Nonchalant, ignorant and irresponsible

PMS-Ing!!! Was so short tempered yesterday and just flew into a rage(s). There were supposed to be 4 people working in my team yesterday and after my friend and I had done our morning round, we realized that 2 of our colleagues were missing. They still hadn't arrived for work at 8am. We start work at 7am.

So I called HO A. He apologized and told me that he would be late due to car problems.. Fair enough., good enough a reason. But I still gave him a piece of mind for not informing us, his colleagues and I even did that on our department whatsapp group (of course our whatsapp group only consists of ho, no mo or specialist in it). 

Then I called HO B. No one picked up the phone. I whatsapp her in our group chat again but no reply . I guess she isn't in our group chat. And she didn have the courtesy to inform that she wasn't coming to work. Even when she came to work today, she just acted as if nothing happened. I mean come on, where is your sense of responsibility and teamwork. No respect for your colleagues. 

And the weird thing is Ho A actually called B to tell her he ll be late and she just said okay. And then she herself didn come to work. I mean why the hell would you say okay when you are planning not to come to work. Really cannot fathom what is in these people s minds.

Later on in the day, HO A went to read a venous blood gas for a patient and I was wondering an hour later why he didn come to show us the results. I was thinking that the result must be normal. Since he is a first poster, I went and checked the vbg result just to make sure it was okay. I got a shock. The vbg shows severe metabolic acidosis with a ph of 7.22 and a HCO3 of 8! We took the vbg because the patient s blood sugar was very high and we were worried of diabetic ketoacidosis. 

I realized that that result doesn correlate with the patient clinically as the patient was very well and comfortable and no symptoms of DKA. It was either the abg machine was faulty which is something very common in our hospital or that the result doesn belong to the patient.

What angered me the most was that HO A failed to see the significane of the terrible vbg results. If that is really the result of a patient we would have to intubAte the patient immediately. I called him and half shouted at him. For not recognizing the severity of such a vbg result. For not recognizing that it must have been an inaccurate result for that patient. For failing to at least ask us or show us the results and simply just leave the results in the case note without doing anything.

As expected it turns out he doesn't know how to interpret a blood gas result. I cooled down after that and sat him down and taught him slowly how to interpret blood gas results. I even turned the oxford handbook page to the acid base balance chapter and asked him to read. And guess what he said? 

"Eunice I have 2 of these books in my car but I cannot read la.. I just cannot.." 

Me: Why cannot read?

HO A: Arrr..aiya.. My English is not very good.. I cannot read la. 

I really hope he takes an effort to improve and learn. If not, his nonchalance and ignorance and irresponsibility are going to cost many lives.

Another incident that sparked off my anger .. Yes, I m not done yet.. I found out 2 of my patients' specimen, one was a blood specimen and another was a specimen from the patient's abdominal drain, weren't sent to the lab since Thursday. We kept tracing the results and just couldn't get the results. We collected the patient s abdominal drain for 4 consecutive days because of that. And I found out that all the specimens were still in the ward and not sent. I just flipped. I saw a ppk and just complained to her. 

Aiyo.. All these may seem like trivial matters but they angered me a lot. I just don't understand why people can work like tHat. They just can't be bothered. Stressed betul working with such people. 

And perhaps the PMS is also another contributing factor for my short fuse. 

Short bursts of happiness

Trying very hard not to feel depressed. The time right before work is always worse as the thought of going to that hellhole is just well, depressing. But when it' s time to go home, I would always feel happy. And I always feel good during my off days. But not anymore recently. During my off days, I find that I am feeling a bit down too. Nope,that can't do! Refused to let stupid O&G defeat me although I know this is going to be a tough battle since the new shift system is out and it involves us working for even longer hours.

And so I am trying to give myself short bursts of happiness here and there to counter that depressed feeling. Forced myself to come to the mall today and just hang out. Kinda missed Nadiah who would always be there for me in Uni. She seemed to be able to sense it whenever I was feeling down. She would ask me out for shopping or a movie or a nice meal or go eat some really sinful cakes/ ice cream/ chocolate.

