I am sorry I can't miss you more

There are times when I think I can do it without you. But there are times like today when i miss you terribly and don't think i don't think I can make it without you. I open my eyes today and forgot for a second that you are gone. I thought of calling you today to ask you how was Sunday mass, to tell you how stressed I am about my exams on Tuesday. I want to hear your voice and to hear you telling me that I can do it and to tell me not to be stressed and just go and try my best. Thoughout my life as a student, whenever I told you how afraid and worried I was about my exams, I could hear it in your voice that u had faith in me, that u always thought I could do well in my exams. I didn realized until now how important your belief and your trust are to me and how they actually serve as motivation for me to go on and embark on my undertakings. 

Since the day you are gone, i tell myself that I do not want to live to a ripe old age. I just want to live till my 60s maybe so that I can go and meet you soon. I still am afraid of death. I am afraid of death of the people around me, of the people that I love because I don't think I can deal again with another loss. But I no longer am afraid of my own death because I could go and meet you soon. 

In the past, whenever I heard of other people's passing, I could sympathise. But I never could empathize. It was always OTHER people and not my own and so i could never truly feel. But now, I could really empathise with the family of my patients who passed away, with my friend whose father just passed away. 

Tears used to be rare. My friends used to call me Ice Queen last time because i don't cry, i didn cry when attended funerals last time. It was just heard for me to tear. I am like a leaking tap these days, and tears seem to come freely and sometimes without me realizing whenever the thought of you comes. 

I want to miss you and think of you but I am sorry that I have to suppress the thought of you most of the time. Whenever I think of you gone....I just can't seem to go on. 

And please make me dream of you. I enjoyed going on a holiday with you in my dream the last time. 

Nonchalant, ignorant and irresponsible

PMS-Ing!!! Was so short tempered yesterday and just flew into a rage(s). There were supposed to be 4 people working in my team yesterday and after my friend and I had done our morning round, we realized that 2 of our colleagues were missing. They still hadn't arrived for work at 8am. We start work at 7am.

So I called HO A. He apologized and told me that he would be late due to car problems.. Fair enough., good enough a reason. But I still gave him a piece of mind for not informing us, his colleagues and I even did that on our department whatsapp group (of course our whatsapp group only consists of ho, no mo or specialist in it). 

Then I called HO B. No one picked up the phone. I whatsapp her in our group chat again but no reply . I guess she isn't in our group chat. And she didn have the courtesy to inform that she wasn't coming to work. Even when she came to work today, she just acted as if nothing happened. I mean come on, where is your sense of responsibility and teamwork. No respect for your colleagues. 

And the weird thing is Ho A actually called B to tell her he ll be late and she just said okay. And then she herself didn come to work. I mean why the hell would you say okay when you are planning not to come to work. Really cannot fathom what is in these people s minds.

Later on in the day, HO A went to read a venous blood gas for a patient and I was wondering an hour later why he didn come to show us the results. I was thinking that the result must be normal. Since he is a first poster, I went and checked the vbg result just to make sure it was okay. I got a shock. The vbg shows severe metabolic acidosis with a ph of 7.22 and a HCO3 of 8! We took the vbg because the patient s blood sugar was very high and we were worried of diabetic ketoacidosis. 

I realized that that result doesn correlate with the patient clinically as the patient was very well and comfortable and no symptoms of DKA. It was either the abg machine was faulty which is something very common in our hospital or that the result doesn belong to the patient.

What angered me the most was that HO A failed to see the significane of the terrible vbg results. If that is really the result of a patient we would have to intubAte the patient immediately. I called him and half shouted at him. For not recognizing the severity of such a vbg result. For not recognizing that it must have been an inaccurate result for that patient. For failing to at least ask us or show us the results and simply just leave the results in the case note without doing anything.

As expected it turns out he doesn't know how to interpret a blood gas result. I cooled down after that and sat him down and taught him slowly how to interpret blood gas results. I even turned the oxford handbook page to the acid base balance chapter and asked him to read. And guess what he said? 

"Eunice I have 2 of these books in my car but I cannot read la.. I just cannot.." 

Me: Why cannot read?

HO A: Arrr..aiya.. My English is not very good.. I cannot read la. 

