OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU, MY DEAR BLOG!
So much has happened in these 2 weeks. I underwent and am still undergoing one of the major transitions in life- from student to working adult.
The whole world must know by now that I got Paeds as my first posting. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted to enter Paeds later on, when I am more competent and experienced because I wanted to do really well in that department and maximize my learning there. Oh well, God has a better plan. And I am starting to see the upside of it.
Most of my colleagues are nice and kind enough to show me what I don't know. I am incredibly grateful to 2 of my new colleagues, Soo and Lim, who have taught me the most. Being new, I have no idea what I am supposed to know and what I don't know. Both of them have been telling and teaching me the essentials of what a HO must know. So, so far I am surviving thanks to the knowledge they have imparted to me.
Found a fabulous house to stay. It's exactly what I hope for with a reasonable price. Again, it might be a blessing in disguise that I didn't get a place in the hospital quarters.
Loving the kids in Paeds. Witnessed Salaam fits after many rantings from Dr Selim in the past. And being a doctor now, I don't feel like as if I am a space-occupying lesion in the ward. Now, I have every right to walk where I want in the ward, flip the case note, write in the case note and examine the patients. And my favourite of all...procedures.. I am still grabbing every opportunity I can to practise and master blood-taking in Paeds.
But it's not all a bed of roses. I feel like I am walking into a landmine everyday when I go to work. Any moment, I could have done the wrong thing or miss an important sign or symptom in a patient, calculated the wrong medication dosages, stepped on the foot of any colleague or MO or specialist and be extended.. And in JB, thanks to everyone's reminder, I am at high risk of being a robbery or snatch theft victim or worse. So every morning when I stepped out of my room, the stress level starts to mount.
I really have to learn to take things easy. I am putting so much stress on myself unnecessarily. And I really have to learn to trust God more then perhaps, I would have more peace. Everyday, after work, when I got into my car, the first thing I do is to thank God that a day has passed where I didn't screw things up, that I was an okay doctor today, that I didn't cost a life.
Night call today..and 2 days off the following days. Time to unwind and relax after tonight!!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Know myself
The priest asked me today..."If I were to ask you to name 3 good qualities about yourself, what would they be?" It took me lots of "Err... Ah.... Eee" before I could muster up my first quality. And it turned out that it wasn't a quality, that what I have said did not count as a good quality. In a nutshell, I was unable to name, on the spot, even one good quality about myself. If it were to be a job interview, I would have failed MISERABLY.
The take-home message from Father to me was "Know myself. Don't let me be a stumbling block to myself.. Be thankful for what I AM."
It seems I have plenty of self- reflection and soul- searching to do.
In the end, Father had to name one good quality OF ME. LOL..And he said "Intelligence". From his point of view, that is one good quality of me. He was surprised I didn't say that. When he mentioned that, I was surprised at myself for not thinking about that. I think that I have taken lots of things for granted. I have taken my own intelligence for granted, all my good qualities for granted when I should be thankful for them. So I thought long and hard (well, not that long and hard actually) and came up with these. The pathetic thing is that I couldn't think of anything else to add in.. :( Are these my only good qualities?
The take-home message from Father to me was "Know myself. Don't let me be a stumbling block to myself.. Be thankful for what I AM."
It seems I have plenty of self- reflection and soul- searching to do.
In the end, Father had to name one good quality OF ME. LOL..And he said "Intelligence". From his point of view, that is one good quality of me. He was surprised I didn't say that. When he mentioned that, I was surprised at myself for not thinking about that. I think that I have taken lots of things for granted. I have taken my own intelligence for granted, all my good qualities for granted when I should be thankful for them. So I thought long and hard (well, not that long and hard actually) and came up with these. The pathetic thing is that I couldn't think of anything else to add in.. :( Are these my only good qualities?
