Heartache and Happiness

It is difficult for me to go home. I could imagine the sight of my dad lying on the floor watching tv, sitting on the couch surfing on his phone. I almost expect to hear the sound of his car and him coming through the gate. He seemed to be everywhere in the house and yet he is not. And that makes his absence felt so much more, almost palpable. 

It is hard for me to meet and be with my family too. Being together, all four of us now feels incomplete without my dad. Seeing my mum and my brothers reminds me even more of his absence.

I don't know if is it only me that have such a weird reaction. Bereaved family members should usually find consolation in each other, or that is what I imagine should be. 

I am not too keen on spending Christmas at home this year because going for dinner, being at home, going to Christmas Eve mass just wouldn't feel the same and would be just too much for me. 

I have planned to spend Christmas in Melaka with my family. I have asked the bf to come along. I imagine that we would have a good time. And having him along would be a great help. When I see my family and the reminder of my dad s absence threatens to engulf me, the bf's presence would be like a lifeline for me to hold on to. 

But... He just told me he can't make it as he has stuff to do with his mum on that particular day, Christmas Eve. My first selfish and bratty thought was Why?! Of all the days in a year, why they do have to have prayers on Christmas Eve?! And we have decided to change our anniversary to Dec 25. That makes me want to spend Christmas with him even more.

Perhaps I am too greedy. For wanting too much. To have the best of both worlds. My family and Him. 

Having him in my life is a great source of happiness, comfort and joy to me. But I supposed in a relationship, with the happiness that comes along, sometimes you also have to bear with the aches and disappointment. The disappointment when a date couldn't take place, when promises/ expectation cannot be fulfilled, the ache of missing each other when you couldn't get to see each other for many days, the worries you have for each other. 

I can be very vocal and loud and straightforward. But I am neither of those when it comes to expressing my feelings. So far I usually just swallow my disappointment and aches and just try to rise above the occasion. To think and reason. That he doesn't want things to turn out that particular way either. I wonder if this is the right way to act and react. Perhaps the right thing to do would be to express my feelings to him. I don't know. I will just have to wait and see and use my own trial- and- error attempts. 

"He will make straight your paths"

Day 9 of tagging. So exhausted. This is such a mentally stressful posting. Lots of evil people in it who seem to go all out to make life terrible for housemen. Don't understand what the hell is wrong with them. And the new shift system will be implemented next week where we will only have one day off per week, and it's a post-night call off. So depressing.

Came across an encouraging and comforting verse: "Trust in The Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways be mindful of him and he will make straight your paths". (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

Unhappily ever after

I feel like happiness has been sucked out of my entire being and that I am incapable of feeling happy ever again. 

Night time is the worst. I could almost see my dad lying on the floor watching tv or sitting on the chair using the laptop reading his news or sitting on the couch using his phone with earphones on watching YouTube. 

I would give anything, anything and everything just to see him and touch him again for just a minute. 

If this is what I am feeling I cannot imagine what my little brother must be going through. He was so close to my dad. 

I miss you Pa

I kept looking at the gate, hoping and wishing to see my dad walking in through the gate in that quick and energetic pace of his.

Everything I do, everywhere I go, every word I hear reminds me of him.

Every road I drive pass, every building I pass reminds me of my dad.

Every thought that I have is of him.

Almost every minute, I pray silently in my heart and hope fervently that all this would turn out to be a very long bad dream and when I wake up, he would still be around.

No more phone calls from him every time I drive back to JB to make sure I have arrived safely. I am always unsure whether I should turn into Senai on my way back to BP and I would always call him to ask.

I miss you terribly, Pa.

I wish my brain and heart could stop working so that my heart could stop aching that much and I could stop thinking of you that much because it really really hurts.

Anniversary Month and Anniversary Resolutions

November is my new favorite month on top of December. December has always been my favorite month because it is the Christmas month and the holidays month. December is such 'tis a season to be jolly time..it just feels festive for me, preparing and counting down the days to Christmas.

Now November is my new second favorite month now because it is my anniversary month. LOL. Few months ago, I had this conversation with the BF. I asked him when is our anniversary..as in on which date should we consider it our anniversary..Our first date? The date we officially became a couple? The day we first met? Well, there wasn't much discussion. We just agreed on the first. Our first date. And yes,

Today is our first-year anniversary! 

Like wow! It has been one year already?!

When I quizzed him on the date of our first date, hmm..he didn't get it right. I got it right...after I went and searched the movie ticket and checked the date on it (I confessed to him later on)! HAHA.. And he tried to cover for himself for getting the date wrong by saying "Let's make the whole of November our Anniversary Month and we will celebrate every day in November!" Ha...Nice trick! But it is the trick that we eventually agreed on later, that we will make November our Anniversary Month instead of just having A DAY.