I really hope he takes an effort to improve and learn. If not, his nonchalance and ignorance and irresponsibility are going to cost many lives.

Another incident that sparked off my anger .. Yes, I m not done yet.. I found out 2 of my patients' specimen, one was a blood specimen and another was a specimen from the patient's abdominal drain, weren't sent to the lab since Thursday. We kept tracing the results and just couldn't get the results. We collected the patient s abdominal drain for 4 consecutive days because of that. And I found out that all the specimens were still in the ward and not sent. I just flipped. I saw a ppk and just complained to her. 

Aiyo.. All these may seem like trivial matters but they angered me a lot. I just don't understand why people can work like tHat. They just can't be bothered. Stressed betul working with such people. 

And perhaps the PMS is also another contributing factor for my short fuse. 

Let me sleep!

I am glad my boyfriend is also a doctor. No offense to anyone or not trying to sound all high and mighty. At the end of work each day, we would talk about our day and most of the time, I'd unload on him about how my work has been.. About the patients, the bosses, some interesting cases, how busy I was. And he would understand. I can't tell this thing to my dad or my brother, my mum understands quite well and sympathizes. My dad once told my mum he couldn't understand why I could be so busy and that stemmed from me not answering his calls. How can I answer his call when I m in the middle of doing rounds with my specialist or when I am working in labour room where there is no line. My brother came home from work and asked quite persistently for me to go dinner with him. How can I comply willingly when all I want is to have some sleep after being awake for 21 hours or that I need to grab some precious sleep before going to work the night shift?! They don't understand and I don't bother explaining.

And so I salute couples of different occupations, for being able to understand and compromise with each other on the different line of work and working time. How do they do it?!

And this post arises due to frustration on being awaken from sleep just to go eat. I would have preferred to have my sleep and then wake up in a better mood which would have given me a better appetite. Once again, family or not, I miss my privacy and freedom! :(

Forcing a smile

Privacy invaded. Personal space breached. No heads up for me whatsoever. Just happened one fine day. Talk about surprises. Unpleasant surprise . My space, my privacy but I have no say. Have to bear it all in the name of family, love and duty.

Keep telling myself I have many things to be thankful for. It's a test I know. Can't do anything except accept it and thank God for this trial. It seems He thinks I am getting too comfortable. 

"forced smile"

Short bursts of happiness

Trying very hard not to feel depressed. The time right before work is always worse as the thought of going to that hellhole is just well, depressing. But when it' s time to go home, I would always feel happy. And I always feel good during my off days. But not anymore recently. During my off days, I find that I am feeling a bit down too. Nope,that can't do! Refused to let stupid O&G defeat me although I know this is going to be a tough battle since the new shift system is out and it involves us working for even longer hours.

And so I am trying to give myself short bursts of happiness here and there to counter that depressed feeling. Forced myself to come to the mall today and just hang out. Kinda missed Nadiah who would always be there for me in Uni. She seemed to be able to sense it whenever I was feeling down. She would ask me out for shopping or a movie or a nice meal or go eat some really sinful cakes/ ice cream/ chocolate.

Although there is no replacement for a good friend, I thank God for a new company, for bringing him into my life.

We went for a little road trip to Desaru, my suggestion, of course. Need to get out of town for a bit..so sick of work and the hospital and the town.

                                                       

The desaru beach was surprisingly quite clean and nice.

                                           

                 

Ostrich farm                                         

It's really not bad. They have guides and every few minutes there'll 

be someone giving a talk and introduction about ostriches. 

                                         

                                           

                               

The ostrich egg is hugeeee! We have been told that an ostrich egg is equivalent to 25 chicken eggs! Guess how do you open an ostrich egg? They used a drill! 

I have a photo of me standing on 2 ostrich eggs but I don't have the photo with me. It's quite amazing how big and hard an ostrich egg is. 

We tried the ostrich satay. If you want to visit the farm, I suggest you go with an empty stomach because there are a variety of ostrich meat products for you to try- fried ostrich eggs, ostrich bak kut teh (lol?!), ostrich satay, ostrich steak, ostrich meat curry etc etc. Too bad we already had lunch before we went there.