MY GOOD QUALITIES:-
INTELLIGENCE
DILIGENCE
DOWN-TO-EARTH
RECEPTIVE AND OPEN-MINDED
EAGERNESS AND WILLINGNESS TO LEARN
RATIONAL
TIDY AND SYSTEMATIC
LEADERSHIP SKILLS
ABILITY TO BE A TEAM PLAYER
LOYALTY
I was also advised to dwell on the positive emotions. One good and bad thing about me is that I am too aware of my negative feelings that I tend to dwell on them. For example, when I am jealous or envious or disrespectful, I am aware of those feelings when I am feeling it. I am aware that what I am feeling is a negative feeling. So, in the end, I end up dwelling on that, beating myself about the fact that I am such a terrible person for being jealous, envious, disrespectful etc etc. In a way, my OVER-AWARENESS of my own emotions, which is supposed to be a good thing, turns out making things worse.
That is why I have to KNOW MYSELF. Know that I am not a terrible person. That I am a person with all the good qualities above and dwell on them instead. Focus on the positive emotions. And I still have time to do that because as a person gets older, it becomes harder to change. If you are always an angry person and continues to focus on that, you will of course, continue to be this angry person and even your face changes and takes on an angry expression. So that negative emotion will consume you. And then people don't like you, you sink into depression etc etc...
Father mentioned stuff like cortisol, hippocampus, memory loss, emotions....I was impressed by him, by what a priest actually knows. Within that few minutes, he has touched on anatomy, physiology and some aspects of psychology and psychiatry, not to mention spirituality. WOW! No wonder priests have to study for 7 years.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Am I expecting too much?
The tap water is running and overflowing in the bathroom and somehow, he can't seem to hear it.
The stench from his pet permeates the living room and somehow, he can't seem to smell it.
The mother is groaning in pain due to backache from overwork and he can't seem to lift a finger to help out around the house.
The parents are worried sick of his future and yet he can't seem to push himself to study harder.
He has so much potential, so many talents, so much determination, so much discipline but yet they are not properly utilized.
He has a soft heart, a kind heart, loyalty, sensibility but are these enough for him to survive in the harsh and cruel world?
I love him so much. That is probably why I am so exasperated that he is not trying his best to live up to his potential. I thought maybe I expect too much from him. But how can you expect too much from someone who has not even put in 20% of their effort?
I don't look down on the garbage-collector, the trishaw-puller or the kueh tiaw-seller. I respect these people for their diligence, their down-to-earth self. These people earn an honest wage.
I don't expect him to be like me. I just want to see some form of effort, some hard work. I want him to have a goal in life towards which he can pursue and work hard to achieve. Most of all, I don't want to see history repeating itself and the victim being him. THAT is why I am so worried about him.
The stench from his pet permeates the living room and somehow, he can't seem to smell it.
The mother is groaning in pain due to backache from overwork and he can't seem to lift a finger to help out around the house.
The parents are worried sick of his future and yet he can't seem to push himself to study harder.
He has so much potential, so many talents, so much determination, so much discipline but yet they are not properly utilized.
He has a soft heart, a kind heart, loyalty, sensibility but are these enough for him to survive in the harsh and cruel world?
I love him so much. That is probably why I am so exasperated that he is not trying his best to live up to his potential. I thought maybe I expect too much from him. But how can you expect too much from someone who has not even put in 20% of their effort?
I don't look down on the garbage-collector, the trishaw-puller or the kueh tiaw-seller. I respect these people for their diligence, their down-to-earth self. These people earn an honest wage.
I don't expect him to be like me. I just want to see some form of effort, some hard work. I want him to have a goal in life towards which he can pursue and work hard to achieve. Most of all, I don't want to see history repeating itself and the victim being him. THAT is why I am so worried about him.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The most unappreciated job
The most under-appreciated occupation is, I think, a homemaker, whether a housewife or househusband. I will use the term 'housewife' because it is more common than a househusband. The day of a housewife begins at the crack of dawn. She wakes earlier than her family because she needs to wake her children up for school, prepare their breakfast and send them to school. Then comes the second round of waking up the husband for work and preparing breakfast. After the husband and children have left, the chores begin- sweeping, mopping, dusting, laundry- laundry is only ONE word, but laundry itself involves washing, hanging it up, collecting it back when it's dry, sorting, folding, ironing and putting them back into different cupboards in different rooms. So, 'laundry' contains ONE word but it involves at least 7 acts!