And I guess that is why we are both not celebrating today. We are both working today. And I haven't even got him a gift yet! Eheh...

Let's see...Our first date.. We went for Skyfall movie and a Japanese dinner before that. I was the one who made the first move and asked him out first. I made that FIRST move and he made all other subsequent moves from then on. There have been a number of dates prior to us becoming officially a couple but there wasn't much hesitancy or thought-pondering processes where we would wonder whether he likes me or not and vice versa. There wasn't much courting, as in...Say a guy likes this girl who initially doesn't have feelings for him and so he has to go all out to make her fall in love with him or vice versa. There wasn't that because we both already mutually like each other from the start. Of course, it is not like there wasn't any at all because although we like each other, we weren't like head over heels in love. So I guess, there is still that effort that every couple puts in to make each fall IN LOVE with the other. We are a very undramatic couple, which is very well suited to me. I don't like drama...those complicated things associated with relationship..arrghh..such a drag.

Anniversary resolution:-
1. We have to take more photos together as a couple!
We don't camwhore enough. Sometimes when I miss him, I would browse through my photos of him and I'd flabbergasted..Like WHAT! That is all the photos I have of him?!

2. We have to explore more places together.
We often joke that we are the most unproductive couple. If given the choice, we would just eat in everytime and then cuddle together while watching a movie.

3. Continue to be passionately in love with each other (I know damn mushy..haha)

Now I reallyyy need to go get him the anniversary gift!

Nonchalant, ignorant and irresponsible

PMS-Ing!!! Was so short tempered yesterday and just flew into a rage(s). There were supposed to be 4 people working in my team yesterday and after my friend and I had done our morning round, we realized that 2 of our colleagues were missing. They still hadn't arrived for work at 8am. We start work at 7am.

So I called HO A. He apologized and told me that he would be late due to car problems.. Fair enough., good enough a reason. But I still gave him a piece of mind for not informing us, his colleagues and I even did that on our department whatsapp group (of course our whatsapp group only consists of ho, no mo or specialist in it). 

Then I called HO B. No one picked up the phone. I whatsapp her in our group chat again but no reply . I guess she isn't in our group chat. And she didn have the courtesy to inform that she wasn't coming to work. Even when she came to work today, she just acted as if nothing happened. I mean come on, where is your sense of responsibility and teamwork. No respect for your colleagues. 

And the weird thing is Ho A actually called B to tell her he ll be late and she just said okay. And then she herself didn come to work. I mean why the hell would you say okay when you are planning not to come to work. Really cannot fathom what is in these people s minds.

Later on in the day, HO A went to read a venous blood gas for a patient and I was wondering an hour later why he didn come to show us the results. I was thinking that the result must be normal. Since he is a first poster, I went and checked the vbg result just to make sure it was okay. I got a shock. The vbg shows severe metabolic acidosis with a ph of 7.22 and a HCO3 of 8! We took the vbg because the patient s blood sugar was very high and we were worried of diabetic ketoacidosis. 

I realized that that result doesn correlate with the patient clinically as the patient was very well and comfortable and no symptoms of DKA. It was either the abg machine was faulty which is something very common in our hospital or that the result doesn belong to the patient.

What angered me the most was that HO A failed to see the significane of the terrible vbg results. If that is really the result of a patient we would have to intubAte the patient immediately. I called him and half shouted at him. For not recognizing the severity of such a vbg result. For not recognizing that it must have been an inaccurate result for that patient. For failing to at least ask us or show us the results and simply just leave the results in the case note without doing anything.

As expected it turns out he doesn't know how to interpret a blood gas result. I cooled down after that and sat him down and taught him slowly how to interpret blood gas results. I even turned the oxford handbook page to the acid base balance chapter and asked him to read. And guess what he said? 

"Eunice I have 2 of these books in my car but I cannot read la.. I just cannot.." 

Me: Why cannot read?

HO A: Arrr..aiya.. My English is not very good.. I cannot read la. 

I really hope he takes an effort to improve and learn. If not, his nonchalance and ignorance and irresponsibility are going to cost many lives.

Another incident that sparked off my anger .. Yes, I m not done yet.. I found out 2 of my patients' specimen, one was a blood specimen and another was a specimen from the patient's abdominal drain, weren't sent to the lab since Thursday. We kept tracing the results and just couldn't get the results. We collected the patient s abdominal drain for 4 consecutive days because of that. And I found out that all the specimens were still in the ward and not sent. I just flipped. I saw a ppk and just complained to her. 

