I still love Paeds

The mortality meeting went well. God is great! I was cool, steady and calm. I presented the case well, with fluent English, appropriate pace and a matter-of-fact, emotionless tone. Everyone was looking at my face, expecting me to break down at any moment. I did not even feel close to crying or breaking down BECAUSE I felt God by my side. I could really feel his presence, accompanying me, standing by my side. It was just a miracle.

The specialists did not give me a hard time. They did not question me much. My HOD even defended me. All in all, everything went well.

A week later, I was doing night round with a specialist. He brought up the matter and I was somewhat irritated at first. In the end, he was actually quite encouraging. He told me that everyone will encounter this, it's just a matter of time. Some go through this later and in my case, I went through this earlier. And it might even be a good thing that I went through this earlier. He said maybe after this incident, I might be inspired to be a Paeds cardiologist. Kinda lol..  Another MO, who was present during the round as well, was also very encouraging. He told me that it's important not to let this hold me back.

THANK YOU FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME. 

I am well aware that I am now quite infamous in the department. And because of this, I instinctively try harder to prove myself. To prove that I am a worthy doctor. That I am not a bad doctor. Because, unlike others, people now will tend to find fault with me, to find a mistake or a weakness that they can pinpoint at me. I don't blame them. After all, such a reaction is only human and doctors are mere humans.

I have come to terms with the fact, the fact that the incident has happened and that things happen for a reason. Again, I thank God for this challenge. In retrospect, it is a blessing that I went through this so soon and in this department where the bosses are nice. If this were to happen later and in another department, the consequences would have been more dreadful.

Time flies. I will be finishing my placement in Paeds medical and transferring to Neonate soon. Neonate ward will be even busier and more challenging.

Despite all that has happened, being a first poster in Paeds groping my way around in the dark, feeling clueless and like a complete idiot, despite this adjustment period, I am certain about three things:

 I LOVE MY JOB.

 I LOVE BEING A DOCTOR. 

I STILL LOVE PAEDS.