Transition & Adjustment

OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU, MY DEAR BLOG!

So much has happened in these 2 weeks. I underwent and am still undergoing one of the major transitions in life- from student to working adult.

The whole world must know by now that I got Paeds as my first posting. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to enter Paeds later on, when I am more competent and experienced because I wanted to do really well in that department and maximize my learning there. Oh well, God has a better plan. And I am starting to see the  upside of it.

Most of my colleagues are nice and kind enough to show me what I don't know. I am incredibly grateful to 2 of my new colleagues, Soo and Lim, who have taught me the most. Being new, I have no idea what I am supposed to know and what I don't know. Both of them have been telling and teaching me the essentials of what a HO must know. So, so far I am surviving thanks to the knowledge they have imparted to me.

Found a fabulous house to stay. It's exactly what I hope for with a reasonable price. Again, it might be a blessing in disguise that I didn't get a place in the hospital quarters.

Loving the kids in Paeds. Witnessed Salaam fits after many rantings from Dr Selim in the past. And being a doctor now, I don't feel like as if I am a space-occupying lesion in the ward. Now, I have every right to walk where I want in the ward, flip the case note, write in the case note and examine the patients. And my favourite of all...procedures.. I am still grabbing every opportunity I can to practise and master blood-taking in Paeds.

But it's not all a bed of roses. I feel like I am walking into a landmine everyday when I go to work. Any moment, I could have done the wrong thing or miss an important sign or symptom in a patient, calculated the wrong medication dosages, stepped on the foot of any colleague or MO or specialist and be extended.. And in JB, thanks to everyone's reminder, I am at high risk of being a robbery or snatch theft victim or worse. So every morning when I stepped out of my room, the stress level starts to mount.

I really have to learn to take things easy. I am putting so much stress on myself unnecessarily. And I really have to learn to trust God more then perhaps, I would have more peace. Everyday, after work, when I got into my car, the first thing I do is to thank God that a day has passed where I didn't screw things up, that I was an okay doctor today, that I didn't cost a life.

Night call today..and 2 days off the following days. Time to unwind and relax after tonight!!!

Know myself

The priest asked me today..."If I were to ask you to name 3 good qualities about yourself, what would they be?" It took me lots of "Err... Ah.... Eee" before I could muster up my first quality. And it turned out that it wasn't a quality, that what I have said did not count as a good quality. In a nutshell, I was unable to name, on the spot, even one good quality about myself. If it were to be a job interview, I would have failed MISERABLY.

The take-home message from Father to me was "Know myself. Don't let me be a stumbling block to myself.. Be thankful for what I AM." 

It seems I have plenty of self- reflection and soul- searching to do.


In the end, Father had to name one good quality OF ME. LOL..And he said "Intelligence". From his point of view, that is one good quality of me. He was surprised I didn't say that. When he mentioned that, I was surprised at myself for not thinking about that. I think that I have taken lots of things for granted. I have taken my own intelligence for granted, all my good qualities for granted when I should be thankful for them. So I thought long and hard (well, not that long and hard actually) and came up with these. The pathetic thing is that I couldn't think of anything else to add in.. :( Are these my only good qualities?

MY GOOD QUALITIES:-

INTELLIGENCE

DILIGENCE

DOWN-TO-EARTH

RECEPTIVE AND OPEN-MINDED

EAGERNESS AND WILLINGNESS TO LEARN

RATIONAL

TIDY AND SYSTEMATIC

LEADERSHIP SKILLS

ABILITY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER

LOYALTY

I was also advised to dwell on the positive emotions. One good and bad thing about me is that I am too aware of my negative feelings that I tend to dwell on them. For example, when I am jealous or envious or disrespectful, I am aware of those feelings when I am feeling it. I am aware that what I am feeling is a negative feeling. So, in the end, I end up dwelling on that, beating myself about the fact that I am such a terrible person for being jealous, envious, disrespectful etc etc. In a way, my OVER-AWARENESS of my own emotions, which is supposed to be a good thing, turns out making things worse. 

That is why I have to KNOW MYSELF. Know that I am not a terrible person. That I am a person with all the good qualities above and dwell on them instead. Focus on the positive emotions. And I still have time to do that because as a person gets older, it becomes harder to change. If you are always an angry person and continues to focus on that, you will of course, continue to be this angry person and even your face changes and takes on an angry expression. So that negative emotion will consume you. And then people don't like you, you sink into depression etc etc...

Father mentioned stuff like cortisol, hippocampus, memory loss, emotions....I was impressed by him, by what a priest actually knows. Within that few minutes, he has touched on anatomy, physiology and some aspects of psychology and psychiatry, not to mention spirituality. WOW! No wonder priests have to study for 7 years.