The gift within the gift

This is going to be a happy post...been a long time since I posted something happy :)

Valentine's Day special ... Lol...

 We had a simple celebration of Japanese food, an action movie watched in the comforts of his room (The Escape Plan- it's such an awesome movie. I had to pause the movie a few times to give my heart a  break from the adrenaline rush.) The highlight of it all is the gift within the gift. It was a beautiful photo frame with a photo of us. That is just so sweet and just such a thoughtful gift coming from a guy. It's the sort of gift a girl would give a guy and usually the guy wouldn't be bothered..lol.. I mean come on, I didn't even thought of that. Am I a girl or what?! 

Now the gift within the gift. He wrote me a card (card is our thing..we always give each other card with our gift and again it's something started by him..). And on the card, he wrote me a POEM! If my heart could melt, it would! The poem is so sweet, so lovely, so romantic that I was rendered quite speechless! Now I am not a poetry kinda person. I don't read poems. So I didn't know if he took it from some book or renowned poet. I wouldn't have known. But it was later confirmed that he created the poem himself. *blissful sigh*  I grinned stupidly every time I thought of the poem..just like the first few weeks when we started going out. 

Hmm.. He asked me a question on the card that could either has a very superficial meaning but could also be misconstrued for a deeper meaning. Anyway, for whatever level of meaning the question has to indicate, my answer would still be the same. So i reciprocated and gave him my reply via (I truly regret now) whatsapp! I could have like written him a romantic reply on a note or something but I didn't 'cuz I was in a hurry to give him my reply..don't know why.. Anyway, don't think too much, which is also what he kinda said when I asked him the meaning of his question.. LOL

                                    

                              

                            

                         

In return, what did I give him? A lousy card which I made myself and my so-called love letter, which appears to be naggy and unromantic next to his poem... How?!!! 

Anniversary Month and Anniversary Resolutions

November is my new favorite month on top of December. December has always been my favorite month because it is the Christmas month and the holidays month. December is such 'tis a season to be jolly time..it just feels festive for me, preparing and counting down the days to Christmas.

Now November is my new second favorite month now because it is my anniversary month. LOL. Few months ago, I had this conversation with the BF. I asked him when is our anniversary..as in on which date should we consider it our anniversary..Our first date? The date we officially became a couple? The day we first met? Well, there wasn't much discussion. We just agreed on the first. Our first date. And yes,

Today is our first-year anniversary! 

Like wow! It has been one year already?!

When I quizzed him on the date of our first date, hmm..he didn't get it right. I got it right...after I went and searched the movie ticket and checked the date on it (I confessed to him later on)! HAHA.. And he tried to cover for himself for getting the date wrong by saying "Let's make the whole of November our Anniversary Month and we will celebrate every day in November!" Ha...Nice trick! But it is the trick that we eventually agreed on later, that we will make November our Anniversary Month instead of just having A DAY.

And I guess that is why we are both not celebrating today. We are both working today. And I haven't even got him a gift yet! Eheh...

Let's see...Our first date.. We went for Skyfall movie and a Japanese dinner before that. I was the one who made the first move and asked him out first. I made that FIRST move and he made all other subsequent moves from then on. There have been a number of dates prior to us becoming officially a couple but there wasn't much hesitancy or thought-pondering processes where we would wonder whether he likes me or not and vice versa. There wasn't much courting, as in...Say a guy likes this girl who initially doesn't have feelings for him and so he has to go all out to make her fall in love with him or vice versa. There wasn't that because we both already mutually like each other from the start. Of course, it is not like there wasn't any at all because although we like each other, we weren't like head over heels in love. So I guess, there is still that effort that every couple puts in to make each fall IN LOVE with the other. We are a very undramatic couple, which is very well suited to me. I don't like drama...those complicated things associated with relationship..arrghh..such a drag.

Anniversary resolution:-
1. We have to take more photos together as a couple!
We don't camwhore enough. Sometimes when I miss him, I would browse through my photos of him and I'd flabbergasted..Like WHAT! That is all the photos I have of him?!

2. We have to explore more places together.
We often joke that we are the most unproductive couple. If given the choice, we would just eat in everytime and then cuddle together while watching a movie.

3. Continue to be passionately in love with each other (I know damn mushy..haha)

Now I reallyyy need to go get him the anniversary gift!