Although there is no replacement for a good friend, I thank God for a new company, for bringing him into my life.

We went for a little road trip to Desaru, my suggestion, of course. Need to get out of town for a bit..so sick of work and the hospital and the town.

                                                       

The desaru beach was surprisingly quite clean and nice.

                                           

                 

Ostrich farm                                         

It's really not bad. They have guides and every few minutes there'll 

be someone giving a talk and introduction about ostriches. 

                                         

                                           

                               

The ostrich egg is hugeeee! We have been told that an ostrich egg is equivalent to 25 chicken eggs! Guess how do you open an ostrich egg? They used a drill! 

I have a photo of me standing on 2 ostrich eggs but I don't have the photo with me. It's quite amazing how big and hard an ostrich egg is. 

We tried the ostrich satay. If you want to visit the farm, I suggest you go with an empty stomach because there are a variety of ostrich meat products for you to try- fried ostrich eggs, ostrich bak kut teh (lol?!), ostrich satay, ostrich steak, ostrich meat curry etc etc. Too bad we already had lunch before we went there.

And if you're lucky, you'll get to witness some extra scenes like ostrich copulating.. Haha.. We were lucky. 

What a shit place I'm in!

I am not happy. There are temporary short bursts of happiness on and off but the baseline feeling that I feel is :( . It' s not something chronic, just started to have this feeling since 2-3 weeks ago. Sigh... I feel so exhausted mentally. Of course the root of this crappy feeling is O&G. Working in this department in this hospital just sucks beyond words. The work that never ends, that's one thing. And you walk and breathe stealthily afraid that any move of yours might cost the life of both a mother and  her baby. And then you will be punished and what punishment could be worse than having to spend another few months in this posting- Extension. Just thinking  of it gives me sleepless nights (not literally of course, most days I just come home and konked off  'cuz I am burned out by the time I reach home)

I know I shouldn't be such a baby considering all specialists and MOs now are relatively so much nicer than the previous ones, at least that's what I've heard. After work everyday, you have that feeling of unease, worrying that throughout out your shift you might have done something wrong or not written something properly. Documentation is of utmost importance in O&G. Improper documentation could jeopardize their job. I understand, I really do. Every perinatal mortality and morbidity contributes directly to the national statistics. That is why everyone in O&G is so paranoid and obsessive about documentation. And if I remember correctly, perinatal mortality and morbidity is one of the statistics used to determine how developed a country is.

All this stress, worry, trepidation, work are slowly taking its toil on me. A few specialists saw my face a few times during work and they said "Why do you look like you're going to cry?" I didn't know my face is so easily readable. And I thought that I could hide my feelings well. I thought wrong.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................................

It's not that bad when I'm working because I don't have the time to feel and think. The most difficult moment is when I wake up, knowing I have to go to work. That feeling of dread is not a nice feeling. I want to enjoy this posting, enjoy doing the procedures and enjoy handling the emergencies. But how can anyone enjoy learning in such an environment. Whenever there is an emergency or a mortality you start praying that you have nothing to do with that case. They will read every single word written in the case file and identify any possible mistake. So whether it's a case that you've clerked today or 2 months ago, you better start praying that your patient never gets into any problem ever. I appreciated the mistakes that I have made because one thing commendable about O&G is that they teach and so I always learn from my mistakes. But any mistake in their eyes is also deserving of an extension. Whatever we do is wrong, whatever we don't do is also wrong.

It's a huge big pile of shit we are in. We, meaning, all of us in O&G. Arghhhh.. Damn shit la... Cannot tahan...

A compassionate patient

I have this patient who was so worried for my colleagues' and my young adulthood. She asked me "Doctor, you all semua nampak macam teenagers. You all ada tak masa untuk pergi tengok wayang and shopping. Mak cik risau la..."

Another time, I wanted to take her blood in the evening.

Me: Mak cik, nak ambil darah eh..