And if you're lucky, you'll get to witness some extra scenes like ostrich copulating.. Haha.. We were lucky. 

What a shit place I'm in!

I am not happy. There are temporary short bursts of happiness on and off but the baseline feeling that I feel is :( . It' s not something chronic, just started to have this feeling since 2-3 weeks ago. Sigh... I feel so exhausted mentally. Of course the root of this crappy feeling is O&G. Working in this department in this hospital just sucks beyond words. The work that never ends, that's one thing. And you walk and breathe stealthily afraid that any move of yours might cost the life of both a mother and  her baby. And then you will be punished and what punishment could be worse than having to spend another few months in this posting- Extension. Just thinking  of it gives me sleepless nights (not literally of course, most days I just come home and konked off  'cuz I am burned out by the time I reach home)

I know I shouldn't be such a baby considering all specialists and MOs now are relatively so much nicer than the previous ones, at least that's what I've heard. After work everyday, you have that feeling of unease, worrying that throughout out your shift you might have done something wrong or not written something properly. Documentation is of utmost importance in O&G. Improper documentation could jeopardize their job. I understand, I really do. Every perinatal mortality and morbidity contributes directly to the national statistics. That is why everyone in O&G is so paranoid and obsessive about documentation. And if I remember correctly, perinatal mortality and morbidity is one of the statistics used to determine how developed a country is.

All this stress, worry, trepidation, work are slowly taking its toil on me. A few specialists saw my face a few times during work and they said "Why do you look like you're going to cry?" I didn't know my face is so easily readable. And I thought that I could hide my feelings well. I thought wrong.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................................

It's not that bad when I'm working because I don't have the time to feel and think. The most difficult moment is when I wake up, knowing I have to go to work. That feeling of dread is not a nice feeling. I want to enjoy this posting, enjoy doing the procedures and enjoy handling the emergencies. But how can anyone enjoy learning in such an environment. Whenever there is an emergency or a mortality you start praying that you have nothing to do with that case. They will read every single word written in the case file and identify any possible mistake. So whether it's a case that you've clerked today or 2 months ago, you better start praying that your patient never gets into any problem ever. I appreciated the mistakes that I have made because one thing commendable about O&G is that they teach and so I always learn from my mistakes. But any mistake in their eyes is also deserving of an extension. Whatever we do is wrong, whatever we don't do is also wrong.

It's a huge big pile of shit we are in. We, meaning, all of us in O&G. Arghhhh.. Damn shit la... Cannot tahan...

C.R.A.N.K.Y

My threshold is 1 week- The threshold for the duration which I can stand not seeing TGIL. I realised that since the beginning, we have always gone out at least once a week and because of this, I can only stand not seeing him up till 7 days. Every time we meet up, it's like I am recharged. Today, it's almost nearing the deadline of 7 days and I find myself missing him terribly, although we talk EVERYDAY! And we work in the same hospital. OMG, I hope I am not some kind of weirdo/ clingy girl because that's the last thing I want to be.

Worked night shift last night. The exhaustion and insufficient sleep and missing him is making me very very cranky and a bad company, considering my brother is in town. So unfair to my brother.

To release some bit of crankiness within, I don't care how overly mushy I am. I miss seeing him, miss being next to him, miss our actual face-to-face conversation (although I prefer to just listen to him talk and tell me all his hilarious work experiences) and miss his touch. And the last time I went back home for Christmas, I missed him terribly too, psychologically knowing that we were 1 1/2 hours apart and not in the same town. OMG, I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. THIS IS MAKING ME EVEN MORE CRANKY. URGHhhh...but still missing him nonetheless. *forlorn look*


TGIL= The Guy I Like

A compassionate patient

I have this patient who was so worried for my colleagues' and my young adulthood. She asked me "Doctor, you all semua nampak macam teenagers. You all ada tak masa untuk pergi tengok wayang and shopping. Mak cik risau la..."

Another time, I wanted to take her blood in the evening.

Me: Mak cik, nak ambil darah eh..

Patient: Boleh doktor, boleh. Asalkan doktor boleh duduk. Mak cik tengok kamu ni always on your toes,  

            tak pernah duduk. 

(Me taking her blood while standing.)

