Reasons or Excuses?

What is the difference between a reason and an excuse? A reason is reasonable, relevant and is hence, acceptable. An excuse on the other hand, is something unreasonable and unacceptable. Why unacceptable? Most of the time, excuses can be prevented if more effort, sincerity and commitment have been made. 

I remember when I was in the choir. Whenever something unexpected cropped up, I always had to think hard for the proper thing to say, so that whatever I said could be accepted as a reason. If I didn't have a reason, or rather, if I could merely come up with an EXCUSE, I would just admit that it was my mistake and accepted the scolding. I wouldn't even dared to attempt to pass my excuse as my reason. That was how I was taught by Robert. Those years of character remodelling under him have taught me, among other things, to be reliable and responsible, so that there will never come a time when I need to find myself a reason to account for my inadequacy. 

And this is why I find it absolutely preposterous when people can come up with REASONS like "I'm late because there is a traffic jam", "I can't pass up my assignment on time because our lecture finished late yesterday and I didn't have time to do it", "I have to skip class tomorrow because I have to send my car for service", "I didn't do a good job on my presentation because I couldn't get connected to the internet" etc etc. 

I'm not insulting the people around me or YOU, should you have used those same excuses. I do, rarely, find myself mumbling those same excuses when I am caught in a desperate situation. It's just we have to bear in mind that there is never a reason good enough to account for our own mistake, incompetency and irresponsibility, although that doesn't mean we cannot be forgiven for those. But it does bother me when people voice out some pretty dumb excuses in such a matter-of-fact tone, as though, they are perfectly, sound reasons. That's what boggles my mind! They don't see the invalidity of their childish reasons.   

A Christmas Prayer

"THE ROAD NOT TAKEN"

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same, 

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back. 

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference. 

Because you took the road less taken, it is never going to be easy, not now, not in the near future but hopefully, soon. I think your decision to acknowledge who you are and to live it down and well is commendable and is something you should always remember when you are feeling desolated and disappointed by the world's harsh reality and its cruel inhabitants.

Stepping out of the comfort zone is never easy and I can understand the reason why you want to stay hidden. But the longer you hide and the more people you hide it from, the tougher it is going to be for you to come out. On one hand, you cannot accuse people for not accepting you when you have never laid out the truth to be begin with. You also cannot accuse us for stigmatization when you have not raised any awareness in the first place. And remaining in the closet is not going to make any difference. Just as I like to tell people to do their part in saving the environment, I'm telling you to do your part to stand up for your community. Educate us to stem out our ignorance.

The ultimate goal in our very transient and unpredictable life is to be happy. I pray that you will be happy, truly happy and at peace with the people you love around you. I pray that you will have wisdom and courage to live your life the way you think is best for you. I pray that you will be magnanimous and forgiving towards those who do not understand you. I pray that you will be blessed with tolerance to deal with the unfairness and sufferings that sometimes go your way.I pray for the beautiful love and relationship between you and your mother. I pray that the road you chose, would be the right one and that one day, you could tell your story with a happy and contented sigh.

UNICEF - Raise Your Hands, Stop Child Abuse

UNICEF - Raise Your Hands, Stop Child Abuse

Think negative

A friend was playing a fool on the road today. She was doing a little jig as we were all glad that class ended at 12pm. Another friend was driving up the street and this friend then playfully went in front of the approaching car. Sensing the harmless playful mischief, the driving friend also decided to go along and playfully swerved her car towards the friend.

Throughout the whole scene, I couldn't hold back my horror and my heart literally did a little flip as the image of the probable and highly possible consequence of all this flashed through my mind. Alarmed, I immediately expressed my concern and told my friend that what she did was a really bad idea. "What if she accidentally knocked into you?" To which she replied "You're so negative" in a somewhat jokingly manner.
(I actually wanted to add "Accidents happen not because someone intentionally and consciously knocked into someone- if it's intentional, they would call it homicide. Accidents happen because someone ACCIDENTALLY and unintentionally knocked into someone. Hence, the word 'ACCIDENTS'. )

I was reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch when I came across this chapter about how we all have to be prepared.  "Another way to be prepared is to think negatively". This sentence reminded me of the earlier incident. Being negative is not necessarily a bad thing. It also brought back an earlier advice by an uncle to my brother and I. I still remembered the conversation.
Uncle: Everybody likes to say Think positively. But for me, I like to think negatively. Because only then can I turn the negative into a positive thing.