Patient: Boleh doktor, boleh. Asalkan doktor boleh duduk. Mak cik tengok kamu ni always on your toes,  

            tak pernah duduk. 

(Me taking her blood while standing.)

Patient: Doktor, duduk lah cepat...At least you dapat duduk sekejap.

As she was a chronic patient, she was in the ward for quite some time and witnessed us slogging like a bull.

Another time, she commented "Doktor, saya rasa kalau mak kamu tengok kamu macam ini, mesti dia sedih dan susah hati."

She frequently asked me whether have I eaten. Initially I find her talkative and demanding. But towards the end, her compassion touched me. And her abrupt comments daily made me smile in the midst of my stress.

I don't think I'll have wrinkles later in life because I am sure that my face is so contorted and tense from all the stress that I am feeling almost every day that my skin will have no chance to sag. LOL. I used to think that my face is unreadable and that I can hide my feelings quite well. But lately I noticed that I have been quite readable. There were several times that the people around me noticed and commented that I look so stressed or tired etc etc and at those times, they were spot on correct.

These few days have been crazy. There seem to be a huge surge in the number of females getting sick. My ward is so bloody full, like crazy full. Ladies, please take care of yourselves! We don't want to out-win the guys in this aspect.

I really saved a life this time

The new year's eve of 2013-  31.12.12 - will always be a memorable day for me.

I was working night shift on that day. And I saved a life. Literally. I mean I am a doctor. Technically my job is to save lives, or so they tell me. But the way I see, it's more like preventing people from dying everyday. Patients with acute coronary syndrome, we start them on S/C Fondaparinux etc etc...it treats and prevents them from another attack, and thus preventing their death and complications. 

But on 31.12.12....Oh wait, it happened at 5ish am, so it was already 1.1.2013. Hmm... Well, a memorable New Year's Day then. My colleague and I were clerking a new case that came in at about 0430. The staff nurse was measuring the blood pressure of the patient right next to us and found the patient unresponsive. I attended immediately and found absent pulse. Started CPR stat. Well, of all the resuscitations that I have done in medical so far, 7 out of 10 were patients with DIL NAR (technically no CPR is done if it's NAR) And well, all of the patients that I have resuscitated so far in my 5 weeks of medical posting ended up LO, so much so that when I was resuscitating this patient, I was prepared for her demise. It's terrible I know, but an asystole patient or a patient that is almost gone really, really looks very dead...I sound very crude but it's true. They looked so dead that at the back of mind in the midst resuscitation, I was so certain that they would just pass on. 

And so my colleague and I were taking turns doing CPR while waiting for the MO. MO came, proceeded to the next step of resuscitation using drugs....and so on. Meanwhile the cardiac monitor was showing a flat line, SpO2 27%. And then after 15-20 minutes, PULSE. THERE WAS A PULSE. THE CARDIAC MONITOR WAS ALIVE AGAIN SHOWING REGULAR HEART BEAT, and I could still remember, the heart beat I saw was 126bpm. We stopped the CPR and the pulse remained and stayed strong. I didn't feel the impact of what I had done until after everything, my MO said to me,

"Thanks a lot for just now. Your CPR saved the patient's life." 

And these words kept repeating itself in my mind the whole day. I literally, really brought a patient back from the dead, brought a patient back to life! My CPR works! My resuscitation works! My judgement and decision while waiting for the MO were correct and accurate! I was in awe! Wow, CPR actually works?!!!

I was so inspired, so motivated, so touched.

My hope is renewed. My faith in CPR is renewed. I will not merely do resuscitation for the sake of resuscitating. From now on, I will be resuscitating my patients with a renewed vigour, with a fighting spirit. I will fight for my patients because who else can they trust to fight for them, if not me?!

Thank you God for this great lesson. Thank you Dr H for your encouragement. To that patient, and all my patients, Thank you because I have learned and am still learning so much from you, through you.


