Down with the sexist men

One of the qualities in men that I absolutely abhor is sexism. Sexist men...one sexist comment from their mouth and these men are automatically transferred to my list of intolerable, insufferable humans to be avoided at all costs, no matter if they go on to win the Nobel Prize or be the Richest Man on the Planet.

I was extremely restless and annoyed yesterday. First thing in the morning, my whole class waited for 1 hour 30 minutes for a doctor, who did not arrive in the end (though I can bet that it's not his fault, he's a very respectable doctor whom we all like). Might I add that in the midst of waiting, I asked the administrative staff in my school office, who very politely told me it's none of her business, when in fact, it's totally her and her department's business to call and remind the doctors about the lectures.

And then I spent 3 hours 30 minutes in the afternoon listening to 3 gentlemen from the government department brief us about HOW to apply for housemanship. The objective of these 3 talks were important and relevant enough, except that by the end of the day, my whole class still doesn't have a single clue on what we are supposed to do. We were supposed to fill in an online form and up till today, not one of the 69 of us has managed to fill in the online form successfully due to their website problem. Oh the government of Malaysia, when will you ever progress?!

The second speaker was the aforementioned insufferable and intolerable man. He was the typical Malay (I'm not racist, you'll know why I had to add in this adjective later), government worker who talked about discipline, appropriate attire (now you know what I mean, only Malaysian Malay Men who work with the government like to talk about 'appropriate' attire) and proper appearance. He said "Ladies have to make themselves attractive...*a little commotion among the crowd, or maybe it was just me*... No..no...seriously, it's important to be attractive and fashionable a bit. For example, that time I went to a hospital in Thailand, the nurses there are all very attractive." I waited for his rationale and reasoning to support his comment but none came. What's the point and objective of his example, I don't know. And ironically, he is not even an attractive man to begin with. He then touched on attire..."For ladies, janganlah pakai pakaian yang menjolok mata." (Fair enough an advice)...He then continued "Menyeksa orang di sekeliling tengok...fahamkan apa yang saya cakap...?" Am I the only oversensitive female or was his comment utterly and despicably disgusting?! He's also rather hypocritical, asking us not to dress too attractively (menjolok mata) and then, stressing on the importance of being attractive. Well, they are not synonymous I know but you get my point. He then went on about moral and discipline..bla...bla...bla... Oh about moral, did you people know LAUGHING TOO LOUD is considered TIDAK BERMORAL? Disappointingly, 2 of my male classmates told me they enjoyed his talk the most. Somebody, KILL ME! Not surprisingly, those 2 guys are also 2 of the most sexist males in my class.

Attractiveness is a very subjective thing. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Attractive is important, you say? Are you telling us that your department considers attractiveness as a criteria for housemanship application? That you are going to choose only the attractive females and give them the hospitals that they want? Are you going to choose the attractive females and give them more benefits? Is being attractive going to make us a safer doctor? Are attractive female doctors going to save more lives? The last I remember, I signed up for Med school, not Malaysian's Next Top Model. I am not jealous of attractive women (good for you ladies) nor am I upset that I am not as hot as Megan Fox. It's just that I thought I live in the 21st century where responsibility, reliability, diligence, intelligence, kindness, versatility, confidence and creativity are more important qualities to stress on, rather than a mere 'attractiveness'.

BOO to the sexist pigs!

I want to but I am too chicken

The 2 things which I have always wanted to do but have not yet mustered enough courage to do are:

Get a tattoo. Too paranoid about getting Hepatitis or HIV from non-sterile tattoo equipment. My career, not to mention my life, would be over even before I could begin to say OVER. But I'm sure there are 'clean' tattoo parlors around...hmmm...

Shave my head. I want to shave my head once and donate it for the cancer project where they use real hair to make wigs for cancer patients. I have been following this blog about a young lady with breast cancer fighting for her life. She is getting married soon and her friend has decided to shave her head and donate her hair so that she can wear a wig made out of real hair for her wedding. These are photos of the process.

http://www.client.francescamoore.co.uk/CharityHeadShave_WEB/index.html

There are quite a number of organizations where you can donate your hair to in UK, not sure about Malaysia, though. There's also this Hair for Hope event held in Singapore annually.

http://www.hairforhope.org.sg/

http://www.locksoflove.org/mission.html

http://www.littleprincesses.org.uk/donate/hair.aspx - This organization is based in UK and they accept hair from overseas!

But still, it'll be better to donate to a Malaysian organization first. Help fellow Malaysians first bah...But I can't find any place to donate hair to in Malaysia!!!  Me mum's a hairdresser. It could be my little project during the holidays.

My hair is really long now and it's thick and healthy, although there are few strands of grey in it. I'm tempted to change my hairstyle. Maybe I can take the shortcut. I will not shave but just cut my hair short and donate it. Some website say you need at least 10 inches of hair....hmm.... But it's not nice doing things halfway, not in full spirit of supporting the cause.