This is what Randy wrote "Yes, I'm a great optimist. But when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst-case scenario. I call it "The Eaten by Wolves Factor". If I do something, what's the most terrible thing that could happen? Would I be eaten by wolves? One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don't worry about because I have a plan in place if they do."

I learned today, that people shouldn't be accused of Thinking negatively, something, which tends to bring about a negative connotation BECAUSE Thinking negatively is in fact, a preparation to enable positive things to happen.

Tough and Gentle

Despite the big-built and tough-looking appearance of most orthopaedic surgeons, I find that they are the gentlest type of doctors. Considering the problems that they have to deal with are usually bigger (think fractured femur), requires greater force (think reduction of fracture) and gruesome-r tools (think drills and saws), they are the gentlest when they talk and examine patients. I quite often see how rough doctors in the other specialties (which deal with body parts in need of a gentler manipulation) can be.


http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/732237?src=mp&spon=25&uac=141887BK

I really like this article. I have always liked Medscape's articles for Medical Students. Although I'm not yet a doctor, I do find myself bordering on the danger of losing my humanism sometimes. I talk to patients just for the sake of getting a case to present for ward round. I simply don't care. When I clerk them, I hear them but I don't LISTEN. I remember Dr Selim once asked us "What is the most important quality that a doctor needs?" The answer is, of course, HUMANITY.

(Ooo..you see the source of the journal below the title? American Academy of Emergency Medicine...How cool is that? Sigh...I wonder when will I get to affiliate my name with Emergency Medicine, like I belong there, in that team of EM Academy. I don't even dare tell people I would like to do EM in the future for fear that they would think "What! She, with her level of competency, thinks of doing EM?!" Sigh again...I have plenty to work hard for.)

I love Orthopaedics posting. For one, I'm back to doing the usual stuff; clerking patients and doing physical examination with the chance to do some procedures and observing surgeries. Unlike in ENT or Ophthalmology. Hehe..I'm so prejudiced against these 2 postings...more so against Ophthalmology. My worst nightmare would be getting posted to Opht Department during MO. I better start making backup plans now.

Orthopaedics has taught me to be more patient and more humane. Maybe because most patients are elderly patients, which requires a higher amount of patience and gentleness. Or maybe because all the patients are in so much pain that you really can't bear to speak any more harsher or act any more impatient towards them. Or maybe, no, this I'm sure of, Prof Shahril and all the orthopaedic surgeons are very concerned about patient's functionality and social history because as one specialist said "Orthopaedics is all about helping patients regain their previous functionality." By going in depth into patient's social history, you get to learn so much more about your patient as an individual, that he is just like you and me, the problems that they are facing just by being in the ward and the problems that they have to encounter after they are discharged. The thing about asking patient's social history, you need a moderate amount of rapport before you go into it so that they don't find you intrusive when you ask how much they earn a month or how are they paying for their current medical costs. In addition, by asking these questions, you get to build a good rapport with them as you convey the message that you are concerned about them, that is, provided you get past the first round without being treated as a busybody. So you see, rapport and asking social history is like a feedback loop.

Although I love orthopaedics, I don't see myself doing it in the future. There's just something about it that's not right for me. I don't know what. Maybe I'll find out why by the end of this posting.

Heal her, please...

I was supposed to submit my case write-up yesterday but I fell asleep the previous night and never woke up despite the hourly alarm, which I had set. Not surprisingly, the first word that escaped my mouth when I woke up was 'SHIT!'. I felt so panicky and worried. I was restless and fidgety the whole morning.

