The gift within the gift

This is going to be a happy post...been a long time since I posted something happy :)

Valentine's Day special ... Lol...

 We had a simple celebration of Japanese food, an action movie watched in the comforts of his room (The Escape Plan- it's such an awesome movie. I had to pause the movie a few times to give my heart a  break from the adrenaline rush.) The highlight of it all is the gift within the gift. It was a beautiful photo frame with a photo of us. That is just so sweet and just such a thoughtful gift coming from a guy. It's the sort of gift a girl would give a guy and usually the guy wouldn't be bothered..lol.. I mean come on, I didn't even thought of that. Am I a girl or what?! 

Now the gift within the gift. He wrote me a card (card is our thing..we always give each other card with our gift and again it's something started by him..). And on the card, he wrote me a POEM! If my heart could melt, it would! The poem is so sweet, so lovely, so romantic that I was rendered quite speechless! Now I am not a poetry kinda person. I don't read poems. So I didn't know if he took it from some book or renowned poet. I wouldn't have known. But it was later confirmed that he created the poem himself. *blissful sigh*  I grinned stupidly every time I thought of the poem..just like the first few weeks when we started going out. 

Hmm.. He asked me a question on the card that could either has a very superficial meaning but could also be misconstrued for a deeper meaning. Anyway, for whatever level of meaning the question has to indicate, my answer would still be the same. So i reciprocated and gave him my reply via (I truly regret now) whatsapp! I could have like written him a romantic reply on a note or something but I didn't 'cuz I was in a hurry to give him my reply..don't know why.. Anyway, don't think too much, which is also what he kinda said when I asked him the meaning of his question.. LOL

                                    

                              

                            

                         

In return, what did I give him? A lousy card which I made myself and my so-called love letter, which appears to be naggy and unromantic next to his poem... How?!!! 

Heartache and Happiness

It is difficult for me to go home. I could imagine the sight of my dad lying on the floor watching tv, sitting on the couch surfing on his phone. I almost expect to hear the sound of his car and him coming through the gate. He seemed to be everywhere in the house and yet he is not. And that makes his absence felt so much more, almost palpable. 

It is hard for me to meet and be with my family too. Being together, all four of us now feels incomplete without my dad. Seeing my mum and my brothers reminds me even more of his absence.

I don't know if is it only me that have such a weird reaction. Bereaved family members should usually find consolation in each other, or that is what I imagine should be. 

I am not too keen on spending Christmas at home this year because going for dinner, being at home, going to Christmas Eve mass just wouldn't feel the same and would be just too much for me. 

I have planned to spend Christmas in Melaka with my family. I have asked the bf to come along. I imagine that we would have a good time. And having him along would be a great help. When I see my family and the reminder of my dad s absence threatens to engulf me, the bf's presence would be like a lifeline for me to hold on to. 

But... He just told me he can't make it as he has stuff to do with his mum on that particular day, Christmas Eve. My first selfish and bratty thought was Why?! Of all the days in a year, why they do have to have prayers on Christmas Eve?! And we have decided to change our anniversary to Dec 25. That makes me want to spend Christmas with him even more.

Perhaps I am too greedy. For wanting too much. To have the best of both worlds. My family and Him. 

Having him in my life is a great source of happiness, comfort and joy to me. But I supposed in a relationship, with the happiness that comes along, sometimes you also have to bear with the aches and disappointment. The disappointment when a date couldn't take place, when promises/ expectation cannot be fulfilled, the ache of missing each other when you couldn't get to see each other for many days, the worries you have for each other. 

I can be very vocal and loud and straightforward. But I am neither of those when it comes to expressing my feelings. So far I usually just swallow my disappointment and aches and just try to rise above the occasion. To think and reason. That he doesn't want things to turn out that particular way either. I wonder if this is the right way to act and react. Perhaps the right thing to do would be to express my feelings to him. I don't know. I will just have to wait and see and use my own trial- and- error attempts. 

Anniversary Month and Anniversary Resolutions

November is my new favorite month on top of December. December has always been my favorite month because it is the Christmas month and the holidays month. December is such 'tis a season to be jolly time..it just feels festive for me, preparing and counting down the days to Christmas.