Patient: Doktor, duduk lah cepat...At least you dapat duduk sekejap.

As she was a chronic patient, she was in the ward for quite some time and witnessed us slogging like a bull.

Another time, she commented "Doktor, saya rasa kalau mak kamu tengok kamu macam ini, mesti dia sedih dan susah hati."

She frequently asked me whether have I eaten. Initially I find her talkative and demanding. But towards the end, her compassion touched me. And her abrupt comments daily made me smile in the midst of my stress.

I don't think I'll have wrinkles later in life because I am sure that my face is so contorted and tense from all the stress that I am feeling almost every day that my skin will have no chance to sag. LOL. I used to think that my face is unreadable and that I can hide my feelings quite well. But lately I noticed that I have been quite readable. There were several times that the people around me noticed and commented that I look so stressed or tired etc etc and at those times, they were spot on correct.

These few days have been crazy. There seem to be a huge surge in the number of females getting sick. My ward is so bloody full, like crazy full. Ladies, please take care of yourselves! We don't want to out-win the guys in this aspect.

I really saved a life this time

The new year's eve of 2013-  31.12.12 - will always be a memorable day for me.

I was working night shift on that day. And I saved a life. Literally. I mean I am a doctor. Technically my job is to save lives, or so they tell me. But the way I see, it's more like preventing people from dying everyday. Patients with acute coronary syndrome, we start them on S/C Fondaparinux etc etc...it treats and prevents them from another attack, and thus preventing their death and complications. 

But on 31.12.12....Oh wait, it happened at 5ish am, so it was already 1.1.2013. Hmm... Well, a memorable New Year's Day then. My colleague and I were clerking a new case that came in at about 0430. The staff nurse was measuring the blood pressure of the patient right next to us and found the patient unresponsive. I attended immediately and found absent pulse. Started CPR stat. Well, of all the resuscitations that I have done in medical so far, 7 out of 10 were patients with DIL NAR (technically no CPR is done if it's NAR) And well, all of the patients that I have resuscitated so far in my 5 weeks of medical posting ended up LO, so much so that when I was resuscitating this patient, I was prepared for her demise. It's terrible I know, but an asystole patient or a patient that is almost gone really, really looks very dead...I sound very crude but it's true. They looked so dead that at the back of mind in the midst resuscitation, I was so certain that they would just pass on. 

And so my colleague and I were taking turns doing CPR while waiting for the MO. MO came, proceeded to the next step of resuscitation using drugs....and so on. Meanwhile the cardiac monitor was showing a flat line, SpO2 27%. And then after 15-20 minutes, PULSE. THERE WAS A PULSE. THE CARDIAC MONITOR WAS ALIVE AGAIN SHOWING REGULAR HEART BEAT, and I could still remember, the heart beat I saw was 126bpm. We stopped the CPR and the pulse remained and stayed strong. I didn't feel the impact of what I had done until after everything, my MO said to me,

"Thanks a lot for just now. Your CPR saved the patient's life." 

And these words kept repeating itself in my mind the whole day. I literally, really brought a patient back from the dead, brought a patient back to life! My CPR works! My resuscitation works! My judgement and decision while waiting for the MO were correct and accurate! I was in awe! Wow, CPR actually works?!!!

I was so inspired, so motivated, so touched.

My hope is renewed. My faith in CPR is renewed. I will not merely do resuscitation for the sake of resuscitating. From now on, I will be resuscitating my patients with a renewed vigour, with a fighting spirit. I will fight for my patients because who else can they trust to fight for them, if not me?!

Thank you God for this great lesson. Thank you Dr H for your encouragement. To that patient, and all my patients, Thank you because I have learned and am still learning so much from you, through you.


*DIL= Death in line
*NAR= Not for active resuscitation

Falling into routine

I'm falling into the routine as a houseman in medical. As expected, I had some trouble adjusting in the first week. The first week when I was tagging was like hell on earth. The long hours, the never ever ending tasks even when I was working from 5ish am to 11pm.

Towards my second week, I started to speed up and got used to the pace. No longer do I waste my time with self-pity, instead I just work work and work with the aim to finish my job and go back on time. Yes, my daily aim, OUR DAILY AIM, THE DAILY AIM of every HO in medical is to be able to go back on time. And on the rare occasions that I get to go back on time, I would always be quite hesitant and start thinking of any task which I may have missed or forgotten. 

