A Bud & An Ache

It wasn’t easy or simple, contrary to what you think. How can it be unless I’m a human devoid of feelings?

Though I’ve only known you for a ridiculously short amount of time, that doesn’t make it any easier. I thought so too that I would have the sense and rationality, which I had mentally prepared myself with, to deal with any consequences. But, there were only 2 consequences which I had prepared for. And this isn’t one of them.

Tell me what should be the rational thing to feel if say, one day, your father tells you that he’s not your father. The difficult part is not hating him. The difficult part, instead, is not being able to hate your father because well, you love him. And you don’t want to disappoint him because to some extent, he has so much trust and confidence in you that you will not turn your back on him when he tells you the truth.

I like you because well, you’re you. I hate you because the very qualities that make me attracted to you turn out to be the very reasons why I can’t like you the way I want. I respect you because you’re brave and you’re not afraid to be who you are. The moment you told me that, an invisible bond has been created so how can I break that bond when at the same time, I treasure that bond so very much?

I thought that God must be as bored as me, hence, decided to play a trick on a helpless human like me. But then again, I decided that, yes, my defense mechanism, the rationalization type, decided to rationalize. Perhaps, this is not a trick. This is a blessing, having you in my life this way, though not the way I wanted. Perhaps, this is the only way how our relationship is going to last, longer than the other fragile type. And if you haven’t told me, there wouldn’t have been a beginning to us. You didn’t take the easier path yourself, instead you took the harder path, by telling me. That night was supposed to be a closure because I had noticed the hint and I was prepared to move on after that night. Boy, was I wrong, both about the hint and about the closure. It was a beginning instead, a beginning of something new and special and what my gut feeling tells me, as something good. And so, I will think of you now, one last time, as how I initially wanted you to be. From this moment on, I will then like or love you the correct way, how it’s supposed to be, as a good friend, whom you have deemed worthy right from the start.