Week 2

Week 2 in surgical posting

Surgery is fun and relaxing.

Standing for hours watching surgeries is taking a toil on my back and leg veins. I can almost feel my varicose veins worsening. Seriously contemplating the options for treatment should they worsen. I was kidding around with Nadiah- When people asked me next time why I didn't end up pursuing surgery, I will tell them "Oh because I don't want to get varicose veins."

The hospital and OR are Brrr-rrr Cold, a big difference from previous Medicine posting, when I was soaked with sweat which would turn into dried sticky sweat with dust and oil on my face, and then began sweating again- the cycle of sweat-- dried sweat--- sweat the whole day- Something I am glad to be rid of now.

Miss Saw is great. Love her teaching and was not as fearsome as people say and certainly not as terrifying as  Dr Snake from O & G last time. But still, she has an infamous reputation. People who work alongside her are known and bound to get SAWED by her, literally di-gergaji. But I still think her teaching is awesome though she is quit fussy. Well, as Dr Soo said, as doctors, we should be more fussy. We would want a fussy doctor to treat us or our family members. Hmmm...but I still hear of some ridiculous rules which she is said to demand of us from our clinical skills. Might have to conclude my impression of her later on.

Have not experienced the awesomeness of the mighty Mr Chuah. I am totally ready to be awed and inspired.

Noticed the ratio of female surgeons to male surgeons is very low. And the ratio of female training specialists/ MO to male is even lower. I also noticed of all the 3 female surgeons, one is single and one is nulliparous (don't know if she is married, she only told us she is nulliparous...lol). Don't know the marital status of the other one. As much as I aspire to be a surgeon, I also want to have a family.

I can't seem to finish my presentation on Painful Scrotum due tomorrow morning. :(

Oh and most importantly, there are many cute MOs in Surgery. I may have a new infatuation, mainly because the old one, who is supposed to be in Surgery too, is nowhere to be seen. So, what choice do I have but to find a new one? HAHA. Hiao-nya aku.

Christ's Mass

Over my 5 years here, all the Christmas presents that I had received were from non-Christian friends. LOL.. Nadiah gave me one every year. And this year, she bought me lots of goodies. The funny thing is that among the many goodies, she and Chand shared and gave me a photo album this year. And guess what was the Xmas gift I bought her? A photo album too... ZOMG.... I have to say, we were telepathic and GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE. Hehe...

Another friend bought me a Chinese book for beginners. She remembered that I have wanted to learn Chinese for quite some time. It really touched me that she remembered this tiny detail that I told her long time ago.

Christmas gifts-  Photo taken with Nad's polaroid camera 

For as long as I can remember, I have always celebrated Christmas, not on Christmas day, well technically not.  And even then, I was always busier BEFORE Christmas day- what with being in the choir last time, the choir rehearsals, caroling, Christmas parties, all of them were PRIOR to Christmas day. All preparations and pre-Christmas celebrations have always led to the grand and actual celebration which was Christmas Eve Mass. Come 25th December, I would be at home, recuperating from the prior Christmas hustle and bustle. And so, my friend was surprised that I didn't go anywhere yesterday. I didn't find it unnatural.

Did you know that Christmas actually means Christ's Mass, hence the word 'Christmas'? Learned that during the priest's sermon on Christmas Eve Mass.

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas

I just love it. It's my favourite occasion. The very thought of Christmas makes me happy, even though I didn't celebrate it in quite a festive and va-va-voom manner as I should be, considering it being my favourite-est. Ever since I left the choir, I haven't felt that I was spiritually prepared for Christmas. It was easy during the choir days, singing with a bunch of other youths/ friends, feeling the Christmas spirit filling our heart as we lift our voices to commemorate and welcome the birth of Christ. Singing and traveling to different places to bring Christmas cheer and spread the message to others were really fulfilling then. I felt spiritually prepared. It was during the month of December that I felt I had somewhat carried out my responsibility as a Catholic. Our wassailing activities were a form of evangelization. Of course, we weren't that arrogant to think that we were then, until a nun acknowledged and told us that what we were doing was actually considered evangelization. And now, not actively involved in any church activities, at times, I feel lost and useless as a Catholic.I should be doing something. And by myself, it takes a lot more effort if I need to grow spiritually. So now, I am actually at a stagnant phase of my spiritual life. I will and MUST do something about this.

There wasn't a Christmas since I left the choir that didn't make me miss the SHY Choir days- when I listen to other choirs sing, even listening to the church choir here during Sunday Mass every week. And there wasn't a moment during these times that didn't remind of the man who made it all possible for us, the youths of St. Henry's Church. Merry Christmas and as usual, I wish you were around. But I'm sure you are having an even more epic Christmas in where you are.

Christmases

It's Christmas again!

2007 Xmas- Year 1 as med student: Could not, for the life of me, remember where and what I did for Xmas that year. Couldn't even remember if I was in KK or BP. Age is catching up on me.

2008- Year 2- Xmas in KK. A bunch of friends joined Agnes and I for Christmas Eve Mass. Forced 'someone' to exchange Xmas gift with me. Alas, we are not meant to be. Moving on........(literally)

2009- Year 3- Christmas in Dr WWM's house in Sandakan. Had a great time. We had a caroling session during the Xmas party and the amazing thing was that our Muslim friends joined us...One even played the guitar for us...All the lecturers, none of whom are Christians joined in and had a jolly time as well. Oh, and Dr WWM, wasn't even a Christian.

2010- Year 4- Christmas in BP. Opened our house to the carolers. Leonard, my brother, was the Santa Claus. LOL...Our Leonard, who is always so shy with us at home, was, beyond our wildest dream, dancing and jollying all the way as the Santa Claus. Seemed like I didn't know my brother that well after all.

2011- Year 5- Christmas in KK. Probably my last Christmas here (if I don't ever return). Unexpectedly bought a lovely dress last minute, just few hours before Mass, which kinda kept me more in the mood for Christmas. Lol...So shallow of me. Can't stand myself. CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT FASHION SHOW OR MATERIALISM! Ish...  I feel kinda bad. I didn't even have my confession before Xmas this year- Again, I put my studies, needs, convenience above God and missed confession. Sigh...When am I going to learn!
        Had supper at a Spanish restaurant with Agnes, Chandran and Nadiah after Mass and as usual, good company= good time. Oh, and we had a CHRISTMAS PICNIC this morning. It was my first time having a picnic. Bought lots of food last night and woke up early to prepare them this morning- Mayo sandwiches, cheese sausages, Chicken and mushroom soup, Fried chicken, Iced lemon tea and Shir Lee bought chrysanthemum tea, like the homemade type. Reminded me of home.
         Before I left BP last week, Erin organized a pre-Christmas Christmas dinner. I had such a good time with Erin, Michele, Wendy and Bee. All of us who used to be based out of BP, were on that rare occasion, all around in BP. Reminisced about high school years- the stupid things we did- Laughed the whole night. LOVE YOU GIRLS!

Besides recalling my previous Christmases, I also tend to imagine my future Christmases. I hope my future Christmases will be as good as all my previous ones or be even better yet.

Nadiah made a video of the Christmas picnic. Laughed my head off. 

It was such a nice, funny, happy video.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Have I mentioned how much I love my besties here, Nadiah and Chandran? I don't know why but in recent weeks I have come to realize how precious our friendships, or rather, any good friendship, is and I learn to appreciate them even more. Maybe because during the flood incident, Nad was there for me, throughout. Not that she hasn't been there for me ALL the time. And Chand sent a text msg of concern and that one text message was enough to make me feel better as opposed to others, who annoyingly asked me every detail like the price of my car repair, how my car was towed, every single detail of my experience. Come on, you guys are just nosy, not concerned. Plus whenever it starts to rain, these people will get all worried about their car, when it has only started drizzling. Like they are the ones suffering from PTSD from MY experience. It certainly didn't make me feel good whenever they did that. And another friend, whose friendship that I've decided to give up completely. All relationships need effort on both sides to maintain. I don't hate you but I just think  that friendship with you is not worth the effort of maintaining. 