That angelic little girl stopped me in the midst of my internal turmoil and hastiness. She woke me up. This little girl was the patient I happened to clerk for ward round. As I was the last person to arrive, she was the last case left. Being the most difficult case (spinal cord injury + spinal shock + fracture of left midshaft of femur), she was naturally the remaining unclerked one. But I wasn't thinking clearly like I said and being late, I was just lucky to have found myself a case. I proceeded straight to take the history from her aunty. She was sleeping so soundly at that time. As her story unfolded, my barrier was immediately and subconsciously drawn up. What barrier you ask? Well, whenever I'm thrown warily or unwarily into a potentially- emotional situation, there's this innate barrier which I would somehow summon to numb myself, to stop myself from feeling anything.

She and her dad were involved in an accident 2 months ago and her dad passed away on the scene. They were on their way from Tawau to visit her brother in the hospital here. Her brother has been suffering from acute myeloid leukemia for a year. She sustained a spinal cord injury from the accident and will be paraplegic permanently. She is only 5. They live about 12 hours from KK. Her mum has to stay in Tawau to take care of her brother, who is already on palliative treatment now. When I asked her aunt if she asked constantly for her mum, her aunt told me "Tidak juga. Dia faham juga yang mamanya kena jaga abangnya. Dia faham bila saya terangkan kepadanya." And her aunt also mentioned that she was a very active child. WAS.

She had already awaken when we dropped by her room again later to discuss her case. She is such a sweet and beautiful little girl. She was doing physiotherapy and was actively playing with the physio ball with her hands. Was I still worried about my case write up? NO. Was I still thinking that it's the end of the world if I didn't finish my case write up that day? NO. Was I still as restless and fidgety? NO. Nothing else in my life matters. All my problems and worries appear mundane and petty next to hers.

I have stopped asking God why her. I have stopped asking God such questions long ago. Because it will only upset me and make me resent God when I don't get my answer. And for that matter, I have never gotten my answer so far. But yet I can’t stop myself… WHY, GOD? WHY HER? WHY A CHILD? WHY ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER, HAS TO GO THROUGH SUCH A THING? YOU’RE OMNIPOTENT! CAN’T YOU STOP THE WORLD’S SUFFERINGS? CAN’T YOU PROTECT THE INNOCENT? YOU CAN! BUT, WHY ARE YOU NOT?

Thais love dogs

There are so many things on my mind. So despite the ‘University of Mollusc’ connection (as Ding puts it), I’m still determined to get connected to my blog. I simply need to unload before I sleep.

Last week, this time, I had just arrived in Bangkok. Ah…it somehow feels so long ago already. I’m so afraid that those wonderful memories will elude me. I had finally fulfilled my childhood dream of joining a students’ exchange programme. Although, this was not exactly the type of students’ exchange programme that I have envisioned (none of the AFS*-seriousness in it), I had never had a moment of unpleasantness throughout my stay in Bangkok. I was happy, excited, high-spirited ALL the time. It was more like a vacation than an academic programme. Not that I’m complaining. Like I said, there’s nothing to complain about. Seriously. Nada.

There are a few things I like about Bangkok, besides the obvious stated in any Thai tourism ad. I like that it is a very dog-friendly place. Stray dogs are everywhere, except that they don’t exhibit the typical signs of stray dogs. The dogs there are clean, well-fed and people-friendly. I was so amazed when Priz managed to get a stray dog to ‘shake hands’ with her. It was such a heartwarming scene. I conclude therefore, that Thai people love dogs. And I love people, who love dogs because well, I’m a dog-lover myself.

I like that Thais are very polite, generally, at least. It reminds me a lot about Sabahans. Somehow, they are tolerant, mild-mannered and soft-spoken. Even the language that they speak sounds so easy- on- the- ears (I really don’t know how else to describe it. But if you compare Thai language to say, Russian, then you’ll understand what I mean.)

I like that Thai guys are very gentlemanly. I notice they really treat a lady like a lady. They practise all the gentlemanly gestures which I always hope to see in Malaysian guys. They make sure your glass and plate are filled before they attempt to fill their own, they hold the door for you, they insisted on carrying their girlfriend’s shopping bags, they silently watch out for the girls when walking through a more rowdy crowd (you could see it in their body language or rather, you could feel the sense of security when walking with them). One incident, which struck me the most, was when a Thai guy quizzically asked my Malaysian guy friend, who was of course, walking with empty hands, why I was pushing the luggage trolley filled with bags myself. What a laugh! And of course, what an ‘Awww…’ moment for us, girls.

