Sunday, December 23, 2012

Falling into routine

I'm falling into the routine as a houseman in medical. As expected, I had some trouble adjusting in the first week. The first week when I was tagging was like hell on earth. The long hours, the never ever ending tasks even when I was working from 5ish am to 11pm.

Towards my second week, I started to speed up and got used to the pace. No longer do I waste my time with self-pity, instead I just work work and work with the aim to finish my job and go back on time. Yes, my daily aim, OUR DAILY AIM, THE DAILY AIM of every HO in medical is to be able to go back on time. And on the rare occasions that I get to go back on time, I would always be quite hesitant and start thinking of any task which I may have missed or forgotten. 

I am very blessed. I work in a ward where my specialist and MO are great. They are nice and chilled. So it makes work somewhat easier in a way. And we have a surge of HO in medical now so we have enough army to fight the battle everyday. My colleagues are great and competent too.

Everything is working out at the moment. 

And of course, TGIL is making me smile for no reason everyday. I am happy. 


*TGIL= The Guy I Like  *sheepish grin*

Monday, November 26, 2012

Distressed but smiling

In medical now.

Busy as hell.

Life sucks.

Shed a few tears yesterday.

Came back and prayed like mad.

Night shift was much better. I felt much better.

Went for a second date today. Laughed so hard at a few hilarious stories.

Going to bed with a smile. 


Though I do not know the outcome, I am grateful for the moment, at the moment. For the many conversations with you. For the handphone beeps that signaled your daily messages. Each of this beep always makes me smile, even in moments of distress while at work, especially when I need to feel a slight inclination to smile to dispel some of my distress. And it always works. I thank God for your current presence in my life. And I hope and pray we will have a good outcome :)

Monday, November 5, 2012

My heart wept

We have an abandoned baby today. He was found in a tupperware and abandoned in a public toilet.

My heart wept for him.

He is such a beautiful baby, so round and handsome...really a handsome beautiful baby boy with such beautiful eyes complete with the double eye lids. And a dimple. Yes, you guessed right. I have been cuddling him for 15-20 minutes, just staring at him, mesmerized by his innocence, beauty and cuteness.

HOW...JUST HOW....TELL ME HOW....HOW CAN ANYONE ABANDON SUCH A BABY because I can't bear to put him down myself. If there hadn't been a new case for me to clerk, I would have just held on to him for a full one hour until I had to knock off from work.

How can anyone abandon their own baby, for that matter, cute or not?! They are your own flesh and blood, your cells and genes, YOU make them and bring them to this cruel place we call Earth. Instead of protecting them from the harshness and cruelties of life, you throw them to the wild, defenseless and leave them to fend for themselves. It is no better than murdering your own children.

I feel so helpless. What can I do to help this baby? What can I do to help all the abandoned babies out there? What can I do to prevent or reduce the cases of abandoned babies? I hope I can do something, I wish I can do something. I vow that I will do something probably not now, but in the future, when I am in the position of more power/ respect/ status. Or anyone has any suggestion of anything that I can do now?

Arrghh...it's frustrating and saddening at the same time!


Sunday, October 28, 2012

The crush

I was all fine and ready to get over the crush. After all I have 3 more weeks left before I transfer to a new department and it's sayonara to him. Everything is all planned out in my mind-  Move on. Forget him. It's just a crush. It's too short a time to be called..ehem..Lov...Nah... There's nothing time cannot heal or change. There will always be someone to crush on later so that at least, going to work may be fun.

Until.... that fateful night....

When I was offered a glimmer of hope. 

By a third party.

Who told me that....

HE is into me as well.

"WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!" I said. 
 Nah, do you think I'm nuts?! Of course I didn't say that. 

To put it simply, I may have somehow passed the message back and hinted that the feeling was mutual, of course in the hope that HE might get the message.

And days passed. Nothing. I would be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed. It's either the third party was lying or that The Crush is doing a pretty darn good job at hiding his feelings. I mean you would know when a guy likes you. You would KINDA know. BUT, I don't sense a thing at all from him. In fact, from day 1, I have always thought that it was one-sided (from my side of course) because I have not an inkling feeling at all, not at all, that I was being liked by him.

I think it would be somewhat a tragedy...(haha...I'm so dramatic)... I mean it would be such a waste if  nothing happens. It's such a rare event that two people can happen to like each other at the same time (and place). It would really be a tragedy when these two people who like each other are both too lazy or shy or cowardly to do anything about it and just let this special feeling be a bygone.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Bright-eyed

I think I may, kinda, quite like someone at the moment. It is a nice feeling at first. It reminds me that my 'heart' still works. But over time, I think it can be quite a bother. It's a nice feeling when I go to work and see him. But then, I don't feel too good when he's in a different shift. So you see, why it's a bother.

I have watched the movie "He's just not that into you" few years back. It's actually quite a boring movie but the lesson of the movie is that Girls think too much and read too much into something trivial. So I am just not going to think like a girl and over-analyze stuff. But it's not a very good thing to not over-analyze stuff too because that can only mean one thing "He's just not that into me!" HAHA.. Let's just say we're on good terms as colleagues. But that's about it. This is me not over-analyzing. Now, if I were to over-analyze......don't get me started...

The thing is I'm not flirtatious nor am I very skillful in you know, triggering sparks or attracting attention my way. When I see other girls employing that skill, MY! What a skill!

Oh well, it's not Love. So I will survive. It makes me a a little more excited to go to work, like there's something to look forward to. Just a little. Otherwise, going to work will be like this all the time...



Now at least, sometimes, my eyes can be opened brightly, however much my small eyes will allow...




Fascinated

Night shift last night was good...The most relaxing night I have ever had since I entered Block A...All previous night shifts were so busy that I hardly had time to sit. So I went home fairly bright-eyed this morning.

I used to prefer toddlers over babies because I think toddlers can respond and communicate with you..Toddlers are more responsive. Babies just sleep and cry and don't respond to you. Being in neonate now, I am totally fascinated by babies. Like last night, there was this new admission and this baby had the weirdest cry that I couldn't stop laughing. Even the nurse commented to the baby "Pelik lah awak...nangis macam ni...sampai doktor (referring to me) geli hati, ketawa macam tu" Hahaha... I just couldn't describe how the baby cried but it was so weird and funny at the same time. 

How do babies, newborns/ neonates to be exact, fascinate me? Hmm....As I have mentioned, the very fact that such a small 'thing' could sustain and contain a LIFE is itself fascinating to me. Plus each of them is so different. They may be tiny but they definitely have a personality of their own. Each of their cry is different. They respond differently. I used to think babies look the same but now I am starting to distinguish them and I think each of them definitely looks different with their unique personality. One thing that never fails to make me smile is seeing a baby smile in his/her sleep. Sometimes I would be just minding my own business, busy taking blood or writing in the case note when I would look up and see this baby smiling in his/her sleep, occasionally with a dimpled smile. It just makes me S.M.I.L.E. Or that they will be sleeping nicely and then suddenly they will startle and start crying. That makes me laugh too. I am wondering what is actually going on in their minds. Can they think already? What are they thinking? Can they dream already? Are they having such a nice dream that it makes them smile in their sleep? I also like to make fun of them using the rooting reflex. When they are hungry and you start stroking the side of their mouth, their mouth will open like a goldfish and start searching out our finger to suck on. 

