I still love Paeds

The mortality meeting went well. God is great! I was cool, steady and calm. I presented the case well, with fluent English, appropriate pace and a matter-of-fact, emotionless tone. Everyone was looking at my face, expecting me to break down at any moment. I did not even feel close to crying or breaking down BECAUSE I felt God by my side. I could really feel his presence, accompanying me, standing by my side. It was just a miracle.

The specialists did not give me a hard time. They did not question me much. My HOD even defended me. All in all, everything went well.

A week later, I was doing night round with a specialist. He brought up the matter and I was somewhat irritated at first. In the end, he was actually quite encouraging. He told me that everyone will encounter this, it's just a matter of time. Some go through this later and in my case, I went through this earlier. And it might even be a good thing that I went through this earlier. He said maybe after this incident, I might be inspired to be a Paeds cardiologist. Kinda lol..  Another MO, who was present during the round as well, was also very encouraging. He told me that it's important not to let this hold me back.

THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. 

I am well aware that I am now quite infamous in the department. And because of this, I instinctively try harder to prove myself. To prove that I am a worthy doctor. That I am not a bad doctor. Because, unlike others, people now will tend to find fault with me, to find a mistake or a weakness that they can pinpoint at me. I don't blame them. After all, such a reaction is only human and doctors are mere humans.

I have come to terms with the fact, the fact that the incident has happened and that things happen for a reason. Again, I thank God for this challenge. In retrospect, it is a blessing that I went through this so soon and in this department where the bosses are nice. If this were to happen later and in another department, the consequences would have been more dreadful.

Time flies. I will be finishing my placement in Paeds medical and transferring to Neonate soon. Neonate ward will be even busier and more challenging.

Despite all that has happened, being a first poster in Paeds groping my way around in the dark, feeling clueless and like a complete idiot, despite this adjustment period, I am certain about three things:

 I LOVE MY JOB.

 I LOVE BEING A DOCTOR. 

I STILL LOVE PAEDS. 

Dr. Eunice

It feels too surreal...but that's not important because IT'S REAL! I'm a doctor now!!! Dr. Eunice Ng Chin Nien. Hm...Dr Eunice...sounds better than Dr Ng....ok la..shall introduce myself as Dr Eunice. HAHAHA....Shiok sendiri...

I have no idea how I went through the last 4 weeks, the most intense of which is the last week and the week of the exams. IT WAS HELL ON EARTH. But luckily, God was around to save me. I was holding myself together, because at any moment, I would have broken down. But I didn't. I don't know where else that strength could have come from if not from God. I have no idea how a friend of mine, who is an atheist, got through such a trying period. In times when we, believers, trust God and say "Please bless me Lord...", he was saying "Huat ah..!" Oh well, I guess that was his way of blessing himself...his lucky words for himself. Sorry, can't help this snide remark. Just that his constant chant of "Huat ah" was annoying the hell out of me.

Official results was announced today at 3.45pm at the lobby of our faculty under a constant drizzle, which became a heavy rain. All 69 of us had to stand in front, facing the lecturers, who were sitting. The Dean announced one by one, the names of the people who had passed, meaning, you would want your name to be called!!! Can you imagine those minutes of waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for your name to be called, especially the 69th student? Boy, that might have been the suspense of the year. Almost every girl cried tears of joy, except me. *defensively* What?!! I just don't tear easily. Even some of the lecturers were having watery red eyes and nose...guy lecturers, might I add.

The announcement ended at 5pm and we had an appreciation dinner at 7pm. It was a hustle and bustle for the girls from then on, including me. Rushing to the saloon or make-up amid the peak hour of a traffic jam...crazy crazy... BUT IT WAS SUPER WORTH IT! Dinner was fun and amazing and just great great great.

NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FELT ON THE LAST WEEK  AND THE WEEK OF MY PROFESSIONAL EXAMS II and NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. 
Two totally different feelings, each at opposite end of the spectrum.


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU GOD! x 1000000.

Faith is all I have

Lord, grant me the strength to go through these 3 weeks. I know I haven't been the most obedient daughter to You. But one thing I always have is Faith in you. I trust you more than I trust myself. Without Your grace, without You, I am nothing. Grant me strength, grant me peace, grant me wisdom, empower me with Your love and Holy Spirit. I am telling myself I can do this because I have You, I am Your daughter. And that is the only thing that is guiding and pushing me through this challenging time.

I am like a tightly-wound guitar string that is being wound up tighter and tighter as the day goes by, threatening to snap anytime.

KEEP IT TOGETHER! TRUST IN GOD!