And then comes the meals- breakfast, lunch, dinner and sometimes, tea-time and supper. For those who have never stepped foot into the kitchen, it may perhaps be a very lucky thing for you. Why? To prepare a meal, the housewife has to start by THINKING of the dishes- what her family wants and likes to eat, what each of them dislikes or is allergic to, what is nutritious and good for them and cost-effectiveness. Depending on each family's practice/ habit, a housewife has to think of not ONE dish, but at least 2-3 dishes for not ONE meal but for at least 2 meals (lunch and dinner). Then, comes marketing- she has to drive to the market, supermarket or shops to get the various ingredients. For the not so fortunate housewives, whose husband never earns enough, then they have to wisely plan the budget for each meal as well. Again, for those who has never laid their hand on a spatula, contrary to what they think, to cook say, a curry chicken doesn't just require ONE ingredient, that is chicken. Besides chicken, you need potatoes, garlic, curry powder, coconut, the seasonings etc etc. So one dish is not equivalent to one ingredient! I will not elaborate the details and steps of preparing a curry chicken. My point is to cook ONE dish involves MANY processes. Don't forget the dirty dishes to be washed after each meal! So imagine a housewife who cooks EVERYDAY to have the children come home and say "Yuck, I don't like this vege!" and another child saying "I am on diet, I'm not eating that lemon chicken" and the husband coming home saying he has eaten outside.
Yes, a housewife may be given money by the husband every month but the money is meant for household expenses. In other words, a housewife DOES NOT have a pay. Few would have enough money left to spend and indulge on themselves. I am talking about the average housewife, not the rich tai tai, of course.
Here comes the children. The housewife is expected to take care of the children, which includes their studies. Helping them with homework and projects, fetching them to and fro school and tuition and even to other places when they want to hang out with friends. When the children becomes naughty, it's the mother's fault for not taking the children in hand.
A housewife is also expected to perform their wifely duty and serve their husband well. Amid the hours of slogging on household chores and the financial limitation (as elaborated above), a housewife is expected to still look beautiful for the husband and to welcome home the working husband with a warm smile and a warm meal on the table. After all, to the husband, how tired could the wife be?! She is at home the whole day, while he is out the whole day.
Apart from being a housewife, some women also have to juggle a career and work in order to make ends meet. Imagine having to do everything I have described above AND having to WORK outside at the same time. If anyone thinks this is an easy feat, then you are a very prosaic person because you cannot IMAGINE how difficult it is.
Why do I say unappreciated? How many children and husband express their gratitude and appreciation to their wife or mother for each meal prepared, each time the floor is swept and mopped, each piece of clothing ironed and hung out nicely for them, each time the mother dropped the children off at school? Most often, the children would look up to the father for working so hard and bringing money home for the family. And the children would also be reminded many times by the mother to study hard because "Your dad works so hard for you." But most husband and children forget that the housewife works just as hard too. How often does the husband remind the children on how hard the mother is working at home, ensuring a cosy home for them all?
I am not sure if I could ever be noble and self-sacrificial enough to be a homemaker. Well, maybe yes. The last I heard, motherhood is quite a life-changing experience. So the cliche says "A mother will do anything for her child" but when the time comes, I sure would negotiate for a better deal- AT LEAST, there should be a maid or two, a pay with annual bonus, annual review of the pay and EPF.