Off to measure my hair and imagining myself bald.....

The pleading eyes

I'm enjoying Paeds. The kids are great.

I saw a few uncommon/ rare cases: Williams syndrome, Marfan syndrome, Cockayne syndrome and congenital ichthyosis.

The other day, I was helping a HO hold down a 4-year-old boy during blood-taking. As in every blood-taking in Paeds, the whole scene will be full of drama, especially when the kid is a toddler or an older child. They are old enough to know it hurts and will resist with all their might. I was both heart-broken and amused with this boy. He had so many antics. A few times, he tried screaming at the top of his voice. Then he used the gentle technique. He gave the HO the most soft and pleading eyes and begged the doctor "Doktor, jangan ambil darah...Doktor, jangan ambil darah." To which the HO very gently and firmly replied "Saya mesti. Saya hendak tolong kamu." His pleading failed and he tried to bluff us. He shouted "Saya nak pergi tandas...nak kencing." We were almost fooled until the mom said "Apa nak pergi tandas...ada pampers tu.." He was wearing a diaper. Super LOL! Another HO tried to fool him while trying to search for a nice, fat vein by saying "Tiada cucuk...tengok saja." The smart boy saw the SYRINGE (not even the needle, cuz we have hidden the needle) and said "Tu....tu...jarum!"    AND after the successful blood-taking, he refused to believe us when we told him that it's over and asked "Mana darah...nak tengok darah..."

Kids are amazing. Treating children is amazing. You will never feel cheated as you would treating an asthma patient who smokes or a HIV patient who continues to have UNprotected sex. It requires so much more skill and tact in Paeds. You need to be soft and gentle BUT firm at the same time. Plus you need to speak in that special kiddy voice that you reserve only for them. And you CANNOT NOT smile. So no matter how crappy a day you are having, the kids will make you smile, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

Can you resist that soft, pleading eyes?

Nightmare

I woke up at dawn today with a jolt. A nightmare woke me. I very very seldom have dreams and nightmares. I dreamt that I was back at my old house, the house I grew up as a child. I was at my kitchen and I saw some movement outside the window. I thought it was a cat trying to jump in through the window. My old neighbourhood, was notorious for stray cats. It turned out that it wasn't a cat but only a man on a bicycle passing by. It was too late, because I had thought it was a cat and I had uttered 'Shoo'. The man must have been offended, or so I thought in the nightmare. He stopped, passed his hand through my kitchen window and took a piece of food off the table and fed it to his cat. Somehow he had a cat with him. LOL... And then, he got off his bicycle, and tried to undo the lock on my window grill (the lock was unlocked) to climb in. I was looking at him and shouting for my mum and quickly got hold of a knife to threaten him. But he was oblivious to my knife and shouting and continued to climb in.

And then I woke up. I could remember the face of this man so vividly. No, it's not someone I know. But, his face is so vivid that if the police asked me to identify this man, I would have done so straightaway without a doubt. It got me thinking... I have been lucky so far in that I have never encountered a thief or robber face-to-face. *shuddering at the thought of it*  I can't imagine what I would do especially if the robber/thief is someone who is not afraid of you...like that guy in my nightmare, who would continue to charge at you despite your realization of what he is going to do.

I have never considered the crime rates of a city as a factor when I decide where to stay or live. I am going to apply to a hospital in JB for my HO. One of my friends, a guy might I add, told us that among his reasons for not applying to JB is the high crime rates. I found it so ridiculous then. Maybe it isn't that preposterous after all.

The last time I had a really really terrible nightmare, I woke up crying like a burst pipe, scaring my roommates. I had dreamed that something had happened to my parents. It was so real that I could remember hoping, even in my dreams, that everything would only be a dream. Of course, one of the reasons I woke up crying that time was because I was so relieved that it was only a dream. This time again, I had an almost irresistible urge to call home and make sure my family is okay. I know I am not psychic. I am not one of those people whose dreams mean something and turn out to be true. It's just I am a bit paranoid when it comes to the safety and well-being of mi familia. Isn't everyone?

Floater

42 days to Professional Exams II

And I feel like a floater...Like floaters in the vitreous humor. I am revising Ophthalmology, hence the Ophthalmological jargon. Floating around, reading whatever I can, whenever I can, grabbing whatever knowledge that is floating my way... If only whatever I read could stay ingrained in my memory and not leak out the moment I close the book. How nice if I could be like the big fishes in the sea where they could feed by just opening their mouth and all the plankton would float into their mouth. In my context, how nice if I could just stare or look at the book and all the knowledge would just flow straight into my memory.

It's a good thing, though, that I am still floating and not sinking. Think positive! Think positive! 

