I am sorry I can't miss you more

There are times when I think I can do it without you. But there are times like today when i miss you terribly and don't think i don't think I can make it without you. I open my eyes today and forgot for a second that you are gone. I thought of calling you today to ask you how was Sunday mass, to tell you how stressed I am about my exams on Tuesday. I want to hear your voice and to hear you telling me that I can do it and to tell me not to be stressed and just go and try my best. Thoughout my life as a student, whenever I told you how afraid and worried I was about my exams, I could hear it in your voice that u had faith in me, that u always thought I could do well in my exams. I didn realized until now how important your belief and your trust are to me and how they actually serve as motivation for me to go on and embark on my undertakings. 

Since the day you are gone, i tell myself that I do not want to live to a ripe old age. I just want to live till my 60s maybe so that I can go and meet you soon. I still am afraid of death. I am afraid of death of the people around me, of the people that I love because I don't think I can deal again with another loss. But I no longer am afraid of my own death because I could go and meet you soon. 

In the past, whenever I heard of other people's passing, I could sympathise. But I never could empathize. It was always OTHER people and not my own and so i could never truly feel. But now, I could really empathise with the family of my patients who passed away, with my friend whose father just passed away. 

Tears used to be rare. My friends used to call me Ice Queen last time because i don't cry, i didn cry when attended funerals last time. It was just heard for me to tear. I am like a leaking tap these days, and tears seem to come freely and sometimes without me realizing whenever the thought of you comes. 

I want to miss you and think of you but I am sorry that I have to suppress the thought of you most of the time. Whenever I think of you gone....I just can't seem to go on. 

And please make me dream of you. I enjoyed going on a holiday with you in my dream the last time. 

The gift within the gift

This is going to be a happy post...been a long time since I posted something happy :)

Valentine's Day special ... Lol...

 We had a simple celebration of Japanese food, an action movie watched in the comforts of his room (The Escape Plan- it's such an awesome movie. I had to pause the movie a few times to give my heart a  break from the adrenaline rush.) The highlight of it all is the gift within the gift. It was a beautiful photo frame with a photo of us. That is just so sweet and just such a thoughtful gift coming from a guy. It's the sort of gift a girl would give a guy and usually the guy wouldn't be bothered..lol.. I mean come on, I didn't even thought of that. Am I a girl or what?! 

Now the gift within the gift. He wrote me a card (card is our thing..we always give each other card with our gift and again it's something started by him..). And on the card, he wrote me a POEM! If my heart could melt, it would! The poem is so sweet, so lovely, so romantic that I was rendered quite speechless! Now I am not a poetry kinda person. I don't read poems. So I didn't know if he took it from some book or renowned poet. I wouldn't have known. But it was later confirmed that he created the poem himself. *blissful sigh*  I grinned stupidly every time I thought of the poem..just like the first few weeks when we started going out. 

Hmm.. He asked me a question on the card that could either has a very superficial meaning but could also be misconstrued for a deeper meaning. Anyway, for whatever level of meaning the question has to indicate, my answer would still be the same. So i reciprocated and gave him my reply via (I truly regret now) whatsapp! I could have like written him a romantic reply on a note or something but I didn't 'cuz I was in a hurry to give him my reply..don't know why.. Anyway, don't think too much, which is also what he kinda said when I asked him the meaning of his question.. LOL

                                    

                              

                            

                         

In return, what did I give him? A lousy card which I made myself and my so-called love letter, which appears to be naggy and unromantic next to his poem... How?!!! 

Heartache and Happiness

It is difficult for me to go home. I could imagine the sight of my dad lying on the floor watching tv, sitting on the couch surfing on his phone. I almost expect to hear the sound of his car and him coming through the gate. He seemed to be everywhere in the house and yet he is not. And that makes his absence felt so much more, almost palpable. 

It is hard for me to meet and be with my family too. Being together, all four of us now feels incomplete without my dad. Seeing my mum and my brothers reminds me even more of his absence.

I don't know if is it only me that have such a weird reaction. Bereaved family members should usually find consolation in each other, or that is what I imagine should be. 

I am not too keen on spending Christmas at home this year because going for dinner, being at home, going to Christmas Eve mass just wouldn't feel the same and would be just too much for me. 

I have planned to spend Christmas in Melaka with my family. I have asked the bf to come along. I imagine that we would have a good time. And having him along would be a great help. When I see my family and the reminder of my dad s absence threatens to engulf me, the bf's presence would be like a lifeline for me to hold on to. 

But... He just told me he can't make it as he has stuff to do with his mum on that particular day, Christmas Eve. My first selfish and bratty thought was Why?! Of all the days in a year, why they do have to have prayers on Christmas Eve?! And we have decided to change our anniversary to Dec 25. That makes me want to spend Christmas with him even more.

Perhaps I am too greedy. For wanting too much. To have the best of both worlds. My family and Him. 