I complain sometimes of how tired I am, how difficult work is...bla bla bla...but when I think of these innocent little ones, these tiny beings that make me smile, these Heaven-sent gifts that are sometimes born prematurely or born with so many problems, these bundles of joy that sometimes turn out to bring more tears of sadness rather than joy, I stop complaining. How could I? 

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Dark clouds

As long as we are alive and living, it is inevitable that we have to associate, communicate and interact with others. Those who say that they can live alone without others are big fat liars. Individuals make up a family and families make up a community and communities make up a society and societies make up a nation or a country and well, nations and countries make up this world, this life here on earth.

And being an individual living on this earth, my happiness, sorrow, peace and feelings are influenced by my surroundings, other than myself. My family’s problems have the biggest impact on me, my friends’ wellbeing can sometimes affect my mood too, and what happens in my society, community and country may also shift my affect (psychiatric term..ehem..) and mood from one end of the spectrum to another.

And so, a colleague of mine was punished today and you all know in housemanship what being punished means. It was a silly silly and miniscule reason that is totally undeserving of the punishment being meted out. Not to mention she is one of the most competent, knowledgeable and hardworking HO I have ever met. It is so unfair. I know the world is an unfair place but one can still hope.

I feel  down too. Her eyes are all swollen from crying and I can see that the tears were still threatening to fall. Without any hint of condescension, I can say I totally understand her feelings because I was through the same hell not so long ago.

The thing is, during housemanship, nothing and I mean nothing is absolutely safe and stable.  Wherever you are, whatever you do, whoever you talk to, whatever that comes out of your mouth can be a reason for punishment. Just when you think you are beginning to ease into the routine and settle down, something happens that throw you so out of proportion that you are not even sure you can get back up. I am only a first poster, only 2 months into my job and probably should not be so proud as to sound like I know it all...the housemanship life. But then again, perhaps it is because I am so new that I have all the more right to say this because I am still fresh and still remember what life is like BEFORE I cross that bridge and enter into this entirely different world. My best friend just told me she got shouted at by her consultant in front of everyone in that goddamn ward. I can only sigh because this is the kind of life we have signed up for, at least for now.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Children

Neonates are scary...these fragile little things, especially the premature babies. Of the many times I hold their hands tightly to take blood, I am so afraid that I might break something. It's a miracle how these tiny forms (the premature babies) could sustain such a big thing as LIFE.

Working in Paeds has been really enjoyable. I don't understand how people can dislike kids. They are just lovely, adorable, irresistible-to-love beings. Okay some really spoiled kids can be really annoying. I see why they refer a newborn as A BUNDLE OF JOY. If only I am allowed to take photos in the neonate ward, I would have taken photos everyday. The little babies are wrapped so snugly into a bundle...and BUNDLE is really the word for it. When I am free, I would go around and just meraba them. I see now how a woman can give up her career after having children. I was holding a baby today and just staring at him sleep and he is not even my baby!
.
But it can be very crushing emotionally to see the very ill babies or babies born with syndromes or diseases. If I could ask God for one thing, I would ask God to spare all children any suffering or diseases..maybe short term disease is fine but just not long term sufferings and diseases.

When a colleague of mine broke news to a father that his baby has Down's syndrome, he just burst into tears. We see babies with Down's syndrome almost everyday. It's just such a common thing to me that it never occurred to me that it is a very wrenching news to the parents. The sufferings, sacrifices and strengths of parents with chronically-ill children are just immense and unimaginable to me. We greet them at least 3 times a day and ask them the same standard things "Baby active tak? Makan minum bagus? Kencing ada kurang? Berak macam biasa? and they could still find it in them to smile and answer our questions patiently (most of them, anyway) despite all that they are going through. A few mothers have already stayed for months in the hospital with their child and still remain cheerful and optimistic. How do they do it? They are heroes to me...these mothers.

They say parenthood changes you. I am sure it does. I hear your world begins to revolve around your child and your child will always come first above all else. I don't doubt this. If one day God chooses me to be a mother, I hope I can be a mother that is worthy of my child.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Love-hate relationship

Gosh I am so having a crush on Romeo Tan, the new-ish Spore actor. So handsome.... *silly girlish gush*
Gosh Eunice. Grow up, woman!
Well, old ladies have crushes too. So I can too. *adamant*



On a different note, I have this love-hate relationship with my job. Hate is an exaggeration, but you get my point. When I am working, I feel alive, excited, interested, enthusiastic and satisfied BUT I am also feeling nervous, scared, angry and humiliated sometimes. I am falling short of being a nervous wreck, what with all these feelings bombarding me all at the same time. But I am still in control right now. Still.

When I am not working or when it's a slow day at work, I feel so lethargic and bored. I hate sitting down and doing nothing. I hate not doing anything. And so I would yearn for a busy time when I have free time. Time seems to pass by faster when you are busy. Like I was off yesterday and by evening time, I can't wait to go back to work today. How sick am I!

Anyhow, I better not over-analyze myself. Like I was once told, I am too conscious of my emotions. Is that even possible? Too conscious of your emotions! Apparently so. So how do I inhibit this over- consciousness of my own feelings? Ahh...

Let's start my STOP THINKING.  OR.....

Think of Romeo Tan. *Goofy grin*

(Romeo is a celebrity blogger. I should remind myself never to comment on his blog. If he accidentally clicks on my comment and sees this post, it would be beyond humiliating.)


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I still love Paeds

The mortality meeting went well. God is great! I was cool, steady and calm. I presented the case well, with fluent English, appropriate pace and a matter-of-fact, emotionless tone. Everyone was looking at my face, expecting me to break down at any moment. I did not even feel close to crying or breaking down BECAUSE I felt God by my side. I could really feel his presence, accompanying me, standing by my side. It was just a miracle.

The specialists did not give me a hard time. They did not question me much. My HOD even defended me. All in all, everything went well.

A week later, I was doing night round with a specialist. He brought up the matter and I was somewhat irritated at first. In the end, he was actually quite encouraging. He told me that everyone will encounter this, it's just a matter of time. Some go through this later and in my case, I went through this earlier. And it might even be a good thing that I went through this earlier. He said maybe after this incident, I might be inspired to be a Paeds cardiologist. Kinda lol..  Another MO, who was present during the round as well, was also very encouraging. He told me that it's important not to let this hold me back.

THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. 

I am well aware that I am now quite infamous in the department. And because of this, I instinctively try harder to prove myself. To prove that I am a worthy doctor. That I am not a bad doctor. Because, unlike others, people now will tend to find fault with me, to find a mistake or a weakness that they can pinpoint at me. I don't blame them. After all, such a reaction is only human and doctors are mere humans.

I have come to terms with the fact, the fact that the incident has happened and that things happen for a reason. Again, I thank God for this challenge. In retrospect, it is a blessing that I went through this so soon and in this department where the bosses are nice. If this were to happen later and in another department, the consequences would have been more dreadful.

Time flies. I will be finishing my placement in Paeds medical and transferring to Neonate soon. Neonate ward will be even busier and more challenging.

