TIRED's the word

I am laziest in the most difficult posting. HOW CAN?!! I leave UMS as early as 6.30am and latest by 7.30 every day. I leave the hospital earliest at 5pm and latest at 9-10pm, which I am not supposed to. I am supposed to go on-call once a week until 12am. And the 45-min journey to and fro the hospital every day is really torturous for me. When I arrive at my room, all I want to do is to sink on my bed and sleep. Although, again I am not supposed to, because I am supposed to study (Duh!), sometimes, what started off as a planned 30-minute nap, went on until the next morning, when I would wake up cursing for 'accidentally' falling asleep.

There are TONNES of things I have to read, literally, TONNES, and yes, we are talking about reading only, not other assignments, case reports etc.. I have not even mastered 10% of the knowledge that I am supposed to know by now. Exam is NEXT WEEK and I have yet to finish the tedious case report. Trying not to freak out.

I know working life is going to be much tougher. Many seniors and friends who have started working have told me that. But at present, being a student, a medical student, to me, is T.O.U.G.H. too. Well, in retrospect this time, next year when I start working, I know I would wish to be a student again. But right now, right now, I just want to get this life over with. I just want to graduate. I am tired. Really, TIRED is THE word.

I was still very much driven in my previous postings this year. I was motivated, I worked hard, I even allowed myself to aim for distinction for each exam. But this posting, I am just not as driven, I am aiming and hoping only to pass. And that's a bad sign for me because I need my drive. I need the zest. I need my motivation. These things are important for me. And they are absent. I am hoping that it's only because of this current posting, Medicine. I don't know why but I find myself an aimless wanderer in this posting, so much to do that I didn't know what to do and how to start. And now, it's already the end of this posting. God help me! I'm really in the vicious cycle that Dr Wendy talked about- 'You don't study (enough), you feel stressed, you are afraid of failing, you feel more stressed, you can't focus and function because of the stress and the stress and 'malfunctioning' continues.

I hope I survive.

Let me dream

For those 2 hours when I was mesmerized and enchanted into the world of Twilight, I wished so acutely that I were Bella or even Alice- impossibly beautiful, rich, poised, kind, immortal, married to their soul mate, having God-like strength, never having to worry about getting sick, never having to worry about the people around you getting sick and dying because your family is immortal, having a family who is loving, supportive and understanding of each other, despite everyone not being biologically related. Everybody and everything was beautiful, easy- even a life-and-death situation seemed easily surmountable, pretty and romantic even. And Isle Esme is like a paradise, the luxurious car, the private plane, the wardrobe of trendiest clothes, the special talents and powers, having Edward...haha...okay, I am so shallow. But..but..everything is so perfect, even the challenges and problems. I am not really a fan of immortality. I often don't get why people in movies want to fight for immortality. But I guess if you know that you AND the people you love around you, are all going to be eternally happy, rich, blissfully in love, healthy, forever young, then I guess you would want to live forever. Who could get enough of this heaven-like life?! (not that I know what heaven is like)

Ah well, movies! Fiction! Modern day fairy tale! Who wouldn't wish for one!

Don't bring me back to earth so soon, let me dream a little!

The wedding scene was mesmerizing because of the breathtakingly beautiful flowers

This is the soundtrack during the wedding. It was also the soundtrack during their prom dance in Twilight. 

Dreamy sigh...

Happy pill

My car was submerged in the flood yesterday. Sigh... Depressed. Please tell me everything is going to be okay, because it sure looks like it's not going to be. In the most stressful posting now and one more, unexpected, unfortunate stressor for me. I DON'T DESERVE THIS! Why la God?!!

I try to find something positive out of any negative situation usually. I would think "Oh well, at least, I learn... " But this is just too bad and too big a situation for me to find something positive out of. Unexpected hundreds and possibly thousands to be spent for the repair, the time wasted worrying, the emotional stress, the inconvenience of not having a car, the silver cloud appearing above my head every time I think of the situation- like PTSD. I can't even look at Clinical Block without shuddering now.

