Quelling the inferno

We have completed all our main postings (we still have SHOP= Shadow House Officer Posting). Gosh! Fifth year seems to pass by the fastest of all. A facebook friend put on his status "People say time flies, but I say time JETS away." That is most certainly true.

Watched a few movies this week- "Underworld", "The Grey" and "Chronicle". The Grey puts me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Wolves are so smart, gosh, they seem smarter than humans even. Chronicle also puts me on the edge of my seat because it's so bad that a few times, I shoved my butt off the seat and almost left. So disappointing.

Done with my surgical posting exams and yet I am not feeling any more relief or happier because there's PUPUK presentation and MOCK exams after this week and also that I know I am not going to get an A for surgery. And I really want that A. Sigh... Unless, a miracle happens but my performance was just too disappointing that..that...I am not even sure if I want God to convert my substandard performance into an A. Frankly, I know I don't deserve it. But...but..I still want it. Guiltily greedy.

On a different note, someone upset me again. I know something is wrong when you asked me for that number. My first instinct was to lie but then I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. A leopard never changes its spots. Damn it! I never learn! Now I do. Arrghh...I still don't feel better after penning this down....Upset is an understatement. I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE SMASHING A WATERMELON ONTO THE WALL WHILE PRETENDING IT'S YOUR FUCKING HEAD.

To calm myself down, I shall think of other things. Many of my classmates are busy buying postgraduate books...POSTGRADUATE BOOKS. Gosh... Well, we have the RM200 book vouchers and everyone is using that. I am so puzzled as to why they are so kan chiong... I am puzzled because I cannot fathom that feeling of certainty. They are so sure of what they want and what they are going to specialize in. I am also envious in a way. I am still in a state of limbo. I thought I like surgery but..but... see, there's a BUT. I seem to like Paeds more, but I am not sure if I am ready to give up surgery. After all, it has been my secret love for so long (not so secret actually). My future, in my mind, is so full of question marks. But for others, they seem to have a clear image of their future in their mind already.