I am sorry I can't miss you more

There are times when I think I can do it without you. But there are times like today when i miss you terribly and don't think i don't think I can make it without you. I open my eyes today and forgot for a second that you are gone. I thought of calling you today to ask you how was Sunday mass, to tell you how stressed I am about my exams on Tuesday. I want to hear your voice and to hear you telling me that I can do it and to tell me not to be stressed and just go and try my best. Thoughout my life as a student, whenever I told you how afraid and worried I was about my exams, I could hear it in your voice that u had faith in me, that u always thought I could do well in my exams. I didn realized until now how important your belief and your trust are to me and how they actually serve as motivation for me to go on and embark on my undertakings. 

Since the day you are gone, i tell myself that I do not want to live to a ripe old age. I just want to live till my 60s maybe so that I can go and meet you soon. I still am afraid of death. I am afraid of death of the people around me, of the people that I love because I don't think I can deal again with another loss. But I no longer am afraid of my own death because I could go and meet you soon. 

In the past, whenever I heard of other people's passing, I could sympathise. But I never could empathize. It was always OTHER people and not my own and so i could never truly feel. But now, I could really empathise with the family of my patients who passed away, with my friend whose father just passed away. 

Tears used to be rare. My friends used to call me Ice Queen last time because i don't cry, i didn cry when attended funerals last time. It was just heard for me to tear. I am like a leaking tap these days, and tears seem to come freely and sometimes without me realizing whenever the thought of you comes. 

I want to miss you and think of you but I am sorry that I have to suppress the thought of you most of the time. Whenever I think of you gone....I just can't seem to go on. 

And please make me dream of you. I enjoyed going on a holiday with you in my dream the last time. 

The gift within the gift

This is going to be a happy post...been a long time since I posted something happy :)

Valentine's Day special ... Lol...

 We had a simple celebration of Japanese food, an action movie watched in the comforts of his room (The Escape Plan- it's such an awesome movie. I had to pause the movie a few times to give my heart a  break from the adrenaline rush.) The highlight of it all is the gift within the gift. It was a beautiful photo frame with a photo of us. That is just so sweet and just such a thoughtful gift coming from a guy. It's the sort of gift a girl would give a guy and usually the guy wouldn't be bothered..lol.. I mean come on, I didn't even thought of that. Am I a girl or what?! 

Now the gift within the gift. He wrote me a card (card is our thing..we always give each other card with our gift and again it's something started by him..). And on the card, he wrote me a POEM! If my heart could melt, it would! The poem is so sweet, so lovely, so romantic that I was rendered quite speechless! Now I am not a poetry kinda person. I don't read poems. So I didn't know if he took it from some book or renowned poet. I wouldn't have known. But it was later confirmed that he created the poem himself. *blissful sigh*  I grinned stupidly every time I thought of the poem..just like the first few weeks when we started going out. 

Hmm.. He asked me a question on the card that could either has a very superficial meaning but could also be misconstrued for a deeper meaning. Anyway, for whatever level of meaning the question has to indicate, my answer would still be the same. So i reciprocated and gave him my reply via (I truly regret now) whatsapp! I could have like written him a romantic reply on a note or something but I didn't 'cuz I was in a hurry to give him my reply..don't know why.. Anyway, don't think too much, which is also what he kinda said when I asked him the meaning of his question.. LOL

                                    

                              

                            

                         

In return, what did I give him? A lousy card which I made myself and my so-called love letter, which appears to be naggy and unromantic next to his poem... How?!!!