C.R.A.N.K.Y

My threshold is 1 week- The threshold for the duration which I can stand not seeing TGIL. I realised that since the beginning, we have always gone out at least once a week and because of this, I can only stand not seeing him up till 7 days. Every time we meet up, it's like I am recharged. Today, it's almost nearing the deadline of 7 days and I find myself missing him terribly, although we talk EVERYDAY! And we work in the same hospital. OMG, I hope I am not some kind of weirdo/ clingy girl because that's the last thing I want to be.

Worked night shift last night. The exhaustion and insufficient sleep and missing him is making me very very cranky and a bad company, considering my brother is in town. So unfair to my brother.

To release some bit of crankiness within, I don't care how overly mushy I am. I miss seeing him, miss being next to him, miss our actual face-to-face conversation (although I prefer to just listen to him talk and tell me all his hilarious work experiences) and miss his touch. And the last time I went back home for Christmas, I missed him terribly too, psychologically knowing that we were 1 1/2 hours apart and not in the same town. OMG, I AM DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. THIS IS MAKING ME EVEN MORE CRANKY. URGHhhh...but still missing him nonetheless. *forlorn look*


TGIL= The Guy I Like

A compassionate patient

I have this patient who was so worried for my colleagues' and my young adulthood. She asked me "Doctor, you all semua nampak macam teenagers. You all ada tak masa untuk pergi tengok wayang and shopping. Mak cik risau la..."

Another time, I wanted to take her blood in the evening.

Me: Mak cik, nak ambil darah eh..

Patient: Boleh doktor, boleh. Asalkan doktor boleh duduk. Mak cik tengok kamu ni always on your toes,  

            tak pernah duduk. 

(Me taking her blood while standing.)

Patient: Doktor, duduk lah cepat...At least you dapat duduk sekejap.

As she was a chronic patient, she was in the ward for quite some time and witnessed us slogging like a bull.

Another time, she commented "Doktor, saya rasa kalau mak kamu tengok kamu macam ini, mesti dia sedih dan susah hati."

She frequently asked me whether have I eaten. Initially I find her talkative and demanding. But towards the end, her compassion touched me. And her abrupt comments daily made me smile in the midst of my stress.

I don't think I'll have wrinkles later in life because I am sure that my face is so contorted and tense from all the stress that I am feeling almost every day that my skin will have no chance to sag. LOL. I used to think that my face is unreadable and that I can hide my feelings quite well. But lately I noticed that I have been quite readable. There were several times that the people around me noticed and commented that I look so stressed or tired etc etc and at those times, they were spot on correct.

These few days have been crazy. There seem to be a huge surge in the number of females getting sick. My ward is so bloody full, like crazy full. Ladies, please take care of yourselves! We don't want to out-win the guys in this aspect.

I really saved a life this time

The new year's eve of 2013-  31.12.12 - will always be a memorable day for me.

I was working night shift on that day. And I saved a life. Literally. I mean I am a doctor. Technically my job is to save lives, or so they tell me. But the way I see, it's more like preventing people from dying everyday. Patients with acute coronary syndrome, we start them on S/C Fondaparinux etc etc...it treats and prevents them from another attack, and thus preventing their death and complications. 

But on 31.12.12....Oh wait, it happened at 5ish am, so it was already 1.1.2013. Hmm... Well, a memorable New Year's Day then. My colleague and I were clerking a new case that came in at about 0430. The staff nurse was measuring the blood pressure of the patient right next to us and found the patient unresponsive. I attended immediately and found absent pulse. Started CPR stat. Well, of all the resuscitations that I have done in medical so far, 7 out of 10 were patients with DIL NAR (technically no CPR is done if it's NAR) And well, all of the patients that I have resuscitated so far in my 5 weeks of medical posting ended up LO, so much so that when I was resuscitating this patient, I was prepared for her demise. It's terrible I know, but an asystole patient or a patient that is almost gone really, really looks very dead...I sound very crude but it's true. They looked so dead that at the back of mind in the midst resuscitation, I was so certain that they would just pass on. 

And so my colleague and I were taking turns doing CPR while waiting for the MO. MO came, proceeded to the next step of resuscitation using drugs....and so on. Meanwhile the cardiac monitor was showing a flat line, SpO2 27%. And then after 15-20 minutes, PULSE. THERE WAS A PULSE. THE CARDIAC MONITOR WAS ALIVE AGAIN SHOWING REGULAR HEART BEAT, and I could still remember, the heart beat I saw was 126bpm. We stopped the CPR and the pulse remained and stayed strong. I didn't feel the impact of what I had done until after everything, my MO said to me,

"Thanks a lot for just now. Your CPR saved the patient's life." 

And these words kept repeating itself in my mind the whole day. I literally, really brought a patient back from the dead, brought a patient back to life! My CPR works! My resuscitation works! My judgement and decision while waiting for the MO were correct and accurate! I was in awe! Wow, CPR actually works?!!!

I was so inspired, so motivated, so touched.

My hope is renewed. My faith in CPR is renewed. I will not merely do resuscitation for the sake of resuscitating. From now on, I will be resuscitating my patients with a renewed vigour, with a fighting spirit. I will fight for my patients because who else can they trust to fight for them, if not me?!

Thank you God for this great lesson. Thank you Dr H for your encouragement. To that patient, and all my patients, Thank you because I have learned and am still learning so much from you, through you.


*DIL= Death in line
*NAR= Not for active resuscitation