LIVE !

We tend to take our lives for granted. When we hear of other people's passing, though there's the feeling of loss and sadness, we feel kinda 'detached'. As in "Oh, it's OTHER people, not me." As if THAT would never happen to us. Or when we hear of our mother's friend's father-in-law being diagnosed with cancer, again we feel a sense of...how should I put it....a sense of self-centredness? Like "Oh, it's OTHER people, not me, not my family." And we sympathize. Sympathizing itself is feeling sorry for someone without really feeling for them, without trying to put yourself in their shoes and really FEEL for them, because that would be empathizing. So, sympathizing is kinda like saying "Oh, it's too bad that this happens to you and I know it feels terrible BUT sorry, I don't want to know the extent of how terrible you feel and I don't want to experience what you are feeling for myself." Not that sympathizing is a bad thing and practically, for the preservation of our own mental health, we really cannot afford to empathize all the time.

Why do I say we tend to take our lives for granted? Because it never really occurs to us that we, ourselves may be facing death like say, tomorrow? Okay, this is such a 'Suai' and 'Choy' thing to talk about. But my point is, we don't appreciate life enough. We don't live our life to the fullest. We don't love enough. We don't tell the people we love 'I love you', thinking that we have all the time in the world. We don't forgive and forget readily enough. We don't say sorry enough, preferring to bear the grudges in us till God knows when. We don't repent sincerely enough thinking that we still have plenty of time to repent. We don't pray enough thinking that the time to face God is still so far away. We don't go out and do the outrageous things which we have put in our own 'List of Things To Do Before I Die" etc etc.

If a psychiatrist sees what I'm writing, I would most likely be diagnosed with depression. The death anniversary of somebody close to my heart is coming up. It's almost the end of the year. And because I used to think that I still have plenty of time with him, I hold back what I wanted to say. I couldn't bring myself to tear away my pride to apologize to him for disappointing him, for not expressing myself better and telling him how much he has influenced my life. That will always be my life's greatest regret.

And so, I told myself since then that I WILL and I SHALL never again hold back the things I want to say and do. I will try to apologize more readily. Although, being a total Asian means I will always have difficulty telling my parents I love them so very much in person, I will try to love them in my way and express it more openly to them. I will try to be more magnanimous and overlook the little things that usually annoys me. I will try to be more adventurous. I will try to see the good side of people more often. I will try to pray more. I will unabashedly ask a guy out on a date. And I will try to summon that courage to go get that tattoo which I've always wanted to get. I will laugh, smile, hug and love more freely.

I have recently done something unconventional. Although it's embarrassing like hell, but when I think of how unpredictable and short life is, like what if I die tomorrow, I realized, I would rather live with the possible humiliation then the definite regret if I hadn't done it.

I should probably talk to a psychiatrist or steal some antidepressants. :)

Sound of chickens

I can't believe the sound of chickens sent me into an uncontrollable fits of laughter till I nearly choked for laughing too hard. It all began when I was cooking my duck- flavoured maggi mee and Lok commented that something smelled like fried chicken. And Nadiah made things worse by saying "Duck-flavoured? As in QUACK QUACK?" But Lok's comment of 'fried chicken' stopped me for a second. Suddenly, I realised that I forgot what sounds do chickens make. My mind just couldn't recall and imagine the sounds of chicken. I know in English, we write as "Cluck cluck" but that's just in WORDS. And this Nadiah went and said "Don't chickens make sounds like "Cock-a-doo-da-doo". I was like "WHAT!! NO!!!" My auditory cortex and temporal lobe just refused to summon the auditory image.

As usual, when my mind is sent into a state of confusion, I HAVE to clear it. And so I did, by searching on YouTube "Sounds of Chicken". And of course, I got my answer from the video but again, this time, it wasn't my mind that 'cracked up'. I cracked up, into fits of laughter when I watched this video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpNgah-e6v4

Now I think I'm nuts for finding this video funny. Hmm...Nadiah was bursting into laughter too when I forced her to watch it. So maybe, I'm not nuts after all.

And of course, CHICKENS "Pokk...pokkk...".

Today...

