The last post is an understatement compared to this

I thought I was in deep shit 2 weekends ago. Boy, that was peanuts compared to what happened 2 days ago. I was flung so suddenly and so violently into this pile of mess. 

I am a one-month-old houseman. I haven't got the chance to attend a mortality meeting before. I will be attending my first mortality meeting tomorrow and guess what? I will be presenting. I will be presenting in my first ever mortality meeting and need I add, in front of 2 heads of departments, all the consultants and specialists, all the MOs and all my colleagues. 

There is no word to describe what I am feeling and what I am about the feel tomorrow. Everything that I was feeling since 2 days ago will be amplified 10 times tomorrow. I just hope my knees will not give way from shaking too much or my fingers will not shake so much that I couldn't press the keyboard. And most of all, I hope that I will not betray myself and start crying. 

Some colleagues have been nice and helpful. My HOD requested to meet me first thing in the morning today. It's a miracle I could still sleep last night. But it turns out, he just wanted to ask me how am I feeling, if I am feeling depressed and if I could continue working. Thank you for the concern Dr. In view of what has happened, I never thought that you would still have time to think of my wellbeing. So I am truly touched. Another MO whom I have only met once gave me a pat on the back. It wasn't much but it is an encouragement to me. In times like this, what I need most is ENCOURAGEMENT, not sympathy and not even comfort. 

I know I will survive tomorrow. God will not give us challenges that we can't overcome. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't stem my fear. As usual, trying to numb myself so that I won't have to think or feel anything. I have been thinking so much that I don't know what to think anymore.