My heart wept

We have an abandoned baby today. He was found in a tupperware and abandoned in a public toilet.

My heart wept for him.

He is such a beautiful baby, so round and handsome...really a handsome beautiful baby boy with such beautiful eyes complete with the double eye lids. And a dimple. Yes, you guessed right. I have been cuddling him for 15-20 minutes, just staring at him, mesmerized by his innocence, beauty and cuteness.

HOW...JUST HOW....TELL ME HOW....HOW CAN ANYONE ABANDON SUCH A BABY because I can't bear to put him down myself. If there hadn't been a new case for me to clerk, I would have just held on to him for a full one hour until I had to knock off from work.

How can anyone abandon their own baby, for that matter, cute or not?! They are your own flesh and blood, your cells and genes, YOU make them and bring them to this cruel place we call Earth. Instead of protecting them from the harshness and cruelties of life, you throw them to the wild, defenseless and leave them to fend for themselves. It is no better than murdering your own children.

I feel so helpless. What can I do to help this baby? What can I do to help all the abandoned babies out there? What can I do to prevent or reduce the cases of abandoned babies? I hope I can do something, I wish I can do something. I vow that I will do something probably not now, but in the future, when I am in the position of more power/ respect/ status. Or anyone has any suggestion of anything that I can do now?

Arrghh...it's frustrating and saddening at the same time!

The crush

I was all fine and ready to get over the crush. After all I have 3 more weeks left before I transfer to a new department and it's sayonara to him. Everything is all planned out in my mind-  Move on. Forget him. It's just a crush. It's too short a time to be called..ehem..Lov...Nah... There's nothing time cannot heal or change. There will always be someone to crush on later so that at least, going to work may be fun.

Until.... that fateful night....

When I was offered a glimmer of hope. 

By a third party.

Who told me that....

HE is into me as well.

"WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!" I said. 

 Nah, do you think I'm nuts?! Of course I didn't say that. 

To put it simply, I may have somehow passed the message back and hinted that the feeling was mutual, of course in the hope that HE might get the message.

And days passed. Nothing. I would be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed. It's either the third party was lying or that The Crush is doing a pretty darn good job at hiding his feelings. I mean you would know when a guy likes you. You would KINDA know. BUT, I don't sense a thing at all from him. In fact, from day 1, I have always thought that it was one-sided (from my side of course) because I have not an inkling feeling at all, not at all, that I was being liked by him.

I think it would be somewhat a tragedy...(haha...I'm so dramatic)... I mean it would be such a waste if  nothing happens. It's such a rare event that two people can happen to like each other at the same time (and place). It would really be a tragedy when these two people who like each other are both too lazy or shy or cowardly to do anything about it and just let this special feeling be a bygone.

Bright-eyed

I think I may, kinda, quite like someone at the moment. It is a nice feeling at first. It reminds me that my 'heart' still works. But over time, I think it can be quite a bother. It's a nice feeling when I go to work and see him. But then, I don't feel too good when he's in a different shift. So you see, why it's a bother.

I have watched the movie "He's just not that into you" few years back. It's actually quite a boring movie but the lesson of the movie is that Girls think too much and read too much into something trivial. So I am just not going to think like a girl and over-analyze stuff. But it's not a very good thing to not over-analyze stuff too because that can only mean one thing "He's just not that into me!" HAHA.. Let's just say we're on good terms as colleagues. But that's about it. This is me not over-analyzing. Now, if I were to over-analyze......don't get me started...

The thing is I'm not flirtatious nor am I very skillful in you know, triggering sparks or attracting attention my way. When I see other girls employing that skill, MY! What a skill!

Oh well, it's not Love. So I will survive. It makes me a a little more excited to go to work, like there's something to look forward to. Just a little. Otherwise, going to work will be like this all the time...

Now at least, sometimes, my eyes can be opened brightly, however much my small eyes will allow...

Fascinated

Night shift last night was good...The most relaxing night I have ever had since I entered Block A...All previous night shifts were so busy that I hardly had time to sit. So I went home fairly bright-eyed this morning.

I used to prefer toddlers over babies because I think toddlers can respond and communicate with you..Toddlers are more responsive. Babies just sleep and cry and don't respond to you. Being in neonate now, I am totally fascinated by babies. Like last night, there was this new admission and this baby had the weirdest cry that I couldn't stop laughing. Even the nurse commented to the baby "Pelik lah awak...nangis macam ni...sampai doktor (referring to me) geli hati, ketawa macam tu" Hahaha... I just couldn't describe how the baby cried but it was so weird and funny at the same time. 

How do babies, newborns/ neonates to be exact, fascinate me? Hmm....As I have mentioned, the very fact that such a small 'thing' could sustain and contain a LIFE is itself fascinating to me. Plus each of them is so different. They may be tiny but they definitely have a personality of their own. Each of their cry is different. They respond differently. I used to think babies look the same but now I am starting to distinguish them and I think each of them definitely looks different with their unique personality. One thing that never fails to make me smile is seeing a baby smile in his/her sleep. Sometimes I would be just minding my own business, busy taking blood or writing in the case note when I would look up and see this baby smiling in his/her sleep, occasionally with a dimpled smile. It just makes me S.M.I.L.E. Or that they will be sleeping nicely and then suddenly they will startle and start crying. That makes me laugh too. I am wondering what is actually going on in their minds. Can they think already? What are they thinking? Can they dream already? Are they having such a nice dream that it makes them smile in their sleep? I also like to make fun of them using the rooting reflex. When they are hungry and you start stroking the side of their mouth, their mouth will open like a goldfish and start searching out our finger to suck on. 

