Heartache and Happiness

It is difficult for me to go home. I could imagine the sight of my dad lying on the floor watching tv, sitting on the couch surfing on his phone. I almost expect to hear the sound of his car and him coming through the gate. He seemed to be everywhere in the house and yet he is not. And that makes his absence felt so much more, almost palpable. 

It is hard for me to meet and be with my family too. Being together, all four of us now feels incomplete without my dad. Seeing my mum and my brothers reminds me even more of his absence.

I don't know if is it only me that have such a weird reaction. Bereaved family members should usually find consolation in each other, or that is what I imagine should be. 

I am not too keen on spending Christmas at home this year because going for dinner, being at home, going to Christmas Eve mass just wouldn't feel the same and would be just too much for me. 

I have planned to spend Christmas in Melaka with my family. I have asked the bf to come along. I imagine that we would have a good time. And having him along would be a great help. When I see my family and the reminder of my dad s absence threatens to engulf me, the bf's presence would be like a lifeline for me to hold on to. 

But... He just told me he can't make it as he has stuff to do with his mum on that particular day, Christmas Eve. My first selfish and bratty thought was Why?! Of all the days in a year, why they do have to have prayers on Christmas Eve?! And we have decided to change our anniversary to Dec 25. That makes me want to spend Christmas with him even more.

Perhaps I am too greedy. For wanting too much. To have the best of both worlds. My family and Him. 

Having him in my life is a great source of happiness, comfort and joy to me. But I supposed in a relationship, with the happiness that comes along, sometimes you also have to bear with the aches and disappointment. The disappointment when a date couldn't take place, when promises/ expectation cannot be fulfilled, the ache of missing each other when you couldn't get to see each other for many days, the worries you have for each other. 

I can be very vocal and loud and straightforward. But I am neither of those when it comes to expressing my feelings. So far I usually just swallow my disappointment and aches and just try to rise above the occasion. To think and reason. That he doesn't want things to turn out that particular way either. I wonder if this is the right way to act and react. Perhaps the right thing to do would be to express my feelings to him. I don't know. I will just have to wait and see and use my own trial- and- error attempts. 

Love-hate relationship

Gosh I am so having a crush on Romeo Tan, the new-ish Spore actor. So handsome.... *silly girlish gush*
Gosh Eunice. Grow up, woman!
Well, old ladies have crushes too. So I can too. *adamant*

On a different note, I have this love-hate relationship with my job. Hate is an exaggeration, but you get my point. When I am working, I feel alive, excited, interested, enthusiastic and satisfied BUT I am also feeling nervous, scared, angry and humiliated sometimes. I am falling short of being a nervous wreck, what with all these feelings bombarding me all at the same time. But I am still in control right now. Still.

When I am not working or when it's a slow day at work, I feel so lethargic and bored. I hate sitting down and doing nothing. I hate not doing anything. And so I would yearn for a busy time when I have free time. Time seems to pass by faster when you are busy. Like I was off yesterday and by evening time, I can't wait to go back to work today. How sick am I!

Anyhow, I better not over-analyze myself. Like I was once told, I am too conscious of my emotions. Is that even possible? Too conscious of your emotions! Apparently so. So how do I inhibit this over- consciousness of my own feelings? Ahh...

Let's start my STOP THINKING.  OR.....

Think of Romeo Tan. *Goofy grin*

(Romeo is a celebrity blogger. I should remind myself never to comment on his blog. If he accidentally clicks on my comment and sees this post, it would be beyond humiliating.)

Know myself

The priest asked me today..."If I were to ask you to name 3 good qualities about yourself, what would they be?" It took me lots of "Err... Ah.... Eee" before I could muster up my first quality. And it turned out that it wasn't a quality, that what I have said did not count as a good quality. In a nutshell, I was unable to name, on the spot, even one good quality about myself. If it were to be a job interview, I would have failed MISERABLY.

The take-home message from Father to me was "Know myself. Don't let me be a stumbling block to myself.. Be thankful for what I AM." 

It seems I have plenty of self- reflection and soul- searching to do.


