The Win-Lose Situation

Sometimes you force yourselves to do the things that you don't want or don't like to do because you know it's good for you. A simple example would be forcing yourself to eat vegetables even though you don't like it because well, vege is supposed to be good for you. Or forcing yourself to get your lazy butt off the couch to go for a jog because you know exercise is good for you. Decisions like these are somewhat easy to make. Actions like that...the act of eating vege and jogging are simple tasks, which do not require your uttermost sincerity or enthusiasm.

What if an action, the consequence of which you know is going to be a good one, involves your utmost sincerity in doing it? Would you simply just do it halfheartedly merely for the sake of reaping that good/ beneficial outcome that comes with your action? For example, your wife wants you to say "I love you" to her and knowing full well that by simply complying and saying "I love you" would make your wife very happy and loved, would you say it, EVEN THOUGH at that moment in time, you do not yet love her or that you just had a bad fight and do not feel like saying "I love you" or you actually do not love her at all or that you have fallen out of love with her? My point is... would you say it (the action) for the sake of making your wife happy (the good outcome) even though you don't mean it at all? Now we know that you have to mean every single syllable of that "I love you" when you say it.

Situation like this is a win-lose/ lose-win situation. You win when you say it because...yay....your wife is happy, your marriage is saved and peace is restored.  You also lose because you force yourself to say something which you don't mean it at all, hence betraying and deceiving yourself.

Another scenario. Say... the Season of Lent is here, it's time to do good and forgive those who have sinned against you. Forgiveness is another act which requires your utmost sincerity. You know you should forgive the people who have done wrong against you (or so you thought). You know forgiveness means letting go of the grudge, the hatred, the bitterness and allowing peace to reign within you again. You even feel guilty if you don't forgive because well, begrudging and hating someone is in itself a sin. And so you let the guilt and your rational mind rule over you and you decide to forgive. BUT, you can't find it in your heart to forgive fully. What happens now? You want to but you can't. Your mind asks you to but your heart does not allow you to. What do you do? You can't force yourself to forgive or love someone like you force yourself to eat that vegetable, EVEN THOUGH you know loving and forgiving is good for you and the other party. Again you win and you lose.

If you forgive: Yay...You win because you've forgiven someone and the forgiven person is happy again BUT you also lose at the same time because you are just kidding and deceiving yourself into believing that you have forgiven when in fact, you haven't.

If you don't forgive: Dang...you lose because unforgiveness is bad for you, yo! It eats you from inside out. BUT you also win, because you remain true to yourself...you didn't let guilt and your too-rational mind trick you into forgiving.

Of course, everything will be simple if your heart and mind are in agreement. But when they are not, this is when you have the WIN-LOSE situation.

Whoever says that life is simple has not yet lived life. Life could only be simple if your mind thinks the same way as your heart feels AND  also if everyone thinks like you and acts like you. No issue then. But life's not like that.

Quelling the inferno

We have completed all our main postings (we still have SHOP= Shadow House Officer Posting). Gosh! Fifth year seems to pass by the fastest of all. A facebook friend put on his status "People say time flies, but I say time JETS away." That is most certainly true.

Watched a few movies this week- "Underworld", "The Grey" and "Chronicle". The Grey puts me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Wolves are so smart, gosh, they seem smarter than humans even. Chronicle also puts me on the edge of my seat because it's so bad that a few times, I shoved my butt off the seat and almost left. So disappointing.

Done with my surgical posting exams and yet I am not feeling any more relief or happier because there's PUPUK presentation and MOCK exams after this week and also that I know I am not going to get an A for surgery. And I really want that A. Sigh... Unless, a miracle happens but my performance was just too disappointing that..that...I am not even sure if I want God to convert my substandard performance into an A. Frankly, I know I don't deserve it. But...but..I still want it. Guiltily greedy.

On a different note, someone upset me again. I know something is wrong when you asked me for that number. My first instinct was to lie but then I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. A leopard never changes its spots. Damn it! I never learn! Now I do. Arrghh...I still don't feel better after penning this down....Upset is an understatement. I AM SO ANGRY I FEEL LIKE SMASHING A WATERMELON ONTO THE WALL WHILE PRETENDING IT'S YOUR FUCKING HEAD.

To calm myself down, I shall think of other things. Many of my classmates are busy buying postgraduate books...POSTGRADUATE BOOKS. Gosh... Well, we have the RM200 book vouchers and everyone is using that. I am so puzzled as to why they are so kan chiong... I am puzzled because I cannot fathom that feeling of certainty. They are so sure of what they want and what they are going to specialize in. I am also envious in a way. I am still in a state of limbo. I thought I like surgery but..but... see, there's a BUT. I seem to like Paeds more, but I am not sure if I am ready to give up surgery. After all, it has been my secret love for so long (not so secret actually). My future, in my mind, is so full of question marks. But for others, they seem to have a clear image of their future in their mind already.