Short bursts of happiness

Trying very hard not to feel depressed. The time right before work is always worse as the thought of going to that hellhole is just well, depressing. But when it' s time to go home, I would always feel happy. And I always feel good during my off days. But not anymore recently. During my off days, I find that I am feeling a bit down too. Nope,that can't do! Refused to let stupid O&G defeat me although I know this is going to be a tough battle since the new shift system is out and it involves us working for even longer hours.

And so I am trying to give myself short bursts of happiness here and there to counter that depressed feeling. Forced myself to come to the mall today and just hang out. Kinda missed Nadiah who would always be there for me in Uni. She seemed to be able to sense it whenever I was feeling down. She would ask me out for shopping or a movie or a nice meal or go eat some really sinful cakes/ ice cream/ chocolate.

Although there is no replacement for a good friend, I thank God for a new company, for bringing him into my life.

We went for a little road trip to Desaru, my suggestion, of course. Need to get out of town for a bit..so sick of work and the hospital and the town.

                                                       

The desaru beach was surprisingly quite clean and nice.

                                           

                 

Ostrich farm                                         

It's really not bad. They have guides and every few minutes there'll 

be someone giving a talk and introduction about ostriches. 

                                         

                                           

                               

The ostrich egg is hugeeee! We have been told that an ostrich egg is equivalent to 25 chicken eggs! Guess how do you open an ostrich egg? They used a drill! 

I have a photo of me standing on 2 ostrich eggs but I don't have the photo with me. It's quite amazing how big and hard an ostrich egg is. 

We tried the ostrich satay. If you want to visit the farm, I suggest you go with an empty stomach because there are a variety of ostrich meat products for you to try- fried ostrich eggs, ostrich bak kut teh (lol?!), ostrich satay, ostrich steak, ostrich meat curry etc etc. Too bad we already had lunch before we went there.

And if you're lucky, you'll get to witness some extra scenes like ostrich copulating.. Haha.. We were lucky. 

Pampered and Loved

There have been a few times when I really wanted to blog but the internet at my house is practically non-existent. I'm hoping that I'll have time to finish blogging this post before the internet is down again.

3 more weeks to my medical posting. Can't wait to leave already, unlike in Paeds when I didn't feel like leaving at the end of my posting. Passed my medical assessment, with a shocking 97%. I didn't do that, God did. It just couldn't be me. I didn't even have time and the motivation to properly revise. My assessment was on Valentine's day, Thursday and the day before was Ash Wednesday, a day of obligation, meaning it was a must to go to church for mass. But I skipped church on Wed and I felt so bad and so guilty. But if I had gone, I would just come back from church and crash straightaway without studying.

In retrospect, God is great indeed! I had some time to study on Wednesday at the expense of missing church. My ward wasn't the active ward on Thursday, which meant that I could finish my ward work quite fast, leaving me with some time to study and calm down before my assessment in the afternoon. I was so afraid that God would punish me for not going to church but I was such a faithless creature for even thinking that. God is loving and wonderful and merciful. How could he possibly be so petty as to fail me just because I missed Ash Wed?! I was completely speechless and just touched when I found out I passed with such good marks.

During my assessment, I got a call from a guy asking me very abruptly for my exact location in the hospital. I was annoyed at first. For one, I was in the middle of exams and this guy never introduced himself and just asked "Di mana kamu sekarang?" To cut the story short

A bouquet of roses with a box of chocolate was delivered to the hospital for me, to my ward, signed and received by a male colleague on behalf of me in front of all the patients, my colleagues and MO. I told the sender later that luckily I wasn't in the ward to receive the flowers in person and be the center of attention. Imagine the horror! Haha..  I know I deserved to be smacked for saying this. Many girls would kill to be at the center of attention for this. But what to do?! I am just too shy! Muahaha...   

The gifts, the dinner, the time spent with you, the many hugs and kisses...

I feel very pampered and very much loved. 

Fascinated

Night shift last night was good...The most relaxing night I have ever had since I entered Block A...All previous night shifts were so busy that I hardly had time to sit. So I went home fairly bright-eyed this morning.

I used to prefer toddlers over babies because I think toddlers can respond and communicate with you..Toddlers are more responsive. Babies just sleep and cry and don't respond to you. Being in neonate now, I am totally fascinated by babies. Like last night, there was this new admission and this baby had the weirdest cry that I couldn't stop laughing. Even the nurse commented to the baby "Pelik lah awak...nangis macam ni...sampai doktor (referring to me) geli hati, ketawa macam tu" Hahaha... I just couldn't describe how the baby cried but it was so weird and funny at the same time. 