I am very blessed. I work in a ward where my specialist and MO are great. They are nice and chilled. So it makes work somewhat easier in a way. And we have a surge of HO in medical now so we have enough army to fight the battle everyday. My colleagues are great and competent too.

Everything is working out at the moment. 

And of course, TGIL is making me smile for no reason everyday. I am happy. 

*TGIL= The Guy I Like  *sheepish grin*

Distressed but smiling

In medical now.

Busy as hell.

Life sucks.

Shed a few tears yesterday.

Came back and prayed like mad.

Night shift was much better. I felt much better.

Went for a second date today. Laughed so hard at a few hilarious stories.

Going to bed with a smile. 

Though I do not know the outcome, I am grateful for the moment, at the moment. For the many conversations with you. For the handphone beeps that signaled your daily messages. Each of this beep always makes me smile, even in moments of distress while at work, especially when I need to feel a slight inclination to smile to dispel some of my distress. And it always works. I thank God for your current presence in my life. And I hope and pray we will have a good outcome :)

My heart wept

We have an abandoned baby today. He was found in a tupperware and abandoned in a public toilet.

My heart wept for him.

He is such a beautiful baby, so round and handsome...really a handsome beautiful baby boy with such beautiful eyes complete with the double eye lids. And a dimple. Yes, you guessed right. I have been cuddling him for 15-20 minutes, just staring at him, mesmerized by his innocence, beauty and cuteness.

HOW...JUST HOW....TELL ME HOW....HOW CAN ANYONE ABANDON SUCH A BABY because I can't bear to put him down myself. If there hadn't been a new case for me to clerk, I would have just held on to him for a full one hour until I had to knock off from work.

How can anyone abandon their own baby, for that matter, cute or not?! They are your own flesh and blood, your cells and genes, YOU make them and bring them to this cruel place we call Earth. Instead of protecting them from the harshness and cruelties of life, you throw them to the wild, defenseless and leave them to fend for themselves. It is no better than murdering your own children.

I feel so helpless. What can I do to help this baby? What can I do to help all the abandoned babies out there? What can I do to prevent or reduce the cases of abandoned babies? I hope I can do something, I wish I can do something. I vow that I will do something probably not now, but in the future, when I am in the position of more power/ respect/ status. Or anyone has any suggestion of anything that I can do now?

Arrghh...it's frustrating and saddening at the same time!

The crush

I was all fine and ready to get over the crush. After all I have 3 more weeks left before I transfer to a new department and it's sayonara to him. Everything is all planned out in my mind-  Move on. Forget him. It's just a crush. It's too short a time to be called..ehem..Lov...Nah... There's nothing time cannot heal or change. There will always be someone to crush on later so that at least, going to work may be fun.

Until.... that fateful night....

When I was offered a glimmer of hope. 

By a third party.

Who told me that....

HE is into me as well.

"WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!" I said. 

 Nah, do you think I'm nuts?! Of course I didn't say that. 

To put it simply, I may have somehow passed the message back and hinted that the feeling was mutual, of course in the hope that HE might get the message.

And days passed. Nothing. I would be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed. It's either the third party was lying or that The Crush is doing a pretty darn good job at hiding his feelings. I mean you would know when a guy likes you. You would KINDA know. BUT, I don't sense a thing at all from him. In fact, from day 1, I have always thought that it was one-sided (from my side of course) because I have not an inkling feeling at all, not at all, that I was being liked by him.

I think it would be somewhat a tragedy...(haha...I'm so dramatic)... I mean it would be such a waste if  nothing happens. It's such a rare event that two people can happen to like each other at the same time (and place). It would really be a tragedy when these two people who like each other are both too lazy or shy or cowardly to do anything about it and just let this special feeling be a bygone.

Bright-eyed

I think I may, kinda, quite like someone at the moment. It is a nice feeling at first. It reminds me that my 'heart' still works. But over time, I think it can be quite a bother. It's a nice feeling when I go to work and see him. But then, I don't feel too good when he's in a different shift. So you see, why it's a bother.