Despite all that has happened, being a first poster in Paeds groping my way around in the dark, feeling clueless and like a complete idiot, despite this adjustment period, I am certain about three things:

 I LOVE MY JOB.
 I LOVE BEING A DOCTOR. 
I STILL LOVE PAEDS. 


Monday, August 13, 2012

The last post is an understatement compared to this

I thought I was in deep shit 2 weekends ago. Boy, that was peanuts compared to what happened 2 days ago. I was flung so suddenly and so violently into this pile of mess. 

I am a one-month-old houseman. I haven't got the chance to attend a mortality meeting before. I will be attending my first mortality meeting tomorrow and guess what? I will be presenting. I will be presenting in my first ever mortality meeting and need I add, in front of 2 heads of departments, all the consultants and specialists, all the MOs and all my colleagues. 

There is no word to describe what I am feeling and what I am about the feel tomorrow. Everything that I was feeling since 2 days ago will be amplified 10 times tomorrow. I just hope my knees will not give way from shaking too much or my fingers will not shake so much that I couldn't press the keyboard. And most of all, I hope that I will not betray myself and start crying. 

Some colleagues have been nice and helpful. My HOD requested to meet me first thing in the morning today. It's a miracle I could still sleep last night. But it turns out, he just wanted to ask me how am I feeling, if I am feeling depressed and if I could continue working. Thank you for the concern Dr. In view of what has happened, I never thought that you would still have time to think of my wellbeing. So I am truly touched. Another MO whom I have only met once gave me a pat on the back. It wasn't much but it is an encouragement to me. In times like this, what I need most is ENCOURAGEMENT, not sympathy and not even comfort. 

I know I will survive tomorrow. God will not give us challenges that we can't overcome. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't stem my fear. As usual, trying to numb myself so that I won't have to think or feel anything. I have been thinking so much that I don't know what to think anymore. 




Monday, August 6, 2012

Thank God for that mistake

I finally screwed up. I have been anticipating the day when I would have my first screw-up. Better to get it over with. And now I am actually relieved. I am nuts but that's just me. It's like the first time you step foot on a land mine. You know there will come a time when you will be blasted and so you wait in anticipation and the anxiety of waiting can be excruciating. But when you have actually stepped on one and the first explosion has gone off, immediately the stress and anxiety of waiting and anticipating disappear. It's not to say that I won't ever be afraid of making mistakes anymore. It's just that when I have committed one and have actually experienced the whole thing, it puts me more at ease because the next time it happens, I'll know what it feels like, I'll know how to cope with it. I'll know that it's not that difficult to get back up from the fall, not as difficult as I have imagined. And that I will survive because I have survived one before.

No, I didn't cost a life, in case you are wondering. Just some things which I could have done better . And it wasn't because, I was negligent or stupid or lazy but simply because I have no experience whatsover. It was my first time dealing with such a case although I have read multiple times about it in the textbook. But needless to say, theory and practical are worlds apart. And no matter how many times you have read and imagined the scenario, nothing is ever the same when you actually see one in real life. All information you think you know and you have so carefully memorized seem to have flown out of your mind.

Oh well, that mistake was a valuable mistake and I did learn from it as I have expected to. In fact, the next day, I got to apply what I have learned on another patient who came in with almost similar presentation.

Thank God for that screw up?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Transition & Adjustment

OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU, MY DEAR BLOG!

So much has happened in these 2 weeks. I underwent and am still undergoing one of the major transitions in life- from student to working adult.

The whole world must know by now that I got Paeds as my first posting. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to enter Paeds later on, when I am more competent and experienced because I wanted to do really well in that department and maximize my learning there. Oh well, God has a better plan. And I am starting to see the  upside of it.

Most of my colleagues are nice and kind enough to show me what I don't know. I am incredibly grateful to 2 of my new colleagues, Soo and Lim, who have taught me the most. Being new, I have no idea what I am supposed to know and what I don't know. Both of them have been telling and teaching me the essentials of what a HO must know. So, so far I am surviving thanks to the knowledge they have imparted to me.

Found a fabulous house to stay. It's exactly what I hope for with a reasonable price. Again, it might be a blessing in disguise that I didn't get a place in the hospital quarters.

Loving the kids in Paeds. Witnessed Salaam fits after many rantings from Dr Selim in the past. And being a doctor now, I don't feel like as if I am a space-occupying lesion in the ward. Now, I have every right to walk where I want in the ward, flip the case note, write in the case note and examine the patients. And my favourite of all...procedures.. I am still grabbing every opportunity I can to practise and master blood-taking in Paeds.

But it's not all a bed of roses. I feel like I am walking into a landmine everyday when I go to work. Any moment, I could have done the wrong thing or miss an important sign or symptom in a patient, calculated the wrong medication dosages, stepped on the foot of any colleague or MO or specialist and be extended.. And in JB, thanks to everyone's reminder, I am at high risk of being a robbery or snatch theft victim or worse. So every morning when I stepped out of my room, the stress level starts to mount.

I really have to learn to take things easy. I am putting so much stress on myself unnecessarily. And I really have to learn to trust God more then perhaps, I would have more peace. Everyday, after work, when I got into my car, the first thing I do is to thank God that a day has passed where I didn't screw things up, that I was an okay doctor today, that I didn't cost a life.

Night call today..and 2 days off the following days. Time to unwind and relax after tonight!!!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Know myself

The priest asked me today..."If I were to ask you to name 3 good qualities about yourself, what would they be?" It took me lots of "Err... Ah.... Eee" before I could muster up my first quality. And it turned out that it wasn't a quality, that what I have said did not count as a good quality. In a nutshell, I was unable to name, on the spot, even one good quality about myself. If it were to be a job interview, I would have failed MISERABLY.

The take-home message from Father to me was "Know myself. Don't let me be a stumbling block to myself.. Be thankful for what I AM." 

It seems I have plenty of self- reflection and soul- searching to do.


In the end, Father had to name one good quality OF ME. LOL..And he said "Intelligence". From his point of view, that is one good quality of me. He was surprised I didn't say that. When he mentioned that, I was surprised at myself for not thinking about that. I think that I have taken lots of things for granted. I have taken my own intelligence for granted, all my good qualities for granted when I should be thankful for them. So I thought long and hard (well, not that long and hard actually) and came up with these. The pathetic thing is that I couldn't think of anything else to add in.. :( Are these my only good qualities?

MY GOOD QUALITIES:-
INTELLIGENCE
DILIGENCE
DOWN-TO-EARTH
RECEPTIVE AND OPEN-MINDED
EAGERNESS AND WILLINGNESS TO LEARN
RATIONAL
TIDY AND SYSTEMATIC
LEADERSHIP SKILLS
ABILITY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER
LOYALTY

I was also advised to dwell on the positive emotions. One good and bad thing about me is that I am too aware of my negative feelings that I tend to dwell on them. For example, when I am jealous or envious or disrespectful, I am aware of those feelings when I am feeling it. I am aware that what I am feeling is a negative feeling. So, in the end, I end up dwelling on that, beating myself about the fact that I am such a terrible person for being jealous, envious, disrespectful etc etc. In a way, my OVER-AWARENESS of my own emotions, which is supposed to be a good thing, turns out making things worse. 