Today is the kind of day when I feel like doing a bungee jump, just to get my heart beating like a hummingbird (beating like a hummingbird? I don't know where I get that from...). To describe a day as dull is kinda boring. The very word 'dull' itself dulls me...duh. So I will describe a dull day using the most colorful words and random, exciting phrases.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like getting caught for smoking in the hospital (not that I smoke) by my school's 'disciplinarian'. Actually, I don't, not this one. It's not the smoking part, it's the latter part that is too gruesome to imagine.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like suddenly running into a friend whom I haven't seen in the last 5 years.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like getting chased after by a dog and having to run like the wind for survival.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like getting a tattoo.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like assisting in a heart transplant surgery (phwoar....!).

Today is the kind of day when I feel like doing 12 venepunctures and 5 ABG.

And today is the day when I really have to get started on my tutorial preparation on the anatomy of the lateral wall of the nose, finish my ENT book, get further along on my KL Moore on the anatomy of the ear, nose, throat and get started on the anatomy of nervous system, especially cranial nerves.

I'm feeling stupider each day, a progress which I'm determined to HALT. I'm going to get smarter each day, by first finishing this blog and getting off the internet.

Saying It, Doing It

When I get a question in my head, I can't rest until I've got it out. Or when I have an opinion about something, I can't stop myself from speaking out either. If I somehow, miraculously, succeeded in suppressing that comment (usually sarcastic ones), I will not say it BUT I will SHOW it by portraying the facial expression and body language which says 'I have something to add to that but I don't think you'll get it or the 'Never mind' kind of look. If I have a sudden craving for a particular food, I'll continue to think of that food until I've eaten it. If I have an impulsion to do something, needless to say, I will go ahead and do it, no matter how bad an idea it might turn out to be.

After I've had my say, fulfilled my cravings, had my questions answered or impulsion acted upon, then can I only have my peace of mind, although sometimes, the consequences of my actions leave me in a state of emotional or mental turmoil. Well, what can I say except "You never know what will or will not happen. " I just can't live not knowing.

Past experiences have taught me that. There were a couple of times when I didn't say the things I should, do the things I ought to and I ended up regretting them up till today, STILL wondering if things could have turned out differently. The regret is just too much. And so, since the last episode, I've vowed to myself that I will never again suppress anything that I badly want to say or do. I really don't know YET if this is a good thing. Guess only time (and a few 'experiments') will tell.

Aging and dying

A friend's dad passed away recently. The mother of a doctor, who used to teach me in the hospital, passed away too recently. And then I heard a senior had an accident and was in ICU just few days ago. They are all terrible news. It's like the weather suddenly turns cloudy and a black cloud comes and lingers above my head whenever I hear of such news.

Each time I come back home for holidays, my parents seem to look older, with more white hair. Sometimes, the reality of their aging hits me when I see my friend's parents. I would think "Hmm..how Sally's dad has aged with all that wrinkles and white hair and extra weight." And almost immediately, it made me think of my parents.

I literally shudder at the thought of my parents leaving me forever. Sometimes, I would tear just thinking of them leaving me. There was once when I dreamt that my parents had an accident and were gone. The nightmare was so terribly real. There was even a scene in the nightmare where I was coping after the accident and a friend tried to bring me to an activity organised by a Buddhist association (he was a staunch Buddhist, apparently). And everything was just so so so so real that I even wished so hard, in my dream, that all that could just be a terrible dream and that I would just be able to wake up from it. AND I DID wake up from it, of course.

Waking up from that dream has got to be the HUGE-EST relief that I have EVER had. And I was so overwhelmed by the nightmare and so relieved that I just burst into tears. Like I was crying like nobody's business after I woke up. Of course, my roommates were alarmed. And my parents too when I called them immediately after that, STILL crying. LOL... It felt LOL now but not at that moment.

Sometimes, I get really frightened when I hear of my parents traveling outstation. I would pray exceptionally hard that they would have a safe journey. There was once when they were traveling to Genting without me. I was so worried and started imagining the landslides and all.

I try to get something positive out of this fear. Like whenever I start to become rude or do something hurting to my parents, I will think how unpredictable life is and they could be leaving me suddenly. I try to be as filial and loving a daughter as I can.