I like also that Thais are extremely patriotic and religious. Every crook and corner of a building or streets has an altar of Buddha or monks; in the universities, in the hospital, on the streets, in shopping malls....everywhere. And they love their king a lot. I feel kinda ashamed. But hey, you can’t blame me. I can’t possible FORCE myself to love my king right? Love cannot be forced, yo!

Bangkok is a metropolitan city with about 12.5 million people. It is no wonder the people are very civilized. Personally, another factor I usually use to measure how civilized or developed a city is, is by looking at their toilets.
Seat toilets + toilet paper in every cubicle = developed nation.
Plus every restaurant and stalls provide you with tissue. Now, this is what I call developed and civilized and cultured.

*AFS= American Field Progamme. I was once selected for an interview for a students' exchange programme organized by AFS. It was the real stuff. A year in USA or Spain or Japan etc..If you are selected to go, you are really like an ambassador for your country. You have to not only be well-versed in all the cultures and traditions of your country, you have to know how to do it as well, meaning you have to know how to dance that traditional dance, cook that traditional dish and of course, you have to be an all-rounder, a good public speaker and all in all, an outstanding person. Apparently, I was not at that time. But the interview was quite an experience, though.

Smiling stupidly

I am not used to penning down happy thoughts here because happy, pleasant feelings are not disturbing and eating you from the inside. Since starting this blog, it has really been a very effective outlet for me. I find that whatever shit feelings that I may be having sometimes seem to evaporate once I let them out here.

You know the commonly-used saying "Got up from the wrong side of the bed" when everything seems to go wrong on that day? Well, I definitely GOT UP FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED TODAY. Everything just seemed to go right. (PRAISE GOD!)

Well, I knew nothing can dampen my spirits today when I bumped into this doctor, whom I have been having a crush on since like forever. Hahahaha...Go ahead and laugh. Oh well, he's just so cute. Don't worry, it's just a little crush, which I allow myself to have so that once in a while, I can smile stupidly like this. Not only did I saw him, we also exchanged a few words as well... happy sigh..

Okay, back to reality...

Well, the computer guy managed to rectify whatever was corrupted with my laptop and hence, there was no need to reformat my laptop. And he charged me RM 20 which was cheaper than what I had saved up for. Hurray number 2!

Then I had my favourite M&Ms...I'm kinda having a thing for M&Ms recently.

And I finally got my new car sticker. Nothing much to be hurray-ed about but oh well, I take joy in the little things in life and when something goes smoothly according to plan. No glitches and inconveniences.

I also found out about my results, which turned out better than I've expected, although I was scared stiff in that few seconds when that someone, kononnya, tried to keep me in suspense. I have to remind her that I'm sitting right next to the window and she and everyone for that matter, should not scare me unnecessarily.

Last but not least, I'm still in the middle, although approaching the end, of my holidays. Nothing is more perfect than curling up in bed with a novel or a movie the whole day, without a care in the world.

Happy sigh....stupid smile, still...

Kill me

I have been hearing so many, and I mean so many many tales about how ridiculous and idiotic some of the juniors are. But this is the last straw. The moment I saw the souvenirs, I nearly fainted, have an asthmatic attack despite the fact that I don't have asthma and stroke all at the same time. You bought white, porcelain little angels as prizes for an Adolescent Workshop, where there will be 300 secondary school students from all over Sabah attending, out of which there will be 3 winners selected? WHITE LITTLE ANGELS DECORATION?!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! What if the winners are Muslims? What if they are guys? How are those appropriate? INAPPROPRIATE is the word. INAPPROPRIATE may be a simple, unimpressive word and does not qualify to describe what I was actually thinking and feeling, but try thinking wearing a bikini to a mosque inappropriate, ranting about how nice pork tastes in front of Nik Aziz and a whole bunch of ustaz inappropriate, saying, in front of a forensics doctor, that it's an absolute waste of time and pointless to do an autopsy when those people are already dead inappropriate. You get the picture? Oh my gawd! I nearly jumped down through my window.
The thing is 'Souvenirs' is perhaps, the easiest department to be in, a task so easy that it is considered 100% done as soon as it was assigned from Day `1, something which would be the last thing on any leader's mind when he first delegated that task. And this is why I was so appalled, that even getting souvenirs could go this wrong when it is almost 100%-wrong proof.