That is why I have to KNOW MYSELF. Know that I am not a terrible person. That I am a person with all the good qualities above and dwell on them instead. Focus on the positive emotions. And I still have time to do that because as a person gets older, it becomes harder to change. If you are always an angry person and continues to focus on that, you will of course, continue to be this angry person and even your face changes and takes on an angry expression. So that negative emotion will consume you. And then people don't like you, you sink into depression etc etc...

Father mentioned stuff like cortisol, hippocampus, memory loss, emotions....I was impressed by him, by what a priest actually knows. Within that few minutes, he has touched on anatomy, physiology and some aspects of psychology and psychiatry, not to mention spirituality. WOW! No wonder priests have to study for 7 years. 




Saturday, June 30, 2012

Am I expecting too much?

The tap water is running and overflowing in the bathroom and somehow, he can't seem to hear it.
The stench from his pet permeates the living room and somehow, he can't seem to smell it.
The mother is groaning in pain due to backache from overwork and he can't seem to lift a finger to help out around the house.
The parents are worried sick of his future and yet he can't seem to push himself to study harder.
He has so much potential, so many talents, so much determination, so much discipline but yet they are not properly utilized.
He has a soft heart, a kind heart, loyalty, sensibility but are these enough for him to survive in the harsh and cruel world?

I love him so much. That is probably why I am so exasperated that he is not trying his best to live up to his potential. I thought maybe I expect too much from him. But how can you expect too much from someone who has not even put in 20% of their effort?

I don't look down on the garbage-collector, the trishaw-puller or the kueh tiaw-seller. I respect these people for their diligence, their down-to-earth self. These people earn an honest wage.

I don't expect him to be like me. I just want to see some form of effort, some hard work. I want him to have a goal in life towards which he can pursue and work hard to achieve. Most of all, I don't want to see history repeating itself and the victim being him. THAT is why I am so worried about him.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The most unappreciated job

The most under-appreciated occupation is, I think, a homemaker, whether a housewife or househusband. I will use the term 'housewife' because it is more common than a househusband. The day of a housewife begins at the crack of dawn. She wakes earlier than her family because she needs to wake her children up for school, prepare their breakfast and send them to school. Then comes the second round of waking up the husband for work and preparing breakfast. After the husband and children have left, the chores begin- sweeping, mopping, dusting, laundry- laundry is only ONE word, but laundry itself involves washing, hanging it up, collecting it back when it's dry, sorting, folding, ironing and putting them back into different cupboards in different rooms. So, 'laundry' contains ONE word but it involves at least 7 acts!

And then comes the meals- breakfast, lunch, dinner and sometimes, tea-time and supper. For those who have never stepped foot into the kitchen, it may perhaps be a very lucky thing for you. Why? To prepare a meal, the housewife has to start by THINKING of the dishes- what her family wants and likes to eat, what each of them dislikes or is allergic to, what is nutritious and good for them and cost-effectiveness. Depending on each family's practice/ habit, a housewife has to think of not ONE dish, but at least 2-3 dishes for not ONE meal but for at least 2 meals (lunch and dinner). Then, comes marketing- she has to drive to the market, supermarket or shops to get the various ingredients. For the not so fortunate housewives, whose husband never earns enough, then they have to wisely plan the budget for each meal as well. Again, for those who has never laid their hand on a spatula, contrary to what they think, to cook say, a curry chicken doesn't just require ONE ingredient, that is chicken. Besides chicken, you need potatoes, garlic, curry powder, coconut, the seasonings etc etc. So one dish is not equivalent to one ingredient! I will not elaborate the details and steps of preparing a curry chicken. My point is to cook ONE dish involves MANY processes. Don't forget the dirty dishes to be washed after each meal! So imagine a housewife who cooks EVERYDAY to have the children come home and say "Yuck, I don't like this vege!" and another child saying "I am on diet, I'm not eating that lemon chicken" and the husband coming home saying he has eaten outside. 

Yes, a housewife may be given money by the husband every month but the money is meant for household expenses. In other words, a housewife DOES NOT have a pay. Few would have enough money left to spend and indulge on themselves. I am talking about the average housewife, not the rich tai tai, of course.

Here comes the children. The housewife is expected to take care of the children, which includes their studies. Helping them with homework and projects, fetching them to and fro school and tuition and even to other places when they want to hang out with friends. When the children becomes naughty, it's the mother's fault for not taking the children in hand.

A housewife is also expected to perform their wifely duty and serve their husband well. Amid the hours of slogging on household chores and the financial limitation (as elaborated above), a housewife is expected to still look beautiful for the husband and to welcome home the working husband with a warm smile and a warm meal on the table. After all, to the husband, how tired could the wife be?! She is at home the whole day, while he is out the whole day.

Apart from being a housewife, some women also have to juggle a career and work in order to make ends meet. Imagine having to do everything I have described above AND having to WORK outside at the same time. If anyone thinks this is an easy feat, then you are a very prosaic person because you cannot IMAGINE how difficult it is.

Why do I say unappreciated? How many children and husband express their gratitude and appreciation to their wife or mother for each meal prepared, each time the floor is swept and mopped, each piece of clothing ironed and hung out nicely for them, each time the mother dropped the children off at school? Most often, the children would look up to the father for working so hard and bringing money home for the family. And the children would also be reminded many times by the mother to study hard because "Your dad works so hard for you." But most husband and children forget that the housewife works just as hard too. How often does the husband remind the children on how hard the mother is working at home, ensuring a cosy home for them all?

I am not sure if I could ever be noble and self-sacrificial enough to be a homemaker. Well, maybe yes. The last I heard, motherhood is quite a life-changing experience. So the cliche says "A mother will do anything for her child" but when the time comes, I sure would negotiate for a better deal- AT LEAST, there should be a maid or two, a pay with annual bonus, annual review of the pay and EPF.





Monday, May 7, 2012

One helluva woman

I found a 2-day part-time job for the weekend. I worked as a promoter for Nestle Omega milk. They were running a roadshow with promotional offer of free cholesterol check with a purchase of a pack of milk powder. I was provided with a T-shirt for the 2-day job. Being a bit of a cleanliness freak, just a little, I washed the T-shirt after the end of my work on Day 1.

I was washing it by hand when my grandmother, who came over to stay for a couple of days, asked why was I washing clothes at such a late hour. I told her the reason, that I have to wear it again the next day. The next morning came and it was raining cats and dogs. When I came back from church, I found my work T-shirt all dry and hung up ready to be worn. My grandmother, knowing that it wouldn't dry in time in such a weather, had ironed my shirt till it became dry. I was touched beyond words. She remembered what I said, when I only said it briefly. I myself didn't even remember or think of the fact that my shirt would not dry in the cool, rainy weather. I hadn't even thought of wanting to check if it was dry. But, my grandmother, this amazing woman, thought it all.