*DIL= Death in line
*NAR= Not for active resuscitation

Falling into routine

I'm falling into the routine as a houseman in medical. As expected, I had some trouble adjusting in the first week. The first week when I was tagging was like hell on earth. The long hours, the never ever ending tasks even when I was working from 5ish am to 11pm.

Towards my second week, I started to speed up and got used to the pace. No longer do I waste my time with self-pity, instead I just work work and work with the aim to finish my job and go back on time. Yes, my daily aim, OUR DAILY AIM, THE DAILY AIM of every HO in medical is to be able to go back on time. And on the rare occasions that I get to go back on time, I would always be quite hesitant and start thinking of any task which I may have missed or forgotten. 

I am very blessed. I work in a ward where my specialist and MO are great. They are nice and chilled. So it makes work somewhat easier in a way. And we have a surge of HO in medical now so we have enough army to fight the battle everyday. My colleagues are great and competent too.

Everything is working out at the moment. 

And of course, TGIL is making me smile for no reason everyday. I am happy. 

*TGIL= The Guy I Like  *sheepish grin*

Distressed but smiling

In medical now.

Busy as hell.

Life sucks.

Shed a few tears yesterday.

Came back and prayed like mad.

Night shift was much better. I felt much better.

Went for a second date today. Laughed so hard at a few hilarious stories.

Going to bed with a smile. 

Though I do not know the outcome, I am grateful for the moment, at the moment. For the many conversations with you. For the handphone beeps that signaled your daily messages. Each of this beep always makes me smile, even in moments of distress while at work, especially when I need to feel a slight inclination to smile to dispel some of my distress. And it always works. I thank God for your current presence in my life. And I hope and pray we will have a good outcome :)

My heart wept

We have an abandoned baby today. He was found in a tupperware and abandoned in a public toilet.

My heart wept for him.

He is such a beautiful baby, so round and handsome...really a handsome beautiful baby boy with such beautiful eyes complete with the double eye lids. And a dimple. Yes, you guessed right. I have been cuddling him for 15-20 minutes, just staring at him, mesmerized by his innocence, beauty and cuteness.

HOW...JUST HOW....TELL ME HOW....HOW CAN ANYONE ABANDON SUCH A BABY because I can't bear to put him down myself. If there hadn't been a new case for me to clerk, I would have just held on to him for a full one hour until I had to knock off from work.

How can anyone abandon their own baby, for that matter, cute or not?! They are your own flesh and blood, your cells and genes, YOU make them and bring them to this cruel place we call Earth. Instead of protecting them from the harshness and cruelties of life, you throw them to the wild, defenseless and leave them to fend for themselves. It is no better than murdering your own children.

I feel so helpless. What can I do to help this baby? What can I do to help all the abandoned babies out there? What can I do to prevent or reduce the cases of abandoned babies? I hope I can do something, I wish I can do something. I vow that I will do something probably not now, but in the future, when I am in the position of more power/ respect/ status. Or anyone has any suggestion of anything that I can do now?

Arrghh...it's frustrating and saddening at the same time!

Fascinated

Night shift last night was good...The most relaxing night I have ever had since I entered Block A...All previous night shifts were so busy that I hardly had time to sit. So I went home fairly bright-eyed this morning.

I used to prefer toddlers over babies because I think toddlers can respond and communicate with you..Toddlers are more responsive. Babies just sleep and cry and don't respond to you. Being in neonate now, I am totally fascinated by babies. Like last night, there was this new admission and this baby had the weirdest cry that I couldn't stop laughing. Even the nurse commented to the baby "Pelik lah awak...nangis macam ni...sampai doktor (referring to me) geli hati, ketawa macam tu" Hahaha... I just couldn't describe how the baby cried but it was so weird and funny at the same time. 

