The dog I mentioned in my previous post is really depressed and sad. I passed her by several times today, even once face-to-face on the stairs and she didn't even bother to get up. Previously, she would have chased me. Not that it was a bad thing that she didn't. But...she has had a change of behaviour. From what we learn in medicine, change of behaviour is usually a significant symptom. I'm sure it is too in veterinary science.
I witnessed a patient's demise today. The second time that I've watched a patient deteriorated from consciousness to mere nothingness, a lifeless body. I can't say that I am sad because since I don't personally know her, it would be pretentious for me to feel so. But I do feel down, gloomy and sympathetic for her husband and sister, who minutes ago, were just with her. Considering how much I like to do procedures, I couldn't bring myself to ask if I could do any during the resuscitation. Although I could and probably should have helped with the CPR, I didn't want my doubtful CPR skills to tamper with whatever bare chance she had of surviving. And so, I stood there, dutifully pressing the pulse oximeter to her toe- the only thing I could do to help. I didn't know why but at that time, I didn't feel hopeful for her, it was like I knew she was not going to make it and so when the time was called, I didn't feel surprised. I feel terrible for feeling that. Could it be because none of the resuscitations that I had witnessed so far had ever been successful and that has given me this pessimism? One thing's for sure, I can't be feeling so hopeless. When I work next time and come across this situation, I want to be able to feel hopeful for my patient, to put in all my effort in resuscitating my patient, with the HOPE that he/she will live. I want to help them fight for their life and I can only do so if I have hope in me and the genuine belief that whatever effort I put in matters.
To this patient, I am sorry that I wasn't fighting with you today. I am sorry that I gave up even before you did. I am sorry for not having any hope for you. I didn't know you and never had the chance to even speak to you, but yet, I have learned something out of you today- to have hope, to put in all my efforts and to always fight for my patients.
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