Gentleman

There's always the ongoing debate about how feminism and gentlemanly-ness don't go hand in hand. A feminist must never expect a man to be a gentleman and treat her like a lady. Well, this is never a problem for me because I'm never a feminist, although I'm not exactly the typical soft-spoken, demure, girly girl. On the contrary, I totally swoon over gentlemanly gestures.

And so, I was totally surprised when I didn't have to lift down my kneeler at church today. I'm so used to putting down and lifting back up the kneeler myself on every other Sunday. I couldn't help smiling when this teenage boy automatically did that for our row.

It certainly feels nice when a guy opens the door and lets you pass through first or offers to carry your bags of groceries for you or automatically reaches over the top shelf to get that pack of cereals for you. Those are enough. To expect a guy to open the car door for you or to offer to pump the air for your car tyres at a petrol station would be just too high an expectation. Now, we don't want to have such unrealistic expectations, do we?

Although I'm used to NOT being treated as a lady, I still find myself frowning when a guy opens the door, passes through it himself first, almost bangs into you in that process and leaves the swinging door to slam you in the face. I mean you call yourself a man?!! Like I wouldn't even leave the door swinging at my GIRLFRIENDS behind me. Or a guy who just stands beside you with his hands in his pockets while you are staggering with your books or bags of groceries beside him. This sort of guys is just incurable.

No, gentlemanly acts are never old-fashioned despite what some guys may think. I mean okay, we don't expect you to treat as as if we are cripples. And okay, maybe opening the car door is too much and unnecessary (but doing that sometimes on a special date would really melt a girl's heart). But sometimes, being gentlemanly is not a special effort that you have to muster up, it is basically just being HELPFUL, if you see it from another perspective. For instance, putting down a kneeler means that a girl would not have to bend ALL the way down (which is a long way if you are wearing heels) and risk exposing her front and back valleys in the process. Or when seeing a girl struggling to pump air into her car tyres, it would also save you the waiting time if you could just go and help her.

I have met both spectrum of the male species and I have to say, the inspontaneous, uninitiative 'gentlemen', have better buck up. This is survival of the fittest. You're at risk of becoming extinct if natural selection comes into play.

What do you call these people?

I have always wondered how people can have ZERO initiative, NIL! Say you see a friend coming in holding a pile of books, a backpack, a laptop bag, a bunch of flowers, a plastic of rambutans (you get my point) and you just stand there and do nothing when you are the closest person to him. Or you are the nearest to the door when someone knocks and you just continue sitting down doing nothing. Or you are asked a question and an answer is expected from you but you just kept a "huh, what?" face and look around eventhough it's a simple question like "What time is it?" Like what the hell! What is wrong with you? Are you like dead or what?

Nothing annoys me more than people who are un-initiative (not like the volunteer- to- voice- opinion or answer- questions- type, but the basic level of initiative), rude, speaks harshly, egoistic and condescending. It is also very important to me to mind your P's and Q's.

Another thing happened which just made me boil over. When you make decisions or voice out suggestions/ complaints as a group, you stick with them, AS A GROUP. When confronted by an authority figure or the subject of the complaint/ suggestion/ compliment or whatever, you don't say things like "Oh, I'm not the one who said that" or "I wasn't the one who wrote that" in front of all your group members. Like how selfish is that!! You want to get yourself out of the shit when confronted and leave your members to take all the blame? And you don't even have the courtesy to do that BEHIND their backs, you do that outright in front of them! That just makes you the lowest scum that crawls the earth. Ok, that's a bit harsh but still, I made my point.

GET OUT OF ME!

I have been feeling depressed lately. I have no idea why. Ok, maybe I have a few worries but who doesn't. I guess I understand now the feeling of a depressed or bipolar patient. It's a persistent feeling of low mood that you know is not normal and is not you. You know something is wrong with you and you try doing all sorts of things to feel better. I tried going to watch Eclipse alone for the second time and it worked, for that day at least. Then I tried going swimming on this day when I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, with chest tightness, panting breaths and palpitations for God knows what reason. And I have been having neck and shoulder ache for months, which now I think COULD be a symptom of anxiety disorder. But so far, it hasn't affected my sleep and daily functioning and I really hope it won't.

Or am I just malingering or suffering from somatoform disorder? But I don't think so because I am not feigning all these feelings to get some sort of personal gain.

Whatever it is, I hope I get over this period FAST. It's just awful, not feeling happy. Every of my laugh sounds fake and forced. My quick temper has gone even 'quicker' now. Lol... I'm sure my group mates must be thinking I am having PMS or premature menopausal symptoms...haha..but probably not.

Or is it just being in psychiatry posting that is affecting us? D has been feeling low these few days. N has some odd feelings too. And of course, SL is completely manic. Wish I can be manic instead of depressed.

I don't know what the upside of all this is. I usually try to find the upsides for every bad thing. I guess it makes me appreciate happiness more? How lame is that..lol! Now I'm making jokes for myself?!!