How do babies, newborns/ neonates to be exact, fascinate me? Hmm....As I have mentioned, the very fact that such a small 'thing' could sustain and contain a LIFE is itself fascinating to me. Plus each of them is so different. They may be tiny but they definitely have a personality of their own. Each of their cry is different. They respond differently. I used to think babies look the same but now I am starting to distinguish them and I think each of them definitely looks different with their unique personality. One thing that never fails to make me smile is seeing a baby smile in his/her sleep. Sometimes I would be just minding my own business, busy taking blood or writing in the case note when I would look up and see this baby smiling in his/her sleep, occasionally with a dimpled smile. It just makes me S.M.I.L.E. Or that they will be sleeping nicely and then suddenly they will startle and start crying. That makes me laugh too. I am wondering what is actually going on in their minds. Can they think already? What are they thinking? Can they dream already? Are they having such a nice dream that it makes them smile in their sleep? I also like to make fun of them using the rooting reflex. When they are hungry and you start stroking the side of their mouth, their mouth will open like a goldfish and start searching out our finger to suck on. 

I complain sometimes of how tired I am, how difficult work is...bla bla bla...but when I think of these innocent little ones, these tiny beings that make me smile, these Heaven-sent gifts that are sometimes born prematurely or born with so many problems, these bundles of joy that sometimes turn out to bring more tears of sadness rather than joy, I stop complaining. How could I? 

Dark clouds

As long as we are alive and living, it is inevitable that we have to associate, communicate and interact with others. Those who say that they can live alone without others are big fat liars. Individuals make up a family and families make up a community and communities make up a society and societies make up a nation or a country and well, nations and countries make up this world, this life here on earth.

And being an individual living on this earth, my happiness, sorrow, peace and feelings are influenced by my surroundings, other than myself. My family’s problems have the biggest impact on me, my friends’ wellbeing can sometimes affect my mood too, and what happens in my society, community and country may also shift my affect (psychiatric term..ehem..) and mood from one end of the spectrum to another.

And so, a colleague of mine was punished today and you all know in housemanship what being punished means. It was a silly silly and miniscule reason that is totally undeserving of the punishment being meted out. Not to mention she is one of the most competent, knowledgeable and hardworking HO I have ever met. It is so unfair. I know the world is an unfair place but one can still hope.

I feel  down too. Her eyes are all swollen from crying and I can see that the tears were still threatening to fall. Without any hint of condescension, I can say I totally understand her feelings because I was through the same hell not so long ago.

The thing is, during housemanship, nothing and I mean nothing is absolutely safe and stable.  Wherever you are, whatever you do, whoever you talk to, whatever that comes out of your mouth can be a reason for punishment. Just when you think you are beginning to ease into the routine and settle down, something happens that throw you so out of proportion that you are not even sure you can get back up. I am only a first poster, only 2 months into my job and probably should not be so proud as to sound like I know it all...the housemanship life. But then again, perhaps it is because I am so new that I have all the more right to say this because I am still fresh and still remember what life is like BEFORE I cross that bridge and enter into this entirely different world. My best friend just told me she got shouted at by her consultant in front of everyone in that goddamn ward. I can only sigh because this is the kind of life we have signed up for, at least for now.

Children

Neonates are scary...these fragile little things, especially the premature babies. Of the many times I hold their hands tightly to take blood, I am so afraid that I might break something. It's a miracle how these tiny forms (the premature babies) could sustain such a big thing as LIFE.

Working in Paeds has been really enjoyable. I don't understand how people can dislike kids. They are just lovely, adorable, irresistible-to-love beings. Okay some really spoiled kids can be really annoying. I see why they refer a newborn as A BUNDLE OF JOY. If only I am allowed to take photos in the neonate ward, I would have taken photos everyday. The little babies are wrapped so snugly into a bundle...and BUNDLE is really the word for it. When I am free, I would go around and just meraba them. I see now how a woman can give up her career after having children. I was holding a baby today and just staring at him sleep and he is not even my baby!
.
But it can be very crushing emotionally to see the very ill babies or babies born with syndromes or diseases. If I could ask God for one thing, I would ask God to spare all children any suffering or diseases..maybe short term disease is fine but just not long term sufferings and diseases.

