Smiling stupidly

I am not used to penning down happy thoughts here because happy, pleasant feelings are not disturbing and eating you from the inside. Since starting this blog, it has really been a very effective outlet for me. I find that whatever shit feelings that I may be having sometimes seem to evaporate once I let them out here.

You know the commonly-used saying "Got up from the wrong side of the bed" when everything seems to go wrong on that day? Well, I definitely GOT UP FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED TODAY. Everything just seemed to go right. (PRAISE GOD!)

Well, I knew nothing can dampen my spirits today when I bumped into this doctor, whom I have been having a crush on since like forever. Hahahaha...Go ahead and laugh. Oh well, he's just so cute. Don't worry, it's just a little crush, which I allow myself to have so that once in a while, I can smile stupidly like this. Not only did I saw him, we also exchanged a few words as well... happy sigh..

Okay, back to reality...

Well, the computer guy managed to rectify whatever was corrupted with my laptop and hence, there was no need to reformat my laptop. And he charged me RM 20 which was cheaper than what I had saved up for. Hurray number 2!

Then I had my favourite M&Ms...I'm kinda having a thing for M&Ms recently.

And I finally got my new car sticker. Nothing much to be hurray-ed about but oh well, I take joy in the little things in life and when something goes smoothly according to plan. No glitches and inconveniences.

I also found out about my results, which turned out better than I've expected, although I was scared stiff in that few seconds when that someone, kononnya, tried to keep me in suspense. I have to remind her that I'm sitting right next to the window and she and everyone for that matter, should not scare me unnecessarily.

Last but not least, I'm still in the middle, although approaching the end, of my holidays. Nothing is more perfect than curling up in bed with a novel or a movie the whole day, without a care in the world.

Happy sigh....stupid smile, still...

Kill me

I have been hearing so many, and I mean so many many tales about how ridiculous and idiotic some of the juniors are. But this is the last straw. The moment I saw the souvenirs, I nearly fainted, have an asthmatic attack despite the fact that I don't have asthma and stroke all at the same time. You bought white, porcelain little angels as prizes for an Adolescent Workshop, where there will be 300 secondary school students from all over Sabah attending, out of which there will be 3 winners selected? WHITE LITTLE ANGELS DECORATION?!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! What if the winners are Muslims? What if they are guys? How are those appropriate? INAPPROPRIATE is the word. INAPPROPRIATE may be a simple, unimpressive word and does not qualify to describe what I was actually thinking and feeling, but try thinking wearing a bikini to a mosque inappropriate, ranting about how nice pork tastes in front of Nik Aziz and a whole bunch of ustaz inappropriate, saying, in front of a forensics doctor, that it's an absolute waste of time and pointless to do an autopsy when those people are already dead inappropriate. You get the picture? Oh my gawd! I nearly jumped down through my window.
The thing is 'Souvenirs' is perhaps, the easiest department to be in, a task so easy that it is considered 100% done as soon as it was assigned from Day `1, something which would be the last thing on any leader's mind when he first delegated that task. And this is why I was so appalled, that even getting souvenirs could go this wrong when it is almost 100%-wrong proof.

Perhaps, I'm an over-reacting, melodramatic bitch.

But the truth is, I'm not. So, that spells out the rest.

A Mother's Silent Prayer

I heard this song in church today. The title of the song captured my attention as much as its song later on. It made me thought of mom, who prays so much for me, more than I pray for myself and worst of all, more than I pray for her. My mother's prayer is so much stronger than mine. Whenever she prays for me, I know that things will be alright and my worries, fears and anxiety will immediately be replaced with that of peace, faith and serenity. And because of that, I trust my mother's prayer for me more than I trust my own. My mom is just one-of-a-kind and I can only aspire to be half like her.