Now November is my new second favorite month now because it is my anniversary month. LOL. Few months ago, I had this conversation with the BF. I asked him when is our anniversary..as in on which date should we consider it our anniversary..Our first date? The date we officially became a couple? The day we first met? Well, there wasn't much discussion. We just agreed on the first. Our first date. And yes,

Today is our first-year anniversary! 

Like wow! It has been one year already?!

When I quizzed him on the date of our first date, hmm..he didn't get it right. I got it right...after I went and searched the movie ticket and checked the date on it (I confessed to him later on)! HAHA.. And he tried to cover for himself for getting the date wrong by saying "Let's make the whole of November our Anniversary Month and we will celebrate every day in November!" Ha...Nice trick! But it is the trick that we eventually agreed on later, that we will make November our Anniversary Month instead of just having A DAY.

And I guess that is why we are both not celebrating today. We are both working today. And I haven't even got him a gift yet! Eheh...

Let's see...Our first date.. We went for Skyfall movie and a Japanese dinner before that. I was the one who made the first move and asked him out first. I made that FIRST move and he made all other subsequent moves from then on. There have been a number of dates prior to us becoming officially a couple but there wasn't much hesitancy or thought-pondering processes where we would wonder whether he likes me or not and vice versa. There wasn't much courting, as in...Say a guy likes this girl who initially doesn't have feelings for him and so he has to go all out to make her fall in love with him or vice versa. There wasn't that because we both already mutually like each other from the start. Of course, it is not like there wasn't any at all because although we like each other, we weren't like head over heels in love. So I guess, there is still that effort that every couple puts in to make each fall IN LOVE with the other. We are a very undramatic couple, which is very well suited to me. I don't like drama...those complicated things associated with relationship..arrghh..such a drag.

Anniversary resolution:-
1. We have to take more photos together as a couple!
We don't camwhore enough. Sometimes when I miss him, I would browse through my photos of him and I'd flabbergasted..Like WHAT! That is all the photos I have of him?!

2. We have to explore more places together.
We often joke that we are the most unproductive couple. If given the choice, we would just eat in everytime and then cuddle together while watching a movie.

3. Continue to be passionately in love with each other (I know damn mushy..haha)

Now I reallyyy need to go get him the anniversary gift!

Pampered and Loved

There have been a few times when I really wanted to blog but the internet at my house is practically non-existent. I'm hoping that I'll have time to finish blogging this post before the internet is down again.

3 more weeks to my medical posting. Can't wait to leave already, unlike in Paeds when I didn't feel like leaving at the end of my posting. Passed my medical assessment, with a shocking 97%. I didn't do that, God did. It just couldn't be me. I didn't even have time and the motivation to properly revise. My assessment was on Valentine's day, Thursday and the day before was Ash Wednesday, a day of obligation, meaning it was a must to go to church for mass. But I skipped church on Wed and I felt so bad and so guilty. But if I had gone, I would just come back from church and crash straightaway without studying.

In retrospect, God is great indeed! I had some time to study on Wednesday at the expense of missing church. My ward wasn't the active ward on Thursday, which meant that I could finish my ward work quite fast, leaving me with some time to study and calm down before my assessment in the afternoon. I was so afraid that God would punish me for not going to church but I was such a faithless creature for even thinking that. God is loving and wonderful and merciful. How could he possibly be so petty as to fail me just because I missed Ash Wed?! I was completely speechless and just touched when I found out I passed with such good marks.

During my assessment, I got a call from a guy asking me very abruptly for my exact location in the hospital. I was annoyed at first. For one, I was in the middle of exams and this guy never introduced himself and just asked "Di mana kamu sekarang?" To cut the story short

A bouquet of roses with a box of chocolate was delivered to the hospital for me, to my ward, signed and received by a male colleague on behalf of me in front of all the patients, my colleagues and MO. I told the sender later that luckily I wasn't in the ward to receive the flowers in person and be the center of attention. Imagine the horror! Haha..  I know I deserved to be smacked for saying this. Many girls would kill to be at the center of attention for this. But what to do?! I am just too shy! Muahaha...   

The gifts, the dinner, the time spent with you, the many hugs and kisses...

I feel very pampered and very much loved. 