The Win-Lose Situation

Sometimes you force yourselves to do the things that you don't want or don't like to do because you know it's good for you. A simple example would be forcing yourself to eat vegetables even though you don't like it because well, vege is supposed to be good for you. Or forcing yourself to get your lazy butt off the couch to go for a jog because you know exercise is good for you. Decisions like these are somewhat easy to make. Actions like that...the act of eating vege and jogging are simple tasks, which do not require your uttermost sincerity or enthusiasm.

What if an action, the consequence of which you know is going to be a good one, involves your utmost sincerity in doing it? Would you simply just do it halfheartedly merely for the sake of reaping that good/ beneficial outcome that comes with your action? For example, your wife wants you to say "I love you" to her and knowing full well that by simply complying and saying "I love you" would make your wife very happy and loved, would you say it, EVEN THOUGH at that moment in time, you do not yet love her or that you just had a bad fight and do not feel like saying "I love you" or you actually do not love her at all or that you have fallen out of love with her? My point is... would you say it (the action) for the sake of making your wife happy (the good outcome) even though you don't mean it at all? Now we know that you have to mean every single syllable of that "I love you" when you say it.

Situation like this is a win-lose/ lose-win situation. You win when you say it because...yay....your wife is happy, your marriage is saved and peace is restored.  You also lose because you force yourself to say something which you don't mean it at all, hence betraying and deceiving yourself.

Another scenario. Say... the Season of Lent is here, it's time to do good and forgive those who have sinned against you. Forgiveness is another act which requires your utmost sincerity. You know you should forgive the people who have done wrong against you (or so you thought). You know forgiveness means letting go of the grudge, the hatred, the bitterness and allowing peace to reign within you again. You even feel guilty if you don't forgive because well, begrudging and hating someone is in itself a sin. And so you let the guilt and your rational mind rule over you and you decide to forgive. BUT, you can't find it in your heart to forgive fully. What happens now? You want to but you can't. Your mind asks you to but your heart does not allow you to. What do you do? You can't force yourself to forgive or love someone like you force yourself to eat that vegetable, EVEN THOUGH you know loving and forgiving is good for you and the other party. Again you win and you lose.

If you forgive: Yay...You win because you've forgiven someone and the forgiven person is happy again BUT you also lose at the same time because you are just kidding and deceiving yourself into believing that you have forgiven when in fact, you haven't.

If you don't forgive: Dang...you lose because unforgiveness is bad for you, yo! It eats you from inside out. BUT you also win, because you remain true to yourself...you didn't let guilt and your too-rational mind trick you into forgiving.

Of course, everything will be simple if your heart and mind are in agreement. But when they are not, this is when you have the WIN-LOSE situation.

Whoever says that life is simple has not yet lived life. Life could only be simple if your mind thinks the same way as your heart feels AND  also if everyone thinks like you and acts like you. No issue then. But life's not like that.

Quelling the inferno

We have completed all our main postings (we still have SHOP= Shadow House Officer Posting). Gosh! Fifth year seems to pass by the fastest of all. A facebook friend put on his status "People say time flies, but I say time JETS away." That is most certainly true.

Watched a few movies this week- "Underworld", "The Grey" and "Chronicle". The Grey puts me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Wolves are so smart, gosh, they seem smarter than humans even. Chronicle also puts me on the edge of my seat because it's so bad that a few times, I shoved my butt off the seat and almost left. So disappointing.

Done with my surgical posting exams and yet I am not feeling any more relief or happier because there's PUPUK presentation and MOCK exams after this week and also that I know I am not going to get an A for surgery. And I really want that A. Sigh... Unless, a miracle happens but my performance was just too disappointing that..that...I am not even sure if I want God to convert my substandard performance into an A. Frankly, I know I don't deserve it. But...but..I still want it. Guiltily greedy.

On a different note, someone upset me again. I know something is wrong when you asked me for that number. My first instinct was to lie but then I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. A leopard never changes its spots. Damn it! I never learn! Now I do. Arrghh...I still don't feel better after penning this down....Upset is an understatement. I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE SMASHING A WATERMELON ONTO THE WALL WHILE PRETENDING IT'S YOUR FUCKING HEAD.

To calm myself down, I shall think of other things. Many of my classmates are busy buying postgraduate books...POSTGRADUATE BOOKS. Gosh... Well, we have the RM200 book vouchers and everyone is using that. I am so puzzled as to why they are so kan chiong... I am puzzled because I cannot fathom that feeling of certainty. They are so sure of what they want and what they are going to specialize in. I am also envious in a way. I am still in a state of limbo. I thought I like surgery but..but... see, there's a BUT. I seem to like Paeds more, but I am not sure if I am ready to give up surgery. After all, it has been my secret love for so long (not so secret actually). My future, in my mind, is so full of question marks. But for others, they seem to have a clear image of their future in their mind already.