When a colleague of mine broke news to a father that his baby has Down's syndrome, he just burst into tears. We see babies with Down's syndrome almost everyday. It's just such a common thing to me that it never occurred to me that it is a very wrenching news to the parents. The sufferings, sacrifices and strengths of parents with chronically-ill children are just immense and unimaginable to me. We greet them at least 3 times a day and ask them the same standard things "Baby active tak? Makan minum bagus? Kencing ada kurang? Berak macam biasa? and they could still find it in them to smile and answer our questions patiently (most of them, anyway) despite all that they are going through. A few mothers have already stayed for months in the hospital with their child and still remain cheerful and optimistic. How do they do it? They are heroes to me...these mothers.

They say parenthood changes you. I am sure it does. I hear your world begins to revolve around your child and your child will always come first above all else. I don't doubt this. If one day God chooses me to be a mother, I hope I can be a mother that is worthy of my child.

I still love Paeds

The mortality meeting went well. God is great! I was cool, steady and calm. I presented the case well, with fluent English, appropriate pace and a matter-of-fact, emotionless tone. Everyone was looking at my face, expecting me to break down at any moment. I did not even feel close to crying or breaking down BECAUSE I felt God by my side. I could really feel his presence, accompanying me, standing by my side. It was just a miracle.

The specialists did not give me a hard time. They did not question me much. My HOD even defended me. All in all, everything went well.

A week later, I was doing night round with a specialist. He brought up the matter and I was somewhat irritated at first. In the end, he was actually quite encouraging. He told me that everyone will encounter this, it's just a matter of time. Some go through this later and in my case, I went through this earlier. And it might even be a good thing that I went through this earlier. He said maybe after this incident, I might be inspired to be a Paeds cardiologist. Kinda lol..  Another MO, who was present during the round as well, was also very encouraging. He told me that it's important not to let this hold me back.

THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. 

I am well aware that I am now quite infamous in the department. And because of this, I instinctively try harder to prove myself. To prove that I am a worthy doctor. That I am not a bad doctor. Because, unlike others, people now will tend to find fault with me, to find a mistake or a weakness that they can pinpoint at me. I don't blame them. After all, such a reaction is only human and doctors are mere humans.

I have come to terms with the fact, the fact that the incident has happened and that things happen for a reason. Again, I thank God for this challenge. In retrospect, it is a blessing that I went through this so soon and in this department where the bosses are nice. If this were to happen later and in another department, the consequences would have been more dreadful.

Time flies. I will be finishing my placement in Paeds medical and transferring to Neonate soon. Neonate ward will be even busier and more challenging.

Despite all that has happened, being a first poster in Paeds groping my way around in the dark, feeling clueless and like a complete idiot, despite this adjustment period, I am certain about three things:

 I LOVE MY JOB.

 I LOVE BEING A DOCTOR. 

I STILL LOVE PAEDS. 

The last post is an understatement compared to this

I thought I was in deep shit 2 weekends ago. Boy, that was peanuts compared to what happened 2 days ago. I was flung so suddenly and so violently into this pile of mess. 

I am a one-month-old houseman. I haven't got the chance to attend a mortality meeting before. I will be attending my first mortality meeting tomorrow and guess what? I will be presenting. I will be presenting in my first ever mortality meeting and need I add, in front of 2 heads of departments, all the consultants and specialists, all the MOs and all my colleagues. 

There is no word to describe what I am feeling and what I am about the feel tomorrow. Everything that I was feeling since 2 days ago will be amplified 10 times tomorrow. I just hope my knees will not give way from shaking too much or my fingers will not shake so much that I couldn't press the keyboard. And most of all, I hope that I will not betray myself and start crying. 

Some colleagues have been nice and helpful. My HOD requested to meet me first thing in the morning today. It's a miracle I could still sleep last night. But it turns out, he just wanted to ask me how am I feeling, if I am feeling depressed and if I could continue working. Thank you for the concern Dr. In view of what has happened, I never thought that you would still have time to think of my wellbeing. So I am truly touched. Another MO whom I have only met once gave me a pat on the back. It wasn't much but it is an encouragement to me. In times like this, what I need most is ENCOURAGEMENT, not sympathy and not even comfort. 