I guess it's my fault that I have taken the people around me somewhat for granted. It's a good thing that I realized this in time, while I still have them. 

Like today, Nad, Chand and I went to Lok Kawi Wildlife Park. We don't need to plan ahead in detail. Nor do we need to for any of our activities. When one of us suggested something, it's definitely a sure thing that the other 2 of us will say yes, with no fuss at all. As opposed to when I tried inviting other friends (outside our clique), it's always a complicated affair. There's definitely something to oppose about, the time, the place, the transport, the something. And so, with time, we learn NOT to invite others, just us...Haha...which proved to be a wise choice because we always have the best time. In times of stress, our little outing- meals or movie together, provided me comfort and relief. In leisure times, hanging out with them just makes things 10 times fun-ner. 

So, this is what we have- Nad, Chand and I.- the close bond, the camaraderie, the chemistry, the ability to put up with each other's differences, complementing each other's inadequacies, the comfort and ease in each other's presence AND sharing a common phobia- All 3 of us are terrified of snakes. Haha...

I pray that our friendship will get stronger with years to come. This is mushy but I love you guys!

You 2 should really take more photos together. Can't seem to find many photos  of  you 2 taken together.

Chand is too dark...lol..

Nature lovers...(Yeah..right)

To not kill someone

What topics am I reading now? All the topics I got scolded for, ridiculed at, frowned upon and given disappointed looks at for NOT knowing.

"You are going to be house officers in less than 6 months' time. You must know how to diagnose...You must know the emergency management of.... Patient is going to die if you don't know... You have the liberty to prescribe medications in less than 6 months' time. You must know the dose. What? You are going to start checking the BNF only then? .....I'm not scolding you all. I just want to train you all to be good doctors.... I can tell you, it will be very rewarding when you have treated the patient. They will thank you for saving their lives...." etc etc....

Those are the things I remember today because we got scolded, got disappointed and disapproving looks from a strict, fearsome (really, fearsome is the word, I am not exaggerating) and of course, outstanding Professor of Medicine today. Thank you for scolding us. We deserve it because everything you explained to us are right there in the books. So, you're right, we ARE ignorant. (I have no freaking idea what the hell have I been doing the past 6 weeks, I seem to know nothing.)

To the lecturer, who baby-ed us, who told us we are good even though we are C.R.A.P,  NO THANKS to you. We are probably going to kill someone someday because of your pampering, for falsely reassuring us, for acknowledging our competence, which is actually, non-existence.. And as predicted, I am not coming home today to read what you have taught, well, because you told us we are so good already.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am studying and reading so hard because I want to be a good doctor. I want to SAVE lives. Patients', HUMAN lives are in my hands. I have the 'power' to kill (or save) them. And with this reminder, it makes studying less like a choice and more like a necessity and a must, less like a chore and more out of interest (to not kill someone). Why do I keep using the phrase "To not kill someone"? Because you'd be surprised at how easy it is for us, with our negligence and ignorance, to do so. It's much LESS ambitious to aim to NOT kill someone, rather than to save someone. You just have to do the basics in order not to kill someone. But to SAVE someone, you really have to go that extra mile. And for now, it's imperative that I learn and master the basics.

(I'm beginning to notice that all my titles are a bit on the dark side...which consist of words like 'kill', 'bastards', 'bitch'...wonder if that was the reason my uni blocked my access to my blog)

TIRED's the word

I am laziest in the most difficult posting. HOW CAN?!! I leave UMS as early as 6.30am and latest by 7.30 every day. I leave the hospital earliest at 5pm and latest at 9-10pm, which I am not supposed to. I am supposed to go on-call once a week until 12am. And the 45-min journey to and fro the hospital every day is really torturous for me. When I arrive at my room, all I want to do is to sink on my bed and sleep. Although, again I am not supposed to, because I am supposed to study (Duh!), sometimes, what started off as a planned 30-minute nap, went on until the next morning, when I would wake up cursing for 'accidentally' falling asleep.

There are TONNES of things I have to read, literally, TONNES, and yes, we are talking about reading only, not other assignments, case reports etc.. I have not even mastered 10% of the knowledge that I am supposed to know by now. Exam is NEXT WEEK and I have yet to finish the tedious case report. Trying not to freak out.

I know working life is going to be much tougher. Many seniors and friends who have started working have told me that. But at present, being a student, a medical student, to me, is T.O.U.G.H. too. Well, in retrospect this time, next year when I start working, I know I would wish to be a student again. But right now, right now, I just want to get this life over with. I just want to graduate. I am tired. Really, TIRED is THE word.

I was still very much driven in my previous postings this year. I was motivated, I worked hard, I even allowed myself to aim for distinction for each exam. But this posting, I am just not as driven, I am aiming and hoping only to pass. And that's a bad sign for me because I need my drive. I need the zest. I need my motivation. These things are important for me. And they are absent. I am hoping that it's only because of this current posting, Medicine. I don't know why but I find myself an aimless wanderer in this posting, so much to do that I didn't know what to do and how to start. And now, it's already the end of this posting. God help me! I'm really in the vicious cycle that Dr Wendy talked about- 'You don't study (enough), you feel stressed, you are afraid of failing, you feel more stressed, you can't focus and function because of the stress and the stress and 'malfunctioning' continues.

I hope I survive.

Let me dream

For those 2 hours when I was mesmerized and enchanted into the world of Twilight, I wished so acutely that I were Bella or even Alice- impossibly beautiful, rich, poised, kind, immortal, married to their soul mate, having God-like strength, never having to worry about getting sick, never having to worry about the people around you getting sick and dying because your family is immortal, having a family who is loving, supportive and understanding of each other, despite everyone not being biologically related. Everybody and everything was beautiful, easy- even a life-and-death situation seemed easily surmountable, pretty and romantic even. And Isle Esme is like a paradise, the luxurious car, the private plane, the wardrobe of trendiest clothes, the special talents and powers, having Edward...haha...okay, I am so shallow. But..but..everything is so perfect, even the challenges and problems. I am not really a fan of immortality. I often don't get why people in movies want to fight for immortality. But I guess if you know that you AND the people you love around you, are all going to be eternally happy, rich, blissfully in love, healthy, forever young, then I guess you would want to live forever. Who could get enough of this heaven-like life?! (not that I know what heaven is like)

Ah well, movies! Fiction! Modern day fairy tale! Who wouldn't wish for one!

Don't bring me back to earth so soon, let me dream a little!

The wedding scene was mesmerizing because of the breathtakingly beautiful flowers

This is the soundtrack during the wedding. It was also the soundtrack during their prom dance in Twilight. 

Dreamy sigh...

Happy pill

My car was submerged in the flood yesterday. Sigh... Depressed. Please tell me everything is going to be okay, because it sure looks like it's not going to be. In the most stressful posting now and one more, unexpected, unfortunate stressor for me. I DON'T DESERVE THIS! Why la God?!!

I try to find something positive out of any negative situation usually. I would think "Oh well, at least, I learn... " But this is just too bad and too big a situation for me to find something positive out of. Unexpected hundreds and possibly thousands to be spent for the repair, the time wasted worrying, the emotional stress, the inconvenience of not having a car, the silver cloud appearing above my head every time I think of the situation- like PTSD. I can't even look at Clinical Block without shuddering now.

