LIVE !

We tend to take our lives for granted. When we hear of other people's passing, though there's the feeling of loss and sadness, we feel kinda 'detached'. As in "Oh, it's OTHER people, not me." As if THAT would never happen to us. Or when we hear of our mother's friend's father-in-law being diagnosed with cancer, again we feel a sense of...how should I put it....a sense of self-centredness? Like "Oh, it's OTHER people, not me, not my family." And we sympathize. Sympathizing itself is feeling sorry for someone without really feeling for them, without trying to put yourself in their shoes and really FEEL for them, because that would be empathizing. So, sympathizing is kinda like saying "Oh, it's too bad that this happens to you and I know it feels terrible BUT sorry, I don't want to know the extent of how terrible you feel and I don't want to experience what you are feeling for myself." Not that sympathizing is a bad thing and practically, for the preservation of our own mental health, we really cannot afford to empathize all the time.

Why do I say we tend to take our lives for granted? Because it never really occurs to us that we, ourselves may be facing death like say, tomorrow? Okay, this is such a 'Suai' and 'Choy' thing to talk about. But my point is, we don't appreciate life enough. We don't live our life to the fullest. We don't love enough. We don't tell the people we love 'I love you', thinking that we have all the time in the world. We don't forgive and forget readily enough. We don't say sorry enough, preferring to bear the grudges in us till God knows when. We don't repent sincerely enough thinking that we still have plenty of time to repent. We don't pray enough thinking that the time to face God is still so far away. We don't go out and do the outrageous things which we have put in our own 'List of Things To Do Before I Die" etc etc.

If a psychiatrist sees what I'm writing, I would most likely be diagnosed with depression. The death anniversary of somebody close to my heart is coming up. It's almost the end of the year. And because I used to think that I still have plenty of time with him, I hold back what I wanted to say. I couldn't bring myself to tear away my pride to apologize to him for disappointing him, for not expressing myself better and telling him how much he has influenced my life. That will always be my life's greatest regret.

And so, I told myself since then that I WILL and I SHALL never again hold back the things I want to say and do. I will try to apologize more readily. Although, being a total Asian means I will always have difficulty telling my parents I love them so very much in person, I will try to love them in my way and express it more openly to them. I will try to be more magnanimous and overlook the little things that usually annoys me. I will try to be more adventurous. I will try to see the good side of people more often. I will try to pray more. I will unabashedly ask a guy out on a date. And I will try to summon that courage to go get that tattoo which I've always wanted to get. I will laugh, smile, hug and love more freely.

I have recently done something unconventional. Although it's embarrassing like hell, but when I think of how unpredictable and short life is, like what if I die tomorrow, I realized, I would rather live with the possible humiliation then the definite regret if I hadn't done it.

I should probably talk to a psychiatrist or steal some antidepressants. :)