Perhaps, I'm an over-reacting, melodramatic bitch.

But the truth is, I'm not. So, that spells out the rest.

A Mother's Silent Prayer

I heard this song in church today. The title of the song captured my attention as much as its song later on. It made me thought of mom, who prays so much for me, more than I pray for myself and worst of all, more than I pray for her. My mother's prayer is so much stronger than mine. Whenever she prays for me, I know that things will be alright and my worries, fears and anxiety will immediately be replaced with that of peace, faith and serenity. And because of that, I trust my mother's prayer for me more than I trust my own. My mom is just one-of-a-kind and I can only aspire to be half like her.


"A Mother's Silent Prayer"

She calls upon the Father of creation
With every act of kindness for our sake
She seeks his grace to guard and guide her children
To raise us up in righteousness and strengthen us in faith

Chorus:
And as each labor of her love becomes an offering
Gifts upon the altar of her home
He hears her silent prayer and labors with her there
To mold our hearts; to shape our very souls

Every selfless deed is her petition
That bears aloft a fervent wordless plea
And like a prayer ascending into heaven
Every quiet sacrifice entreats him silently

(Repeat Chorus)
Each word of hope or council
Each sorrow that she shares
Each comfort that she offers
Is a mother's silent prayer

Of high estate or poor and lowly station
'mid mortal praise or by the world unknown
Every work of motherhood's devotion
Rises up to plead for her before the Father's throne


http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=698323&q=Hi

I'm a new man

I am never the kind that can listen to music while I'm studying. In order to really appreciate a song, its lyrics and all, I have to do nothing except listen to that song intently. Occasionally when I come across a song that makes me do that, stop everything and just concentrate on it, I'm always caught by how powerful music is. Other than a picture who is said to speak a thousand words, I think songs or music is just as powerful. The feelings poured out, the lyrics which could never have had the same effect if being put into a literature and the melody which embraces and ties up everything and gives it a beautiful harmony. Everything is just perfect. Well, everything has to be deemed so-called perfect before somebody releases a piece of music, although perfection is a subjective thing, as beauty is. That's besides the point.

I was listening to a song on a friend's blog. And that song is a perfect description of how she is feeling that it almost made me cry. Of course, before that, I was reading her blog and she has just lost a loved one. Sigh...

On another note, not that I'm proud but I both hate and love it when I turn right. Sometimes when I'm in a more obliging mood, I would give in to people's suggestion despite thinking that it's a bad idea. Either because I'm too lazy to argue and prove my point at that moment or I don't know how to convince them that my idea is good, but I feel a sense of satisfaction and sometimes a grudge? when I turn out to be right. I would be thinking (not saying) "Ah..who ask you not to listen to me?" And during those times when my suggestion was not used, every comment about it later being a bad idea, turned out to be exactly what I had foreseen. Hahaha...I'm so full of myself.

Of course, there are more times when I turn out to be wrong. I notice that I usually turn out to be wrong when it comes to an opinion about people. Something like a bias or prejudice. I'm constantly surprised by how people are not what I think they are. Like during the first day of ENT, I met this really dark man in the ward, whom I thought was a patient's relative or some technician. BOY WAS I WRONG! He turned out to be the nicest, funniest, kindest specialist, who is also very willing and enthusiastic in teaching us. And also there's this time when I was so cynical and thought that a friend was trying to take advantage of some of us. It turned out he was just forgetful and confused about a certain thing, which led him to do what he did.

And that was when I decided to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to be non-judgmental and really, just see the good in everyone. I'm a new person :)

Save the books

Books should be treated with care, love and respect. I mean it's BOOKS we're talking about here!!! Come on... the source of knowledge, creativity, entertainment and the labour of some great people out there, not to mention the sacrifice of hundreds or perhaps, thousands of trees to produce that one book.