I have watched the movie "He's just not that into you" few years back. It's actually quite a boring movie but the lesson of the movie is that Girls think too much and read too much into something trivial. So I am just not going to think like a girl and over-analyze stuff. But it's not a very good thing to not over-analyze stuff too because that can only mean one thing "He's just not that into me!" HAHA.. Let's just say we're on good terms as colleagues. But that's about it. This is me not over-analyzing. Now, if I were to over-analyze......don't get me started...

The thing is I'm not flirtatious nor am I very skillful in you know, triggering sparks or attracting attention my way. When I see other girls employing that skill, MY! What a skill!

Oh well, it's not Love. So I will survive. It makes me a a little more excited to go to work, like there's something to look forward to. Just a little. Otherwise, going to work will be like this all the time...

Now at least, sometimes, my eyes can be opened brightly, however much my small eyes will allow...

Love-hate relationship

Gosh I am so having a crush on Romeo Tan, the new-ish Spore actor. So handsome.... *silly girlish gush*
Gosh Eunice. Grow up, woman!
Well, old ladies have crushes too. So I can too. *adamant*

On a different note, I have this love-hate relationship with my job. Hate is an exaggeration, but you get my point. When I am working, I feel alive, excited, interested, enthusiastic and satisfied BUT I am also feeling nervous, scared, angry and humiliated sometimes. I am falling short of being a nervous wreck, what with all these feelings bombarding me all at the same time. But I am still in control right now. Still.

When I am not working or when it's a slow day at work, I feel so lethargic and bored. I hate sitting down and doing nothing. I hate not doing anything. And so I would yearn for a busy time when I have free time. Time seems to pass by faster when you are busy. Like I was off yesterday and by evening time, I can't wait to go back to work today. How sick am I!

Anyhow, I better not over-analyze myself. Like I was once told, I am too conscious of my emotions. Is that even possible? Too conscious of your emotions! Apparently so. So how do I inhibit this over- consciousness of my own feelings? Ahh...

Let's start my STOP THINKING.  OR.....

Think of Romeo Tan. *Goofy grin*

(Romeo is a celebrity blogger. I should remind myself never to comment on his blog. If he accidentally clicks on my comment and sees this post, it would be beyond humiliating.)

The last post is an understatement compared to this

I thought I was in deep shit 2 weekends ago. Boy, that was peanuts compared to what happened 2 days ago. I was flung so suddenly and so violently into this pile of mess. 

I am a one-month-old houseman. I haven't got the chance to attend a mortality meeting before. I will be attending my first mortality meeting tomorrow and guess what? I will be presenting. I will be presenting in my first ever mortality meeting and need I add, in front of 2 heads of departments, all the consultants and specialists, all the MOs and all my colleagues. 

There is no word to describe what I am feeling and what I am about the feel tomorrow. Everything that I was feeling since 2 days ago will be amplified 10 times tomorrow. I just hope my knees will not give way from shaking too much or my fingers will not shake so much that I couldn't press the keyboard. And most of all, I hope that I will not betray myself and start crying. 

Some colleagues have been nice and helpful. My HOD requested to meet me first thing in the morning today. It's a miracle I could still sleep last night. But it turns out, he just wanted to ask me how am I feeling, if I am feeling depressed and if I could continue working. Thank you for the concern Dr. In view of what has happened, I never thought that you would still have time to think of my wellbeing. So I am truly touched. Another MO whom I have only met once gave me a pat on the back. It wasn't much but it is an encouragement to me. In times like this, what I need most is ENCOURAGEMENT, not sympathy and not even comfort. 

I know I will survive tomorrow. God will not give us challenges that we can't overcome. Although I am aware of this, it doesn't stem my fear. As usual, trying to numb myself so that I won't have to think or feel anything. I have been thinking so much that I don't know what to think anymore. 

Transition & Adjustment

OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU, MY DEAR BLOG!

So much has happened in these 2 weeks. I underwent and am still undergoing one of the major transitions in life- from student to working adult.

The whole world must know by now that I got Paeds as my first posting. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to enter Paeds later on, when I am more competent and experienced because I wanted to do really well in that department and maximize my learning there. Oh well, God has a better plan. And I am starting to see the  upside of it.