And then comes the meals- breakfast, lunch, dinner and sometimes, tea-time and supper. For those who have never stepped foot into the kitchen, it may perhaps be a very lucky thing for you. Why? To prepare a meal, the housewife has to start by THINKING of the dishes- what her family wants and likes to eat, what each of them dislikes or is allergic to, what is nutritious and good for them and cost-effectiveness. Depending on each family's practice/ habit, a housewife has to think of not ONE dish, but at least 2-3 dishes for not ONE meal but for at least 2 meals (lunch and dinner). Then, comes marketing- she has to drive to the market, supermarket or shops to get the various ingredients. For the not so fortunate housewives, whose husband never earns enough, then they have to wisely plan the budget for each meal as well. Again, for those who has never laid their hand on a spatula, contrary to what they think, to cook say, a curry chicken doesn't just require ONE ingredient, that is chicken. Besides chicken, you need potatoes, garlic, curry powder, coconut, the seasonings etc etc. So one dish is not equivalent to one ingredient! I will not elaborate the details and steps of preparing a curry chicken. My point is to cook ONE dish involves MANY processes. Don't forget the dirty dishes to be washed after each meal! So imagine a housewife who cooks EVERYDAY to have the children come home and say "Yuck, I don't like this vege!" and another child saying "I am on diet, I'm not eating that lemon chicken" and the husband coming home saying he has eaten outside.
Yes, a housewife may be given money by the husband every month but the money is meant for household expenses. In other words, a housewife DOES NOT have a pay. Few would have enough money left to spend and indulge on themselves. I am talking about the average housewife, not the rich tai tai, of course.
Here comes the children. The housewife is expected to take care of the children, which includes their studies. Helping them with homework and projects, fetching them to and fro school and tuition and even to other places when they want to hang out with friends. When the children becomes naughty, it's the mother's fault for not taking the children in hand.
A housewife is also expected to perform their wifely duty and serve their husband well. Amid the hours of slogging on household chores and the financial limitation (as elaborated above), a housewife is expected to still look beautiful for the husband and to welcome home the working husband with a warm smile and a warm meal on the table. After all, to the husband, how tired could the wife be?! She is at home the whole day, while he is out the whole day.
Apart from being a housewife, some women also have to juggle a career and work in order to make ends meet. Imagine having to do everything I have described above AND having to WORK outside at the same time. If anyone thinks this is an easy feat, then you are a very prosaic person because you cannot IMAGINE how difficult it is.
Why do I say unappreciated? How many children and husband express their gratitude and appreciation to their wife or mother for each meal prepared, each time the floor is swept and mopped, each piece of clothing ironed and hung out nicely for them, each time the mother dropped the children off at school? Most often, the children would look up to the father for working so hard and bringing money home for the family. And the children would also be reminded many times by the mother to study hard because "Your dad works so hard for you." But most husband and children forget that the housewife works just as hard too. How often does the husband remind the children on how hard the mother is working at home, ensuring a cosy home for them all?
I am not sure if I could ever be noble and self-sacrificial enough to be a homemaker. Well, maybe yes. The last I heard, motherhood is quite a life-changing experience. So the cliche says "A mother will do anything for her child" but when the time comes, I sure would negotiate for a better deal- AT LEAST, there should be a maid or two, a pay with annual bonus, annual review of the pay and EPF.
Monday, May 7, 2012
One helluva woman
I found a 2-day part-time job for the weekend. I worked as a promoter for Nestle Omega milk. They were running a roadshow with promotional offer of free cholesterol check with a purchase of a pack of milk powder. I was provided with a T-shirt for the 2-day job. Being a bit of a cleanliness freak, just a little, I washed the T-shirt after the end of my work on Day 1.
