YOU can help

I clerked a thalassemic patient in the ward today. He was admitted because his Hb was 4.7. He is 13 years old and gives excellent history, better than some mothers do. I had a great time chatting with him. It was kinda fun talking to him. Somehow, it seemed less like a chore or assignment when I was talking to him, even though I was in a hurry and only had 30 minutes to take history from him. Oh wait, I actually took an hour in the end, and was late for my class. He taught me plenty of things in the meantime. When I asked him his blood group, he told me it was O, R1,R1. I didn't even know what's the R1, R1 behind. And when I asked how far is it from his house to the hospital, he asked me "dalam Km atau masa?"...Lol.. He loves playing Dota and he wants to be a doctor in future.

I found out that he and in fact, most of the thalassemia kids are not able to have regular blood transfusion because of insufficient blood in the blood bank. And it's supposed to be a high transfusion regime, meaning your post-transfusion Hb should be about 12-12.5g/dl. Due to the insufficient blood, this kid's post-transfusion Hb was 8.7g/dl. There is just not enough blood for adequate blood transfusion. This saddens me. I mean there are so many of us out there with healthy body, good blood (probably good). If only all of us could donate our blood regularly, then these people, who depend on our blood, yes, OUR BLOOD, YOURS and MINE, might have a better chance at a more regular blood transfusion. They need this blood to live!!! And we're only talking about YOUR packed cell here, your plasma and platelets can save 2 OTHER people out there.

Sometimes, we're too ambitious and absorbed into thinking "What's the best we can do?", when in fact, all we have to ask ourselves is "What's the least we can do?" and go right ahead and do it.

AARGHHH!!!

You get on my nerves. You are a complete pain in the ass. I can't wait for this last project to be over so that I won't have to work directly with you again, no, make that work under you- you certainly make sure we know our places. You are not a fun person to work. Oh wait, fun is too ambitious to ask of you. Working with you is just like having to pluck out all the thorns from the stem of a rose or having to examine poop everyday (just like during my CMP research). You don't ask, you bark at people. You don't reason because everything that comes out of your mind is seen as the most reasonable thing to you. You are a very difficult person to work with. For my sake, I'm praying to God constantly for tolerance, for magnanimity so that I would learn to like you a little. Catholics all over are asked to sacrifice, repent and do more good in this season of Lent. I guess my sacrifice during this season of Lent will be learning to like you just a little or getting rid of my abhorrence towards you. Urghh..

I feel like dousing you with watermelon juice when you are wearing a white shirt or putting tomatoes on your seat when you are wearing light-colored pants or putting chewing gum in your hair. AARGHHH!!!!

Now, I will officially start my Lenten sacrifice...What a challenge! Luckily, God is merciful and I know He will not banish me to hell should I fail this seemingly insurmountable task.

Send me some angels

There is just so much to learn but it's frustrating not knowing what ARE those things that I should know. Dr Thawdar is excellent but there's only one of her. I feel so kehausan kasih sayang or rather, kehausan perhatian. Now I know what it feels like to be craving for attention. I realised there are 2 more weeks before exams, THE exam with the highest mortality. And so, I have started to be really aggressive...getting hold of any houseman that looks remotely free, even for a second, to present a case to them. BUT, sigh... I mean okay, I get to practise my presentation skills, which after Community Medicine Posting, have seriously deteriorated. But, I would really prefer someone more experienced, more quick to point out my mistakes, more accurate to confirm my findings and tell me what dysmorphic features am I staring at or what murmur I am listening to. Not just telling me it's a systolic murmur without even timing it to the pulse. 


Many doctors will be going on leave next week and the remaining ones will be too busy to take us for extra lessons since their colleagues are going on leave. Basically, we will be left on our own. I don't mind going and doing my own stuff in the ward, but it would be great if someone could hone my clinical skills a little, if there is even a bare amount of skill to begin with, that is.

Aih...Dear God, please send down some angels to teach me (us), so that, in the long run, (in the short term, so that we may pass our exams) we may be a more wholesome doctor, a doctor, who will be good enough in paediatrics to save (or not kill) the little children who need our help in the future.

Thank you, God

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."  
                                                                                                                                     Matthew 7:7
Thank you very much, God. 
 :)

Make or ruin

It's always the people closest to you that have the power to invoke in you intense feelings of love, hatred, anger, joy, disappointments, comfort, security or insecurity. They can either make or ruin you or maybe, make something out of a ruined you.

Having experienced all of the above by the people that I love, it is no wonder that I rarely allow myself to form a close relationship with the people around me or the people that appear in my life from time to time. Another reason is that every meeting has to end with a separation like the Malay version of Auld Lang Syne sings 'Setiap pertemuan mesti ada perpisahan.' So my rationale is that why should I form a bond that would only subject me to the woes of inevitable separation or other negative feelings possibly invoked throughout the duration of that bond? My friends sometimes call me cold, hostile, emotionless and so on, mainly because I seldom show any emotions. Maybe it's the pride of not wanting to reveal that I am vulnerable or emotional. Or maybe it's because my relationships with those people are not as deep or close to stimulate any form of emotions from me.

That doesn't mean I don't have such true and close relationships. I am still capable of loving, of being a good friend or a good whatever-you-want-me-to-be. I am just wary, that's all. For the record, there are 2 types of feelings which I hate having the most- feeling of disappointment and the feeling of missing someone. And this is why I try not to have expectations from anyone or love someone too much. In this way, I am ruined, I know. But again, maybe this is what makes me into who I am. The final conclusion will have to be made by some other people upon my deathbed.

To the person(people) whom I love but whom I am finding increasingly exhausting to love, I know I can't make you think and do things according to what I want you to, but I just hope the next time you call, you will be able to deliver news that will make me happy for once (in a long time) or easier yet, don't tell me any news. No news is good news. It's a cliche that I always hope from you.

Darn my sore throat, it's killing me!

That I cannot accept

"We have discussed it but we have not finalized the decision. We think that if we give it to you, then the others might want to apply for it too. So please understand."

The more I think about it, the more absurd I think the reason is. Or should I call it an excuse. I applied for the elective posting incentive few weeks ago. The reason I applied is of course, most importantly, I could do with the extra money. The other reason is that there are 10 more unclaimed incentives out there, worth a total of RM 10,000, which could well be a great help to 10 more students who need it. 

If the school finds replacement students to receive the incentives, then fair enough. But the thing is, they don't plan to. The money is for us, students. Since the original recipients could not claim the incentive, why not give it to other students? So now what? The school is just going to keep the money for other more useless and idiotic activities like 5S? Or masuk kocek sendiri...touche!

If you tell me I am not eligible (results not good enough, not active enough, bad discipline), I will accept the reason. But no, the school is not able to give me the incentive because other students might want to apply for it?!!! WTF! So what? Why not let the students apply for the remaining incentives then? Fair and square. So now, you are indirectly telling me you're too lazy to read or consider more applications should it happen..that I cannot accept. To think that you guys actually discuss about this and came up with this excuse of telling me NO. I would rather you just tell me NO outright and not give me any reason because that is one lame reason. The fact that I am calling it a reason is already giving you more compliment than you deserve. 

(I'm referring to the school as a whole. Okay, maybe the HEAD of the school, who decides these things, not the direct lecturer that I'm in correspondence with.)