Aiyo.. All these may seem like trivial matters but they angered me a lot. I just don't understand why people can work like tHat. They just can't be bothered. Stressed betul working with such people. 

And perhaps the PMS is also another contributing factor for my short fuse. 

Let me sleep!

I am glad my boyfriend is also a doctor. No offense to anyone or not trying to sound all high and mighty. At the end of work each day, we would talk about our day and most of the time, I'd unload on him about how my work has been.. About the patients, the bosses, some interesting cases, how busy I was. And he would understand. I can't tell this thing to my dad or my brother, my mum understands quite well and sympathizes. My dad once told my mum he couldn't understand why I could be so busy and that stemmed from me not answering his calls. How can I answer his call when I m in the middle of doing rounds with my specialist or when I am working in labour room where there is no line. My brother came home from work and asked quite persistently for me to go dinner with him. How can I comply willingly when all I want is to have some sleep after being awake for 21 hours or that I need to grab some precious sleep before going to work the night shift?! They don't understand and I don't bother explaining.

And so I salute couples of different occupations, for being able to understand and compromise with each other on the different line of work and working time. How do they do it?!

And this post arises due to frustration on being awaken from sleep just to go eat. I would have preferred to have my sleep and then wake up in a better mood which would have given me a better appetite. Once again, family or not, I miss my privacy and freedom! :(

Forcing a smile

Privacy invaded. Personal space breached. No heads up for me whatsoever. Just happened one fine day. Talk about surprises. Unpleasant surprise . My space, my privacy but I have no say. Have to bear it all in the name of family, love and duty.

Keep telling myself I have many things to be thankful for. It's a test I know. Can't do anything except accept it and thank God for this trial. It seems He thinks I am getting too comfortable. 

"forced smile"

Short bursts of happiness

Trying very hard not to feel depressed. The time right before work is always worse as the thought of going to that hellhole is just well, depressing. But when it' s time to go home, I would always feel happy. And I always feel good during my off days. But not anymore recently. During my off days, I find that I am feeling a bit down too. Nope,that can't do! Refused to let stupid O&G defeat me although I know this is going to be a tough battle since the new shift system is out and it involves us working for even longer hours.

And so I am trying to give myself short bursts of happiness here and there to counter that depressed feeling. Forced myself to come to the mall today and just hang out. Kinda missed Nadiah who would always be there for me in Uni. She seemed to be able to sense it whenever I was feeling down. She would ask me out for shopping or a movie or a nice meal or go eat some really sinful cakes/ ice cream/ chocolate.

Although there is no replacement for a good friend, I thank God for a new company, for bringing him into my life.

We went for a little road trip to Desaru, my suggestion, of course. Need to get out of town for a bit..so sick of work and the hospital and the town.

                                                       

The desaru beach was surprisingly quite clean and nice.

                                           

                 

Ostrich farm                                         

It's really not bad. They have guides and every few minutes there'll 

be someone giving a talk and introduction about ostriches. 

                                         

                                           

                               

The ostrich egg is hugeeee! We have been told that an ostrich egg is equivalent to 25 chicken eggs! Guess how do you open an ostrich egg? They used a drill! 

I have a photo of me standing on 2 ostrich eggs but I don't have the photo with me. It's quite amazing how big and hard an ostrich egg is. 

We tried the ostrich satay. If you want to visit the farm, I suggest you go with an empty stomach because there are a variety of ostrich meat products for you to try- fried ostrich eggs, ostrich bak kut teh (lol?!), ostrich satay, ostrich steak, ostrich meat curry etc etc. Too bad we already had lunch before we went there.

And if you're lucky, you'll get to witness some extra scenes like ostrich copulating.. Haha.. We were lucky. 

What a shit place I'm in!

I am not happy. There are temporary short bursts of happiness on and off but the baseline feeling that I feel is :( . It' s not something chronic, just started to have this feeling since 2-3 weeks ago. Sigh... I feel so exhausted mentally. Of course the root of this crappy feeling is O&G. Working in this department in this hospital just sucks beyond words. The work that never ends, that's one thing. And you walk and breathe stealthily afraid that any move of yours might cost the life of both a mother and  her baby. And then you will be punished and what punishment could be worse than having to spend another few months in this posting- Extension. Just thinking  of it gives me sleepless nights (not literally of course, most days I just come home and konked off  'cuz I am burned out by the time I reach home)

I know I shouldn't be such a baby considering all specialists and MOs now are relatively so much nicer than the previous ones, at least that's what I've heard. After work everyday, you have that feeling of unease, worrying that throughout out your shift you might have done something wrong or not written something properly. Documentation is of utmost importance in O&G. Improper documentation could jeopardize their job. I understand, I really do. Every perinatal mortality and morbidity contributes directly to the national statistics. That is why everyone in O&G is so paranoid and obsessive about documentation. And if I remember correctly, perinatal mortality and morbidity is one of the statistics used to determine how developed a country is.