Here's an attempt for optimism. Things could have been worse. And I have so many Good Samaritans lending me a hand. Today, my lecturer/ Nad's uncle came all the way to help me settle the problem. He and his friends tow my car all the way to his friend's workshop. Repair is definitely going to be way cheaper, at least. I find out who are my true friends and who isn't. I decided I am going to submerge myself completely into work the next week to take my mind off things. Talking to a patient today was some form of relief.

I need a happy pill.

My Unexpected Saviours

I was stuck in a situation today, the kind of situation that drove me to tears, actual tears.

I stayed back in Clinical Block today to while away the time while waiting for the time to go to Mass. It started pouring, I was nonchalant and continued to nap. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made this year, hopefully, the LAST for this year. Within minutes, the entire clinical block was flooded and by then, it was time for Mass. I headed out, reached the gate and saw that the water was already a foot deep. I decided to head back to the restroom to fold up my pants and took off my shoes. Believe it or not, I dropped my keys in the flood within that 5 metres' distance back to the restroom. Things went downhill from there.

I sat in despair as the flood level increased and increased. I burst into tears, because my car was going to get flooded for sure. I called everyone I could possibly call, some to ask for help and some to seek comfort, as my car sat there, awaiting its fate. I was akin to a mother worried sick for her child, who is out there, knowing that harm is coming her child's way and yet there was nothing she could do to prevent and protect her child. 

An hour later, I sat limp on the sofa, totally given up hope. By then, I could imagine my car being entirely covered by the flood. The water was already chest-high. Yes, the flood in Clinical Block, the place where I have classes next to the hospital, was this bad. In the meantime, a few concerned friends was texting me, offering support. 

Fastforward to now, with me sitting comfortably in my dorm blogging, I feel the aftertaste of fear, worry and anxiety and also an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness. The two guards in Clinical Block have pushed my car to higher grounds, in the heavy rain and flood, without me asking. Where in the world would you come across people as nice as this? Nowhere other than SABAH. They told me that the car light was still working and told me that the engine was probably safe. 

I do not know the fate of my car yet, after all, it was flooded. But their action touched me, deep to the core of my heart. Both of them might have just changed my mind as to where I would apply for housemanship next year. I might just stay back to serve the Sabahans. 

My own roommate of nearly 5 years could refuse to come and drive me home. But 2 mere strangers could go out of their way to help me, without my asking. One of the guards even came to the restroom every now and then to check how I was doing. (He probably saw me crying and decided to help..I persistently asked him about my car whenever he came by). And in the end, I took a ride from a senior, whom I have never spoken to before- another unexpected stranger. Although he was headed to UMS too, but he had to take the trouble to come to Clinical Block, despite knowing that the area would probably be flooded and jammed, to pick us up. And in the middle of that, another friend was offering tips on how to walk in floodwaters (she has had experience with that) and coordinating phone calls for me. She was the one who asked the senior to pick us up. And of course, another of my roommate, being the best friend she was to me, initially, borrowed someone's car to come pick me up but I told her to go back halfway as there was no way, at that time, was it possible for her to arrive without getting stuck in the flood as well.

Usually, in the comforts of my room, I always wish for heavy rain so that I could have a nice sleep. Little did I know that, that wish could have an entirely different impact on other people in other places. It would be presumptious of me to say that I understand now how flood victims feel, but I have learned to be empathetic to their plight. Imagine watching your house, your car, your livestock, your shop and livelihood get washed away and destroyed, and there's nothing you could do about it but watch and pray and yet, God wouldn't answer your prayer by stopping the rain. Imagine that. 

I am sorry, I couldn't help being angry with God because well, I would have gone home if I wasn't planning to go for Mass. Like hello God, I was going to go to church and yet you couldn't bless this misfortune away from me?! But now, I find myself thanking Him for my Unexpected Saviours today. 

Bastards

I was so mad yesterday. Today I am soooo soooo soooo MAD! Being the posting leader so far has been quite a breeze, easier than I have expected. I have had cooperative external lecturers, who communicated effectively to arrange classes with me. My arrangement of schedule has so far been smooth, not perfect, but no clashes or errors so far. But guess who is giving me troubles? My own group members/ colleagues. They skip ward rounds and the rest of the hardworking students and I got ticked off.

BLOODY BASTARDS...I have already told them from DAY 1 itself, who are the doctors you can't mess around with. Pandai-pandai lah...if you want to ponteng, see la who is the doctor. They, idiotic enough, decided to skip the sessions by the 2 most observant and strict doctors. What the fuck! Use your bloody brain la... Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, you don't have brains! And you know what is their excuse?

"That morning, it looked like it was going to rain, so we decided not to go for the ward round."

Go fuck yourselves. You don't have even an ounce of guilt and shame in you that you could spit out this excuse to me and later on, to the doctor. I have never ever met such ridiculous people. Another of their group member, who also travels by bike could make it to the ward round, despite 'the weather which looked like it was going to rain'. Boy, they are psychic! This is the excuse given by medical students, FINAL YEAR MEDICAL STUDENTS, who are going to be doctors in 6 months' time, who are going to handle with LIVES. Can you believe it? I don't get why such lazy, irresponsible, conscienceless people decide to enter med school. Seriously! I would tell them to go build roads but then I wouldn't trust the roads that they build or tar either.

And the other few students who insistently told me they did join the other doctor's round were actually telling the truth, but not the complete truth. You see, they joined rounds and half way through the rounds, they went off. Come on, you think the doctor is a moron or is senile?!

And the worse thing is, the WHOLE GROUP gets the blame. Now, our group will be branded as the lazy group. And our Attitude & Behaviour mark at the end will probably be affected. And do you think we have any more right to demand for extra teaching sessions, which we so badly need when we (although only that few students being the culprit) are not even attending the existing teaching sessions? Do you think we can still bug the school to fly in a neurologist to teach us neuro when we are seen as 'lazy'? And do you think the school is going to negotiate with the HOD of the male medical ward to allow us to join their ward round when 'we' are not even joining the existing ward rounds? A BIG FAT NO to all of the above. And why? Because of those fuckers, that's why.

Hope, effort & a fighting spirit

The dog I mentioned in my previous post is really depressed and sad. I passed her by several times today, even once face-to-face on the stairs and she didn't even bother to get up. Previously, she would have chased me. Not that it was a bad thing that she didn't. But...she has had a change of behaviour. From what we learn in medicine, change of behaviour is usually a significant symptom. I'm sure it is too in veterinary science.

I witnessed a patient's demise today. The second time that I've watched a patient deteriorated from consciousness to mere nothingness, a lifeless body. I can't say that I am sad because since I don't personally know her, it would be pretentious for me to feel so. But I do feel down, gloomy and sympathetic for her husband and sister, who minutes ago, were just with her. Considering how much I like to do procedures, I couldn't bring myself to ask if I could do any during the resuscitation. Although I could and probably should have helped with the CPR, I didn't want my doubtful CPR skills to tamper with whatever bare chance she had of surviving. And so, I stood there, dutifully pressing the pulse oximeter to her toe- the only thing I could do to help. I didn't know why but at that time, I didn't feel hopeful for her, it was like I knew she was not going to make it and so when the time was called, I didn't feel surprised. I feel terrible for feeling that. Could it be because none of the resuscitations that I had witnessed so far had ever been successful and that has given me this pessimism? One thing's for sure, I can't be feeling so hopeless. When I work next time and come across this situation, I want to be able to feel hopeful for my patient, to put in all my effort in resuscitating my patient, with the HOPE that he/she will live. I want to help them fight for their life and I can only do so if I have hope in me and the genuine belief that whatever effort I put in matters.

To this patient, I am sorry that I wasn't fighting with you today. I am sorry that I gave up even before you did. I am sorry for not having any hope for you. I didn't know you and never had the chance to even speak to you, but yet, I have learned something out of you today- to have hope, to put in all my efforts and to always fight for my patients.      

