I miss being a junior. I miss having seniors to look up to, although I still have one batch of seniors and although I don't really look up to them. I just miss being the youngest. It seems so yesterday that I just entered med school and having the seniors look at us down their nose wondering where these little kids come from and why they have face paint smeared on their face just for an annual futsal meet. Now, I am the senior looking at the juniors (but not down my nose) with mixed emotions of feeling old, aged and nostalgic. Where have my younger days gone to? Okay, I'm probably too young to say things like this, but that was how I felt when I look at the young, active, agile and enthusiastic juniors today during the futsal match.
We used to be able to go for a celebration after futsal, regardless of whether we have won or lost. But now, I found myself thinking about my case reports and seminar presentation and that countless chapters not read yet in between my futsal matches and that I was subconsciously rushing back to my assignments. I miss those carefree days. I miss playing ping pong every evening in the hall with my Ping Pong Club gang and going out for dinner or movie after that. If not ping pong, it would be basketball or tennis or simply jogging in the sports complex. The only time now that I allow myself to indulge in some forms of relaxation is when I am at the brink of a stress-breakdown. That's when I'll let myself go for a swim or a movie.
I wonder if I am being too hard on myself. Or that this is normal for every medical student. When people used to tell me that medicine is tough, I didn't really feel it. I feel it now. Maybe I have lost my balance a little at the moment and I just need to get back in step. Whatever it is, I hope that I will survive with no long-term collateral damage and that it will all be worthwhile in the end.
I will try to enter a happy account in the next blog. :( >>>>>>> :)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop doing
I AM SO TIRED. I think I overestimated my stamina. I told Nadiah before we entered paeds that we have to remind ourselves that this posting is a marathon, not a sprint. It's either I ran too fast or I ran slowly but my stamina is just too lousy.
Wish I can carry and cuddle the babies and kids in the ward. But I can't because they are either too sick or that me and my lab coat are too riddled with microorganisms that can be passed on to them.
I just have a very complicated thought and argument within my mind about how people's actions do not always reflect their intention or their personality or what they are actually thinking. But I am too tired to blog it down.
Aaah..what the heck. I am going to eat and then sleep.
I miss Melissa, Denise, Michele, Alicia and Ley Lynn. I miss you guys :(
Wish I can carry and cuddle the babies and kids in the ward. But I can't because they are either too sick or that me and my lab coat are too riddled with microorganisms that can be passed on to them.
I just have a very complicated thought and argument within my mind about how people's actions do not always reflect their intention or their personality or what they are actually thinking. But I am too tired to blog it down.
Aaah..what the heck. I am going to eat and then sleep.
I miss Melissa, Denise, Michele, Alicia and Ley Lynn. I miss you guys :(
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A tug on the kite string
I was praying very desperately that day when I was on my way to get my results. As usual, I apologized to God for not praying harder before that. Funny how I didn't apologize for not studying harder. When I arrived at the office, I tried to empty my emotions tank and numb myself so that I wouldn't feel the disappointment should my results turn out to be disappointing. Then I tried to rationalize (yes, even before I got my results) to ease the impending impact on my emotions. Then I tried to make myself nonchalant and forced myself not to care. See, how protective I am of my emotional health?
Anyway, here's a happy ending to my blog. My results could not have been better. Not perfect, but it's what I prayed for. THANK YOU GOD FOR THE 25TH TIME!
My mum called me a few minutes earlier to tell me a good news and how her prayer has been answered. She, of course, was also proclaiming God's awesomeness. For as long as I can remember, my mum would lay hands and pray for me before every of my tests and exams. When I left home, I continue to ask her to remember me in her prayers. I would text her on the morning of my exams to ask her to pray for me. Sometimes, she would even fast for me. So, there's no doubt at all that my results are largely possible due to my mum's prayers. Funny again, that I never thought to attribute them to my efforts and hardwork. I don't know why but maybe because I think exams are governed by so many external factors that are beyond my control. For instance, my health on that day, my mood, concentration, internal peace/ nervousness, the table and chair which I use, my wisdom in putting down the answers, the decisions which I make for the MCQs paper, the lecturers which mark my paper or my viva or clinical cases etc etc. These factors, although not as important as the knowledge I must have in my head during exams, have a direct and significant influence on the outcome of my exams.
The aunties in my mum's prayer group were praising her for always saying the most beautiful prayer for me. I know that, MUM because I feel and experience your prayers for me constantly, everyday through God's blessings. Those blessings couldn't have come from my prayers, so mediocre, if said next to yours. So if you ask me if prayers work, I would say YES, MOST DEFINITELY, but more so, my mum's over mine.
I really like what Martin Jalleh, a renowned Catholic full-time speaker, once told us during a youth camp. He said God's presence is like a kite. When your kite has flown so high that you can't see it, how do you know if it's still there? You pull on the string gently and when you feel a tug, that's when you know your kite is still there. You can't see it but you feel it.