I was washing it by hand when my grandmother, who came over to stay for a couple of days, asked why was I washing clothes at such a late hour. I told her the reason, that I have to wear it again the next day. The next morning came and it was raining cats and dogs. When I came back from church, I found my work T-shirt all dry and hung up ready to be worn. My grandmother, knowing that it wouldn't dry in time in such a weather, had ironed my shirt till it became dry. I was touched beyond words. She remembered what I said, when I only said it briefly. I myself didn't even remember or think of the fact that my shirt would not dry in the cool, rainy weather. I hadn't even thought of wanting to check if it was dry. But, my grandmother, this amazing woman, thought it all.
I have never yet met a woman like my grandmother. She is kind, generous (in time, money and effort), thoughtful and considerate, hardworking, open-minded for a woman in her 80's. Did I mention that she single-handedly raise 7 children on her own after her husband passed away when she was only in her late 20's? She never remarry. She, a widow, continued the tofu-making business left to her by her late husband and her children had always had enough to eat, wear and use. All her children always had at least 3 pieces of new clothes for Chinese New Year when they were young. When her daughters wanted to pursue a career in hairdressing and beauty all the way to UK, she supported them fully and not just 1 daughter, but 3 daughters. A few went on to get a degree. I have never heard her utter a word of complain or regret. I have never heard her grumble.
Over the years, she lost both her sons. The pain of a mother watching her child go before her is something which, unless you experience it for yourself, is completely unfathomable. In my popo's case, it was not 1, but the 3 most important men in her life- first, her husband, then her oldest son and subsequently, her youngest son. Apart from the permanent and painful scar it left on her, she is still this amazing, amazing, awesome lady that she is. She is so soft- spoken, so mild-tempered, so gentle and at the same time, she is an iron lady- the strongest and most resilient woman I have ever met.
She is one helluva woman!!!
I was washing it by hand when my grandmother, who came over to stay for a couple of days, asked why was I washing clothes at such a late hour. I told her the reason, that I have to wear it again the next day. The next morning came and it was raining cats and dogs. When I came back from church, I found my work T-shirt all dry and hung up ready to be worn. My grandmother, knowing that it wouldn't dry in time in such a weather, had ironed my shirt till it became dry. I was touched beyond words. She remembered what I said, when I only said it briefly. I myself didn't even remember or think of the fact that my shirt would not dry in the cool, rainy weather. I hadn't even thought of wanting to check if it was dry. But, my grandmother, this amazing woman, thought it all.
I have never yet met a woman like my grandmother. She is kind, generous (in time, money and effort), thoughtful and considerate, hardworking, open-minded for a woman in her 80's. Did I mention that she single-handedly raise 7 children on her own after her husband passed away when she was only in her late 20's? She never remarry. She, a widow, continued the tofu-making business left to her by her late husband and her children had always had enough to eat, wear and use. All her children always had at least 3 pieces of new clothes for Chinese New Year when they were young. When her daughters wanted to pursue a career in hairdressing and beauty all the way to UK, she supported them fully and not just 1 daughter, but 3 daughters. A few went on to get a degree. I have never heard her utter a word of complain or regret. I have never heard her grumble.
Over the years, she lost both her sons. The pain of a mother watching her child go before her is something which, unless you experience it for yourself, is completely unfathomable. In my popo's case, it was not 1, but the 3 most important men in her life- first, her husband, then her oldest son and subsequently, her youngest son. Apart from the permanent and painful scar it left on her, she is still this amazing, amazing, awesome lady that she is. She is so soft- spoken, so mild-tempered, so gentle and at the same time, she is an iron lady- the strongest and most resilient woman I have ever met.
She is one helluva woman!!!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Dr. Eunice
It feels too surreal...but that's not important because IT'S REAL! I'm a doctor now!!! Dr. Eunice Ng Chin Nien. Hm...Dr Eunice...sounds better than Dr Ng....ok la..shall introduce myself as Dr Eunice. HAHAHA....Shiok sendiri...