Sorry for the bitch

Contrary to my last post, I had a really great BST today. And that makes me happy :) Found out Dr Phani can be quite pleasant, his face is actually quite pleasant after he took off his face mask..He seemed so stern with the mask on, hiding his smile. Ceh, actually curi-curi senyum di sebalik the mask. Hehe.. If only, I could persuade him to give us the ECG class voluntarily...hm... *scheming mode*

We also met a really nice HO, who came to us and asked if we wanted to practise short case with him. So nice of him...the second HO, throughout these years, who actually offered to teach us something. But then, he's a first poster, so he's probably still fresh and enthusiastic and still strongly committed to his personal vow of treating medical students nicely when he becomes a doctor. Lol...The first doctor I mentioned was also a first poster then. He was not as 'enthusiastic' anymore few weeks back when I saw him. Let's hope the aforementioned HO will remain as such few months later. Okay, I am being sarcastic and that's awfully mean of me. After all, I really did learn something new from him this week. He taught me 'Central pontine myelinolysis'. Cool right..I never knew this condition before this. Go read up! 

Yesterday, I saw the SPCA van down my block and they were trying to catch this bitch (no pun intended) who has been straying near our block chasing and biting people. I was relieved to know they were from SPCA. Don't trust the bloody government dog-catcher. Even though, she has chased me a few times too but I still can't bring myself to support the suggestion to catch it. But I guess if it were to be caught by SPCA, it wouldn't be that bad. Many students have brought this issue to the attention of the Student's Council which probably explained the SPCA's (failed) operation yesterday. Yes, they failed to catch her but they caught her puppies. And now, probably I am imagining things, but I think the dog looks so sad and morose and that it must be missing her puppies. :( 

I even made up an excuse for her behaviour of chasing and biting people. I think it was her hormones. You see, she was pregnant before this and she probably still is hormonal now, after having recently given birth. This must explain it. I need to confirm my theory with a vet. And to further defend her action, I think it was just her maternal protective instinct. You see, she hid her puppies beneath the stairs and people walk up and down that stairs every day. So naturally, whenever people wanted to use the stairs, she must be thinking that they were coming for her puppies and thus, went on a rage- a biting spree. Makes sense right? Anyhow, I think they shouldn't have separated the puppies from her. I feel so sorry for her :( I won't be surprised if she continues her biting spree out of sadness and rage at us (humans) for abducting her puppies.

Ignite the passion

I have to sprint. I am taking too much time easing myself into Medicine. I can't afford to be tardy. I have yet to meet someone like Dr Thawdar, who at the end of a teaching session, can make me feel in awe (seriously, IN AWE) of the new knowledge acquired. Not that I already know everything and that the doctors in this posting are not teaching me anything. They are teaching me something new everyday, but not in the way that Dr Thawdar can do it. She can teach in such a way that everything you have read in the books seems to come alive and be REAL, not just in the books; She can coordinate all the diverse information so well and correlate them to that particular case, so that you not only learn 1 disease but you learn absolutely everything there is to know about that system! Every knowledge she imparted sounded so fascinating. And naturally, when things fascinate you, you remember them better, the more you want to know more about it and inevitably, you fall head over heels in love with what you are doing and learning. 

There is so much to learn in Medicine posting that I know for sure it has the potential to fascinate me. But...but... I feel somewhat that the passion has not unleashed itself. I need someone, an enthusiastic doctor, who can teach well, to release that zest in me..to ignite the passion. I feel very inhibited...'constipated' in a way. You see how important your educators are?! 

I absolutely hate the doctors, who teach us in a hurry, like they just want to get the teaching session over with. And so far, that has been the situation in all our BSTs. At the end of a session, I always find myself thinking "Come on, you are a subspecialist. That was the best you can do?!" I mean, we don't know what we don't know. You are supposed to teach...teach... There is only so much we can ask because we DON'T KNOW what we should know! Exasperation to the max!

DREAD

I am feeling so wary, so anxious, so worried, so strung up and so tired just thinking and feeling this jumble of emotions. I am in Medicine Posting, THE core posting where we have to learn everything under the sky, everything that is not under surgery, OBGYN and paeds is under Medicine. I realise the vast amount of knowledge that I have to make sure I learn and master within these 6 weeks and that is why I am worried and tired just thinking of it. Although I am already in my final year, that doesn't make it easier. In fact, I am still feeling lost, despite doing this for the past 4 years. I don't know where to start, how to start. I am thinking of making a timetable so that I will balance my time well between all specialties to optimize my learning, but then again, I am not a timetable person. I hate timetables.

Ironically for someone who hates timetables, I am know spending an awful lot of time scrutinizing the posting schedule that I believe I might develop a squint. Yes, I am the leader of this posting and that is why I am all strung up and wary. I am willing to put in my best so that I will be a good leader for my group but I am worried that I will fail.

Usually, after unloading my thoughts here, I would feel much better. But this time, I don't. I don't know why but all I feel is a sense of DREAD. And it's not even Professional Exams yet.

Accept & Respect

Will you choose an option that is the most favorable and ideal for you but that you know is unfair to the rest or Will you choose an option that is not as ideal to your liking but is fair to everyone? Will you make a decision based on what YOU WANT or what you think IS RIGHT? 

Will you sacrifice so that things can be fair and square for everyone? 

The argument is that Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Somebody has to suffer. Somebody has to sacrifice, so why should it be you? It's either you or others, might as well NOT be you right?

But all you have to do is sacrifice a little, not even a big sacrifice, and nobody will have to suffer so much or be oppressed. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to put aside your selfishness and desire for the good of all? 

This cliche is of relevance here: To think with your heart or your mind?

You may think that I am in some sort of dilemma but I am really not. My mind and heart have never been clearer about the type of decision I have to make. I am just wondering if people will think like me and act like me. 

SILLY ME! I shouldn't even waste my time wondering. Of course, people are not going to think and act like me. Not everyone, at least. I will just have to do what I can do- ACCEPT, RESPECT, PRAY and maybe forgive. 

Comfort zone

People are generally very afraid of change, especially when they are in their comfort zone. I remember what Martin Jalleh told us, in an attempt to encourage us to break out from our cliques during camp and mingle with others, that "When you are feeling too comfortable (in your comfort zone), then it's a sign that you should change or make some changes in your life."

It's understandable. You are comfortable where you are, doing what you are doing. Why would you want to change anything? It's even more difficult to step out the longer you have been in that safe and 'warm' cocoon. You are risking that safety and comfort for the unknown. What if things turn out worse or not the way you want it to be?

There is nothing wrong about not liking and wanting change. But the thing is your life becomes stagnant. You don't progress. You don't move forward. You don't improve. You don't learn new things, don't make new friends, don't experience new things. You think that life is good now but what if life can be better?

The unknown is always scary. But you never know it until you have done it. There is an equal chance of things taking a turn for the worse and better. Of course, if you are wise and can make the right 'calculations', then perhaps you can tip the scale towards things becoming better. Life itself is a risk. Prof Raymond, in advising his patient to go for surgery, said "Everything has risks. Going for surgery has risks but not going for surgery has its risks too." (In this case, it means the patient will have to continue to suffer from intractable epilepsy that could otherwise be cured.) This is the exact sentence he used to talk to the patient, "Katakan puan nak pergi shopping, tapi kalau saya beritahu puan, puan ada risiko kena accident, puan akan pergi shopping jugak kan? Semua benda ada risikonya." (In this case, the risk of surgery is very minimal and the benefits far outweigh the risks.) Of course, we always have to weigh the risks versus benefits. If the risk far outweighs the benefit, then it would be dumb of us to take the risk after knowing so.

