Cursing vs Meditation

Ah...so things didn't turn out like I wanted or expected. :(

BUT

I will survive!

Again, when things occur in such a way that I am so sure it's going to turn out like I expected, God decided to challenge me. I feel like I am the object of some invisible forces twisting and controlling the events around me. Like in the movie Adjustment Bureau.

Ah well, no time to mull over nonsense. Exam's in a week! And there's a rat in my room. To think that I actually saw it scurrying INTO MY ROOM and yet wasn't able to do anything to prevent it. I feel so jumpy just being in my room... scared that any moment, the rat will come out and nibble on my toes or scurry on my bed while I am sleeping. I don't need this! Exam's in a week! And the damn PTPTN is still not in yet. I am so broke! Maybe I curse it too much. Have been cursing it since June.

Sigh... It's times like this that I wish I am someone who meditates. Instead I find myself cursing too often for my own liking.

Inner peace...inner peace....inner peace....

I am not impulsive, I just don't want to regret

Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.

Take a leap of faith (ala Wendy)

Approach (love) and (cooking) with reckless abandon.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Read between the lines.

Go for it.

When you want something, you'll rationalize, justify and make up whatever excuses to tell yourself to go ahead and get/ do that something. Likewise, I am only taking in whatever messages that tell me to go ahead...seeing it as 'messages' from God to tell me it's okay to do it. It was just a really teeny-weeny decision, so silly and so small that I couldn't believe it took me so much time to think, mull over, pray over and have palpitations over.

Past experiences have taught me never to do something or NOT do something that I will regret. Regret is really a terrible feeling which can eat you alive. It's not something that wanes easily with time. In fact, sometimes, with time, it gets worse. A friend once, in an attempt to comfort me, told me to 'Forget the past and look towards the future'. Looking back, I think it's quite a crappy advice considering what I just mentioned- that regret can worsen with time, so it will definitely mess up your future and how can you possibly look towards the future when you know it's gonna be messed up? Or that regret makes you unable to forget a past. So the 2 phrases, 'Forget the past' and 'Look towards the future' are just crap when used in the context of regrets. Don't ever say that to anyone who is acutely upset about some sort of regrets. Maybe when the person is feeling better and has learned to be more insightful or positive, then sure...you can use that phrase.

When I feel an impulsive need to do something these days, I will stop and ask myself,

Will I regret it? 

or
 If I don't do it, will I regret it in years to come? 

With that, some may consider what I did today as Impulsive or Silly or Whatever. But I did it in order to prevent a regret. I am also a realistic person, in that I know circumstances might change in such a way that I will regret my action. I really hope not. Anyhow, I am glad I did it today.

Heartwarming

A friend told me that Reading my blog is just like talking to me. He said that he felt like he just hung out with me after reading my blog. I don't know why but that feels so heartwarming. Well, I miss hanging out with you too, Ding. And I miss bitching about my classmates to you...Hahaha... our makan, bitching and gossiping sessions. The good ole times, I sure do miss it very much.  

Numb me, please

Sometimes, God, I think you are just trying to drown me. What do You want me to learn out of forcing my head into the water, making me struggle for air and then save me from the water again? You are killing me! urrghh....  

I need general anaesthesia now.

Paradox or irony?

The very person whom you want to impress is never impressed (by you). The person whom you think you like turns out to be unlikeable and the long-lasting friendship you now have is with the person whom you couldn't stand previously or whom you never even knew existed prior to this. The people whom you have known your whole life somehow never seem to end up as your closest or best friends. That person whom you want to attract just doesn't seem to like you but the person whom you dislike, in turn is attracted to you. The wish that you have been making for the longest time never seems to come true but that wish you never make (the unknown wish you never knew you had?) comes true instead. I guess that is when we always say a pleasant surprise? We never say an expected pleasant surprise, do we? The phrase itself is oxymoronic... expected and surprise? Not logical.

 Are all these just a form of balance in life or are these cruel jokes played on us in the hope that we may learn something out of them? Things don't turn out like we want them to so that we may learn what disappointment means and at the same time, learn to curse?  Things turn out unexpectedly well for us even though we never wish or pray for it so that we may learn to thank God? Say, you expect to be stuck in a traffic jam but instead, arrive at your destination in time. That is when you say "Thank God!" If we know there's no traffic jam and we are most certainly going to be on time, we never say "Thank God". What for, right? Instead if we turn out to be late when we expect to be on time, we curse.  

So what now? There's nothing we can do. I guess the difference between a happy, contented person and a grouchy, dissatisfied person is that the happy person remembers more of the pleasant surprises. And that sour puss remembers more of the disappointments.

