I am sorry I can't miss you more

There are times when I think I can do it without you. But there are times like today when i miss you terribly and don't think i don't think I can make it without you. I open my eyes today and forgot for a second that you are gone. I thought of calling you today to ask you how was Sunday mass, to tell you how stressed I am about my exams on Tuesday. I want to hear your voice and to hear you telling me that I can do it and to tell me not to be stressed and just go and try my best. Thoughout my life as a student, whenever I told you how afraid and worried I was about my exams, I could hear it in your voice that u had faith in me, that u always thought I could do well in my exams. I didn realized until now how important your belief and your trust are to me and how they actually serve as motivation for me to go on and embark on my undertakings. 

Since the day you are gone, i tell myself that I do not want to live to a ripe old age. I just want to live till my 60s maybe so that I can go and meet you soon. I still am afraid of death. I am afraid of death of the people around me, of the people that I love because I don't think I can deal again with another loss. But I no longer am afraid of my own death because I could go and meet you soon. 

In the past, whenever I heard of other people's passing, I could sympathise. But I never could empathize. It was always OTHER people and not my own and so i could never truly feel. But now, I could really empathise with the family of my patients who passed away, with my friend whose father just passed away. 

Tears used to be rare. My friends used to call me Ice Queen last time because i don't cry, i didn cry when attended funerals last time. It was just heard for me to tear. I am like a leaking tap these days, and tears seem to come freely and sometimes without me realizing whenever the thought of you comes. 

I want to miss you and think of you but I am sorry that I have to suppress the thought of you most of the time. Whenever I think of you gone....I just can't seem to go on. 

And please make me dream of you. I enjoyed going on a holiday with you in my dream the last time.