I have never yet met a woman like my grandmother. She is kind, generous (in time, money and effort), thoughtful and considerate, hardworking, open-minded for a woman in her 80's. Did I mention that she single-handedly raise 7 children on her own after her husband passed away when she was only in her late 20's? She never remarry. She, a widow, continued the tofu-making business left to her by her late husband and her children had always had enough to eat, wear and use. All her children always had at least 3 pieces of new clothes for Chinese New Year when they were young. When her daughters wanted to pursue a career in hairdressing and beauty all the way to UK, she supported them fully and not just 1 daughter, but 3 daughters. A few went on to get a degree. I have never heard her utter a word of complain or regret. I have never heard her grumble.

Over the years, she lost both her sons. The pain of a mother watching her child go before her is something which, unless you experience it for yourself, is completely unfathomable. In my popo's case, it was not 1, but the 3 most important men in her life- first, her husband, then her oldest son and subsequently, her youngest son. Apart from the permanent and painful scar it left on her, she is still this amazing, amazing, awesome lady that she is. She is so soft- spoken, so mild-tempered, so gentle and at the same time, she is an iron lady- the strongest and most resilient woman I have ever met.

She is one helluva woman!!!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Dr. Eunice

It feels too surreal...but that's not important because IT'S REAL! I'm a doctor now!!! Dr. Eunice Ng Chin Nien. Hm...Dr Eunice...sounds better than Dr Ng....ok la..shall introduce myself as Dr Eunice. HAHAHA....Shiok sendiri...

I have no idea how I went through the last 4 weeks, the most intense of which is the last week and the week of the exams. IT WAS HELL ON EARTH. But luckily, God was around to save me. I was holding myself together, because at any moment, I would have broken down. But I didn't. I don't know where else that strength could have come from if not from God. I have no idea how a friend of mine, who is an atheist, got through such a trying period. In times when we, believers, trust God and say "Please bless me Lord...", he was saying "Huat ah..!" Oh well, I guess that was his way of blessing himself...his lucky words for himself. Sorry, can't help this snide remark. Just that his constant chant of "Huat ah" was annoying the hell out of me.

Official results was announced today at 3.45pm at the lobby of our faculty under a constant drizzle, which became a heavy rain. All 69 of us had to stand in front, facing the lecturers, who were sitting. The Dean announced one by one, the names of the people who had passed, meaning, you would want your name to be called!!! Can you imagine those minutes of waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for your name to be called, especially the 69th student? Boy, that might have been the suspense of the year. Almost every girl cried tears of joy, except me. *defensively* What?!! I just don't tear easily. Even some of the lecturers were having watery red eyes and nose...guy lecturers, might I add.

The announcement ended at 5pm and we had an appreciation dinner at 7pm. It was a hustle and bustle for the girls from then on, including me. Rushing to the saloon or make-up amid the peak hour of a traffic jam...crazy crazy... BUT IT WAS SUPER WORTH IT! Dinner was fun and amazing and just great great great.

NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FELT ON THE LAST WEEK  AND THE WEEK OF MY PROFESSIONAL EXAMS II and NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. 
Two totally different feelings, each at opposite end of the spectrum.


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU GOD! x 1000000.


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Faith is all I have

Lord, grant me the strength to go through these 3 weeks. I know I haven't been the most obedient daughter to You. But one thing I always have is Faith in you. I trust you more than I trust myself. Without Your grace, without You, I am nothing. Grant me strength, grant me peace, grant me wisdom, empower me with Your love and Holy Spirit. I am telling myself I can do this because I have You, I am Your daughter. And that is the only thing that is guiding and pushing me through this challenging time.

I am like a tightly-wound guitar string that is being wound up tighter and tighter as the day goes by, threatening to snap anytime.

KEEP IT TOGETHER! TRUST IN GOD!  

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Down with the sexist men

One of the qualities in men that I absolutely abhor is sexism. Sexist men...one sexist comment from their mouth and these men are automatically transferred to my list of intolerable, insufferable humans to be avoided at all costs, no matter if they go on to win the Nobel Prize or be the Richest Man on the Planet.

I was extremely restless and annoyed yesterday. First thing in the morning, my whole class waited for 1 hour 30 minutes for a doctor, who did not arrive in the end (though I can bet that it's not his fault, he's a very respectable doctor whom we all like). Might I add that in the midst of waiting, I asked the administrative staff in my school office, who very politely told me it's none of her business, when in fact, it's totally her and her department's business to call and remind the doctors about the lectures.

And then I spent 3 hours 30 minutes in the afternoon listening to 3 gentlemen from the government department brief us about HOW to apply for housemanship. The objective of these 3 talks were important and relevant enough, except that by the end of the day, my whole class still doesn't have a single clue on what we are supposed to do. We were supposed to fill in an online form and up till today, not one of the 69 of us has managed to fill in the online form successfully due to their website problem. Oh the government of Malaysia, when will you ever progress?!

The second speaker was the aforementioned insufferable and intolerable man. He was the typical Malay (I'm not racist, you'll know why I had to add in this adjective later), government worker who talked about discipline, appropriate attire (now you know what I mean, only Malaysian Malay Men who work with the government like to talk about 'appropriate' attire) and proper appearance. He said "Ladies have to make themselves attractive...*a little commotion among the crowd, or maybe it was just me*... No..no...seriously, it's important to be attractive and fashionable a bit. For example, that time I went to a hospital in Thailand, the nurses there are all very attractive." I waited for his rationale and reasoning to support his comment but none came. What's the point and objective of his example, I don't know. And ironically, he is not even an attractive man to begin with. He then touched on attire..."For ladies, janganlah pakai pakaian yang menjolok mata." (Fair enough an advice)...He then continued "Menyeksa orang di sekeliling tengok...fahamkan apa yang saya cakap...?" Am I the only oversensitive female or was his comment utterly and despicably disgusting?! He's also rather hypocritical, asking us not to dress too attractively (menjolok mata) and then, stressing on the importance of being attractive. Well, they are not synonymous I know but you get my point. He then went on about moral and discipline..bla...bla...bla... Oh about moral, did you people know LAUGHING TOO LOUD is considered TIDAK BERMORAL? Disappointingly, 2 of my male classmates told me they enjoyed his talk the most. Somebody, KILL ME! Not surprisingly, those 2 guys are also 2 of the most sexist males in my class.

Attractiveness is a very subjective thing. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Attractive is important, you say? Are you telling us that your department considers attractiveness as a criteria for housemanship application? That you are going to choose only the attractive females and give them the hospitals that they want? Are you going to choose the attractive females and give them more benefits? Is being attractive going to make us a safer doctor? Are attractive female doctors going to save more lives? The last I remember, I signed up for Med school, not Malaysian's Next Top Model. I am not jealous of attractive women (good for you ladies) nor am I upset that I am not as hot as Megan Fox. It's just that I thought I live in the 21st century where responsibility, reliability, diligence, intelligence, kindness, versatility, confidence and creativity are more important qualities to stress on, rather than a mere 'attractiveness'.

BOO to the sexist pigs!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I want to but I am too chicken

The 2 things which I have always wanted to do but have not yet mustered enough courage to do are:

Get a tattoo. Too paranoid about getting Hepatitis or HIV from non-sterile tattoo equipment. My career, not to mention my life, would be over even before I could begin to say OVER. But I'm sure there are 'clean' tattoo parlors around...hmmm...

