"He will make straight your paths"

Day 9 of tagging. So exhausted. This is such a mentally stressful posting. Lots of evil people in it who seem to go all out to make life terrible for housemen. Don't understand what the hell is wrong with them. And the new shift system will be implemented next week where we will only have one day off per week, and it's a post-night call off. So depressing.

Came across an encouraging and comforting verse: "Trust in The Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways be mindful of him and he will make straight your paths". (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

Unhappily ever after

I feel like happiness has been sucked out of my entire being and that I am incapable of feeling happy ever again. 

Night time is the worst. I could almost see my dad lying on the floor watching tv or sitting on the chair using the laptop reading his news or sitting on the couch using his phone with earphones on watching YouTube. 

I would give anything, anything and everything just to see him and touch him again for just a minute. 

If this is what I am feeling I cannot imagine what my little brother must be going through. He was so close to my dad. 

I miss you Pa

I kept looking at the gate, hoping and wishing to see my dad walking in through the gate in that quick and energetic pace of his.

Everything I do, everywhere I go, every word I hear reminds me of him.

Every road I drive pass, every building I pass reminds me of my dad.

Every thought that I have is of him.

Almost every minute, I pray silently in my heart and hope fervently that all this would turn out to be a very long bad dream and when I wake up, he would still be around.

No more phone calls from him every time I drive back to JB to make sure I have arrived safely. I am always unsure whether I should turn into Senai on my way back to BP and I would always call him to ask.

I miss you terribly, Pa.

I wish my brain and heart could stop working so that my heart could stop aching that much and I could stop thinking of you that much because it really really hurts.

Anniversary Month and Anniversary Resolutions

November is my new favorite month on top of December. December has always been my favorite month because it is the Christmas month and the holidays month. December is such 'tis a season to be jolly time..it just feels festive for me, preparing and counting down the days to Christmas.

Now November is my new second favorite month now because it is my anniversary month. LOL. Few months ago, I had this conversation with the BF. I asked him when is our anniversary..as in on which date should we consider it our anniversary..Our first date? The date we officially became a couple? The day we first met? Well, there wasn't much discussion. We just agreed on the first. Our first date. And yes,

Today is our first-year anniversary! 

Like wow! It has been one year already?!

When I quizzed him on the date of our first date, hmm..he didn't get it right. I got it right...after I went and searched the movie ticket and checked the date on it (I confessed to him later on)! HAHA.. And he tried to cover for himself for getting the date wrong by saying "Let's make the whole of November our Anniversary Month and we will celebrate every day in November!" Ha...Nice trick! But it is the trick that we eventually agreed on later, that we will make November our Anniversary Month instead of just having A DAY.

And I guess that is why we are both not celebrating today. We are both working today. And I haven't even got him a gift yet! Eheh...

Let's see...Our first date.. We went for Skyfall movie and a Japanese dinner before that. I was the one who made the first move and asked him out first. I made that FIRST move and he made all other subsequent moves from then on. There have been a number of dates prior to us becoming officially a couple but there wasn't much hesitancy or thought-pondering processes where we would wonder whether he likes me or not and vice versa. There wasn't much courting, as in...Say a guy likes this girl who initially doesn't have feelings for him and so he has to go all out to make her fall in love with him or vice versa. There wasn't that because we both already mutually like each other from the start. Of course, it is not like there wasn't any at all because although we like each other, we weren't like head over heels in love. So I guess, there is still that effort that every couple puts in to make each fall IN LOVE with the other. We are a very undramatic couple, which is very well suited to me. I don't like drama...those complicated things associated with relationship..arrghh..such a drag.

Anniversary resolution:-
1. We have to take more photos together as a couple!
We don't camwhore enough. Sometimes when I miss him, I would browse through my photos of him and I'd flabbergasted..Like WHAT! That is all the photos I have of him?!

2. We have to explore more places together.
We often joke that we are the most unproductive couple. If given the choice, we would just eat in everytime and then cuddle together while watching a movie.

3. Continue to be passionately in love with each other (I know damn mushy..haha)

Now I reallyyy need to go get him the anniversary gift!

Nonchalant, ignorant and irresponsible

PMS-Ing!!! Was so short tempered yesterday and just flew into a rage(s). There were supposed to be 4 people working in my team yesterday and after my friend and I had done our morning round, we realized that 2 of our colleagues were missing. They still hadn't arrived for work at 8am. We start work at 7am.