I have no idea how I went through the last 4 weeks, the most intense of which is the last week and the week of the exams. IT WAS HELL ON EARTH. But luckily, God was around to save me. I was holding myself together, because at any moment, I would have broken down. But I didn't. I don't know where else that strength could have come from if not from God. I have no idea how a friend of mine, who is an atheist, got through such a trying period. In times when we, believers, trust God and say "Please bless me Lord...", he was saying "Huat ah..!" Oh well, I guess that was his way of blessing himself...his lucky words for himself. Sorry, can't help this snide remark. Just that his constant chant of "Huat ah" was annoying the hell out of me.
Official results was announced today at 3.45pm at the lobby of our faculty under a constant drizzle, which became a heavy rain. All 69 of us had to stand in front, facing the lecturers, who were sitting. The Dean announced one by one, the names of the people who had passed, meaning, you would want your name to be called!!! Can you imagine those minutes of waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for your name to be called, especially the 69th student? Boy, that might have been the suspense of the year. Almost every girl cried tears of joy, except me. *defensively* What?!! I just don't tear easily. Even some of the lecturers were having watery red eyes and nose...guy lecturers, might I add.
The announcement ended at 5pm and we had an appreciation dinner at 7pm. It was a hustle and bustle for the girls from then on, including me. Rushing to the saloon or make-up amid the peak hour of a traffic jam...crazy crazy... BUT IT WAS SUPER WORTH IT! Dinner was fun and amazing and just great great great.
NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FELT ON THE LAST WEEK AND THE WEEK OF MY PROFESSIONAL EXAMS II and NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
Two totally different feelings, each at opposite end of the spectrum.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU GOD! x 1000000.
I have no idea how I went through the last 4 weeks, the most intense of which is the last week and the week of the exams. IT WAS HELL ON EARTH. But luckily, God was around to save me. I was holding myself together, because at any moment, I would have broken down. But I didn't. I don't know where else that strength could have come from if not from God. I have no idea how a friend of mine, who is an atheist, got through such a trying period. In times when we, believers, trust God and say "Please bless me Lord...", he was saying "Huat ah..!" Oh well, I guess that was his way of blessing himself...his lucky words for himself. Sorry, can't help this snide remark. Just that his constant chant of "Huat ah" was annoying the hell out of me.
Official results was announced today at 3.45pm at the lobby of our faculty under a constant drizzle, which became a heavy rain. All 69 of us had to stand in front, facing the lecturers, who were sitting. The Dean announced one by one, the names of the people who had passed, meaning, you would want your name to be called!!! Can you imagine those minutes of waiting...and waiting...and waiting...for your name to be called, especially the 69th student? Boy, that might have been the suspense of the year. Almost every girl cried tears of joy, except me. *defensively* What?!! I just don't tear easily. Even some of the lecturers were having watery red eyes and nose...guy lecturers, might I add.
The announcement ended at 5pm and we had an appreciation dinner at 7pm. It was a hustle and bustle for the girls from then on, including me. Rushing to the saloon or make-up amid the peak hour of a traffic jam...crazy crazy... BUT IT WAS SUPER WORTH IT! Dinner was fun and amazing and just great great great.
NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FELT ON THE LAST WEEK AND THE WEEK OF MY PROFESSIONAL EXAMS II and NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.
Two totally different feelings, each at opposite end of the spectrum.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU GOD! x 1000000.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Faith is all I have
Lord, grant me the strength to go through these 3 weeks. I know I haven't been the most obedient daughter to You. But one thing I always have is Faith in you. I trust you more than I trust myself. Without Your grace, without You, I am nothing. Grant me strength, grant me peace, grant me wisdom, empower me with Your love and Holy Spirit. I am telling myself I can do this because I have You, I am Your daughter. And that is the only thing that is guiding and pushing me through this challenging time.
I am like a tightly-wound guitar string that is being wound up tighter and tighter as the day goes by, threatening to snap anytime.
I am like a tightly-wound guitar string that is being wound up tighter and tighter as the day goes by, threatening to snap anytime.
KEEP IT TOGETHER! TRUST IN GOD!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)