"REMOVE MOUNTAINS"

"Remove mountains" is a common Jewish phrase for removing difficulties. A wise teacher who could solve difficulties was called a "mountain remover". This is what I've read in 'Lectio Divina', a booklet I read as a shortcut to the Bible. Sigh....I'm a terrible Catholic, who needs a shortcut, yes.

The problem with my elective payment has caused me much frustration and worries, yes again, I'm a worrier. As my mum always do, the first thing she asked me whenever I told her of any problem I'm facing is "Did you pray over it?" And as usual, that question will be met with a guilty silence and a surprisingly, shocking enlightenment. I'm amazed and yet annoyed at myself because I can forget AGAIN AND AGAIN, what seems so obvious. I mean it's so obvious that prayers are ESSENTIAL and I truly believe and know that. And yet, every time I'm met with no matter how big or small the obstacle, I will be so caught up with my worries and frustration that it completely slips my mind the most obvious and easiest solution: PRAY. How many times do I have to experience God's greatness and miracles to get that into my thick head?!!

God has spoken to me. The Saturday readings in Lectio Divina which I was reading was "Nothing will be impossible to you" and Jesus said "....if you have faith a grain of a mustard seed, you will say this to the mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move." If I only I had that amount of faith, my problem could have been solved long ago. But now's not too late.

I know now that my problem IS SOLVED!

Made to slog like a cow

I remember taking my mum's old account books when I was young and pretending to be a teacher by marking those books. I took LOADS of my mum's books and tried to make myself as BUSY a 'teacher' as I could be. Since young, I have always wanted a busy job, a job that can keep me on my toes all the time. When I worked part time as a salesgirl in boutique, and then a department store and followed by, in a pharmacy, I found those job pure torture, because I couldn't stand DOING NOTHING all day. I loved the public holidays and weekends when busy times and heaps of customers were a sure thing. When I entered clinical years, I loved on-calls as there were a high chance that I could actually DO something, using my hands, hands-on work. But of course, I was/am disappointed at times when the Emergency Department turned out not to be as busy as I expected.

I love learning about psychiatry and psychology as much as I love learning new things, theories (because they are still only theories and I can still challenge them) and philosophy (I happen to find psychiatry, or psychology at least, very philosophical). BUT, the BUT is that procedural work is sooooo limited in psychiatry, no, make that almost non-existent. Luckily, it's only 7 weeks or I would have been irreversibly ruined. Why ruined? Because sitting around, for me, sets off a vicious cycle. When I sit around not doing anything with my hands, I become very lethargic. And when the lethargy goes away, it will be replaced by a gradual onset of laziness. And the mild laziness will then become more serious and prolonged until I just don't feel like getting up anymore (metaphorical). And ultimately, but not yet for now, I will become a total bum. And after realising that I've become a total bum, I will become stressed about it and the stress will turn me into this hostile and crappy person, who snaps at people easily. AND ALL these happen because I AM TOO FREE. Am I sick or what? Or am I destined for a hard life, hard as in the-need-to-slog-in-order-to-be-happy kind of life?

*sigh* I can't wait to go back to the life of blood-taking, IV cannulation, doing CBD (ok, maybe not this after a disgusting episode), taking fast and concise history because it's an emergency case and even, physical examination, yes, even that. Oh..wait....dang...I'll be going to Combined Specialty posting next...I don't think there will be much procedural work there too. Somebody better find me a cure for irreversible laziness, fast!

Murphy's law

Murphy's law states that "Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong." or
Bak pepatah "Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga".

I worry too much. You know why? Even when I'm having peaceful and problem-free days/ weeks, I would start to worry because I know something is going to go wrong soon because, knowing LIFE, it wouldn't be that easy...I wouldn't get to live my life peacefully and problem-free ever after. Of course, looking back, most of my problems got solved in the end (Praise God!) but the process of going through and solving those problems is just torture.

AHH...I can't wait for my rough phase to be over and the peaceful phase to come.

Though if I think logically and "Count my blessings" (*roll eyes*), of course, my problems are nothing compared to so many others' out there. But sometimes, I just want to be irrational and sulk and complain and NOT count my blessings and just cry over how big my troubles are. I want my problems to be acknowledged as important and a big deal and be sympathized. Right, I'm pathetic. Most of the time, my parents fulfill that need, their words soothe and comfort me. And by acknowledging how 'big' and important my problems are, they make me feel like I'm such a strong and independent person and THAT gives me new strength to go on.

Moral support including words of encouragement and prayers cannot be seen or touched or measured. So, it is very easy to forget these abstract forms of support compared to more concrete forms like material/ monetary support. It is very easy to shout "What have you done for me?" but it is difficult to reply "Remember the encouragement that I gave you?" or "The prayers I have said for you". Those don't sound very convincing as opposed to "I bought you a car" or "I bought you that handphone".

That being said, I think moral support, encouragement and prayers may well be the more essential thing we need in order to go on with life.