In the end, Father had to name one good quality OF ME. LOL..And he said "Intelligence". From his point of view, that is one good quality of me. He was surprised I didn't say that. When he mentioned that, I was surprised at myself for not thinking about that. I think that I have taken lots of things for granted. I have taken my own intelligence for granted, all my good qualities for granted when I should be thankful for them. So I thought long and hard (well, not that long and hard actually) and came up with these. The pathetic thing is that I couldn't think of anything else to add in.. :( Are these my only good qualities?

MY GOOD QUALITIES:-

INTELLIGENCE

DILIGENCE

DOWN-TO-EARTH

RECEPTIVE AND OPEN-MINDED

EAGERNESS AND WILLINGNESS TO LEARN

RATIONAL

TIDY AND SYSTEMATIC

LEADERSHIP SKILLS

ABILITY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER

LOYALTY

I was also advised to dwell on the positive emotions. One good and bad thing about me is that I am too aware of my negative feelings that I tend to dwell on them. For example, when I am jealous or envious or disrespectful, I am aware of those feelings when I am feeling it. I am aware that what I am feeling is a negative feeling. So, in the end, I end up dwelling on that, beating myself about the fact that I am such a terrible person for being jealous, envious, disrespectful etc etc. In a way, my OVER-AWARENESS of my own emotions, which is supposed to be a good thing, turns out making things worse. 

That is why I have to KNOW MYSELF. Know that I am not a terrible person. That I am a person with all the good qualities above and dwell on them instead. Focus on the positive emotions. And I still have time to do that because as a person gets older, it becomes harder to change. If you are always an angry person and continues to focus on that, you will of course, continue to be this angry person and even your face changes and takes on an angry expression. So that negative emotion will consume you. And then people don't like you, you sink into depression etc etc...

Father mentioned stuff like cortisol, hippocampus, memory loss, emotions....I was impressed by him, by what a priest actually knows. Within that few minutes, he has touched on anatomy, physiology and some aspects of psychology and psychiatry, not to mention spirituality. WOW! No wonder priests have to study for 7 years. 

Quelling the inferno

We have completed all our main postings (we still have SHOP= Shadow House Officer Posting). Gosh! Fifth year seems to pass by the fastest of all. A facebook friend put on his status "People say time flies, but I say time JETS away." That is most certainly true.

Watched a few movies this week- "Underworld", "The Grey" and "Chronicle". The Grey puts me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Wolves are so smart, gosh, they seem smarter than humans even. Chronicle also puts me on the edge of my seat because it's so bad that a few times, I shoved my butt off the seat and almost left. So disappointing.

Done with my surgical posting exams and yet I am not feeling any more relief or happier because there's PUPUK presentation and MOCK exams after this week and also that I know I am not going to get an A for surgery. And I really want that A. Sigh... Unless, a miracle happens but my performance was just too disappointing that..that...I am not even sure if I want God to convert my substandard performance into an A. Frankly, I know I don't deserve it. But...but..I still want it. Guiltily greedy.

On a different note, someone upset me again. I know something is wrong when you asked me for that number. My first instinct was to lie but then I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. A leopard never changes its spots. Damn it! I never learn! Now I do. Arrghh...I still don't feel better after penning this down....Upset is an understatement. I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE SMASHING A WATERMELON ONTO THE WALL WHILE PRETENDING IT'S YOUR FUCKING HEAD.

To calm myself down, I shall think of other things. Many of my classmates are busy buying postgraduate books...POSTGRADUATE BOOKS. Gosh... Well, we have the RM200 book vouchers and everyone is using that. I am so puzzled as to why they are so kan chiong... I am puzzled because I cannot fathom that feeling of certainty. They are so sure of what they want and what they are going to specialize in. I am also envious in a way. I am still in a state of limbo. I thought I like surgery but..but... see, there's a BUT. I seem to like Paeds more, but I am not sure if I am ready to give up surgery. After all, it has been my secret love for so long (not so secret actually). My future, in my mind, is so full of question marks. But for others, they seem to have a clear image of their future in their mind already.

*Gasp*

I had a panic attack. I thought this week was Week 3 of my current posting. Little did I know it is already Week 4!!! This means I have only 3 more weeks left before end-posting exams, 5 more weeks left before my MOCK exams and before my PUPUK report is due. Not to mention, it's

98 DAYS TO PROFESSIONAL EXAMS! 

*gasping for air*

Somebody, please sedate me!