C.R.A.N.K.Y

My threshold is 1 week- The threshold for the duration which I can stand not seeing TGIL. I realised that since the beginning, we have always gone out at least once a week and because of this, I can only stand not seeing him up till 7 days. Every time we meet up, it's like I am recharged. Today, it's almost nearing the deadline of 7 days and I find myself missing him terribly, although we talk EVERYDAY! And we work in the same hospital. OMG, I hope I am not some kind of weirdo/ clingy girl because that's the last thing I want to be.

Worked night shift last night. The exhaustion and insufficient sleep and missing him is making me very very cranky and a bad company, considering my brother is in town. So unfair to my brother.

To release some bit of crankiness within, I don't care how overly mushy I am. I miss seeing him, miss being next to him, miss our actual face-to-face conversation (although I prefer to just listen to him talk and tell me all his hilarious work experiences) and miss his touch. And the last time I went back home for Christmas, I missed him terribly too, psychologically knowing that we were 1 1/2 hours apart and not in the same town. OMG, I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. THIS IS MAKING ME EVEN MORE CRANKY. URGHhhh...but still missing him nonetheless. *forlorn look*


TGIL= The Guy I Like

Distressed but smiling

In medical now.

Busy as hell.

Life sucks.

Shed a few tears yesterday.

Came back and prayed like mad.

Night shift was much better. I felt much better.

Went for a second date today. Laughed so hard at a few hilarious stories.

Going to bed with a smile. 

Though I do not know the outcome, I am grateful for the moment, at the moment. For the many conversations with you. For the handphone beeps that signaled your daily messages. Each of this beep always makes me smile, even in moments of distress while at work, especially when I need to feel a slight inclination to smile to dispel some of my distress. And it always works. I thank God for your current presence in my life. And I hope and pray we will have a good outcome :)

The crush

I was all fine and ready to get over the crush. After all I have 3 more weeks left before I transfer to a new department and it's sayonara to him. Everything is all planned out in my mind-  Move on. Forget him. It's just a crush. It's too short a time to be called..ehem..Lov...Nah... There's nothing time cannot heal or change. There will always be someone to crush on later so that at least, going to work may be fun.

Until.... that fateful night....

When I was offered a glimmer of hope. 

By a third party.

Who told me that....

HE is into me as well.

"WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE!" I said. 

 Nah, do you think I'm nuts?! Of course I didn't say that. 

To put it simply, I may have somehow passed the message back and hinted that the feeling was mutual, of course in the hope that HE might get the message.

And days passed. Nothing. I would be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed. It's either the third party was lying or that The Crush is doing a pretty darn good job at hiding his feelings. I mean you would know when a guy likes you. You would KINDA know. BUT, I don't sense a thing at all from him. In fact, from day 1, I have always thought that it was one-sided (from my side of course) because I have not an inkling feeling at all, not at all, that I was being liked by him.

I think it would be somewhat a tragedy...(haha...I'm so dramatic)... I mean it would be such a waste if  nothing happens. It's such a rare event that two people can happen to like each other at the same time (and place). It would really be a tragedy when these two people who like each other are both too lazy or shy or cowardly to do anything about it and just let this special feeling be a bygone.

Bright-eyed

I think I may, kinda, quite like someone at the moment. It is a nice feeling at first. It reminds me that my 'heart' still works. But over time, I think it can be quite a bother. It's a nice feeling when I go to work and see him. But then, I don't feel too good when he's in a different shift. So you see, why it's a bother.

I have watched the movie "He's just not that into you" few years back. It's actually quite a boring movie but the lesson of the movie is that Girls think too much and read too much into something trivial. So I am just not going to think like a girl and over-analyze stuff. But it's not a very good thing to not over-analyze stuff too because that can only mean one thing "He's just not that into me!" HAHA.. Let's just say we're on good terms as colleagues. But that's about it. This is me not over-analyzing. Now, if I were to over-analyze......don't get me started...

The thing is I'm not flirtatious nor am I very skillful in you know, triggering sparks or attracting attention my way. When I see other girls employing that skill, MY! What a skill!

Oh well, it's not Love. So I will survive. It makes me a a little more excited to go to work, like there's something to look forward to. Just a little. Otherwise, going to work will be like this all the time...

Now at least, sometimes, my eyes can be opened brightly, however much my small eyes will allow...