Having him in my life is a great source of happiness, comfort and joy to me. But I supposed in a relationship, with the happiness that comes along, sometimes you also have to bear with the aches and disappointment. The disappointment when a date couldn't take place, when promises/ expectation cannot be fulfilled, the ache of missing each other when you couldn't get to see each other for many days, the worries you have for each other. 

I can be very vocal and loud and straightforward. But I am neither of those when it comes to expressing my feelings. So far I usually just swallow my disappointment and aches and just try to rise above the occasion. To think and reason. That he doesn't want things to turn out that particular way either. I wonder if this is the right way to act and react. Perhaps the right thing to do would be to express my feelings to him. I don't know. I will just have to wait and see and use my own trial- and- error attempts. 

"He will make straight your paths"

Day 9 of tagging. So exhausted. This is such a mentally stressful posting. Lots of evil people in it who seem to go all out to make life terrible for housemen. Don't understand what the hell is wrong with them. And the new shift system will be implemented next week where we will only have one day off per week, and it's a post-night call off. So depressing.

Came across an encouraging and comforting verse: "Trust in The Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways be mindful of him and he will make straight your paths". (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

Unhappily ever after

I feel like happiness has been sucked out of my entire being and that I am incapable of feeling happy ever again. 

Night time is the worst. I could almost see my dad lying on the floor watching tv or sitting on the chair using the laptop reading his news or sitting on the couch using his phone with earphones on watching YouTube. 

I would give anything, anything and everything just to see him and touch him again for just a minute. 

If this is what I am feeling I cannot imagine what my little brother must be going through. He was so close to my dad. 

I miss you Pa

I kept looking at the gate, hoping and wishing to see my dad walking in through the gate in that quick and energetic pace of his.

Everything I do, everywhere I go, every word I hear reminds me of him.

Every road I drive pass, every building I pass reminds me of my dad.

Every thought that I have is of him.

Almost every minute, I pray silently in my heart and hope fervently that all this would turn out to be a very long bad dream and when I wake up, he would still be around.

No more phone calls from him every time I drive back to JB to make sure I have arrived safely. I am always unsure whether I should turn into Senai on my way back to BP and I would always call him to ask.

I miss you terribly, Pa.

I wish my brain and heart could stop working so that my heart could stop aching that much and I could stop thinking of you that much because it really really hurts.

Anniversary Month and Anniversary Resolutions

November is my new favorite month on top of December. December has always been my favorite month because it is the Christmas month and the holidays month. December is such 'tis a season to be jolly time..it just feels festive for me, preparing and counting down the days to Christmas.

Now November is my new second favorite month now because it is my anniversary month. LOL. Few months ago, I had this conversation with the BF. I asked him when is our anniversary..as in on which date should we consider it our anniversary..Our first date? The date we officially became a couple? The day we first met? Well, there wasn't much discussion. We just agreed on the first. Our first date. And yes,

Today is our first-year anniversary! 

Like wow! It has been one year already?!

When I quizzed him on the date of our first date, hmm..he didn't get it right. I got it right...after I went and searched the movie ticket and checked the date on it (I confessed to him later on)! HAHA.. And he tried to cover for himself for getting the date wrong by saying "Let's make the whole of November our Anniversary Month and we will celebrate every day in November!" Ha...Nice trick! But it is the trick that we eventually agreed on later, that we will make November our Anniversary Month instead of just having A DAY.

And I guess that is why we are both not celebrating today. We are both working today. And I haven't even got him a gift yet! Eheh...

Let's see...Our first date.. We went for Skyfall movie and a Japanese dinner before that. I was the one who made the first move and asked him out first. I made that FIRST move and he made all other subsequent moves from then on. There have been a number of dates prior to us becoming officially a couple but there wasn't much hesitancy or thought-pondering processes where we would wonder whether he likes me or not and vice versa. There wasn't much courting, as in...Say a guy likes this girl who initially doesn't have feelings for him and so he has to go all out to make her fall in love with him or vice versa. There wasn't that because we both already mutually like each other from the start. Of course, it is not like there wasn't any at all because although we like each other, we weren't like head over heels in love. So I guess, there is still that effort that every couple puts in to make each fall IN LOVE with the other. We are a very undramatic couple, which is very well suited to me. I don't like drama...those complicated things associated with relationship..arrghh..such a drag.

Anniversary resolution:-
1. We have to take more photos together as a couple!
We don't camwhore enough. Sometimes when I miss him, I would browse through my photos of him and I'd flabbergasted..Like WHAT! That is all the photos I have of him?!

2. We have to explore more places together.
We often joke that we are the most unproductive couple. If given the choice, we would just eat in everytime and then cuddle together while watching a movie.

3. Continue to be passionately in love with each other (I know damn mushy..haha)

Now I reallyyy need to go get him the anniversary gift!