Short bursts of happiness

Trying very hard not to feel depressed. The time right before work is always worse as the thought of going to that hellhole is just well, depressing. But when it' s time to go home, I would always feel happy. And I always feel good during my off days. But not anymore recently. During my off days, I find that I am feeling a bit down too. Nope,that can't do! Refused to let stupid O&G defeat me although I know this is going to be a tough battle since the new shift system is out and it involves us working for even longer hours.

And so I am trying to give myself short bursts of happiness here and there to counter that depressed feeling. Forced myself to come to the mall today and just hang out. Kinda missed Nadiah who would always be there for me in Uni. She seemed to be able to sense it whenever I was feeling down. She would ask me out for shopping or a movie or a nice meal or go eat some really sinful cakes/ ice cream/ chocolate.

Although there is no replacement for a good friend, I thank God for a new company, for bringing him into my life.

We went for a little road trip to Desaru, my suggestion, of course. Need to get out of town for a bit..so sick of work and the hospital and the town.

                                                       

The desaru beach was surprisingly quite clean and nice.

                                           

                 

Ostrich farm                                         

It's really not bad. They have guides and every few minutes there'll 

be someone giving a talk and introduction about ostriches. 

                                         

                                           

                               

The ostrich egg is hugeeee! We have been told that an ostrich egg is equivalent to 25 chicken eggs! Guess how do you open an ostrich egg? They used a drill! 

I have a photo of me standing on 2 ostrich eggs but I don't have the photo with me. It's quite amazing how big and hard an ostrich egg is. 

We tried the ostrich satay. If you want to visit the farm, I suggest you go with an empty stomach because there are a variety of ostrich meat products for you to try- fried ostrich eggs, ostrich bak kut teh (lol?!), ostrich satay, ostrich steak, ostrich meat curry etc etc. Too bad we already had lunch before we went there.

And if you're lucky, you'll get to witness some extra scenes like ostrich copulating.. Haha.. We were lucky. 

What a shit place I'm in!

I am not happy. There are temporary short bursts of happiness on and off but the baseline feeling that I feel is :( . It' s not something chronic, just started to have this feeling since 2-3 weeks ago. Sigh... I feel so exhausted mentally. Of course the root of this crappy feeling is O&G. Working in this department in this hospital just sucks beyond words. The work that never ends, that's one thing. And you walk and breathe stealthily afraid that any move of yours might cost the life of both a mother and  her baby. And then you will be punished and what punishment could be worse than having to spend another few months in this posting- Extension. Just thinking  of it gives me sleepless nights (not literally of course, most days I just come home and konked off  'cuz I am burned out by the time I reach home)

I know I shouldn't be such a baby considering all specialists and MOs now are relatively so much nicer than the previous ones, at least that's what I've heard. After work everyday, you have that feeling of unease, worrying that throughout out your shift you might have done something wrong or not written something properly. Documentation is of utmost importance in O&G. Improper documentation could jeopardize their job. I understand, I really do. Every perinatal mortality and morbidity contributes directly to the national statistics. That is why everyone in O&G is so paranoid and obsessive about documentation. And if I remember correctly, perinatal mortality and morbidity is one of the statistics used to determine how developed a country is.

All this stress, worry, trepidation, work are slowly taking its toil on me. A few specialists saw my face a few times during work and they said "Why do you look like you're going to cry?" I didn't know my face is so easily readable. And I thought that I could hide my feelings well. I thought wrong.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................................

It's not that bad when I'm working because I don't have the time to feel and think. The most difficult moment is when I wake up, knowing I have to go to work. That feeling of dread is not a nice feeling. I want to enjoy this posting, enjoy doing the procedures and enjoy handling the emergencies. But how can anyone enjoy learning in such an environment. Whenever there is an emergency or a mortality you start praying that you have nothing to do with that case. They will read every single word written in the case file and identify any possible mistake. So whether it's a case that you've clerked today or 2 months ago, you better start praying that your patient never gets into any problem ever. I appreciated the mistakes that I have made because one thing commendable about O&G is that they teach and so I always learn from my mistakes. But any mistake in their eyes is also deserving of an extension. Whatever we do is wrong, whatever we don't do is also wrong.

It's a huge big pile of shit we are in. We, meaning, all of us in O&G. Arghhhh.. Damn shit la... Cannot tahan...