Shave my head. I want to shave my head once and donate it for the cancer project where they use real hair to make wigs for cancer patients. I have been following this blog about a young lady with breast cancer fighting for her life. She is getting married soon and her friend has decided to shave her head and donate her hair so that she can wear a wig made out of real hair for her wedding. These are photos of the process.

http://www.client.francescamoore.co.uk/CharityHeadShave_WEB/index.html

There are quite a number of organizations where you can donate your hair to in UK, not sure about Malaysia, though. There's also this Hair for Hope event held in Singapore annually.

http://www.hairforhope.org.sg/

http://www.locksoflove.org/mission.html

http://www.littleprincesses.org.uk/donate/hair.aspx - This organization is based in UK and they accept hair from overseas!

But still, it'll be better to donate to a Malaysian organization first. Help fellow Malaysians first bah...But I can't find any place to donate hair to in Malaysia!!!  Me mum's a hairdresser. It could be my little project during the holidays.

My hair is really long now and it's thick and healthy, although there are few strands of grey in it. I'm tempted to change my hairstyle. Maybe I can take the shortcut. I will not shave but just cut my hair short and donate it. Some website say you need at least 10 inches of hair....hmm.... But it's not nice doing things halfway, not in full spirit of supporting the cause.

Off to measure my hair and imagining myself bald.....

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The pleading eyes

I'm enjoying Paeds. The kids are great.

I saw a few uncommon/ rare cases: Williams syndrome, Marfan syndrome, Cockayne syndrome and congenital ichthyosis.

The other day, I was helping a HO hold down a 4-year-old boy during blood-taking. As in every blood-taking in Paeds, the whole scene will be full of drama, especially when the kid is a toddler or an older child. They are old enough to know it hurts and will resist with all their might. I was both heart-broken and amused with this boy. He had so many antics. A few times, he tried screaming at the top of his voice. Then he used the gentle technique. He gave the HO the most soft and pleading eyes and begged the doctor "Doktor, jangan ambil darah...Doktor, jangan ambil darah." To which the HO very gently and firmly replied "Saya mesti. Saya hendak tolong kamu." His pleading failed and he tried to bluff us. He shouted "Saya nak pergi tandas...nak kencing." We were almost fooled until the mom said "Apa nak pergi tandas...ada pampers tu.." He was wearing a diaper. Super LOL! Another HO tried to fool him while trying to search for a nice, fat vein by saying "Tiada cucuk...tengok saja." The smart boy saw the SYRINGE (not even the needle, cuz we have hidden the needle) and said "Tu....tu...jarum!"    AND after the successful blood-taking, he refused to believe us when we told him that it's over and asked "Mana darah...nak tengok darah..."

Kids are amazing. Treating children is amazing. You will never feel cheated as you would treating an asthma patient who smokes or a HIV patient who continues to have UNprotected sex. It requires so much more skill and tact in Paeds. You need to be soft and gentle BUT firm at the same time. Plus you need to speak in that special kiddy voice that you reserve only for them. And you CANNOT NOT smile. So no matter how crappy a day you are having, the kids will make you smile, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

Can you resist that soft, pleading eyes?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Nightmare

I woke up at dawn today with a jolt. A nightmare woke me. I very very seldom have dreams and nightmares. I dreamt that I was back at my old house, the house I grew up as a child. I was at my kitchen and I saw some movement outside the window. I thought it was a cat trying to jump in through the window. My old neighbourhood, was notorious for stray cats. It turned out that it wasn't a cat but only a man on a bicycle passing by. It was too late, because I had thought it was a cat and I had uttered 'Shoo'. The man must have been offended, or so I thought in the nightmare. He stopped, passed his hand through my kitchen window and took a piece of food off the table and fed it to his cat. Somehow he had a cat with him. LOL... And then, he got off his bicycle, and tried to undo the lock on my window grill (the lock was unlocked) to climb in. I was looking at him and shouting for my mum and quickly got hold of a knife to threaten him. But he was oblivious to my knife and shouting and continued to climb in.

And then I woke up. I could remember the face of this man so vividly. No, it's not someone I know. But, his face is so vivid that if the police asked me to identify this man, I would have done so straightaway without a doubt. It got me thinking... I have been lucky so far in that I have never encountered a thief or robber face-to-face. *shuddering at the thought of it*  I can't imagine what I would do especially if the robber/thief is someone who is not afraid of you...like that guy in my nightmare, who would continue to charge at you despite your realization of what he is going to do.

I have never considered the crime rates of a city as a factor when I decide where to stay or live. I am going to apply to a hospital in JB for my HO. One of my friends, a guy might I add, told us that among his reasons for not applying to JB is the high crime rates. I found it so ridiculous then. Maybe it isn't that preposterous after all.

The last time I had a really really terrible nightmare, I woke up crying like a burst pipe, scaring my roommates. I had dreamed that something had happened to my parents. It was so real that I could remember hoping, even in my dreams, that everything would only be a dream. Of course, one of the reasons I woke up crying that time was because I was so relieved that it was only a dream. This time again, I had an almost irresistible urge to call home and make sure my family is okay. I know I am not psychic. I am not one of those people whose dreams mean something and turn out to be true. It's just I am a bit paranoid when it comes to the safety and well-being of mi familia. Isn't everyone?

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Floater

42 days to Professional Exams II

And I feel like a floater...Like floaters in the vitreous humor. I am revising Ophthalmology, hence the Ophthalmological jargon. Floating around, reading whatever I can, whenever I can, grabbing whatever knowledge that is floating my way... If only whatever I read could stay ingrained in my memory and not leak out the moment I close the book. How nice if I could be like the big fishes in the sea where they could feed by just opening their mouth and all the plankton would float into their mouth. In my context, how nice if I could just stare or look at the book and all the knowledge would just flow straight into my memory.

It's a good thing, though, that I am still floating and not sinking. Think positive! Think positive! 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Win-Lose Situation

Sometimes you force yourselves to do the things that you don't want or don't like to do because you know it's good for you. A simple example would be forcing yourself to eat vegetables even though you don't like it because well, vege is supposed to be good for you. Or forcing yourself to get your lazy butt off the couch to go for a jog because you know exercise is good for you. Decisions like these are somewhat easy to make. Actions like that...the act of eating vege and jogging are simple tasks, which do not require your uttermost sincerity or enthusiasm.

What if an action, the consequence of which you know is going to be a good one, involves your utmost sincerity in doing it? Would you simply just do it halfheartedly merely for the sake of reaping that good/ beneficial outcome that comes with your action? For example, your wife wants you to say "I love you" to her and knowing full well that by simply complying and saying "I love you" would make your wife very happy and loved, would you say it, EVEN THOUGH at that moment in time, you do not yet love her or that you just had a bad fight and do not feel like saying "I love you" or you actually do not love her at all or that you have fallen out of love with her? My point is... would you say it (the action) for the sake of making your wife happy (the good outcome) even though you don't mean it at all? Now we know that you have to mean every single syllable of that "I love you" when you say it.