At the end of this, I realise one thing, that this argument/ rationalization which I have made cannot be applied to a marriage. Hahaha... Let's hope I don't uphold this principle in my future marital life, if I were to have one. 

K.O.

Every so often, I would crave for some alcohol. Nothing much, just a can of beer will do. But every time after I drink, I would almost regret it. I find myself wondering what is so wonderful about it that millions of people are addicted to it. Maybe because I usually don't drink enough to allow me to achieve that feeling of euphoria? I usually skip straight to the tachycardia and the throbbing headache. The thing is I can't drink. That's a fact. Just a can of beer and I am beetroot red, 2 glasses of wine and I am scarily flushed in the face. As of today, I found out that just half a bottle of soju and not only my face, my eyes will be vampire-red. That's another reason why I don't indulge in alcohol. I look hideous after I drink! 

I satisfied my once-in-a-blue-moon alcoholic craving with some soju last night.  

And I KO after half a bottle...LOL!

Random 1,2,3,4

Just when I want and am beginning to forget, something popped up to serve as a reminder.

I always seem to look the worst when I want to look my best.

Got an easy thalassemia case and even though I have read from cover to cover, line to line and every single word and footnote there is about it, there were still questions that I couldn't answer. I want things to be PERFECT but it never is. ( I know...I know...How can exams be perfect? If exams can be perfect then I guess your examiners must be sleeping or might just turn out to be a pretend lecturer who isn't really a doctor. Lol.. )

I really have to stop making excuses for you.


So many random thoughts running concurrently in my mind that I really should take up meditation to 'separate' my thoughts and learn to empty my mind (but not the precious knowledge contained within it, of course). Or maybe I should learn hypnosis and hypnotize myself.

My favorite babies

I finally understand the meaning of "I can't take my eyes off her". In the literal sense. 

How can anyone take their eyes of her! Should have seen her when she smiles. Totally and absolutely ADORABLE!
We nicknamed her "The Korean Baby"

Me stealing a shot with her. She was about to cry...Haha... You can play with her but I guess when you (I mean me) start to over-familiarized yourself and crossed her personal space, her stranger anxiety kicked in. Well, good for her that she has stranger anxiety as her protective mechanism considering how irresistibly cute she is because any stranger would want her. I know I do! 

Aiya...cannot see his face. The first child I've met who played  'Doctor'.  I have never met any child who plays 'Doctor' so far. Come on, where else would be the best place to play Doctor Doctor other than in the hospital with medical people around! That's why this child is smart and special! You would not believe what he did! He not only auscultated me by holding the diaphragm of the stets and moved them gently over my chest, he also placed 1 hand on my pulse, kononnya to time his auscultation with my pulse! This is a future doctor in the making. He probably got so used to doctors doing that to him that he can imitate the method so correctly. He has TOF. 


They absolutely light up my days! :)

A perfect calling

As I was lamenting to a friend about how our life is filled with the never-ending exams, I was brought back to that Sunday afternoon, in St Henry's church, probably about 10 plus, close to 11am, the time when choir practice usually began, with Robert sitting on top of the cabinet, as usual. Somehow, the conservation involved him, my good friend, Stephanie, and I and it was about our ambitions. Stephanie said she wanted to be a surgeon...Yeah, she was very specific, not doctor, but surgeon. And I said I wanted to be a lawyer. Somehow again, Robert laughed, somewhat, a little ridiculously, if my memory served me right. He said something about what Steph would probably end up as but I couldn't remember what. And he said that "Eunice will probably end up doing something that she needs to study, study and study her whole life." Oh well, I probably was a severe nerd since then.

Even in my autograph book (autograph books were the 'in' thing during primary school years), Steph wrote down surgeon as her ambition and I wrote lawyer as mine. That was when we were in Standard 1. Now, 17 years down the road (Oh Gosh! 17 YEARS?!!! *freaking out* Am I really that old already?), Stephanie is reading law and I am going to be a doctor , who aspires to be a surgeon. Ain't that funny?! Life's twist!

I wish I could ask Robert now how did he know even then what I would end up as. He could read us so well. I have never ever thought of becoming a doctor since young. Never. Lawyer and journalist were my ambitions. But never a doctor. Not until Form 5 or Form 6 at least, when I found my interest in Biology. That was when I decided I wanted to take up something in the Biology field. And here I am. I could never have chosen a more suitable field for myself. Looking back...lawyer? journalist? Nah....I could never be either one of those. And because I have never imagined that I would be a doctor, I am even more in awe of God's mysterious plan. It could only be Him who put me here. I didn't choose it first. Well, I did in the end, but God chose it for me first. And because of this, I know for sure that I can never regret, not now, not in the future because this is my calling. A calling that is perfect for me. He chose it and so it can never be wrong.

Cursing vs Meditation

Ah...so things didn't turn out like I wanted or expected. :(

BUT

I will survive!

Again, when things occur in such a way that I am so sure it's going to turn out like I expected, God decided to challenge me. I feel like I am the object of some invisible forces twisting and controlling the events around me. Like in the movie Adjustment Bureau.

Ah well, no time to mull over nonsense. Exam's in a week! And there's a rat in my room. To think that I actually saw it scurrying INTO MY ROOM and yet wasn't able to do anything to prevent it. I feel so jumpy just being in my room... scared that any moment, the rat will come out and nibble on my toes or scurry on my bed while I am sleeping. I don't need this! Exam's in a week! And the damn PTPTN is still not in yet. I am so broke! Maybe I curse it too much. Have been cursing it since June.

Sigh... It's times like this that I wish I am someone who meditates. Instead I find myself cursing too often for my own liking.

Inner peace...inner peace....inner peace....

I am not impulsive, I just don't want to regret

Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

Take a leap of faith (ala Wendy)

Approach (love) and (cooking) with reckless abandon.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Read between the lines.

Go for it.

When you want something, you'll rationalize, justify and make up whatever excuses to tell yourself to go ahead and get/ do that something. Likewise, I am only taking in whatever messages that tell me to go ahead...seeing it as 'messages' from God to tell me it's okay to do it. It was just a really teeny-weeny decision, so silly and so small that I couldn't believe it took me so much time to think, mull over, pray over and have palpitations over.

Past experiences have taught me never to do something or NOT do something that I will regret. Regret is really a terrible feeling which can eat you alive. It's not something that wanes easily with time. In fact, sometimes, with time, it gets worse. A friend once, in an attempt to comfort me, told me to 'Forget the past and look towards the future'. Looking back, I think it's quite a crappy advice considering what I just mentioned- that regret can worsen with time, so it will definitely mess up your future and how can you possibly look towards the future when you know it's gonna be messed up? Or that regret makes you unable to forget a past. So the 2 phrases, 'Forget the past' and 'Look towards the future' are just crap when used in the context of regrets. Don't ever say that to anyone who is acutely upset about some sort of regrets. Maybe when the person is feeling better and has learned to be more insightful or positive, then sure...you can use that phrase.

When I feel an impulsive need to do something these days, I will stop and ask myself,

Will I regret it? 

or
 If I don't do it, will I regret it in years to come? 

With that, some may consider what I did today as Impulsive or Silly or Whatever. But I did it in order to prevent a regret. I am also a realistic person, in that I know circumstances might change in such a way that I will regret my action. I really hope not. Anyhow, I am glad I did it today.

Heartwarming

A friend told me that Reading my blog is just like talking to me. He said that he felt like he just hung out with me after reading my blog. I don't know why but that feels so heartwarming. Well, I miss hanging out with you too, Ding. And I miss bitching about my classmates to you...Hahaha... our makan, bitching and gossiping sessions. The good ole times, I sure do miss it very much.  

