DREAD

I am feeling so wary, so anxious, so worried, so strung up and so tired just thinking and feeling this jumble of emotions. I am in Medicine Posting, THE core posting where we have to learn everything under the sky, everything that is not under surgery, OBGYN and paeds is under Medicine. I realise the vast amount of knowledge that I have to make sure I learn and master within these 6 weeks and that is why I am worried and tired just thinking of it. Although I am already in my final year, that doesn't make it easier. In fact, I am still feeling lost, despite doing this for the past 4 years. I don't know where to start, how to start. I am thinking of making a timetable so that I will balance my time well between all specialties to optimize my learning, but then again, I am not a timetable person. I hate timetables.

Ironically for someone who hates timetables, I am know spending an awful lot of time scrutinizing the posting schedule that I believe I might develop a squint. Yes, I am the leader of this posting and that is why I am all strung up and wary. I am willing to put in my best so that I will be a good leader for my group but I am worried that I will fail.

Usually, after unloading my thoughts here, I would feel much better. But this time, I don't. I don't know why but all I feel is a sense of DREAD. And it's not even Professional Exams yet.

Accept & Respect

Will you choose an option that is the most favorable and ideal for you but that you know is unfair to the rest or Will you choose an option that is not as ideal to your liking but is fair to everyone? Will you make a decision based on what YOU WANT or what you think IS RIGHT? 

Will you sacrifice so that things can be fair and square for everyone? 

The argument is that Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Somebody has to suffer. Somebody has to sacrifice, so why should it be you? It's either you or others, might as well NOT be you right?

But all you have to do is sacrifice a little, not even a big sacrifice, and nobody will have to suffer so much or be oppressed. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to put aside your selfishness and desire for the good of all? 

This cliche is of relevance here: To think with your heart or your mind?

You may think that I am in some sort of dilemma but I am really not. My mind and heart have never been clearer about the type of decision I have to make. I am just wondering if people will think like me and act like me. 

SILLY ME! I shouldn't even waste my time wondering. Of course, people are not going to think and act like me. Not everyone, at least. I will just have to do what I can do- ACCEPT, RESPECT, PRAY and maybe forgive. 

Comfort zone

People are generally very afraid of change, especially when they are in their comfort zone. I remember what Martin Jalleh told us, in an attempt to encourage us to break out from our cliques during camp and mingle with others, that "When you are feeling too comfortable (in your comfort zone), then it's a sign that you should change or make some changes in your life."

It's understandable. You are comfortable where you are, doing what you are doing. Why would you want to change anything? It's even more difficult to step out the longer you have been in that safe and 'warm' cocoon. You are risking that safety and comfort for the unknown. What if things turn out worse or not the way you want it to be?

There is nothing wrong about not liking and wanting change. But the thing is your life becomes stagnant. You don't progress. You don't move forward. You don't improve. You don't learn new things, don't make new friends, don't experience new things. You think that life is good now but what if life can be better?

The unknown is always scary. But you never know it until you have done it. There is an equal chance of things taking a turn for the worse and better. Of course, if you are wise and can make the right 'calculations', then perhaps you can tip the scale towards things becoming better. Life itself is a risk. Prof Raymond, in advising his patient to go for surgery, said "Everything has risks. Going for surgery has risks but not going for surgery has its risks too." (In this case, it means the patient will have to continue to suffer from intractable epilepsy that could otherwise be cured.) This is the exact sentence he used to talk to the patient, "Katakan puan nak pergi shopping, tapi kalau saya beritahu puan, puan ada risiko kena accident, puan akan pergi shopping jugak kan? Semua benda ada risikonya." (In this case, the risk of surgery is very minimal and the benefits far outweigh the risks.) Of course, we always have to weigh the risks versus benefits. If the risk far outweighs the benefit, then it would be dumb of us to take the risk after knowing so.

At the end of this, I realise one thing, that this argument/ rationalization which I have made cannot be applied to a marriage. Hahaha... Let's hope I don't uphold this principle in my future marital life, if I were to have one. 

K.O.