Most of my colleagues are nice and kind enough to show me what I don't know. I am incredibly grateful to 2 of my new colleagues, Soo and Lim, who have taught me the most. Being new, I have no idea what I am supposed to know and what I don't know. Both of them have been telling and teaching me the essentials of what a HO must know. So, so far I am surviving thanks to the knowledge they have imparted to me.

Found a fabulous house to stay. It's exactly what I hope for with a reasonable price. Again, it might be a blessing in disguise that I didn't get a place in the hospital quarters.

Loving the kids in Paeds. Witnessed Salaam fits after many rantings from Dr Selim in the past. And being a doctor now, I don't feel like as if I am a space-occupying lesion in the ward. Now, I have every right to walk where I want in the ward, flip the case note, write in the case note and examine the patients. And my favourite of all...procedures.. I am still grabbing every opportunity I can to practise and master blood-taking in Paeds.

But it's not all a bed of roses. I feel like I am walking into a landmine everyday when I go to work. Any moment, I could have done the wrong thing or miss an important sign or symptom in a patient, calculated the wrong medication dosages, stepped on the foot of any colleague or MO or specialist and be extended.. And in JB, thanks to everyone's reminder, I am at high risk of being a robbery or snatch theft victim or worse. So every morning when I stepped out of my room, the stress level starts to mount.

I really have to learn to take things easy. I am putting so much stress on myself unnecessarily. And I really have to learn to trust God more then perhaps, I would have more peace. Everyday, after work, when I got into my car, the first thing I do is to thank God that a day has passed where I didn't screw things up, that I was an okay doctor today, that I didn't cost a life.

Night call today..and 2 days off the following days. Time to unwind and relax after tonight!!!

Am I expecting too much?

The tap water is running and overflowing in the bathroom and somehow, he can't seem to hear it.
The stench from his pet permeates the living room and somehow, he can't seem to smell it.
The mother is groaning in pain due to backache from overwork and he can't seem to lift a finger to help out around the house.
The parents are worried sick of his future and yet he can't seem to push himself to study harder.
He has so much potential, so many talents, so much determination, so much discipline but yet they are not properly utilized.
He has a soft heart, a kind heart, loyalty, sensibility but are these enough for him to survive in the harsh and cruel world?

I love him so much. That is probably why I am so exasperated that he is not trying his best to live up to his potential. I thought maybe I expect too much from him. But how can you expect too much from someone who has not even put in 20% of their effort?

I don't look down on the garbage-collector, the trishaw-puller or the kueh tiaw-seller. I respect these people for their diligence, their down-to-earth self. These people earn an honest wage.

I don't expect him to be like me. I just want to see some form of effort, some hard work. I want him to have a goal in life towards which he can pursue and work hard to achieve. Most of all, I don't want to see history repeating itself and the victim being him. THAT is why I am so worried about him.

Down with the sexist men

One of the qualities in men that I absolutely abhor is sexism. Sexist men...one sexist comment from their mouth and these men are automatically transferred to my list of intolerable, insufferable humans to be avoided at all costs, no matter if they go on to win the Nobel Prize or be the Richest Man on the Planet.

I was extremely restless and annoyed yesterday. First thing in the morning, my whole class waited for 1 hour 30 minutes for a doctor, who did not arrive in the end (though I can bet that it's not his fault, he's a very respectable doctor whom we all like). Might I add that in the midst of waiting, I asked the administrative staff in my school office, who very politely told me it's none of her business, when in fact, it's totally her and her department's business to call and remind the doctors about the lectures.

And then I spent 3 hours 30 minutes in the afternoon listening to 3 gentlemen from the government department brief us about HOW to apply for housemanship. The objective of these 3 talks were important and relevant enough, except that by the end of the day, my whole class still doesn't have a single clue on what we are supposed to do. We were supposed to fill in an online form and up till today, not one of the 69 of us has managed to fill in the online form successfully due to their website problem. Oh the government of Malaysia, when will you ever progress?!

