I still love Paeds

The mortality meeting went well. God is great! I was cool, steady and calm. I presented the case well, with fluent English, appropriate pace and a matter-of-fact, emotionless tone. Everyone was looking at my face, expecting me to break down at any moment. I did not even feel close to crying or breaking down BECAUSE I felt God by my side. I could really feel his presence, accompanying me, standing by my side. It was just a miracle.

The specialists did not give me a hard time. They did not question me much. My HOD even defended me. All in all, everything went well.

A week later, I was doing night round with a specialist. He brought up the matter and I was somewhat irritated at first. In the end, he was actually quite encouraging. He told me that everyone will encounter this, it's just a matter of time. Some go through this later and in my case, I went through this earlier. And it might even be a good thing that I went through this earlier. He said maybe after this incident, I might be inspired to be a Paeds cardiologist. Kinda lol..  Another MO, who was present during the round as well, was also very encouraging. He told me that it's important not to let this hold me back.

THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. 

I am well aware that I am now quite infamous in the department. And because of this, I instinctively try harder to prove myself. To prove that I am a worthy doctor. That I am not a bad doctor. Because, unlike others, people now will tend to find fault with me, to find a mistake or a weakness that they can pinpoint at me. I don't blame them. After all, such a reaction is only human and doctors are mere humans.

I have come to terms with the fact, the fact that the incident has happened and that things happen for a reason. Again, I thank God for this challenge. In retrospect, it is a blessing that I went through this so soon and in this department where the bosses are nice. If this were to happen later and in another department, the consequences would have been more dreadful.

Time flies. I will be finishing my placement in Paeds medical and transferring to Neonate soon. Neonate ward will be even busier and more challenging.

Despite all that has happened, being a first poster in Paeds groping my way around in the dark, feeling clueless and like a complete idiot, despite this adjustment period, I am certain about three things:

 I LOVE MY JOB.

 I LOVE BEING A DOCTOR. 

I STILL LOVE PAEDS. 

The last post is an understatement compared to this

I thought I was in deep shit 2 weekends ago. Boy, that was peanuts compared to what happened 2 days ago. I was flung so suddenly and so violently into this pile of mess. 

I am a one-month-old houseman. I haven't got the chance to attend a mortality meeting before. I will be attending my first mortality meeting tomorrow and guess what? I will be presenting. I will be presenting in my first ever mortality meeting and need I add, in front of 2 heads of departments, all the consultants and specialists, all the MOs and all my colleagues. 

There is no word to describe what I am feeling and what I am about the feel tomorrow. Everything that I was feeling since 2 days ago will be amplified 10 times tomorrow. I just hope my knees will not give way from shaking too much or my fingers will not shake so much that I couldn't press the keyboard. And most of all, I hope that I will not betray myself and start crying. 

Some colleagues have been nice and helpful. My HOD requested to meet me first thing in the morning today. It's a miracle I could still sleep last night. But it turns out, he just wanted to ask me how am I feeling, if I am feeling depressed and if I could continue working. Thank you for the concern Dr. In view of what has happened, I never thought that you would still have time to think of my wellbeing. So I am truly touched. Another MO whom I have only met once gave me a pat on the back. It wasn't much but it is an encouragement to me. In times like this, what I need most is ENCOURAGEMENT, not sympathy and not even comfort. 

I know I will survive tomorrow. God will not give us challenges that we can't overcome. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't stem my fear. As usual, trying to numb myself so that I won't have to think or feel anything. I have been thinking so much that I don't know what to think anymore. 

Thank God for that mistake

I finally screwed up. I have been anticipating the day when I would have my first screw-up. Better to get it over with. And now I am actually relieved. I am nuts but that's just me. It's like the first time you step foot on a land mine. You know there will come a time when you will be blasted and so you wait in anticipation and the anxiety of waiting can be excruciating. But when you have actually stepped on one and the first explosion has gone off, immediately the stress and anxiety of waiting and anticipating disappear. It's not to say that I won't ever be afraid of making mistakes anymore. It's just that when I have committed one and have actually experienced the whole thing, it puts me more at ease because the next time it happens, I'll know what it feels like, I'll know how to cope with it. I'll know that it's not that difficult to get back up from the fall, not as difficult as I have imagined. And that I will survive because I have survived one before.

No, I didn't cost a life, in case you are wondering. Just some things which I could have done better . And it wasn't because, I was negligent or stupid or lazy but simply because I have no experience whatsover. It was my first time dealing with such a case although I have read multiple times about it in the textbook. But needless to say, theory and practical are worlds apart. And no matter how many times you have read and imagined the scenario, nothing is ever the same when you actually see one in real life. All information you think you know and you have so carefully memorized seem to have flown out of your mind.

Oh well, that mistake was a valuable mistake and I did learn from it as I have expected to. In fact, the next day, I got to apply what I have learned on another patient who came in with almost similar presentation.

Thank God for that screw up?