So I called HO A. He apologized and told me that he would be late due to car problems.. Fair enough., good enough a reason. But I still gave him a piece of mind for not informing us, his colleagues and I even did that on our department whatsapp group (of course our whatsapp group only consists of ho, no mo or specialist in it). 

Then I called HO B. No one picked up the phone. I whatsapp her in our group chat again but no reply . I guess she isn't in our group chat. And she didn have the courtesy to inform that she wasn't coming to work. Even when she came to work today, she just acted as if nothing happened. I mean come on, where is your sense of responsibility and teamwork. No respect for your colleagues. 

And the weird thing is Ho A actually called B to tell her he ll be late and she just said okay. And then she herself didn come to work. I mean why the hell would you say okay when you are planning not to come to work. Really cannot fathom what is in these people s minds.

Later on in the day, HO A went to read a venous blood gas for a patient and I was wondering an hour later why he didn come to show us the results. I was thinking that the result must be normal. Since he is a first poster, I went and checked the vbg result just to make sure it was okay. I got a shock. The vbg shows severe metabolic acidosis with a ph of 7.22 and a HCO3 of 8! We took the vbg because the patient s blood sugar was very high and we were worried of diabetic ketoacidosis. 

I realized that that result doesn correlate with the patient clinically as the patient was very well and comfortable and no symptoms of DKA. It was either the abg machine was faulty which is something very common in our hospital or that the result doesn belong to the patient.

What angered me the most was that HO A failed to see the significane of the terrible vbg results. If that is really the result of a patient we would have to intubAte the patient immediately. I called him and half shouted at him. For not recognizing the severity of such a vbg result. For not recognizing that it must have been an inaccurate result for that patient. For failing to at least ask us or show us the results and simply just leave the results in the case note without doing anything.

As expected it turns out he doesn't know how to interpret a blood gas result. I cooled down after that and sat him down and taught him slowly how to interpret blood gas results. I even turned the oxford handbook page to the acid base balance chapter and asked him to read. And guess what he said? 

"Eunice I have 2 of these books in my car but I cannot read la.. I just cannot.." 

Me: Why cannot read?

HO A: Arrr..aiya.. My English is not very good.. I cannot read la. 

I really hope he takes an effort to improve and learn. If not, his nonchalance and ignorance and irresponsibility are going to cost many lives.

Another incident that sparked off my anger .. Yes, I m not done yet.. I found out 2 of my patients' specimen, one was a blood specimen and another was a specimen from the patient's abdominal drain, weren't sent to the lab since Thursday. We kept tracing the results and just couldn't get the results. We collected the patient s abdominal drain for 4 consecutive days because of that. And I found out that all the specimens were still in the ward and not sent. I just flipped. I saw a ppk and just complained to her. 

Aiyo.. All these may seem like trivial matters but they angered me a lot. I just don't understand why people can work like tHat. They just can't be bothered. Stressed betul working with such people. 

And perhaps the PMS is also another contributing factor for my short fuse. 

Let me sleep!

I am glad my boyfriend is also a doctor. No offense to anyone or not trying to sound all high and mighty. At the end of work each day, we would talk about our day and most of the time, I'd unload on him about how my work has been.. About the patients, the bosses, some interesting cases, how busy I was. And he would understand. I can't tell this thing to my dad or my brother, my mum understands quite well and sympathizes. My dad once told my mum he couldn't understand why I could be so busy and that stemmed from me not answering his calls. How can I answer his call when I m in the middle of doing rounds with my specialist or when I am working in labour room where there is no line. My brother came home from work and asked quite persistently for me to go dinner with him. How can I comply willingly when all I want is to have some sleep after being awake for 21 hours or that I need to grab some precious sleep before going to work the night shift?! They don't understand and I don't bother explaining.

And so I salute couples of different occupations, for being able to understand and compromise with each other on the different line of work and working time. How do they do it?!

And this post arises due to frustration on being awaken from sleep just to go eat. I would have preferred to have my sleep and then wake up in a better mood which would have given me a better appetite. Once again, family or not, I miss my privacy and freedom! :(

Forcing a smile

Privacy invaded. Personal space breached. No heads up for me whatsoever. Just happened one fine day. Talk about surprises. Unpleasant surprise . My space, my privacy but I have no say. Have to bear it all in the name of family, love and duty.

Keep telling myself I have many things to be thankful for. It's a test I know. Can't do anything except accept it and thank God for this trial. It seems He thinks I am getting too comfortable. 

"forced smile"