I feel it now

I miss being a junior. I miss having seniors to look up to, although I still have one batch of seniors and although I don't really look up to them. I just miss being the youngest. It seems so yesterday that I just entered med school and having the seniors look at us down their nose wondering where these little kids come from and why they have face paint smeared on their face just for an annual futsal meet. Now, I am the senior looking at the juniors (but not down my nose) with mixed emotions of feeling old, aged and nostalgic. Where have my younger days gone to? Okay, I'm probably too young to say things like this, but that was how I felt when I look at the young, active, agile and enthusiastic juniors today during the futsal match.

We used to be able to go for a celebration after futsal, regardless of whether we have won or lost. But now, I found myself thinking about my case reports and seminar presentation and that countless chapters not read yet in between my futsal matches and that I was subconsciously rushing back to my assignments. I miss those carefree days. I miss playing ping pong every evening in the hall with my Ping Pong Club gang and going out for dinner or movie after that. If not ping pong, it would be basketball or tennis or simply jogging in the sports complex. The only time now that I allow myself to indulge in some forms of relaxation is when I am at the brink of a stress-breakdown. That's when I'll let myself go for a swim or a movie.

I wonder if I am being too hard on myself. Or that this is normal for every medical student. When people used to tell me that medicine is tough, I didn't really feel it. I feel it now. Maybe I have lost my balance a little at the moment and I just need to get back in step. Whatever it is, I hope that I will survive with no long-term collateral damage and that it will all be worthwhile in the end.

I will try to enter a happy account in the next blog. :(     >>>>>>>     :)