I don't know what the university librarians are doing. The books in the medical section are getting from bad to worse each time I go, as in the arrangements of the books. Psychiatry books are in the Anaesthesia section, Physiology book in the O&G section...and the books are all topsy turvy such that they cause the thinner and more fragile books to be crushed by the heavier books. It's a total chaos! It literally hurts me to see those books being 'trampled' on by each other, to see the cover all mashed up. I couldn't help but arrange some of the books as I browse through the shelves and at the same time, trying to save those squashed books and putting back some books to their rightful sections.

Maybe the university should adopt the practice of the overseas universities. Hire students as part-time librarians. I would gladly sign up for that, even as a volunteer. Or just hire more librarians part time or full-time to arrange the books nicely in a 'respectful' manner.

Aih...the poor poor books. I can almost hear their cries "Save me, save me...Ouch, ouch, it's so heavy. Help! Help!"

Unwinding

The little things in life that makes me happy- swimming. Nothing can make me feel better than to go for a swim after a day spent cramming all the medical facts into my brain. I actually enjoy my swim better if I go alone. Oh well, I need my private space. Not convincing. Okay, fine. I'm a loner.

The pool was awfully dirty today...could see the murky water before I went in, even without my specs. Just as I expected, I couldn't see through the supposed-to-be-transparent water as I swam. I actually felt kinda afraid not being able to see clearly in the water...made me feel insecure. Ah, finally, I just decided to close my eyes when my head was was in the water, opening them only when I surfaced in between.

I have no idea why I don't feel breathless when I swim, unlike when I go running. I think I don't swim hard or fast enough. It makes me feel like I don't get to train my stamina. At least when I go running, I can feel the built up of lactic acid through the aching muscles, the panting as I go into oxygen debt, the tachycardia and my pumping heart. At least I know I'm building up my stamina. But I never feel any of these things when I swim. Yes, swimming burns more calories but I'm barely panting or tachycardic. There must be something wrong. I should probably master my freestyle quickly and switch to it. Freestyle's more demanding. Breaststroke apparently is the slowest of all the other competitive swimming styles.

I have the misfortune of having to deal with one of the juniors today. O.M.G. I didn't believe when N told me how useless she is. (Pardon me, this is supposed to be my outlet so I'm allowed to use as harsh a word as I like.) I had to text her as N's phone has some problems. The questions she asked me...ZOMG...totally reflects her lack of initiative, her laziness, inefficiency and brainlessness. Aih... And I heard she even asked N how to write that letter. For God's sake, didn't she learn how to write Surat rasmi or Formal letter in primary school? Or was that in secondary school? Whatever. Gunalah otak sikit sebelum tanya yang bukan-bukan. We might as well just do her job for her. And to think she even tried to boycott the whole project. Come to think of it, she wouldn't be able to pull through that stint anyway.

Well, I'm more tolerant these days. So I might be able to get through the whole project without raising my voice. Worse comes to worse, I'll just revert to sarcasm. That goes better with a normal tone of voice.

Oh, I got my appetite back. I was suffering from an idiopathic loss of appetite for the last 2 months where nothing seems to be appetizing to me. But, recently, I can feel the appetite coming back. Wonder if that's a good thing... My rationalizing mechanism is trying to convince me that it's a good thing. Oh well, we'll see.

A Bud & An Ache

It wasn’t easy or simple, contrary to what you think. How can it be unless I’m a human devoid of feelings?

Though I’ve only known you for a ridiculously short amount of time, that doesn’t make it any easier. I thought so too that I would have the sense and rationality, which I had mentally prepared myself with, to deal with any consequences. But, there were only 2 consequences which I had prepared for. And this isn’t one of them.

Tell me what should be the rational thing to feel if say, one day, your father tells you that he’s not your father. The difficult part is not hating him. The difficult part, instead, is not being able to hate your father because well, you love him. And you don’t want to disappoint him because to some extent, he has so much trust and confidence in you that you will not turn your back on him when he tells you the truth.

I like you because well, you’re you. I hate you because the very qualities that make me attracted to you turn out to be the very reasons why I can’t like you the way I want. I respect you because you’re brave and you’re not afraid to be who you are. The moment you told me that, an invisible bond has been created so how can I break that bond when at the same time, I treasure that bond so very much?