How do babies, newborns/ neonates to be exact, fascinate me? Hmm....As I have mentioned, the very fact that such a small 'thing' could sustain and contain a LIFE is itself fascinating to me. Plus each of them is so different. They may be tiny but they definitely have a personality of their own. Each of their cry is different. They respond differently. I used to think babies look the same but now I am starting to distinguish them and I think each of them definitely looks different with their unique personality. One thing that never fails to make me smile is seeing a baby smile in his/her sleep. Sometimes I would be just minding my own business, busy taking blood or writing in the case note when I would look up and see this baby smiling in his/her sleep, occasionally with a dimpled smile. It just makes me S.M.I.L.E. Or that they will be sleeping nicely and then suddenly they will startle and start crying. That makes me laugh too. I am wondering what is actually going on in their minds. Can they think already? What are they thinking? Can they dream already? Are they having such a nice dream that it makes them smile in their sleep? I also like to make fun of them using the rooting reflex. When they are hungry and you start stroking the side of their mouth, their mouth will open like a goldfish and start searching out our finger to suck on. 

I complain sometimes of how tired I am, how difficult work is...bla bla bla...but when I think of these innocent little ones, these tiny beings that make me smile, these Heaven-sent gifts that are sometimes born prematurely or born with so many problems, these bundles of joy that sometimes turn out to bring more tears of sadness rather than joy, I stop complaining. How could I? 

Children

Neonates are scary...these fragile little things, especially the premature babies. Of the many times I hold their hands tightly to take blood, I am so afraid that I might break something. It's a miracle how these tiny forms (the premature babies) could sustain such a big thing as LIFE.

Working in Paeds has been really enjoyable. I don't understand how people can dislike kids. They are just lovely, adorable, irresistible-to-love beings. Okay some really spoiled kids can be really annoying. I see why they refer a newborn as A BUNDLE OF JOY. If only I am allowed to take photos in the neonate ward, I would have taken photos everyday. The little babies are wrapped so snugly into a bundle...and BUNDLE is really the word for it. When I am free, I would go around and just meraba them. I see now how a woman can give up her career after having children. I was holding a baby today and just staring at him sleep and he is not even my baby!
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But it can be very crushing emotionally to see the very ill babies or babies born with syndromes or diseases. If I could ask God for one thing, I would ask God to spare all children any suffering or diseases..maybe short term disease is fine but just not long term sufferings and diseases.

When a colleague of mine broke news to a father that his baby has Down's syndrome, he just burst into tears. We see babies with Down's syndrome almost everyday. It's just such a common thing to me that it never occurred to me that it is a very wrenching news to the parents. The sufferings, sacrifices and strengths of parents with chronically-ill children are just immense and unimaginable to me. We greet them at least 3 times a day and ask them the same standard things "Baby active tak? Makan minum bagus? Kencing ada kurang? Berak macam biasa? and they could still find it in them to smile and answer our questions patiently (most of them, anyway) despite all that they are going through. A few mothers have already stayed for months in the hospital with their child and still remain cheerful and optimistic. How do they do it? They are heroes to me...these mothers.

They say parenthood changes you. I am sure it does. I hear your world begins to revolve around your child and your child will always come first above all else. I don't doubt this. If one day God chooses me to be a mother, I hope I can be a mother that is worthy of my child.

I still love Paeds

The mortality meeting went well. God is great! I was cool, steady and calm. I presented the case well, with fluent English, appropriate pace and a matter-of-fact, emotionless tone. Everyone was looking at my face, expecting me to break down at any moment. I did not even feel close to crying or breaking down BECAUSE I felt God by my side. I could really feel his presence, accompanying me, standing by my side. It was just a miracle.

The specialists did not give me a hard time. They did not question me much. My HOD even defended me. All in all, everything went well.

A week later, I was doing night round with a specialist. He brought up the matter and I was somewhat irritated at first. In the end, he was actually quite encouraging. He told me that everyone will encounter this, it's just a matter of time. Some go through this later and in my case, I went through this earlier. And it might even be a good thing that I went through this earlier. He said maybe after this incident, I might be inspired to be a Paeds cardiologist. Kinda lol..  Another MO, who was present during the round as well, was also very encouraging. He told me that it's important not to let this hold me back.

THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. 

I am well aware that I am now quite infamous in the department. And because of this, I instinctively try harder to prove myself. To prove that I am a worthy doctor. That I am not a bad doctor. Because, unlike others, people now will tend to find fault with me, to find a mistake or a weakness that they can pinpoint at me. I don't blame them. After all, such a reaction is only human and doctors are mere humans.