Numb me, please

Sometimes, God, I think you are just trying to drown me. What do You want me to learn out of forcing my head into the water, making me struggle for air and then save me from the water again? You are killing me! urrghh....  

I need general anaesthesia now.

Paradox or irony?

The very person whom you want to impress is never impressed (by you). The person whom you think you like turns out to be unlikeable and the long-lasting friendship you now have is with the person whom you couldn't stand previously or whom you never even knew existed prior to this. The people whom you have known your whole life somehow never seem to end up as your closest or best friends. That person whom you want to attract just doesn't seem to like you but the person whom you dislike, in turn is attracted to you. The wish that you have been making for the longest time never seems to come true but that wish you never make (the unknown wish you never knew you had?) comes true instead. I guess that is when we always say a pleasant surprise? We never say an expected pleasant surprise, do we? The phrase itself is oxymoronic... expected and surprise? Not logical.

 Are all these just a form of balance in life or are these cruel jokes played on us in the hope that we may learn something out of them? Things don't turn out like we want them to so that we may learn what disappointment means and at the same time, learn to curse?  Things turn out unexpectedly well for us even though we never wish or pray for it so that we may learn to thank God? Say, you expect to be stuck in a traffic jam but instead, arrive at your destination in time. That is when you say "Thank God!" If we know there's no traffic jam and we are most certainly going to be on time, we never say "Thank God". What for, right? Instead if we turn out to be late when we expect to be on time, we curse.  

So what now? There's nothing we can do. I guess the difference between a happy, contented person and a grouchy, dissatisfied person is that the happy person remembers more of the pleasant surprises. And that sour puss remembers more of the disappointments.

Death doesn't come as you wish

The most dangerous type of patient is one who is not afraid of dying, who thinks that he is ready to face death head on, who thinks that an illness ends directly in death. Little did they know that an illness does not straightaway end in death. You fall sick and drop dead just like that= Quick death. Well, that' s wishful thinking! There is what we call Course of disease or Disease progress. There's always, always the in-between of a disease process which you have to suffer and go through before you die= The slow death. 

If you drop dead straight from a heart attack, then good for you. What if you don't? What if your atherosclerotic plaques break off and go to your brain and give you a stroke and you end up paralyzed? Again, you put your loved ones through suffering and sorrow because who is going to wipe your bum everyday, feed you or turn you every few hours to prevent pressure sores other than your loved ones. Don't be so 'optimistic' and think that death can come to you so easily, as you wish, the way you want it to. Think of the worst scenario before you decide to stop your medication and wait to die. 

And don't even get me started on waiting to die. There are so many, many sick people out there who are fighting to live and here you people are, smoking your lungs off despite having asthma, eating all you want despite having diabetes. Come on! (ala Prof Khin Ye Myint' s style)

Sigh...you want us to be good doctors to you. You people too...help us out and be good patients laaaaaaaaaaaaa............! 

 

Now you're making me..

 followed  by 

Babi lu...

You make me..

Staff...urghh... Patients :)

Will you bloody MO just fuck off and leave us alone?!! Mind your own business la... I wasn't even bothering you or asking you any questions or touching your patients. I was just looking at the bloody case note. Doctors, if you are not going to teach us anything or be nice to us, just fucking leave us alone, will you?! And the physiotherapist, who acted so condescendingly and arrogant, trying to tell us how important and great physiotherapists are and that a surgery wouldn't be successful without them to rehabilitate the patients post-op. And constantly stressing that physiotherapists are working ALONGSIDE doctors, not FOR doctors. Pleaseeeeee.....tell it to the doctors who have pissed you off in the past by dismissing the importance of your work. Don't take it out on us because I sensed you have been holding a grudge onto doctors due to some past bitter experiences? I don't know...but hello, we're innocent here. Okay, to be fair to you, Thanks for telling us, so that we will learn to appreciate and respect the work of physiotherapists from now on. Happy now? Jeez...!

Okay, I am cool now. Otherwise, first day of Paeds was good. Even got to present a long case. Played with a cute friendly baby boy. I was so amused by his hypotonic limbs, he was stretching like a gymnast, I was just happily looking at him stretching and putting his foot into his mouth when he couldn't grab anything around him to put into his mouth. And who cried when he accidentally hit himself on the head with a toy. Hahaha... As usual, the staff pisses me off but the patients brighten up my day. Oh, what will we be without our patients?!

Shaken

I sense I am going to be blogging more frequently in the next 2 months. Paeds hasn't officially started and I am already affected, emotionally. Went to the Paeds ward today and saw this chubby baby boy who looked so sick- hooked with nasal prong, Ryle's tube and just lying there so lifelessly. And then I read the case note.

"Traumatic brain injury, suspected NAI." (NAI stands for non-accidental injury, meaning deliberate injury, meaning abuse)

"Shaken baby syndrome"

"Terson's syndrome"

As soon as I saw those words, I started forming judgement. I know we are not supposed to, but I am only human. Many thoughts formed in my mind as I stole many suspicious looks at the mother from my peripheral vision. I was trying to detect any underlying sign of an abusive behaviour or any cruelty in this lady, as if there would be. Sorry Ma'am, I couldn't help but judge you. The mother was like any other mother in the ward, loving, and trying to soothe the irritable baby. Although according to the case note, the baby is said to be taken care of by the grandparents, I couldn't help but judge the mother too. The mother was probably 10 times more shocked and sad, and would probably dismiss any possibility of abuse. After all, it's not any stranger, her baby boy is being taken care of by his grandparents. 

I felt so sad looking at the baby boy. I feel sad even now, just thinking of him, the possibility of his injury being inflicted upon him deliberately by the people who are supposed to love and protect him unconditionally. I feel even worse now, in fact, after looking up the information online about Shaken baby syndrome. It is a triad of subdural hematoma, retinal hemorrhage and brain swelling. The estimated mortality is 15-38%. The non-fatal consequences include visual impairment, motor impairment such as cerebral palsy and cognitive impairment. To think that a previously healthy baby could be at risk of DEATH and all these morbidities because another human being did this to him. Tell me how can I not feel sad. I am shaken as well, to be reminded again of the cruelty that exists. 

I pray with all my heart that the baby boy will recover fully, with no permanent sequelae. I pray that his injury would actually turn out to be an accidental injury and not because of abuse. I pray that he will always be blessed with parents, grandparents, siblings, family members and friends who would truly love him, care for him and protect him unconditionally. 

I'm lovin' it

How am I these days? I have been alternating between lying on the bed with a book and watching movies or sitcoms on the laptop everyday...plus mustering enough effort to get out of the room for food and an occasional (or should I say, rare) swim or jog. I am officially a slob but I'm lovin' it! 

                                 
                              New sitcom that I'm currently enjoying (Thanks Kenneth!)

Can't bring myself to finish the last few episodes of The Big Bang Theory. 

You can still pretend...

"Don't pretend to be somebody else. If you want to pretend, then pretend to be somebody better." 

Father Cosmas Lee during Sunday sermon. 

LOL...

Converse rules

We should be allowed to wear sports shoes or sneakers in the hospital. Who cares about the 'professional appearance' when your feet and back are aching all day for wearing 'professional-looking' but not occupationally-friendly shoes. Sneakers and sports shoes are so comfortable. One of the advice we give diabetic patients regarding foot care is wearing the right shoes, namely SPORTS SHOES because they are the best with wide toe-box and comfortable in-soles. So why are we not practising what we are preaching? Okay, sneakers don't really have a wide toe- box but they are comfortable.

                                            My favourite-est shoes in the whole wide world

My adorable cousin, Anna is in BP. Want to see her so much!!! 