Here's an attempt for optimism. Things could have been worse. And I have so many Good Samaritans lending me a hand. Today, my lecturer/ Nad's uncle came all the way to help me settle the problem. He and his friends tow my car all the way to his friend's workshop. Repair is definitely going to be way cheaper, at least. I find out who are my true friends and who isn't. I decided I am going to submerge myself completely into work the next week to take my mind off things. Talking to a patient today was some form of relief.

I need a happy pill.

My Unexpected Saviours

I was stuck in a situation today, the kind of situation that drove me to tears, actual tears.

I stayed back in Clinical Block today to while away the time while waiting for the time to go to Mass. It started pouring, I was nonchalant and continued to nap. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made this year, hopefully, the LAST for this year. Within minutes, the entire clinical block was flooded and by then, it was time for Mass. I headed out, reached the gate and saw that the water was already a foot deep. I decided to head back to the restroom to fold up my pants and took off my shoes. Believe it or not, I dropped my keys in the flood within that 5 metres' distance back to the restroom. Things went downhill from there.

I sat in despair as the flood level increased and increased. I burst into tears, because my car was going to get flooded for sure. I called everyone I could possibly call, some to ask for help and some to seek comfort, as my car sat there, awaiting its fate. I was akin to a mother worried sick for her child, who is out there, knowing that harm is coming her child's way and yet there was nothing she could do to prevent and protect her child. 

An hour later, I sat limp on the sofa, totally given up hope. By then, I could imagine my car being entirely covered by the flood. The water was already chest-high. Yes, the flood in Clinical Block, the place where I have classes next to the hospital, was this bad. In the meantime, a few concerned friends was texting me, offering support. 

Fastforward to now, with me sitting comfortably in my dorm blogging, I feel the aftertaste of fear, worry and anxiety and also an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness. The two guards in Clinical Block have pushed my car to higher grounds, in the heavy rain and flood, without me asking. Where in the world would you come across people as nice as this? Nowhere other than SABAH. They told me that the car light was still working and told me that the engine was probably safe. 

I do not know the fate of my car yet, after all, it was flooded. But their action touched me, deep to the core of my heart. Both of them might have just changed my mind as to where I would apply for housemanship next year. I might just stay back to serve the Sabahans. 

My own roommate of nearly 5 years could refuse to come and drive me home. But 2 mere strangers could go out of their way to help me, without my asking. One of the guards even came to the restroom every now and then to check how I was doing. (He probably saw me crying and decided to help..I persistently asked him about my car whenever he came by). And in the end, I took a ride from a senior, whom I have never spoken to before- another unexpected stranger. Although he was headed to UMS too, but he had to take the trouble to come to Clinical Block, despite knowing that the area would probably be flooded and jammed, to pick us up. And in the middle of that, another friend was offering tips on how to walk in floodwaters (she has had experience with that) and coordinating phone calls for me. She was the one who asked the senior to pick us up. And of course, another of my roommate, being the best friend she was to me, initially, borrowed someone's car to come pick me up but I told her to go back halfway as there was no way, at that time, was it possible for her to arrive without getting stuck in the flood as well.

Usually, in the comforts of my room, I always wish for heavy rain so that I could have a nice sleep. Little did I know that, that wish could have an entirely different impact on other people in other places. It would be presumptious of me to say that I understand now how flood victims feel, but I have learned to be empathetic to their plight. Imagine watching your house, your car, your livestock, your shop and livelihood get washed away and destroyed, and there's nothing you could do about it but watch and pray and yet, God wouldn't answer your prayer by stopping the rain. Imagine that. 

I am sorry, I couldn't help being angry with God because well, I would have gone home if I wasn't planning to go for Mass. Like hello God, I was going to go to church and yet you couldn't bless this misfortune away from me?! But now, I find myself thanking Him for my Unexpected Saviours today. 