The second speaker was the aforementioned insufferable and intolerable man. He was the typical Malay (I'm not racist, you'll know why I had to add in this adjective later), government worker who talked about discipline, appropriate attire (now you know what I mean, only Malaysian Malay Men who work with the government like to talk about 'appropriate' attire) and proper appearance. He said "Ladies have to make themselves attractive...*a little commotion among the crowd, or maybe it was just me*... No..no...seriously, it's important to be attractive and fashionable a bit. For example, that time I went to a hospital in Thailand, the nurses there are all very attractive." I waited for his rationale and reasoning to support his comment but none came. What's the point and objective of his example, I don't know. And ironically, he is not even an attractive man to begin with. He then touched on attire..."For ladies, janganlah pakai pakaian yang menjolok mata." (Fair enough an advice)...He then continued "Menyeksa orang di sekeliling tengok...fahamkan apa yang saya cakap...?" Am I the only oversensitive female or was his comment utterly and despicably disgusting?! He's also rather hypocritical, asking us not to dress too attractively (menjolok mata) and then, stressing on the importance of being attractive. Well, they are not synonymous I know but you get my point. He then went on about moral and discipline..bla...bla...bla... Oh about moral, did you people know LAUGHING TOO LOUD is considered TIDAK BERMORAL? Disappointingly, 2 of my male classmates told me they enjoyed his talk the most. Somebody, KILL ME! Not surprisingly, those 2 guys are also 2 of the most sexist males in my class.

Attractiveness is a very subjective thing. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Attractive is important, you say? Are you telling us that your department considers attractiveness as a criteria for housemanship application? That you are going to choose only the attractive females and give them the hospitals that they want? Are you going to choose the attractive females and give them more benefits? Is being attractive going to make us a safer doctor? Are attractive female doctors going to save more lives? The last I remember, I signed up for Med school, not Malaysian's Next Top Model. I am not jealous of attractive women (good for you ladies) nor am I upset that I am not as hot as Megan Fox. It's just that I thought I live in the 21st century where responsibility, reliability, diligence, intelligence, kindness, versatility, confidence and creativity are more important qualities to stress on, rather than a mere 'attractiveness'.

BOO to the sexist pigs!

Nightmare

I woke up at dawn today with a jolt. A nightmare woke me. I very very seldom have dreams and nightmares. I dreamt that I was back at my old house, the house I grew up as a child. I was at my kitchen and I saw some movement outside the window. I thought it was a cat trying to jump in through the window. My old neighbourhood, was notorious for stray cats. It turned out that it wasn't a cat but only a man on a bicycle passing by. It was too late, because I had thought it was a cat and I had uttered 'Shoo'. The man must have been offended, or so I thought in the nightmare. He stopped, passed his hand through my kitchen window and took a piece of food off the table and fed it to his cat. Somehow he had a cat with him. LOL... And then, he got off his bicycle, and tried to undo the lock on my window grill (the lock was unlocked) to climb in. I was looking at him and shouting for my mum and quickly got hold of a knife to threaten him. But he was oblivious to my knife and shouting and continued to climb in.

And then I woke up. I could remember the face of this man so vividly. No, it's not someone I know. But, his face is so vivid that if the police asked me to identify this man, I would have done so straightaway without a doubt. It got me thinking... I have been lucky so far in that I have never encountered a thief or robber face-to-face. *shuddering at the thought of it*  I can't imagine what I would do especially if the robber/thief is someone who is not afraid of you...like that guy in my nightmare, who would continue to charge at you despite your realization of what he is going to do.

I have never considered the crime rates of a city as a factor when I decide where to stay or live. I am going to apply to a hospital in JB for my HO. One of my friends, a guy might I add, told us that among his reasons for not applying to JB is the high crime rates. I found it so ridiculous then. Maybe it isn't that preposterous after all.

The last time I had a really really terrible nightmare, I woke up crying like a burst pipe, scaring my roommates. I had dreamed that something had happened to my parents. It was so real that I could remember hoping, even in my dreams, that everything would only be a dream. Of course, one of the reasons I woke up crying that time was because I was so relieved that it was only a dream. This time again, I had an almost irresistible urge to call home and make sure my family is okay. I know I am not psychic. I am not one of those people whose dreams mean something and turn out to be true. It's just I am a bit paranoid when it comes to the safety and well-being of mi familia. Isn't everyone?