"A Mother's Silent Prayer"

She calls upon the Father of creation
With every act of kindness for our sake
She seeks his grace to guard and guide her children
To raise us up in righteousness and strengthen us in faith

Chorus:
And as each labor of her love becomes an offering
Gifts upon the altar of her home
He hears her silent prayer and labors with her there
To mold our hearts; to shape our very souls

Every selfless deed is her petition
That bears aloft a fervent wordless plea
And like a prayer ascending into heaven
Every quiet sacrifice entreats him silently

(Repeat Chorus)
Each word of hope or council
Each sorrow that she shares
Each comfort that she offers
Is a mother's silent prayer

Of high estate or poor and lowly station
'mid mortal praise or by the world unknown
Every work of motherhood's devotion
Rises up to plead for her before the Father's throne


http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=698323&q=Hi

I'm a new man

I am never the kind that can listen to music while I'm studying. In order to really appreciate a song, its lyrics and all, I have to do nothing except listen to that song intently. Occasionally when I come across a song that makes me do that, stop everything and just concentrate on it, I'm always caught by how powerful music is. Other than a picture who is said to speak a thousand words, I think songs or music is just as powerful. The feelings poured out, the lyrics which could never have had the same effect if being put into a literature and the melody which embraces and ties up everything and gives it a beautiful harmony. Everything is just perfect. Well, everything has to be deemed so-called perfect before somebody releases a piece of music, although perfection is a subjective thing, as beauty is. That's besides the point.

I was listening to a song on a friend's blog. And that song is a perfect description of how she is feeling that it almost made me cry. Of course, before that, I was reading her blog and she has just lost a loved one. Sigh...

On another note, not that I'm proud but I both hate and love it when I turn right. Sometimes when I'm in a more obliging mood, I would give in to people's suggestion despite thinking that it's a bad idea. Either because I'm too lazy to argue and prove my point at that moment or I don't know how to convince them that my idea is good, but I feel a sense of satisfaction and sometimes a grudge? when I turn out to be right. I would be thinking (not saying) "Ah..who ask you not to listen to me?" And during those times when my suggestion was not used, every comment about it later being a bad idea, turned out to be exactly what I had foreseen. Hahaha...I'm so full of myself.

Of course, there are more times when I turn out to be wrong. I notice that I usually turn out to be wrong when it comes to an opinion about people. Something like a bias or prejudice. I'm constantly surprised by how people are not what I think they are. Like during the first day of ENT, I met this really dark man in the ward, whom I thought was a patient's relative or some technician. BOY WAS I WRONG! He turned out to be the nicest, funniest, kindest specialist, who is also very willing and enthusiastic in teaching us. And also there's this time when I was so cynical and thought that a friend was trying to take advantage of some of us. It turned out he was just forgetful and confused about a certain thing, which led him to do what he did.

And that was when I decided to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to be non-judgmental and really, just see the good in everyone. I'm a new person :)

Save the books

Books should be treated with care, love and respect. I mean it's BOOKS we're talking about here!!! Come on... the source of knowledge, creativity, entertainment and the labour of some great people out there, not to mention the sacrifice of hundreds or perhaps, thousands of trees to produce that one book.

I don't know what the university librarians are doing. The books in the medical section are getting from bad to worse each time I go, as in the arrangements of the books. Psychiatry books are in the Anaesthesia section, Physiology book in the O&G section...and the books are all topsy turvy such that they cause the thinner and more fragile books to be crushed by the heavier books. It's a total chaos! It literally hurts me to see those books being 'trampled' on by each other, to see the cover all mashed up. I couldn't help but arrange some of the books as I browse through the shelves and at the same time, trying to save those squashed books and putting back some books to their rightful sections.

Maybe the university should adopt the practice of the overseas universities. Hire students as part-time librarians. I would gladly sign up for that, even as a volunteer. Or just hire more librarians part time or full-time to arrange the books nicely in a 'respectful' manner.

Aih...the poor poor books. I can almost hear their cries "Save me, save me...Ouch, ouch, it's so heavy. Help! Help!"

Unwinding

The little things in life that makes me happy- swimming. Nothing can make me feel better than to go for a swim after a day spent cramming all the medical facts into my brain. I actually enjoy my swim better if I go alone. Oh well, I need my private space. Not convincing. Okay, fine. I'm a loner.