Bastards

I was so mad yesterday. Today I am soooo soooo soooo MAD! Being the posting leader so far has been quite a breeze, easier than I have expected. I have had cooperative external lecturers, who communicated effectively to arrange classes with me. My arrangement of schedule has so far been smooth, not perfect, but no clashes or errors so far. But guess who is giving me troubles? My own group members/ colleagues. They skip ward rounds and the rest of the hardworking students and I got ticked off.

BLOODY BASTARDS...I have already told them from DAY 1 itself, who are the doctors you can't mess around with. Pandai-pandai lah...if you want to ponteng, see la who is the doctor. They, idiotic enough, decided to skip the sessions by the 2 most observant and strict doctors. What the fuck! Use your bloody brain la... Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot, you don't have brains! And you know what is their excuse?

"That morning, it looked like it was going to rain, so we decided not to go for the ward round."

Go fuck yourselves. You don't have even an ounce of guilt and shame in you that you could spit out this excuse to me and later on, to the doctor. I have never ever met such ridiculous people. Another of their group member, who also travels by bike could make it to the ward round, despite 'the weather which looked like it was going to rain'. Boy, they are psychic! This is the excuse given by medical students, FINAL YEAR MEDICAL STUDENTS, who are going to be doctors in 6 months' time, who are going to handle with LIVES. Can you believe it? I don't get why such lazy, irresponsible, conscienceless people decide to enter med school. Seriously! I would tell them to go build roads but then I wouldn't trust the roads that they build or tar either.

And the other few students who insistently told me they did join the other doctor's round were actually telling the truth, but not the complete truth. You see, they joined rounds and half way through the rounds, they went off. Come on, you think the doctor is a moron or is senile?!

And the worse thing is, the WHOLE GROUP gets the blame. Now, our group will be branded as the lazy group. And our Attitude & Behaviour mark at the end will probably be affected. And do you think we have any more right to demand for extra teaching sessions, which we so badly need when we (although only that few students being the culprit) are not even attending the existing teaching sessions? Do you think we can still bug the school to fly in a neurologist to teach us neuro when we are seen as 'lazy'? And do you think the school is going to negotiate with the HOD of the male medical ward to allow us to join their ward round when 'we' are not even joining the existing ward rounds? A BIG FAT NO to all of the above. And why? Because of those fuckers, that's why.

Hope, effort & a fighting spirit

The dog I mentioned in my previous post is really depressed and sad. I passed her by several times today, even once face-to-face on the stairs and she didn't even bother to get up. Previously, she would have chased me. Not that it was a bad thing that she didn't. But...she has had a change of behaviour. From what we learn in medicine, change of behaviour is usually a significant symptom. I'm sure it is too in veterinary science.

I witnessed a patient's demise today. The second time that I've watched a patient deteriorated from consciousness to mere nothingness, a lifeless body. I can't say that I am sad because since I don't personally know her, it would be pretentious for me to feel so. But I do feel down, gloomy and sympathetic for her husband and sister, who minutes ago, were just with her. Considering how much I like to do procedures, I couldn't bring myself to ask if I could do any during the resuscitation. Although I could and probably should have helped with the CPR, I didn't want my doubtful CPR skills to tamper with whatever bare chance she had of surviving. And so, I stood there, dutifully pressing the pulse oximeter to her toe- the only thing I could do to help. I didn't know why but at that time, I didn't feel hopeful for her, it was like I knew she was not going to make it and so when the time was called, I didn't feel surprised. I feel terrible for feeling that. Could it be because none of the resuscitations that I had witnessed so far had ever been successful and that has given me this pessimism? One thing's for sure, I can't be feeling so hopeless. When I work next time and come across this situation, I want to be able to feel hopeful for my patient, to put in all my effort in resuscitating my patient, with the HOPE that he/she will live. I want to help them fight for their life and I can only do so if I have hope in me and the genuine belief that whatever effort I put in matters.

To this patient, I am sorry that I wasn't fighting with you today. I am sorry that I gave up even before you did. I am sorry for not having any hope for you. I didn't know you and never had the chance to even speak to you, but yet, I have learned something out of you today- to have hope, to put in all my efforts and to always fight for my patients.      