Situation like this is a win-lose/ lose-win situation. You win when you say it because...yay....your wife is happy, your marriage is saved and peace is restored.  You also lose because you force yourself to say something which you don't mean it at all, hence betraying and deceiving yourself.

Another scenario. Say... the Season of Lent is here, it's time to do good and forgive those who have sinned against you. Forgiveness is another act which requires your utmost sincerity. You know you should forgive the people who have done wrong against you (or so you thought). You know forgiveness means letting go of the grudge, the hatred, the bitterness and allowing peace to reign within you again. You even feel guilty if you don't forgive because well, begrudging and hating someone is in itself a sin. And so you let the guilt and your rational mind rule over you and you decide to forgive. BUT, you can't find it in your heart to forgive fully. What happens now? You want to but you can't. Your mind asks you to but your heart does not allow you to. What do you do? You can't force yourself to forgive or love someone like you force yourself to eat that vegetable, EVEN THOUGH you know loving and forgiving is good for you and the other party. Again you win and you lose.

If you forgive: Yay...You win because you've forgiven someone and the forgiven person is happy again BUT you also lose at the same time because you are just kidding and deceiving yourself into believing that you have forgiven when in fact, you haven't.

If you don't forgive: Dang...you lose because unforgiveness is bad for you, yo! It eats you from inside out. BUT you also win, because you remain true to yourself...you didn't let guilt and your too-rational mind trick you into forgiving.

Of course, everything will be simple if your heart and mind are in agreement. But when they are not, this is when you have the WIN-LOSE situation.

Whoever says that life is simple has not yet lived life. Life could only be simple if your mind thinks the same way as your heart feels AND  also if everyone thinks like you and acts like you. No issue then. But life's not like that.


Friday, February 3, 2012

Quelling the inferno

We have completed all our main postings (we still have SHOP= Shadow House Officer Posting). Gosh! Fifth year seems to pass by the fastest of all. A facebook friend put on his status "People say time flies, but I say time JETS away." That is most certainly true.

Watched a few movies this week- "Underworld", "The Grey" and "Chronicle". The Grey puts me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Wolves are so smart, gosh, they seem smarter than humans even. Chronicle also puts me on the edge of my seat because it's so bad that a few times, I shoved my butt off the seat and almost left. So disappointing.

Done with my surgical posting exams and yet I am not feeling any more relief or happier because there's PUPUK presentation and MOCK exams after this week and also that I know I am not going to get an A for surgery. And I really want that A. Sigh... Unless, a miracle happens but my performance was just too disappointing that..that...I am not even sure if I want God to convert my substandard performance into an A. Frankly, I know I don't deserve it. But...but..I still want it. Guiltily greedy.

On a different note, someone upset me again. I know something is wrong when you asked me for that number. My first instinct was to lie but then I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. A leopard never changes its spots. Damn it! I never learn! Now I do. Arrghh...I still don't feel better after penning this down....Upset is an understatement. I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE SMASHING A WATERMELON ONTO THE WALL WHILE PRETENDING IT'S YOUR FUCKING HEAD.

To calm myself down, I shall think of other things. Many of my classmates are busy buying postgraduate books...POSTGRADUATE BOOKS. Gosh... Well, we have the RM200 book vouchers and everyone is using that. I am so puzzled as to why they are so kan chiong... I am puzzled because I cannot fathom that feeling of certainty. They are so sure of what they want and what they are going to specialize in. I am also envious in a way. I am still in a state of limbo. I thought I like surgery but..but... see, there's a BUT. I seem to like Paeds more, but I am not sure if I am ready to give up surgery. After all, it has been my secret love for so long (not so secret actually). My future, in my mind, is so full of question marks. But for others, they seem to have a clear image of their future in their mind already.


Monday, January 30, 2012

Romance to Action

A few years ago, I had this Underworld  VCD at home and I turned it on, wanting to watch it. A few minutes later, I turned it off, too scared of the monsters. A horror scene or a monster could be so fake that a 5-year-old could watch it without fear but before me, it could be so scary that I have to close my eyes and shut my ears and still have vivid images of them when I lay on my bed at night. Well, guess what? I definitely have more guts now. I watched "Underworld: Awakening" today and I LOVE IT! I love the actions, the gruesome killings, the so-ugly-that-it-becomes-scary-looking Lycans and not even the sweet little girl who turns evil-looking and could climb on the wall scared me.
(There's something about monsters and ghosts that climb on the wall which scares the hell out of me. I could stay awake in fear imagining a ghost perched at the corner of the ceiling looking down. Great, now I am scaring myself.)

I have been a bit of an action movie junkie lately. The killings, bombs, guns and bullets, fightings, assassination- I love it all. Gone are the days when I only watch chick flicks or romance. Now it's action *cracks knuckles*

Anyone has all the movies of Underworld?

Saturday, January 21, 2012

JOY

I was in so much emotional turmoil that I just couldn't bear it. And so, I did what any weak-spirited person would do. I threw in the towel.

I BOOKED A FLIGHT HOME.

The flight's tomorrow morning. :') (Tears of joy)

Actually I have no one to blame but myself. I could have made a decision months ago and booked the flight home for CNY. But I procrastinated and kept deceiving myself into believing that I could endure CNY without going back home. I should have known better, especially after last CNY which I spent in Kudat.

I could have spared myself the emotional torture. I have been feeling so down and depressed weeks before till today. This morning, when I was doing my groceries in Giant and saw the CNY goods and the aunties doing the last minute shopping, my carefully- protected emotional dam just crumbled. I went back to my room and vowed to pick myself up and distracted myself by cooking, something I very rarely do here. And then I pretended to study while the imaginations run wild. The vision of me back home, eating reunion dinner, of me visiting my grandmothers and babysitter and relatives, me sitting at home with mum with all the lights at home turned on brightly on the eve, ushering the new year, of me going to the temple (yes, I go to temple once a year) to pay respects to my late grandfather on the first day of CNY. I was literally in physical pain from homesickness.

And so I asked Nad for a favour, the type of favour which I have always vowed to refrain from asking ever in my lifetime. I broke my own personal principle and asked for it anyway because I was in so much torture. So acute was my homesickness that if I were to slap myself the whole day, I wouldn't have felt anything.

Anyway, HAPPY ENDING. I AM GOING BACK HOME!


I haven't stopped smiling since.



P/S: Thanks Nad, I owe you big time. Thanks also to Chand for the encouragement. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

Saturday, January 14, 2012

God kept me safe


You never really know how close you are to death until after you have escaped it or until, you are well, dead. I never felt it while I was driving today, although I was chanting prayers throughout the journey to and fro Kudat today. I wasn't feeling very confident of subjecting my car to the 3-hour drive on the unexpected roads and traffic of the Sabah outskirts since the flood incident. My car is just never the same again and I have lost confidence and a sense of security in it. It has, after all, been through a helluva flood and damage.

But two of my best friends came and I really wanted to bring them around Kudat to experience the culture and lifestyle of the local people there. During the journey there, my car just went all weird (don't know the technical term for it). It started to jerk and lose power all of a sudden, as if the battery had suddenly gone dead. Initially, I thought it was because of the car battery as the batt light always came on during these episodes of car 'fits'. Not only that, the scary thing was, when that happened, my brake became all weird as well, it kinda lost its grip and I thought then and there that my time must be up. The steering wheel would became quite rigid as well. I had no idea when these fits would occur. Just when I thought all was well and started accelerating, it would occur again. To make matters worse, on my way back, I was still 2 hours away from KK when the sky turned dark. I was driving my fitful car in the dark on dangerous, uneven, landslide-prone roads.  