The Nightmare Patient

Me: Ingat lagi tarikh haid terakhir?
Patient: Tak ingat... pada bulan 1 lah...
Me: Bila tarikh bersalin?
Patient: Tak tahu lah...tak ingat...
After insistent prompting,
Patient: 8? 8 Oktober... macam 8 haribulan  (And when I checked the case note later on, it wasn't 8th!)
Me: Okay, bila scan pertama?
Patient: hmm... 7 bulan?
Me: Sounding incredulous and trying to keep my calm ... 7 bulan? Puan berdaftar di Klinik Desa pada 8 minggu kandungan kan? Tiada scan pada masa awal kandungan?
Patient: Tiada.
Me: Ok, apa keputusan scan? Apa doktor bilang? Baby ok ke?
Patient: (Blur look) Tak tahu lah...Doktor tidak beritahu apa2.

And the 'Tak tahu' went on.... This is a 23-year-old lady with SPM qualification I'm talking about. Not the 16-year-old girl or 40-year-old mak cik from kampung who has never been school.

Jeez!!!! There's nothing worse like getting a patient who doesn't know a damn thing about her disease or her baby's condition or her child's illness. Like, how can you not know? It's your body, your disease, your baby in your uterus. Don't you care? Or do you trust the medical personnel here so much that you feel 100% sure that everything they do is the best, the most appropriate treatment for you that you don't feel the need to question or know anything?

I couldn't help but overhear these 2 housemen bitching about their patients the other day. They were gossiping about how rude the patients talked to them and how rude THEY acted back towards the said patients. I was listening with a poker face but inwardly, I was like "OMG...what kind of doctors are they to be talking like that to the patients. It must be their fault that the patients were rude to them in the first place. How can they be so rude to patients?" and bla...bla...bla... all my disapprovals... Little did I know that I would be bitching about my patient now.

Most of my patients were really nice and cooperative. Most of the time, it's really easy to get a decent amount of information from them. But there are times when I face this group of challenging patients, which really try my patience. And at times like this, I always, I mean ALWAYS IMMEDIATELY, make a silent prayer to God that I not get this kind of patients in the exams because then, I would certainly burst into tears in the middle of the exams or do desperate things like kneeling down and pleading to the patients to tell me something, anything. With exams less than a week away, this patient I clerked today is giving me a nightmare.  

Wisdom comes with age, for a selected few

Another way of disputing "The lesser of 2 evils". 

"Though it is true that sometimes it is lawful to tolerate a lesser moral evil in order to avoid a greater evil or in order to promote a greater good, it is never lawful, even for the gravest reasons, to do evil that good may come of it."  

Humanae vitae, Roman 3:8

Had an awesome SGD with Dr Soon. He is amazing; so inspirational, pleasant for a Head of Department, humorous and an excellent educator. And his repetitive eye-blinking just makes him more 'normal' rather than like any high and mighty, arrogant consultant. Why can't all his doctors follow in his footsteps?! The things that he has taught us can never be found in the textbooks. His knowledge of Islamic laws makes all my Muslim friends gape in amazement. And he said something about The true spirit of One Malaysia is not about tolerating one another, but to ACCEPT each other. That is why, we have to understand about other religions as well. That will make us an even better doctor. He also said that it's important to have a strong faith so that we will not be easily shaken, especially by all the many moral and ethical dilemmas that so often surround our profession. If we are weak, that's when we go crazy (literally, crazy). I can go on and on about the wisdom he has imparted but I would rather not because that will just make me sound like an infatuated student. haha...

Pruritus vaginae?

VAGINAL ITCH

Can vagina itch? LOL...... It never occurred to me that you can't itch at the V, nor any mucous membranes. Think...have you ever experienced itch inside your mouth? Around your lips, yes but never inside your mouth. Pruritus vulvae, yes, is possible because vulva consists of skin. But never pruritus vaginae...

HAHAHA....

A friend, a guy might I add, accidentally blurted "No itchiness in the vagina" during BST, and I never thought anything of it, until the lecturer laughed out loud and said "You don't itch in your vagina" and turned to look at us, girls with the expression that said "He's so funny to say that but it's so ridiculous but he probably didn't realise that because he's a guy". Of course, my friend's face turned as red as a tomato after that. Pity him. Honestly, until that moment, it never occurred to me as well, although now I think back, I never had itch at the aforementioned area.

And now, whenever I thought of that scene and 'vaginal itch' I can't stop bursting into laughter. Seriously, when I'm driving or when I'm walking towards a store or in the middle of lecture. Jeez..... 

LMAO....ROFL...LOL....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... 

Serotonin analogues

My 2 greatest joys in life these days are ....

&

Movie Night with best buds: Nadiah & Chandran

The Big Bang Theory has been around for ages but I only started watching it one day, out of boredom. I can't stop ever since. It's so funny..it's not stupid, lame jokes, Mr Bean funny...it's nerdy, geeky type of funny, well, mostly because the sitcom features this bunch of nerds. I have to stop watching man...Exams is in 2 weeks. But that just gives me more reason to watch it.

In the past few weeks, there has just been premiere after premiere of must-watch movies. So Friday Movie Night has become a routine for Nadiah, Chandran and I. Sorry, no, you can't join us. We are snobs. We don't invite other people. :) Captain America tonight! 

Shudder ~~~

Throughout my life, I have met many types of people, people from all walks of life. I have had wonderful experiences knowing, talking and interacting with nice and pleasant people. I have also had my fair share of coming across the worst 'sub-species' of my kind. Maybe it's not suitable to use 'worst' here. After all, I'm only 20-ehem-something. A long way to go and many more opportunities to come across worse people. 

I have met fierce, mean, intimidating people. I like to think of myself as someone not easily shaken when I come across fearsome figures. I react to such people, not by cowering in fear. I react to such people by stepping up to be more confident, even proud, rude sometimes, acting nonchalant and basically, just trying to beat them at their own game. I always believe the more vulnerable and timid you appear, the more they enjoy intimidating and scaring you. 

I remember when I was late for a lecture with an external lecturer, who has the reputation to be able to tear you to shreds when he 'acts up'. He walked out of the class because a student, namely me, was late (and a whole load of reasons as well). He asked that the student meet him in his office in the hospital. Believe me, I was scared at first, but then, my defense mechanism (the one I explained above) kicked in and boy, was I ready for the showdown! I was ready for him, for whatever that was going to be hurled my way! But of course, things didn't turn out as dramatic as I expected. He barely turned and literally 'hmmph-ed' when I apologized and I was out of his office in less than a minute.

But, in the past week, I have met this OBGYN specialist, who has achieved rank #1 in my List of Most Fearsome Figures. She was notorious throughout the hospital. All the doctors and nurses openly talked behind her back. I wouldn't call her a tigress or a lioness. She is more like a snake to me! She has the softest and gentlest voice, which will automatically make you perceive her as a nice and gentle person. BUT.... like a cobra or python, she can pounce on you so quick, so sudden and so deadly that there is no time for my said defense mechanism to kick in to protect my ego. The look on her face, that frown, that stare, that look....just think of a pouncing snake and you will understand. You all know how afraid I am of snakes. And to think that I should use 'snake' to describe her is enough to prove my point. Luckily she is not a paediatrician. All the children would wet their pants and those with persistent enuresis would definitely not recover if they were to be treated by her. 

*Shudder*  

'

A wake-up call

I wish I can be one of twilight vampires, who don't need to sleep, eat or go to the toilet. 24 hours a day is just not enough for me!!! But then, where's the joy in life if we don't eat or sleep and maybe go to the toilet. Bathing and luxuriating in a nice bubble bath with nice bath soap can be enjoyable, I think. 

