Heartache and Happiness

It is difficult for me to go home. I could imagine the sight of my dad lying on the floor watching tv, sitting on the couch surfing on his phone. I almost expect to hear the sound of his car and him coming through the gate. He seemed to be everywhere in the house and yet he is not. And that makes his absence felt so much more, almost palpable. 

It is hard for me to meet and be with my family too. Being together, all four of us now feels incomplete without my dad. Seeing my mum and my brothers reminds me even more of his absence.

I don't know if is it only me that have such a weird reaction. Bereaved family members should usually find consolation in each other, or that is what I imagine should be. 

I am not too keen on spending Christmas at home this year because going for dinner, being at home, going to Christmas Eve mass just wouldn't feel the same and would be just too much for me. 

I have planned to spend Christmas in Melaka with my family. I have asked the bf to come along. I imagine that we would have a good time. And having him along would be a great help. When I see my family and the reminder of my dad s absence threatens to engulf me, the bf's presence would be like a lifeline for me to hold on to. 

But... He just told me he can't make it as he has stuff to do with his mum on that particular day, Christmas Eve. My first selfish and bratty thought was Why?! Of all the days in a year, why they do have to have prayers on Christmas Eve?! And we have decided to change our anniversary to Dec 25. That makes me want to spend Christmas with him even more.

Perhaps I am too greedy. For wanting too much. To have the best of both worlds. My family and Him. 

Having him in my life is a great source of happiness, comfort and joy to me. But I supposed in a relationship, with the happiness that comes along, sometimes you also have to bear with the aches and disappointment. The disappointment when a date couldn't take place, when promises/ expectation cannot be fulfilled, the ache of missing each other when you couldn't get to see each other for many days, the worries you have for each other. 

I can be very vocal and loud and straightforward. But I am neither of those when it comes to expressing my feelings. So far I usually just swallow my disappointment and aches and just try to rise above the occasion. To think and reason. That he doesn't want things to turn out that particular way either. I wonder if this is the right way to act and react. Perhaps the right thing to do would be to express my feelings to him. I don't know. I will just have to wait and see and use my own trial- and- error attempts.