I have come to terms with the fact, the fact that the incident has happened and that things happen for a reason. Again, I thank God for this challenge. In retrospect, it is a blessing that I went through this so soon and in this department where the bosses are nice. If this were to happen later and in another department, the consequences would have been more dreadful.

Time flies. I will be finishing my placement in Paeds medical and transferring to Neonate soon. Neonate ward will be even busier and more challenging.

Despite all that has happened, being a first poster in Paeds groping my way around in the dark, feeling clueless and like a complete idiot, despite this adjustment period, I am certain about three things:

 I LOVE MY JOB.

 I LOVE BEING A DOCTOR. 

I STILL LOVE PAEDS. 

Dr. Eunice

It feels too surreal...but that's not important because IT'S REAL! I'm a doctor now!!! Dr. Eunice Ng Chin Nien. Hm...Dr Eunice...sounds better than Dr Ng....ok la..shall introduce myself as Dr Eunice. HAHAHA....Shiok sendiri...

I have no idea how I went through the last 4 weeks, the most intense of which is the last week and the week of the exams. IT WAS HELL ON EARTH. But luckily, God was around to save me. I was holding myself together, because at any moment, I would have broken down. But I didn't. I don't know where else that strength could have come from if not from God. I have no idea how a friend of mine, who is an atheist, got through such a trying period. In times when we, believers, trust God and say "Please bless me Lord...", he was saying "Huat ah..!" Oh well, I guess that was his way of blessing himself...his lucky words for himself. Sorry, can't help this snide remark. Just that his constant chant of "Huat ah" was annoying the hell out of me.

Official results was announced today at 3.45pm at the lobby of our faculty under a constant drizzle, which became a heavy rain. All 69 of us had to stand in front, facing the lecturers, who were sitting. The Dean announced one by one, the names of the people who had passed, meaning, you would want your name to be called!!! Can you imagine those minutes of waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for your name to be called, especially the 69th student? Boy, that might have been the suspense of the year. Almost every girl cried tears of joy, except me. *defensively* What?!! I just don't tear easily. Even some of the lecturers were having watery red eyes and nose...guy lecturers, might I add.

The announcement ended at 5pm and we had an appreciation dinner at 7pm. It was a hustle and bustle for the girls from then on, including me. Rushing to the saloon or make-up amid the peak hour of a traffic jam...crazy crazy... BUT IT WAS SUPER WORTH IT! Dinner was fun and amazing and just great great great.

NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FELT ON THE LAST WEEK  AND THE WEEK OF MY PROFESSIONAL EXAMS II and NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. 
Two totally different feelings, each at opposite end of the spectrum.


THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU GOD! x 1000000.

The pleading eyes

I'm enjoying Paeds. The kids are great.

I saw a few uncommon/ rare cases: Williams syndrome, Marfan syndrome, Cockayne syndrome and congenital ichthyosis.

The other day, I was helping a HO hold down a 4-year-old boy during blood-taking. As in every blood-taking in Paeds, the whole scene will be full of drama, especially when the kid is a toddler or an older child. They are old enough to know it hurts and will resist with all their might. I was both heart-broken and amused with this boy. He had so many antics. A few times, he tried screaming at the top of his voice. Then he used the gentle technique. He gave the HO the most soft and pleading eyes and begged the doctor "Doktor, jangan ambil darah...Doktor, jangan ambil darah." To which the HO very gently and firmly replied "Saya mesti. Saya hendak tolong kamu." His pleading failed and he tried to bluff us. He shouted "Saya nak pergi tandas...nak kencing." We were almost fooled until the mom said "Apa nak pergi tandas...ada pampers tu.." He was wearing a diaper. Super LOL! Another HO tried to fool him while trying to search for a nice, fat vein by saying "Tiada cucuk...tengok saja." The smart boy saw the SYRINGE (not even the needle, cuz we have hidden the needle) and said "Tu....tu...jarum!"    AND after the successful blood-taking, he refused to believe us when we told him that it's over and asked "Mana darah...nak tengok darah..."

Kids are amazing. Treating children is amazing. You will never feel cheated as you would treating an asthma patient who smokes or a HIV patient who continues to have UNprotected sex. It requires so much more skill and tact in Paeds. You need to be soft and gentle BUT firm at the same time. Plus you need to speak in that special kiddy voice that you reserve only for them. And you CANNOT NOT smile. So no matter how crappy a day you are having, the kids will make you smile, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

Can you resist that soft, pleading eyes?