Every so often, I would crave for some alcohol. Nothing much, just a can of beer will do. But every time after I drink, I would almost regret it. I find myself wondering what is so wonderful about it that millions of people are addicted to it. Maybe because I usually don't drink enough to allow me to achieve that feeling of euphoria? I usually skip straight to the tachycardia and the throbbing headache. The thing is I can't drink. That's a fact. Just a can of beer and I am beetroot red, 2 glasses of wine and I am scarily flushed in the face. As of today, I found out that just half a bottle of soju and not only my face, my eyes will be vampire-red. That's another reason why I don't indulge in alcohol. I look hideous after I drink! 

I satisfied my once-in-a-blue-moon alcoholic craving with some soju last night.  

And I KO after half a bottle...LOL!

Random 1,2,3,4

Just when I want and am beginning to forget, something popped up to serve as a reminder.

I always seem to look the worst when I want to look my best.

Got an easy thalassemia case and even though I have read from cover to cover, line to line and every single word and footnote there is about it, there were still questions that I couldn't answer. I want things to be PERFECT but it never is. ( I know...I know...How can exams be perfect? If exams can be perfect then I guess your examiners must be sleeping or might just turn out to be a pretend lecturer who isn't really a doctor. Lol.. )

I really have to stop making excuses for you.


So many random thoughts running concurrently in my mind that I really should take up meditation to 'separate' my thoughts and learn to empty my mind (but not the precious knowledge contained within it, of course). Or maybe I should learn hypnosis and hypnotize myself.

My favorite babies

I finally understand the meaning of "I can't take my eyes off her". In the literal sense. 

How can anyone take their eyes of her! Should have seen her when she smiles. Totally and absolutely ADORABLE!
We nicknamed her "The Korean Baby"

Me stealing a shot with her. She was about to cry...Haha... You can play with her but I guess when you (I mean me) start to over-familiarized yourself and crossed her personal space, her stranger anxiety kicked in. Well, good for her that she has stranger anxiety as her protective mechanism considering how irresistibly cute she is because any stranger would want her. I know I do! 

Aiya...cannot see his face. The first child I've met who played  'Doctor'.  I have never met any child who plays 'Doctor' so far. Come on, where else would be the best place to play Doctor Doctor other than in the hospital with medical people around! That's why this child is smart and special! You would not believe what he did! He not only auscultated me by holding the diaphragm of the stets and moved them gently over my chest, he also placed 1 hand on my pulse, kononnya to time his auscultation with my pulse! This is a future doctor in the making. He probably got so used to doctors doing that to him that he can imitate the method so correctly. He has TOF. 


They absolutely light up my days! :)

A perfect calling

As I was lamenting to a friend about how our life is filled with the never-ending exams, I was brought back to that Sunday afternoon, in St Henry's church, probably about 10 plus, close to 11am, the time when choir practice usually began, with Robert sitting on top of the cabinet, as usual. Somehow, the conservation involved him, my good friend, Stephanie, and I and it was about our ambitions. Stephanie said she wanted to be a surgeon...Yeah, she was very specific, not doctor, but surgeon. And I said I wanted to be a lawyer. Somehow again, Robert laughed, somewhat, a little ridiculously, if my memory served me right. He said something about what Steph would probably end up as but I couldn't remember what. And he said that "Eunice will probably end up doing something that she needs to study, study and study her whole life." Oh well, I probably was a severe nerd since then.

Even in my autograph book (autograph books were the 'in' thing during primary school years), Steph wrote down surgeon as her ambition and I wrote lawyer as mine. That was when we were in Standard 1. Now, 17 years down the road (Oh Gosh! 17 YEARS?!!! *freaking out* Am I really that old already?), Stephanie is reading law and I am going to be a doctor , who aspires to be a surgeon. Ain't that funny?! Life's twist!

I wish I could ask Robert now how did he know even then what I would end up as. He could read us so well. I have never ever thought of becoming a doctor since young. Never. Lawyer and journalist were my ambitions. But never a doctor. Not until Form 5 or Form 6 at least, when I found my interest in Biology. That was when I decided I wanted to take up something in the Biology field. And here I am. I could never have chosen a more suitable field for myself. Looking back...lawyer? journalist? Nah....I could never be either one of those. And because I have never imagined that I would be a doctor, I am even more in awe of God's mysterious plan. It could only be Him who put me here. I didn't choose it first. Well, I did in the end, but God chose it for me first. And because of this, I know for sure that I can never regret, not now, not in the future because this is my calling. A calling that is perfect for me. He chose it and so it can never be wrong.