A friend's dad passed away recently. The mother of a doctor, who used to teach me in the hospital, passed away too recently. And then I heard a senior had an accident and was in ICU just few days ago. They are all terrible news. It's like the weather suddenly turns cloudy and a black cloud comes and lingers above my head whenever I hear of such news.
Each time I come back home for holidays, my parents seem to look older, with more white hair. Sometimes, the reality of their aging hits me when I see my friend's parents. I would think "Hmm..how Sally's dad has aged with all that wrinkles and white hair and extra weight." And almost immediately, it made me think of my parents.
I literally shudder at the thought of my parents leaving me forever. Sometimes, I would tear just thinking of them leaving me. There was once when I dreamt that my parents had an accident and were gone. The nightmare was so terribly real. There was even a scene in the nightmare where I was coping after the accident and a friend tried to bring me to an activity organised by a Buddhist association (he was a staunch Buddhist, apparently). And everything was just so so so so real that I even wished so hard, in my dream, that all that could just be a terrible dream and that I would just be able to wake up from it. AND I DID wake up from it, of course.
Waking up from that dream has got to be the HUGE-EST relief that I have EVER had. And I was so overwhelmed by the nightmare and so relieved that I just burst into tears. Like I was crying like nobody's business after I woke up. Of course, my roommates were alarmed. And my parents too when I called them immediately after that, STILL crying. LOL... It felt LOL now but not at that moment.
Sometimes, I get really frightened when I hear of my parents traveling outstation. I would pray exceptionally hard that they would have a safe journey. There was once when they were traveling to Genting without me. I was so worried and started imagining the landslides and all.
I try to get something positive out of this fear. Like whenever I start to become rude or do something hurting to my parents, I will think how unpredictable life is and they could be leaving me suddenly. I try to be as filial and loving a daughter as I can.
Hi Eunice.
ReplyDeleteI worried just like you when I was your age. The fear associated with the absolute reality that loved ones are going to die is horrible.
When it happens the grief is strong and intense, and you are powerless to do anything about it. It will take you on a ride whether you like it or not. There are no shortcuts. But there is a bottom, and there is a recovery. The humna spirit is stronger than you can ever imagine. I lost both my parents and my only child within in a span of 4 years. You live many lifetimes in a single lifetime and the life you end with looks nothing like the life you started out with. Don't let this scare you. Loved ones are with you always, whether you believe that or not. They will be there when it's your time to go. Love never dies. Have no fear. You will have the strength to deal with loss and you will surprise yourself as to how strong you really are. I do not fear loss like I once did, because I have the capacity to deal with anything life throws my way. This is a very liberating experience. Life will take care of itself, and you will survive your parents passing and they will be so proud of you for carrying on. Love never dies, and they will be with you always. Take care.