I thought that God must be as bored as me, hence, decided to play a trick on a helpless human like me. But then again, I decided that, yes, my defense mechanism, the rationalization type, decided to rationalize. Perhaps, this is not a trick. This is a blessing, having you in my life this way, though not the way I wanted. Perhaps, this is the only way how our relationship is going to last, longer than the other fragile type. And if you haven’t told me, there wouldn’t have been a beginning to us. You didn’t take the easier path yourself, instead you took the harder path, by telling me. That night was supposed to be a closure because I had noticed the hint and I was prepared to move on after that night. Boy, was I wrong, both about the hint and about the closure. It was a beginning instead, a beginning of something new and special and what my gut feeling tells me, as something good. And so, I will think of you now, one last time, as how I initially wanted you to be. From this moment on, I will then like or love you the correct way, how it’s supposed to be, as a good friend, whom you have deemed worthy right from the start.

LIVE !

We tend to take our lives for granted. When we hear of other people's passing, though there's the feeling of loss and sadness, we feel kinda 'detached'. As in "Oh, it's OTHER people, not me." As if THAT would never happen to us. Or when we hear of our mother's friend's father-in-law being diagnosed with cancer, again we feel a sense of...how should I put it....a sense of self-centredness? Like "Oh, it's OTHER people, not me, not my family." And we sympathize. Sympathizing itself is feeling sorry for someone without really feeling for them, without trying to put yourself in their shoes and really FEEL for them, because that would be empathizing. So, sympathizing is kinda like saying "Oh, it's too bad that this happens to you and I know it feels terrible BUT sorry, I don't want to know the extent of how terrible you feel and I don't want to experience what you are feeling for myself." Not that sympathizing is a bad thing and practically, for the preservation of our own mental health, we really cannot afford to empathize all the time.

Why do I say we tend to take our lives for granted? Because it never really occurs to us that we, ourselves may be facing death like say, tomorrow? Okay, this is such a 'Suai' and 'Choy' thing to talk about. But my point is, we don't appreciate life enough. We don't live our life to the fullest. We don't love enough. We don't tell the people we love 'I love you', thinking that we have all the time in the world. We don't forgive and forget readily enough. We don't say sorry enough, preferring to bear the grudges in us till God knows when. We don't repent sincerely enough thinking that we still have plenty of time to repent. We don't pray enough thinking that the time to face God is still so far away. We don't go out and do the outrageous things which we have put in our own 'List of Things To Do Before I Die" etc etc.

If a psychiatrist sees what I'm writing, I would most likely be diagnosed with depression. The death anniversary of somebody close to my heart is coming up. It's almost the end of the year. And because I used to think that I still have plenty of time with him, I hold back what I wanted to say. I couldn't bring myself to tear away my pride to apologize to him for disappointing him, for not expressing myself better and telling him how much he has influenced my life. That will always be my life's greatest regret.

And so, I told myself since then that I WILL and I SHALL never again hold back the things I want to say and do. I will try to apologize more readily. Although, being a total Asian means I will always have difficulty telling my parents I love them so very much in person, I will try to love them in my way and express it more openly to them. I will try to be more magnanimous and overlook the little things that usually annoys me. I will try to be more adventurous. I will try to see the good side of people more often. I will try to pray more. I will unabashedly ask a guy out on a date. And I will try to summon that courage to go get that tattoo which I've always wanted to get. I will laugh, smile, hug and love more freely.

I have recently done something unconventional. Although it's embarrassing like hell, but when I think of how unpredictable and short life is, like what if I die tomorrow, I realized, I would rather live with the possible humiliation then the definite regret if I hadn't done it.

I should probably talk to a psychiatrist or steal some antidepressants. :)

Sound of chickens

I can't believe the sound of chickens sent me into an uncontrollable fits of laughter till I nearly choked for laughing too hard. It all began when I was cooking my duck- flavoured maggi mee and Lok commented that something smelled like fried chicken. And Nadiah made things worse by saying "Duck-flavoured? As in QUACK QUACK?" But Lok's comment of 'fried chicken' stopped me for a second. Suddenly, I realised that I forgot what sounds do chickens make. My mind just couldn't recall and imagine the sounds of chicken. I know in English, we write as "Cluck cluck" but that's just in WORDS. And this Nadiah went and said "Don't chickens make sounds like "Cock-a-doo-da-doo". I was like "WHAT!! NO!!!" My auditory cortex and temporal lobe just refused to summon the auditory image.

