Make or ruin

It's always the people closest to you that have the power to invoke in you intense feelings of love, hatred, anger, joy, disappointments, comfort, security or insecurity. They can either make or ruin you or maybe, make something out of a ruined you.

Having experienced all of the above by the people that I love, it is no wonder that I rarely allow myself to form a close relationship with the people around me or the people that appear in my life from time to time. Another reason is that every meeting has to end with a separation like the Malay version of Auld Lang Syne sings 'Setiap pertemuan mesti ada perpisahan.' So my rationale is that why should I form a bond that would only subject me to the woes of inevitable separation or other negative feelings possibly invoked throughout the duration of that bond? My friends sometimes call me cold, hostile, emotionless and so on, mainly because I seldom show any emotions. Maybe it's the pride of not wanting to reveal that I am vulnerable or emotional. Or maybe it's because my relationships with those people are not as deep or close to stimulate any form of emotions from me.

That doesn't mean I don't have such true and close relationships. I am still capable of loving, of being a good friend or a good whatever-you-want-me-to-be. I am just wary, that's all. For the record, there are 2 types of feelings which I hate having the most- feeling of disappointment and the feeling of missing someone. And this is why I try not to have expectations from anyone or love someone too much. In this way, I am ruined, I know. But again, maybe this is what makes me into who I am. The final conclusion will have to be made by some other people upon my deathbed.

To the person(people) whom I love but whom I am finding increasingly exhausting to love, I know I can't make you think and do things according to what I want you to, but I just hope the next time you call, you will be able to deliver news that will make me happy for once (in a long time) or easier yet, don't tell me any news. No news is good news. It's a cliche that I always hope from you.

Darn my sore throat, it's killing me!