Sorry for the bitch

Contrary to my last post, I had a really great BST today. And that makes me happy :) Found out Dr Phani can be quite pleasant, his face is actually quite pleasant after he took off his face mask..He seemed so stern with the mask on, hiding his smile. Ceh, actually curi-curi senyum di sebalik the mask. Hehe.. If only, I could persuade him to give us the ECG class voluntarily...hm... *scheming mode*

We also met a really nice HO, who came to us and asked if we wanted to practise short case with him. So nice of him...the second HO, throughout these years, who actually offered to teach us something. But then, he's a first poster, so he's probably still fresh and enthusiastic and still strongly committed to his personal vow of treating medical students nicely when he becomes a doctor. Lol...The first doctor I mentioned was also a first poster then. He was not as 'enthusiastic' anymore few weeks back when I saw him. Let's hope the aforementioned HO will remain as such few months later. Okay, I am being sarcastic and that's awfully mean of me. After all, I really did learn something new from him this week. He taught me 'Central pontine myelinolysis'. Cool right..I never knew this condition before this. Go read up! 

Yesterday, I saw the SPCA van down my block and they were trying to catch this bitch (no pun intended) who has been straying near our block chasing and biting people. I was relieved to know they were from SPCA. Don't trust the bloody government dog-catcher. Even though, she has chased me a few times too but I still can't bring myself to support the suggestion to catch it. But I guess if it were to be caught by SPCA, it wouldn't be that bad. Many students have brought this issue to the attention of the Student's Council which probably explained the SPCA's (failed) operation yesterday. Yes, they failed to catch her but they caught her puppies. And now, probably I am imagining things, but I think the dog looks so sad and morose and that it must be missing her puppies. :( 

I even made up an excuse for her behaviour of chasing and biting people. I think it was her hormones. You see, she was pregnant before this and she probably still is hormonal now, after having recently given birth. This must explain it. I need to confirm my theory with a vet. And to further defend her action, I think it was just her maternal protective instinct. You see, she hid her puppies beneath the stairs and people walk up and down that stairs every day. So naturally, whenever people wanted to use the stairs, she must be thinking that they were coming for her puppies and thus, went on a rage- a biting spree. Makes sense right? Anyhow, I think they shouldn't have separated the puppies from her. I feel so sorry for her :( I won't be surprised if she continues her biting spree out of sadness and rage at us (humans) for abducting her puppies.

Ignite the passion

I have to sprint. I am taking too much time easing myself into Medicine. I can't afford to be tardy. I have yet to meet someone like Dr Thawdar, who at the end of a teaching session, can make me feel in awe (seriously, IN AWE) of the new knowledge acquired. Not that I already know everything and that the doctors in this posting are not teaching me anything. They are teaching me something new everyday, but not in the way that Dr Thawdar can do it. She can teach in such a way that everything you have read in the books seems to come alive and be REAL, not just in the books; She can coordinate all the diverse information so well and correlate them to that particular case, so that you not only learn 1 disease but you learn absolutely everything there is to know about that system! Every knowledge she imparted sounded so fascinating. And naturally, when things fascinate you, you remember them better, the more you want to know more about it and inevitably, you fall head over heels in love with what you are doing and learning. 

There is so much to learn in Medicine posting that I know for sure it has the potential to fascinate me. But...but... I feel somewhat that the passion has not unleashed itself. I need someone, an enthusiastic doctor, who can teach well, to release that zest in me..to ignite the passion. I feel very inhibited...'constipated' in a way. You see how important your educators are?! 

I absolutely hate the doctors, who teach us in a hurry, like they just want to get the teaching session over with. And so far, that has been the situation in all our BSTs. At the end of a session, I always find myself thinking "Come on, you are a subspecialist. That was the best you can do?!" I mean, we don't know what we don't know. You are supposed to teach...teach... There is only so much we can ask because we DON'T KNOW what we should know! Exasperation to the max!