I know I will survive tomorrow. God will not give us challenges that we can't overcome. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't stem my fear. As usual, trying to numb myself so that I won't have to think or feel anything. I have been thinking so much that I don't know what to think anymore. 

Thank God for that mistake

I finally screwed up. I have been anticipating the day when I would have my first screw-up. Better to get it over with. And now I am actually relieved. I am nuts but that's just me. It's like the first time you step foot on a land mine. You know there will come a time when you will be blasted and so you wait in anticipation and the anxiety of waiting can be excruciating. But when you have actually stepped on one and the first explosion has gone off, immediately the stress and anxiety of waiting and anticipating disappear. It's not to say that I won't ever be afraid of making mistakes anymore. It's just that when I have committed one and have actually experienced the whole thing, it puts me more at ease because the next time it happens, I'll know what it feels like, I'll know how to cope with it. I'll know that it's not that difficult to get back up from the fall, not as difficult as I have imagined. And that I will survive because I have survived one before.

No, I didn't cost a life, in case you are wondering. Just some things which I could have done better . And it wasn't because, I was negligent or stupid or lazy but simply because I have no experience whatsover. It was my first time dealing with such a case although I have read multiple times about it in the textbook. But needless to say, theory and practical are worlds apart. And no matter how many times you have read and imagined the scenario, nothing is ever the same when you actually see one in real life. All information you think you know and you have so carefully memorized seem to have flown out of your mind.

Oh well, that mistake was a valuable mistake and I did learn from it as I have expected to. In fact, the next day, I got to apply what I have learned on another patient who came in with almost similar presentation.

Thank God for that screw up?

Transition & Adjustment

OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU, MY DEAR BLOG!

So much has happened in these 2 weeks. I underwent and am still undergoing one of the major transitions in life- from student to working adult.

The whole world must know by now that I got Paeds as my first posting. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to enter Paeds later on, when I am more competent and experienced because I wanted to do really well in that department and maximize my learning there. Oh well, God has a better plan. And I am starting to see the  upside of it.

Most of my colleagues are nice and kind enough to show me what I don't know. I am incredibly grateful to 2 of my new colleagues, Soo and Lim, who have taught me the most. Being new, I have no idea what I am supposed to know and what I don't know. Both of them have been telling and teaching me the essentials of what a HO must know. So, so far I am surviving thanks to the knowledge they have imparted to me.

Found a fabulous house to stay. It's exactly what I hope for with a reasonable price. Again, it might be a blessing in disguise that I didn't get a place in the hospital quarters.

Loving the kids in Paeds. Witnessed Salaam fits after many rantings from Dr Selim in the past. And being a doctor now, I don't feel like as if I am a space-occupying lesion in the ward. Now, I have every right to walk where I want in the ward, flip the case note, write in the case note and examine the patients. And my favourite of all...procedures.. I am still grabbing every opportunity I can to practise and master blood-taking in Paeds.

But it's not all a bed of roses. I feel like I am walking into a landmine everyday when I go to work. Any moment, I could have done the wrong thing or miss an important sign or symptom in a patient, calculated the wrong medication dosages, stepped on the foot of any colleague or MO or specialist and be extended.. And in JB, thanks to everyone's reminder, I am at high risk of being a robbery or snatch theft victim or worse. So every morning when I stepped out of my room, the stress level starts to mount.

I really have to learn to take things easy. I am putting so much stress on myself unnecessarily. And I really have to learn to trust God more then perhaps, I would have more peace. Everyday, after work, when I got into my car, the first thing I do is to thank God that a day has passed where I didn't screw things up, that I was an okay doctor today, that I didn't cost a life.

Night call today..and 2 days off the following days. Time to unwind and relax after tonight!!!