All this stress, worry, trepidation, work are slowly taking its toil on me. A few specialists saw my face a few times during work and they said "Why do you look like you're going to cry?" I didn't know my face is so easily readable. And I thought that I could hide my feelings well. I thought wrong.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................................

It's not that bad when I'm working because I don't have the time to feel and think. The most difficult moment is when I wake up, knowing I have to go to work. That feeling of dread is not a nice feeling. I want to enjoy this posting, enjoy doing the procedures and enjoy handling the emergencies. But how can anyone enjoy learning in such an environment. Whenever there is an emergency or a mortality you start praying that you have nothing to do with that case. They will read every single word written in the case file and identify any possible mistake. So whether it's a case that you've clerked today or 2 months ago, you better start praying that your patient never gets into any problem ever. I appreciated the mistakes that I have made because one thing commendable about O&G is that they teach and so I always learn from my mistakes. But any mistake in their eyes is also deserving of an extension. Whatever we do is wrong, whatever we don't do is also wrong.

It's a huge big pile of shit we are in. We, meaning, all of us in O&G. Arghhhh.. Damn shit la... Cannot tahan...

Low point

I am at such a fucked up place with fucked up bosses and seeing literally fucked up patients.

I haven't cursed for a long time, not even in crazily busy medical.

This posting is in an entirely different realm..the evilness of the people here just know no bounds.

Pampered and Loved

There have been a few times when I really wanted to blog but the internet at my house is practically non-existent. I'm hoping that I'll have time to finish blogging this post before the internet is down again.

3 more weeks to my medical posting. Can't wait to leave already, unlike in Paeds when I didn't feel like leaving at the end of my posting. Passed my medical assessment, with a shocking 97%. I didn't do that, God did. It just couldn't be me. I didn't even have time and the motivation to properly revise. My assessment was on Valentine's day, Thursday and the day before was Ash Wednesday, a day of obligation, meaning it was a must to go to church for mass. But I skipped church on Wed and I felt so bad and so guilty. But if I had gone, I would just come back from church and crash straightaway without studying.

In retrospect, God is great indeed! I had some time to study on Wednesday at the expense of missing church. My ward wasn't the active ward on Thursday, which meant that I could finish my ward work quite fast, leaving me with some time to study and calm down before my assessment in the afternoon. I was so afraid that God would punish me for not going to church but I was such a faithless creature for even thinking that. God is loving and wonderful and merciful. How could he possibly be so petty as to fail me just because I missed Ash Wed?! I was completely speechless and just touched when I found out I passed with such good marks.

During my assessment, I got a call from a guy asking me very abruptly for my exact location in the hospital. I was annoyed at first. For one, I was in the middle of exams and this guy never introduced himself and just asked "Di mana kamu sekarang?" To cut the story short

A bouquet of roses with a box of chocolate was delivered to the hospital for me, to my ward, signed and received by a male colleague on behalf of me in front of all the patients, my colleagues and MO. I told the sender later that luckily I wasn't in the ward to receive the flowers in person and be the center of attention. Imagine the horror! Haha..  I know I deserved to be smacked for saying this. Many girls would kill to be at the center of attention for this. But what to do?! I am just too shy! Muahaha...   

The gifts, the dinner, the time spent with you, the many hugs and kisses...

I feel very pampered and very much loved. 

C.R.A.N.K.Y

My threshold is 1 week- The threshold for the duration which I can stand not seeing TGIL. I realised that since the beginning, we have always gone out at least once a week and because of this, I can only stand not seeing him up till 7 days. Every time we meet up, it's like I am recharged. Today, it's almost nearing the deadline of 7 days and I find myself missing him terribly, although we talk EVERYDAY! And we work in the same hospital. OMG, I hope I am not some kind of weirdo/ clingy girl because that's the last thing I want to be.

Worked night shift last night. The exhaustion and insufficient sleep and missing him is making me very very cranky and a bad company, considering my brother is in town. So unfair to my brother.