Death doesn't come as you wish

The most dangerous type of patient is one who is not afraid of dying, who thinks that he is ready to face death head on, who thinks that an illness ends directly in death. Little did they know that an illness does not straightaway end in death. You fall sick and drop dead just like that= Quick death. Well, that' s wishful thinking! There is what we call Course of disease or Disease progress. There's always, always the in-between of a disease process which you have to suffer and go through before you die= The slow death. 

If you drop dead straight from a heart attack, then good for you. What if you don't? What if your atherosclerotic plaques break off and go to your brain and give you a stroke and you end up paralyzed? Again, you put your loved ones through suffering and sorrow because who is going to wipe your bum everyday, feed you or turn you every few hours to prevent pressure sores other than your loved ones. Don't be so 'optimistic' and think that death can come to you so easily, as you wish, the way you want it to. Think of the worst scenario before you decide to stop your medication and wait to die. 

And don't even get me started on waiting to die. There are so many, many sick people out there who are fighting to live and here you people are, smoking your lungs off despite having asthma, eating all you want despite having diabetes. Come on! (ala Prof Khin Ye Myint' s style)

Sigh...you want us to be good doctors to you. You people too...help us out and be good patients laaaaaaaaaaaaa............! 

 

Now you're making me..

 followed  by 

Babi lu...

You make me..

Staff...urghh... Patients :)

Will you bloody MO just fuck off and leave us alone?!! Mind your own business la... I wasn't even bothering you or asking you any questions or touching your patients. I was just looking at the bloody case note. Doctors, if you are not going to teach us anything or be nice to us, just fucking leave us alone, will you?! And the physiotherapist, who acted so condescendingly and arrogant, trying to tell us how important and great physiotherapists are and that a surgery wouldn't be successful without them to rehabilitate the patients post-op. And constantly stressing that physiotherapists are working ALONGSIDE doctors, not FOR doctors. Pleaseeeeee.....tell it to the doctors who have pissed you off in the past by dismissing the importance of your work. Don't take it out on us because I sensed you have been holding a grudge onto doctors due to some past bitter experiences? I don't know...but hello, we're innocent here. Okay, to be fair to you, Thanks for telling us, so that we will learn to appreciate and respect the work of physiotherapists from now on. Happy now? Jeez...!

Okay, I am cool now. Otherwise, first day of Paeds was good. Even got to present a long case. Played with a cute friendly baby boy. I was so amused by his hypotonic limbs, he was stretching like a gymnast, I was just happily looking at him stretching and putting his foot into his mouth when he couldn't grab anything around him to put into his mouth. And who cried when he accidentally hit himself on the head with a toy. Hahaha... As usual, the staff pisses me off but the patients brighten up my day. Oh, what will we be without our patients?!

Shaken

I sense I am going to be blogging more frequently in the next 2 months. Paeds hasn't officially started and I am already affected, emotionally. Went to the Paeds ward today and saw this chubby baby boy who looked so sick- hooked with nasal prong, Ryle's tube and just lying there so lifelessly. And then I read the case note.

"Traumatic brain injury, suspected NAI." (NAI stands for non-accidental injury, meaning deliberate injury, meaning abuse)

"Shaken baby syndrome"

"Terson's syndrome"

As soon as I saw those words, I started forming judgement. I know we are not supposed to, but I am only human. Many thoughts formed in my mind as I stole many suspicious looks at the mother from my peripheral vision. I was trying to detect any underlying sign of an abusive behaviour or any cruelty in this lady, as if there would be. Sorry Ma'am, I couldn't help but judge you. The mother was like any other mother in the ward, loving, and trying to soothe the irritable baby. Although according to the case note, the baby is said to be taken care of by the grandparents, I couldn't help but judge the mother too. The mother was probably 10 times more shocked and sad, and would probably dismiss any possibility of abuse. After all, it's not any stranger, her baby boy is being taken care of by his grandparents. 

I felt so sad looking at the baby boy. I feel sad even now, just thinking of him, the possibility of his injury being inflicted upon him deliberately by the people who are supposed to love and protect him unconditionally. I feel even worse now, in fact, after looking up the information online about Shaken baby syndrome. It is a triad of subdural hematoma, retinal hemorrhage and brain swelling. The estimated mortality is 15-38%. The non-fatal consequences include visual impairment, motor impairment such as cerebral palsy and cognitive impairment. To think that a previously healthy baby could be at risk of DEATH and all these morbidities because another human being did this to him. Tell me how can I not feel sad. I am shaken as well, to be reminded again of the cruelty that exists. 

I pray with all my heart that the baby boy will recover fully, with no permanent sequelae. I pray that his injury would actually turn out to be an accidental injury and not because of abuse. I pray that he will always be blessed with parents, grandparents, siblings, family members and friends who would truly love him, care for him and protect him unconditionally.