Anyway, here's a happy ending to my blog. My results could not have been better. Not perfect, but it's what I prayed for. THANK YOU GOD FOR THE 25TH TIME!
My mum called me a few minutes earlier to tell me a good news and how her prayer has been answered. She, of course, was also proclaiming God's awesomeness. For as long as I can remember, my mum would lay hands and pray for me before every of my tests and exams. When I left home, I continue to ask her to remember me in her prayers. I would text her on the morning of my exams to ask her to pray for me. Sometimes, she would even fast for me. So, there's no doubt at all that my results are largely possible due to my mum's prayers. Funny again, that I never thought to attribute them to my efforts and hardwork. I don't know why but maybe because I think exams are governed by so many external factors that are beyond my control. For instance, my health on that day, my mood, concentration, internal peace/ nervousness, the table and chair which I use, my wisdom in putting down the answers, the decisions which I make for the MCQs paper, the lecturers which mark my paper or my viva or clinical cases etc etc. These factors, although not as important as the knowledge I must have in my head during exams, have a direct and significant influence on the outcome of my exams.
The aunties in my mum's prayer group were praising her for always saying the most beautiful prayer for me. I know that, MUM because I feel and experience your prayers for me constantly, everyday through God's blessings. Those blessings couldn't have come from my prayers, so mediocre, if said next to yours. So if you ask me if prayers work, I would say YES, MOST DEFINITELY, but more so, my mum's over mine.
I really like what Martin Jalleh, a renowned Catholic full-time speaker, once told us during a youth camp. He said God's presence is like a kite. When your kite has flown so high that you can't see it, how do you know if it's still there? You pull on the string gently and when you feel a tug, that's when you know your kite is still there. You can't see it but you feel it.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Total bummer
I wanted to get that pair of grey jazz shoes at Vincci today. I have had a crush on them for about 2 weeks, since the first time I laid my eyes on them when I came back to Kudat for the weekend. BUT, they didn't have my size anymore, not even in the other 2 Vincci branches in KK. Yes, I made them call the other branches. I was tempted to buy that pair, which were 1 size too big for me. Let's see if I'm still thinking about them tomorrow.
Then, I moved on to find a blouse, something nice and ladylike, that is not a T-shirt. I was even ready to splurge on it. Believe it or not, I couldn't find one. I told Yuh Ing that I really didn't want to spend on any more formal clothes. Formal clothes are the easiest to buy nowadays. And the odds of you (or rather, me) looking good in formal clothes are definitely higher than the other types of clothes. I mean how good do you want to look in formal clothes, which you wear to class consisting of 12 people, or to the hospital during which your clothes will be largely concealed by the lab coat?
Anyway, I ended up buying formal clothes again. A blouse (but it's formal!!) and a pair of slacks. Hopefully, they will fill me with some enthusiasm for the beginning of my Paeds posting on Monday.
On a totally different note, I found out that I'm not so healthy after all. The worsening and continuous shoulder and back pain were part of a more serious (relatively more serious, but not very serious, I HOPE) underlying pathology. Sigh...I don't know if I'm saddened or depressed by the news. It's just...I don't feel good and happy about it. It's like constantly tugging at my heart, more specifically, my mood. Maybe I ought to go get that pair of shoes after all, to cheer myself up. The formal clothes obviously didn't do the job. It's not like I can go swimming to take my mind off things like I used too, now that I'll be going to Paeds. I should probably find a new distraction.
Sigh...Oh that was a real sigh. I was really sighing at that moment.
Then, I moved on to find a blouse, something nice and ladylike, that is not a T-shirt. I was even ready to splurge on it. Believe it or not, I couldn't find one. I told Yuh Ing that I really didn't want to spend on any more formal clothes. Formal clothes are the easiest to buy nowadays. And the odds of you (or rather, me) looking good in formal clothes are definitely higher than the other types of clothes. I mean how good do you want to look in formal clothes, which you wear to class consisting of 12 people, or to the hospital during which your clothes will be largely concealed by the lab coat?
Anyway, I ended up buying formal clothes again. A blouse (but it's formal!!) and a pair of slacks. Hopefully, they will fill me with some enthusiasm for the beginning of my Paeds posting on Monday.
On a totally different note, I found out that I'm not so healthy after all. The worsening and continuous shoulder and back pain were part of a more serious (relatively more serious, but not very serious, I HOPE) underlying pathology. Sigh...I don't know if I'm saddened or depressed by the news. It's just...I don't feel good and happy about it. It's like constantly tugging at my heart, more specifically, my mood. Maybe I ought to go get that pair of shoes after all, to cheer myself up. The formal clothes obviously didn't do the job. It's not like I can go swimming to take my mind off things like I used too, now that I'll be going to Paeds. I should probably find a new distraction.
Sigh...Oh that was a real sigh. I was really sighing at that moment.
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