I complain sometimes of how tired I am, how difficult work is...bla bla bla...but when I think of these innocent little ones, these tiny beings that make me smile, these Heaven-sent gifts that are sometimes born prematurely or born with so many problems, these bundles of joy that sometimes turn out to bring more tears of sadness rather than joy, I stop complaining. How could I? 

Dark clouds

As long as we are alive and living, it is inevitable that we have to associate, communicate and interact with others. Those who say that they can live alone without others are big fat liars. Individuals make up a family and families make up a community and communities make up a society and societies make up a nation or a country and well, nations and countries make up this world, this life here on earth.

And being an individual living on this earth, my happiness, sorrow, peace and feelings are influenced by my surroundings, other than myself. My family’s problems have the biggest impact on me, my friends’ wellbeing can sometimes affect my mood too, and what happens in my society, community and country may also shift my affect (psychiatric term..ehem..) and mood from one end of the spectrum to another.

And so, a colleague of mine was punished today and you all know in housemanship what being punished means. It was a silly silly and miniscule reason that is totally undeserving of the punishment being meted out. Not to mention she is one of the most competent, knowledgeable and hardworking HO I have ever met. It is so unfair. I know the world is an unfair place but one can still hope.

I feel  down too. Her eyes are all swollen from crying and I can see that the tears were still threatening to fall. Without any hint of condescension, I can say I totally understand her feelings because I was through the same hell not so long ago.

The thing is, during housemanship, nothing and I mean nothing is absolutely safe and stable.  Wherever you are, whatever you do, whoever you talk to, whatever that comes out of your mouth can be a reason for punishment. Just when you think you are beginning to ease into the routine and settle down, something happens that throw you so out of proportion that you are not even sure you can get back up. I am only a first poster, only 2 months into my job and probably should not be so proud as to sound like I know it all...the housemanship life. But then again, perhaps it is because I am so new that I have all the more right to say this because I am still fresh and still remember what life is like BEFORE I cross that bridge and enter into this entirely different world. My best friend just told me she got shouted at by her consultant in front of everyone in that goddamn ward. I can only sigh because this is the kind of life we have signed up for, at least for now.

Children

Neonates are scary...these fragile little things, especially the premature babies. Of the many times I hold their hands tightly to take blood, I am so afraid that I might break something. It's a miracle how these tiny forms (the premature babies) could sustain such a big thing as LIFE.

Working in Paeds has been really enjoyable. I don't understand how people can dislike kids. They are just lovely, adorable, irresistible-to-love beings. Okay some really spoiled kids can be really annoying. I see why they refer a newborn as A BUNDLE OF JOY. If only I am allowed to take photos in the neonate ward, I would have taken photos everyday. The little babies are wrapped so snugly into a bundle...and BUNDLE is really the word for it. When I am free, I would go around and just meraba them. I see now how a woman can give up her career after having children. I was holding a baby today and just staring at him sleep and he is not even my baby!
.
But it can be very crushing emotionally to see the very ill babies or babies born with syndromes or diseases. If I could ask God for one thing, I would ask God to spare all children any suffering or diseases..maybe short term disease is fine but just not long term sufferings and diseases.

When a colleague of mine broke news to a father that his baby has Down's syndrome, he just burst into tears. We see babies with Down's syndrome almost everyday. It's just such a common thing to me that it never occurred to me that it is a very wrenching news to the parents. The sufferings, sacrifices and strengths of parents with chronically-ill children are just immense and unimaginable to me. We greet them at least 3 times a day and ask them the same standard things "Baby active tak? Makan minum bagus? Kencing ada kurang? Berak macam biasa? and they could still find it in them to smile and answer our questions patiently (most of them, anyway) despite all that they are going through. A few mothers have already stayed for months in the hospital with their child and still remain cheerful and optimistic. How do they do it? They are heroes to me...these mothers.

They say parenthood changes you. I am sure it does. I hear your world begins to revolve around your child and your child will always come first above all else. I don't doubt this. If one day God chooses me to be a mother, I hope I can be a mother that is worthy of my child.

Love-hate relationship

Gosh I am so having a crush on Romeo Tan, the new-ish Spore actor. So handsome.... *silly girlish gush*
Gosh Eunice. Grow up, woman!
Well, old ladies have crushes too. So I can too. *adamant*

On a different note, I have this love-hate relationship with my job. Hate is an exaggeration, but you get my point. When I am working, I feel alive, excited, interested, enthusiastic and satisfied BUT I am also feeling nervous, scared, angry and humiliated sometimes. I am falling short of being a nervous wreck, what with all these feelings bombarding me all at the same time. But I am still in control right now. Still.

When I am not working or when it's a slow day at work, I feel so lethargic and bored. I hate sitting down and doing nothing. I hate not doing anything. And so I would yearn for a busy time when I have free time. Time seems to pass by faster when you are busy. Like I was off yesterday and by evening time, I can't wait to go back to work today. How sick am I!

Anyhow, I better not over-analyze myself. Like I was once told, I am too conscious of my emotions. Is that even possible? Too conscious of your emotions! Apparently so. So how do I inhibit this over- consciousness of my own feelings? Ahh...

Let's start my STOP THINKING.  OR.....

Think of Romeo Tan. *Goofy grin*

(Romeo is a celebrity blogger. I should remind myself never to comment on his blog. If he accidentally clicks on my comment and sees this post, it would be beyond humiliating.)