Love-hate relationship

Gosh I am so having a crush on Romeo Tan, the new-ish Spore actor. So handsome.... *silly girlish gush*
Gosh Eunice. Grow up, woman!
Well, old ladies have crushes too. So I can too. *adamant*

On a different note, I have this love-hate relationship with my job. Hate is an exaggeration, but you get my point. When I am working, I feel alive, excited, interested, enthusiastic and satisfied BUT I am also feeling nervous, scared, angry and humiliated sometimes. I am falling short of being a nervous wreck, what with all these feelings bombarding me all at the same time. But I am still in control right now. Still.

When I am not working or when it's a slow day at work, I feel so lethargic and bored. I hate sitting down and doing nothing. I hate not doing anything. And so I would yearn for a busy time when I have free time. Time seems to pass by faster when you are busy. Like I was off yesterday and by evening time, I can't wait to go back to work today. How sick am I!

Anyhow, I better not over-analyze myself. Like I was once told, I am too conscious of my emotions. Is that even possible? Too conscious of your emotions! Apparently so. So how do I inhibit this over- consciousness of my own feelings? Ahh...

Let's start my STOP THINKING.  OR.....

Think of Romeo Tan. *Goofy grin*

(Romeo is a celebrity blogger. I should remind myself never to comment on his blog. If he accidentally clicks on my comment and sees this post, it would be beyond humiliating.)

Romance to Action

A few years ago, I had this Underworld  VCD at home and I turned it on, wanting to watch it. A few minutes later, I turned it off, too scared of the monsters. A horror scene or a monster could be so fake that a 5-year-old could watch it without fear but before me, it could be so scary that I have to close my eyes and shut my ears and still have vivid images of them when I lay on my bed at night. Well, guess what? I definitely have more guts now. I watched "Underworld: Awakening" today and I LOVE IT! I love the actions, the gruesome killings, the so-ugly-that-it-becomes-scary-looking Lycans and not even the sweet little girl who turns evil-looking and could climb on the wall scared me.
(There's something about monsters and ghosts that climb on the wall which scares the hell out of me. I could stay awake in fear imagining a ghost perched at the corner of the ceiling looking down. Great, now I am scaring myself.)

I have been a bit of an action movie junkie lately. The killings, bombs, guns and bullets, fightings, assassination- I love it all. Gone are the days when I only watch chick flicks or romance. Now it's action *cracks knuckles*

Anyone has all the movies of Underworld?

Week 2

Week 2 in surgical posting

Surgery is fun and relaxing.

Standing for hours watching surgeries is taking a toil on my back and leg veins. I can almost feel my varicose veins worsening. Seriously contemplating the options for treatment should they worsen. I was kidding around with Nadiah- When people asked me next time why I didn't end up pursuing surgery, I will tell them "Oh because I don't want to get varicose veins."

The hospital and OR are Brrr-rrr Cold, a big difference from previous Medicine posting, when I was soaked with sweat which would turn into dried sticky sweat with dust and oil on my face, and then began sweating again- the cycle of sweat-- dried sweat--- sweat the whole day- Something I am glad to be rid of now.

Miss Saw is great. Love her teaching and was not as fearsome as people say and certainly not as terrifying as  Dr Snake from O & G last time. But still, she has an infamous reputation. People who work alongside her are known and bound to get SAWED by her, literally di-gergaji. But I still think her teaching is awesome though she is quit fussy. Well, as Dr Soo said, as doctors, we should be more fussy. We would want a fussy doctor to treat us or our family members. Hmmm...but I still hear of some ridiculous rules which she is said to demand of us from our clinical skills. Might have to conclude my impression of her later on.

Have not experienced the awesomeness of the mighty Mr Chuah. I am totally ready to be awed and inspired.

Noticed the ratio of female surgeons to male surgeons is very low. And the ratio of female training specialists/ MO to male is even lower. I also noticed of all the 3 female surgeons, one is single and one is nulliparous (don't know if she is married, she only told us she is nulliparous...lol). Don't know the marital status of the other one. As much as I aspire to be a surgeon, I also want to have a family.

I can't seem to finish my presentation on Painful Scrotum due tomorrow morning. :(

Oh and most importantly, there are many cute MOs in Surgery. I may have a new infatuation, mainly because the old one, who is supposed to be in Surgery too, is nowhere to be seen. So, what choice do I have but to find a new one? HAHA. Hiao-nya aku.