The pool was awfully dirty today...could see the murky water before I went in, even without my specs. Just as I expected, I couldn't see through the supposed-to-be-transparent water as I swam. I actually felt kinda afraid not being able to see clearly in the water...made me feel insecure. Ah, finally, I just decided to close my eyes when my head was was in the water, opening them only when I surfaced in between.

I have no idea why I don't feel breathless when I swim, unlike when I go running. I think I don't swim hard or fast enough. It makes me feel like I don't get to train my stamina. At least when I go running, I can feel the built up of lactic acid through the aching muscles, the panting as I go into oxygen debt, the tachycardia and my pumping heart. At least I know I'm building up my stamina. But I never feel any of these things when I swim. Yes, swimming burns more calories but I'm barely panting or tachycardic. There must be something wrong. I should probably master my freestyle quickly and switch to it. Freestyle's more demanding. Breaststroke apparently is the slowest of all the other competitive swimming styles.

I have the misfortune of having to deal with one of the juniors today. O.M.G. I didn't believe when N told me how useless she is. (Pardon me, this is supposed to be my outlet so I'm allowed to use as harsh a word as I like.) I had to text her as N's phone has some problems. The questions she asked me...ZOMG...totally reflects her lack of initiative, her laziness, inefficiency and brainlessness. Aih... And I heard she even asked N how to write that letter. For God's sake, didn't she learn how to write Surat rasmi or Formal letter in primary school? Or was that in secondary school? Whatever. Gunalah otak sikit sebelum tanya yang bukan-bukan. We might as well just do her job for her. And to think she even tried to boycott the whole project. Come to think of it, she wouldn't be able to pull through that stint anyway.

Well, I'm more tolerant these days. So I might be able to get through the whole project without raising my voice. Worse comes to worse, I'll just revert to sarcasm. That goes better with a normal tone of voice.

Oh, I got my appetite back. I was suffering from an idiopathic loss of appetite for the last 2 months where nothing seems to be appetizing to me. But, recently, I can feel the appetite coming back. Wonder if that's a good thing... My rationalizing mechanism is trying to convince me that it's a good thing. Oh well, we'll see.

A Bud & An Ache

It wasn’t easy or simple, contrary to what you think. How can it be unless I’m a human devoid of feelings?

Though I’ve only known you for a ridiculously short amount of time, that doesn’t make it any easier. I thought so too that I would have the sense and rationality, which I had mentally prepared myself with, to deal with any consequences. But, there were only 2 consequences which I had prepared for. And this isn’t one of them.

Tell me what should be the rational thing to feel if say, one day, your father tells you that he’s not your father. The difficult part is not hating him. The difficult part, instead, is not being able to hate your father because well, you love him. And you don’t want to disappoint him because to some extent, he has so much trust and confidence in you that you will not turn your back on him when he tells you the truth.

I like you because well, you’re you. I hate you because the very qualities that make me attracted to you turn out to be the very reasons why I can’t like you the way I want. I respect you because you’re brave and you’re not afraid to be who you are. The moment you told me that, an invisible bond has been created so how can I break that bond when at the same time, I treasure that bond so very much?

I thought that God must be as bored as me, hence, decided to play a trick on a helpless human like me. But then again, I decided that, yes, my defense mechanism, the rationalization type, decided to rationalize. Perhaps, this is not a trick. This is a blessing, having you in my life this way, though not the way I wanted. Perhaps, this is the only way how our relationship is going to last, longer than the other fragile type. And if you haven’t told me, there wouldn’t have been a beginning to us. You didn’t take the easier path yourself, instead you took the harder path, by telling me. That night was supposed to be a closure because I had noticed the hint and I was prepared to move on after that night. Boy, was I wrong, both about the hint and about the closure. It was a beginning instead, a beginning of something new and special and what my gut feeling tells me, as something good. And so, I will think of you now, one last time, as how I initially wanted you to be. From this moment on, I will then like or love you the correct way, how it’s supposed to be, as a good friend, whom you have deemed worthy right from the start.