I have so many things to do- the amount of knowledge that I have to effortlessly cramp and force into my brain, the patients which I have to clerk for teaching sessions, the number of cases which I have to clerk and follow-up for case reports, the endless reports, assignments and presentations to prepare for, make me wish that I don't have to eat, sleep or go to the toilet so that I could have more time. I haven't enjoyed my lunch break since I started my posting because I get so stressed up preparing for the case presentation or teaching sessions after the lunch break. Jeez...I have to enroll in stress management class. Although I have to admit, this level of stress is pushing me to work harder...so, it's positive stress, I think.


BST today with Dr Teh made me feel as if I am still a 3rd-year student, instead of a final year student. My presentation, the knowledge...GOSH! It was like a wake-up call for me. I have so much to brush up before I can call myself a final year student. I am not even close yet, for now.

Hopefully,. I will improve and be better by the end of this posting, up to the level of "a future houseman who is safe and qualified to work for me" standard, according to how Dr Teh puts it.

Am I still...?

I attended a 3-day conference, which started on Friday. I am not sure if 'attended' here is a proper term as I kinda selected only a few talks to attend. The topic of the conference was Advancing towards tertiary care or something like that. It was a mumbo-jumbo of all specialties, all departments and all topics. 

The highlight of the conference, of course, has nothing to do with the conference. haha... I met a doctor, whom I almost forgot that I was? am? was? am? having a crush on. Yes, the 'was' kinda mean that I have? had? have? been having a crush on him for the longest time... jeez..so long, it's time I 'crush' on somebody new la... Running into him 2days in a row, unexpectedly, caused a minor (I would say minor..hmm..) jolt on my heart, as if the heart was trying to remind me of its existence within my thoracic cavity. You know how you think you act stupidly in front of the people you like or have a crush on? That was what I felt. I felt clumsy, stupid and ugly.. so much for my self-esteem. And then, the conversation with him ran again and again in my mind and I kept thinking how stupid my sentences or how feeble my attempt at maintaining the conversation was. Ah....I might as well have buried my head in the sand like an ostrich. That would have been better. I better not run into him next time. Although the fluttery feeling in my heart (atrial flutter? lol..ok..lame, i know) felt kinda nice, I am not sure if the self-assessment later on is worth it.   

I change my mind. The self-reproach later on is worth it..Hehe.. 

Accused

It seems that I have logged in quite many entries lately. Does that mean that I am very distressed recently? Jeez...I hope not....INNER PEACE...INNER PEACE...INNER PEACE.... 


Unloading my distress of the day will be a step towards inner peace...

Nad and I were accused of shouting at our 'poor' groupmate yesterday. Well, news spread like wild fire in the medical world, I notice, mainly because we have nothing better to entertain us other than gossips and more medical facts? zzzz....You see now why we stick to gossips for entertainment. I know...I know...gossiping is a sin. I will try to find other modes of entertainment.

Anyway, back to the story... This group mate of ours told his friends, who happened to be our friends as well, that we shouted at him, something we have no recollection of doing. From what I heard, he said we forced him to present this new case, which resulted in him doing badly during the case presentation in the teaching round because he was not prepared for it.

I was puzzled. I didn't even know he couldn't present his old case. I didn't even know that his patient had gone into labour until like 15mins before the teaching round. I didn't even know he had to find another new case to present last minute. In fact, I even smsed our group leader to inform that I have a case at hand which I could present as replacement in case he was not ready. But our group leader told me that since it was HIS turn to present, then he should be given the priority. Fair enough.. In previous occasions, this is usually what we do. If the assigned person somehow could not present his/her case as planned because something has cropped up regarding the patient, another of us in the group will usually stand in and replace. I guess with each new group and new leader comes new 'tradition' or rules.

So, how can I shout at him about it since I didn't even know what was going on with him until last minute? I feel so accused. To think that I felt bad for him and even texted him to kinda tell him it was just a typical bad day. It was the kind of day where one bad thing happens after another. Everyone has experienced such a day. He should know it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't his inadequacy as a medical student and that it wasn't that he was stupid, to put it bluntly. It was just a typical nightmarish sort of day. That's all. Period. Nobody is to be blamed. Well, of course, if you want to dig in, everyone and everything can be put to blame. And somehow, I feel like I was blamed for his bad presentation and his bad day.

I can be a mean person. I say sarcastic things. I say mean things. I say the most blunt and straightforward things. I am guilty of all of the above, I know. But shouting is not something I do. I get worked up sometimes when I talk about things that stimulate my emotions. But shouting is not something I do very often BECAUSE I don't NEED to shout. I have already been blessed with meanness, sarcasm and bluntness in speech, which is very effective in getting my message delivered across to people. Not to mention the rich vocabulary in swear words. And most importantly, I value my self image too much to risk tarnishing it by raising my voice in public. So for the life of me, I could not recall the moment when I shouted at him. Obviously, this is distressing me because I can't believe I am still bothered by it. Nothing works you up than when you are being accused of something.

I can hear the swear words in my mind but mind over matters...I can control myself ...I can....I know I can... INNER PEACE....INNER PEACE....INNER PEACE....

Don't forget that you were once a med student

I went to the OT with Nad and Chee Guan today. First, we were sarcastically insulted by the anaesthetist. Don't what was his problem. We were only at the counter talking to the nurses and he, out of nowhere, just insulted us for no reason. Was he just dumped by a medical student recently? Jeez... Then a nurse shouted at us to wear our name tag from across the OT waiting area. Pleaseee....do you have to shout? And please, doesn't the fact that you are shouting at us show that you are already aware that we are medical students? And after the operation, we got screwed by the doctor when we asked him to sign our log book. He scolded us for not knowing what the case was all about when in fact WE KNEW! We have read the case note from cover to cover. He said Prolonged latent phase is not a diagnosis and not an indication for C-sec. Ok, fair enough. We were wrong. Then guess what his answer was? POOR PROGRESS. Jeez...! Poor progress is just as non-specific as PROLONGED LABOUR. And he said "Poor progress MOST LIKELY due to big baby, eventhough the baby is 3.9kg. Hello! Did I hear you say MOST LIKELY? Doesn't that indicate you don't know for SURE what is the reason for the C-sec as well? And you were the MO who was actually carrying out the C-sec!

And he went on and on about us wasting time in the OT observing the surgery and that he was sure we have not learned anything from watching the surgery. That we shouldn't WASTE out time coming to OT. Might as well spend our precious time studying. JEEZ! What kind of advice is that? And telling us coming just to fill our log book is useless and not important. That I agree...log book is a nuisance, yes. BUT, hello, how can we prove that we have watched 10 C secs, done 20 deliveries, draw blood for 30 times if we don't get our logbook signed? You were a medical student and a houseman not so long ago. Perhaps, you are so high and mighty that you have forgotten what is it like in our place, so down and lowly. 

Firstly, we could see very clearly the entire C-sec, from how you held the forceps to how you pulled at the baby's head so hard that we fear for the baby's brachial plexus! We were actually discussing every step of the C-sec while we were watching you and of course, cringing as well while watching you pull at the baby's head. And fyi, our lecturer asked us about C-sec during exams! 

Okay, my rational side is telling me to forgive you because you had been a very good MO to the HO, teaching the HO patiently during C-sec and for reprimanding us, which I have to take it as an advice that is supposedly for our own good, eventhough I do not agree totally. And for signing our logbook in the end. 

I don't know to think of you as nice or mean. Please lah...doctors, can you not treat us like crap?! And don't sprout nonsense. We may still be medical student but we actually go back and research the answer you tell us. So we know if they are fact or nonsense. Reprimand, scold, insult or ridicule all you want, as long as at the end of the day, we actually learn something. Scolding us for no particular reason is just a waste of your ATP and time.

PS: The correct diagnosis should be Abnormal or Poor uterine action causing prolonged labour, according to Prof Shirley Aye and Prof Soe Aung's notes.