To release some bit of crankiness within, I don't care how overly mushy I am. I miss seeing him, miss being next to him, miss our actual face-to-face conversation (although I prefer to just listen to him talk and tell me all his hilarious work experiences) and miss his touch. And the last time I went back home for Christmas, I missed him terribly too, psychologically knowing that we were 1 1/2 hours apart and not in the same town. OMG, I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. THIS IS MAKING ME EVEN MORE CRANKY. URGHhhh...but still missing him nonetheless. *forlorn look*


TGIL= The Guy I Like

A compassionate patient

I have this patient who was so worried for my colleagues' and my young adulthood. She asked me "Doctor, you all semua nampak macam teenagers. You all ada tak masa untuk pergi tengok wayang and shopping. Mak cik risau la..."

Another time, I wanted to take her blood in the evening.

Me: Mak cik, nak ambil darah eh..

Patient: Boleh doktor, boleh. Asalkan doktor boleh duduk. Mak cik tengok kamu ni always on your toes,  

            tak pernah duduk. 

(Me taking her blood while standing.)

Patient: Doktor, duduk lah cepat...At least you dapat duduk sekejap.

As she was a chronic patient, she was in the ward for quite some time and witnessed us slogging like a bull.

Another time, she commented "Doktor, saya rasa kalau mak kamu tengok kamu macam ini, mesti dia sedih dan susah hati."

She frequently asked me whether have I eaten. Initially I find her talkative and demanding. But towards the end, her compassion touched me. And her abrupt comments daily made me smile in the midst of my stress.

I don't think I'll have wrinkles later in life because I am sure that my face is so contorted and tense from all the stress that I am feeling almost every day that my skin will have no chance to sag. LOL. I used to think that my face is unreadable and that I can hide my feelings quite well. But lately I noticed that I have been quite readable. There were several times that the people around me noticed and commented that I look so stressed or tired etc etc and at those times, they were spot on correct.

These few days have been crazy. There seem to be a huge surge in the number of females getting sick. My ward is so bloody full, like crazy full. Ladies, please take care of yourselves! We don't want to out-win the guys in this aspect.

I really saved a life this time

The new year's eve of 2013-  31.12.12 - will always be a memorable day for me.

I was working night shift on that day. And I saved a life. Literally. I mean I am a doctor. Technically my job is to save lives, or so they tell me. But the way I see, it's more like preventing people from dying everyday. Patients with acute coronary syndrome, we start them on S/C Fondaparinux etc etc...it treats and prevents them from another attack, and thus preventing their death and complications. 

But on 31.12.12....Oh wait, it happened at 5ish am, so it was already 1.1.2013. Hmm... Well, a memorable New Year's Day then. My colleague and I were clerking a new case that came in at about 0430. The staff nurse was measuring the blood pressure of the patient right next to us and found the patient unresponsive. I attended immediately and found absent pulse. Started CPR stat. Well, of all the resuscitations that I have done in medical so far, 7 out of 10 were patients with DIL NAR (technically no CPR is done if it's NAR) And well, all of the patients that I have resuscitated so far in my 5 weeks of medical posting ended up LO, so much so that when I was resuscitating this patient, I was prepared for her demise. It's terrible I know, but an asystole patient or a patient that is almost gone really, really looks very dead...I sound very crude but it's true. They looked so dead that at the back of mind in the midst resuscitation, I was so certain that they would just pass on. 

And so my colleague and I were taking turns doing CPR while waiting for the MO. MO came, proceeded to the next step of resuscitation using drugs....and so on. Meanwhile the cardiac monitor was showing a flat line, SpO2 27%. And then after 15-20 minutes, PULSE. THERE WAS A PULSE. THE CARDIAC MONITOR WAS ALIVE AGAIN SHOWING REGULAR HEART BEAT, and I could still remember, the heart beat I saw was 126bpm. We stopped the CPR and the pulse remained and stayed strong. I didn't feel the impact of what I had done until after everything, my MO said to me,

"Thanks a lot for just now. Your CPR saved the patient's life." 

And these words kept repeating itself in my mind the whole day. I literally, really brought a patient back from the dead, brought a patient back to life! My CPR works! My resuscitation works! My judgement and decision while waiting for the MO were correct and accurate! I was in awe! Wow, CPR actually works?!!!

I was so inspired, so motivated, so touched.

My hope is renewed. My faith in CPR is renewed. I will not merely do resuscitation for the sake of resuscitating. From now on, I will be resuscitating my patients with a renewed vigour, with a fighting spirit. I will fight for my patients because who else can they trust to fight for them, if not me?!

Thank you God for this great lesson. Thank you Dr H for your encouragement. To that patient, and all my patients, Thank you because I have learned and am still learning so much from you, through you.


*DIL= Death in line
*NAR= Not for active resuscitation