Thinking about it now gives me the chills. I was that close to death. I am exaggerating, you say. Maybe, maybe not. There were so many times when I could have met with an accident. But I didn’t. I arrived at Kudat and then back in KK safely. This may not be those hair-raising testimonies that you hear but it is for me. God kept us (my friends and I) safe. He kept us in that bubble of protection where no harm could come our way.

I am also incredibly regretful and sorry to have put my friends in danger-  2 of my oldest friends, Lynn and Bee and the 2 Caucasian backpackers, whom I gave a lift to, as well as my best buddies here, Chand and Nad. Chand and Nad purposely waited for me for 2 hours to accompany me on the drive back when they could have gone back in the SPU bus. If anything were to happen to anyone of them, it would be nobody's fault but mine. *shudder* Let's hope I won't get nightmares tonight.

After consulting a few people, they all thought that the problem was probably due to some fuse or circuit problem. Sigh... I love my car but I don't feel good driving it now...don't feel safe, secure and confident driving it...I don't speak cars but I know the flood must have damaged it badly. It's like when a person has epilepsy. You don't know when the fits are going to occur. There may be precipitating factors or some premonition before a fit in epilepsy but there may also be none. The fits can occur anytime, anywhere. I feel like that with my car. :(

Monday, January 9, 2012

*Gasp*

I had a panic attack. I thought this week was Week 3 of my current posting. Little did I know it is already Week 4!!! This means I have only 3 more weeks left before end-posting exams, 5 more weeks left before my MOCK exams and before my PUPUK report is due. Not to mention, it's

98 DAYS TO PROFESSIONAL EXAMS! 

*gasping for air*

Somebody, please sedate me!

Friday, January 6, 2012

The nerd talking

I listened in awe as Dr Hamed explained splenorrhaphy to us today. If I wasn't making a conscious effort to keep my mouth closed, I would have listened with my mouth wide opened in wonder. I didn't know such a thing as splenorrhaphy existed until today. Till then, I thought that once liver or splenic laceration or rupture occurs, there's no other way other than splenectomy (for spleen) or death (if liver rupture). Until we learned of these. Listen to this...

In case of liver laceration, you can do a finger hepatectomy to actually widen the laceration and then, attempt to ligate the bleeding arteries between the laceration. (There are other methods of repairing the liver injury too which are the common ones that you've probably heard of.)

For splenic laceration, you can actually 'suture' the spleen together by using the omentum. As it is not possible to directly suture the spleen together due to its consistency, you can use the omentum and bring it over the lacerated area and tie the suture through the omentum. Other than omentum, you can use other materials too, which I am not very sure of. And this is SPLENORRHAPHY. How awesome is that!!! You can also use this method to repair liver laceration.

I know that these knowledge are beyond my level. I don't even have the knowledge of anatomy and physiology of liver and spleen at the tip of my fingers. But occasionally, I need out-of-the-world, mouth-gaping knowledge like these to remind me why Medicine is so fascinating. The stress of assignments, studying for endless exams, drilling by lecturers day after day can make life dull and lustre-less. And the occasional infusion of exciting information and knowledge can add some spice back to the otherwise, dull life.

The 4 hours of class with Dr Hamed today ended with me feeling all hyped up and excited. Like I am ready to storm into the OT and stand through surgery after surgery. Padahal, kalau ditanya anatomy questions, my excited bubble would probably burst terus.

Anyhow, today was great. Because of that class. And because it's FRIDAY!


Sunday, January 1, 2012

The perfect resolutions

I have found the perfect resolutions for 2012 in Lectio Divina- Dec 2011 edition. It makes me somewhat ashamed of my somewhat shallow and materialistic wishes in my previous post.

So, for 2012, with God's help, I shall:

Give up complaining...focus on gratitude
Give up harsh judgements...think kind thoughts
Give up worry...trust divine providence
Give up discouragement...be full of hope
Give up bitterness...turn to forgiveness
Give up hatred...return good for evil
Give up anger... practise patience
Give up pettiness...put on maturity
Give up gloom...enjoy beauty that is around me
Give up gossiping...control my tongue

Have faith

New year! New beginning. New adventures. New experiences. New hopes and wishes.

Recap of 2011

Great year with not many ups and downs actually. A pretty static year. Finished Year 4 and started Year 5 with Elective posting in Sydney. Had a great learning experience and holiday in Sydney. All thanks to my brother. It was great seeing him and catching up after a year plus. First time observing cardiothoracic surgeries which was really really interesting. It makes me want to watch Paediatric cardiothoracic surgeries now, after having watched the adult ones. Released I don't like the cold weather overseas, I prefer the sunny, hot and even humid weather in the tropics where I get to wear thin, colorful, 1-layer clothes, instead of having to bundle myself in layers of dark-colored clothes overseas. Urggh... But Sydney was definitely the highlight of 2011.

I would like to think I have gained more knowledge, maturity and wisdom. Hihi... Year 5...let's see. I'm sure that I don't like OBGYN. I think Medicine is really really difficult and complex and that I may not be cut out for it BUT I won't rule out the possibility of being a physician, maybe just to take up the challenge. I know, I must be crazy. I really enjoyed Paeds. I have always liked surgery, but I have yet to complete surgical posting, so I won't comment further until then. I like E. Med too but I don't really have much exposure to it at the moment.

I find out the meaning of true friendship and save some of my time by deciding to stop putting effort in maintaining those that are not worth my time.

The only true down in 2011 was the flood incident, when my car was submerged. That was a true nightmare. And that expensive traffic fine that had burnt a hole in my pocket.

And that nobody has yet managed to steal my heart, other than these 2 angels.


Dear Lord, these are my prayers and wishes for 2012:

That my family and I be healthy, safe and happy. Bless us with some wealth too. Hehe..

That I be a doctor by April 2012- passed my Prof Exams at one go, get a great hospital for housemanship and a smooth beginning for my career.

To love more and forgive easily.

That the perfect match that you have made for me in heaven will appear soon.
Well, you see, God, my risk of breast cancer is increased if I remain nulliparous from age 25 onwards, not to mention that the rates of fertility problems and obstetrics complications increase as a woman's age progresses. Besides, I really love kids (though that doesn't equate to being a good mum). And I don't desire to be that weird, fierce, bitter and difficult person that are common qualities associated with spinsterhood. I know, this is an unfair stereotype. Oh well, when the time comes and spinsterhood is inevitable, I would get a dog. LOL. 

A chance to travel. You know which countries are on my mind... *with pleading, angelic eyes*


If I am being too greedy, I will compromise, God, with just the above 2. Thank you.


To be honest, I am a little afraid. The pessimism within reminds me that there can never be only ups in life. So I am already afraid for the downs.


BE NOT AFRAID, EUNICE.  TRUST IN THE LORD, HAVE FAITH...