As usual, when my mind is sent into a state of confusion, I HAVE to clear it. And so I did, by searching on YouTube "Sounds of Chicken". And of course, I got my answer from the video but again, this time, it wasn't my mind that 'cracked up'. I cracked up, into fits of laughter when I watched this video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpNgah-e6v4

Now I think I'm nuts for finding this video funny. Hmm...Nadiah was bursting into laughter too when I forced her to watch it. So maybe, I'm not nuts after all.

And of course, CHICKENS "Pokk...pokkk...".

Today...

Today is the kind of day when I feel like doing a bungee jump, just to get my heart beating like a hummingbird (beating like a hummingbird? I don't know where I get that from...). To describe a day as dull is kinda boring. The very word 'dull' itself dulls me...duh. So I will describe a dull day using the most colorful words and random, exciting phrases.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like getting caught for smoking in the hospital (not that I smoke) by my school's 'disciplinarian'. Actually, I don't, not this one. It's not the smoking part, it's the latter part that is too gruesome to imagine.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like suddenly running into a friend whom I haven't seen in the last 5 years.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like getting chased after by a dog and having to run like the wind for survival.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like getting a tattoo.

Today is the kind of day when I feel like assisting in a heart transplant surgery (phwoar....!).

Today is the kind of day when I feel like doing 12 venepunctures and 5 ABG.

And today is the day when I really have to get started on my tutorial preparation on the anatomy of the lateral wall of the nose, finish my ENT book, get further along on my KL Moore on the anatomy of the ear, nose, throat and get started on the anatomy of nervous system, especially cranial nerves.

I'm feeling stupider each day, a progress which I'm determined to HALT. I'm going to get smarter each day, by first finishing this blog and getting off the internet.

Saying It, Doing It

When I get a question in my head, I can't rest until I've got it out. Or when I have an opinion about something, I can't stop myself from speaking out either. If I somehow, miraculously, succeeded in suppressing that comment (usually sarcastic ones), I will not say it BUT I will SHOW it by portraying the facial expression and body language which says 'I have something to add to that but I don't think you'll get it or the 'Never mind' kind of look. If I have a sudden craving for a particular food, I'll continue to think of that food until I've eaten it. If I have an impulsion to do something, needless to say, I will go ahead and do it, no matter how bad an idea it might turn out to be.

After I've had my say, fulfilled my cravings, had my questions answered or impulsion acted upon, then can I only have my peace of mind, although sometimes, the consequences of my actions leave me in a state of emotional or mental turmoil. Well, what can I say except "You never know what will or will not happen. " I just can't live not knowing.

Past experiences have taught me that. There were a couple of times when I didn't say the things I should, do the things I ought to and I ended up regretting them up till today, STILL wondering if things could have turned out differently. The regret is just too much. And so, since the last episode, I've vowed to myself that I will never again suppress anything that I badly want to say or do. I really don't know YET if this is a good thing. Guess only time (and a few 'experiments') will tell.

Aging and dying

A friend's dad passed away recently. The mother of a doctor, who used to teach me in the hospital, passed away too recently. And then I heard a senior had an accident and was in ICU just few days ago. They are all terrible news. It's like the weather suddenly turns cloudy and a black cloud comes and lingers above my head whenever I hear of such news.

Each time I come back home for holidays, my parents seem to look older, with more white hair. Sometimes, the reality of their aging hits me when I see my friend's parents. I would think "Hmm..how Sally's dad has aged with all that wrinkles and white hair and extra weight." And almost immediately, it made me think of my parents.

I literally shudder at the thought of my parents leaving me forever. Sometimes, I would tear just thinking of them leaving me. There was once when I dreamt that my parents had an accident and were gone. The nightmare was so terribly real. There was even a scene in the nightmare where I was coping after the accident and a friend tried to bring me to an activity organised by a Buddhist association (he was a staunch Buddhist, apparently). And everything was just so so so so real that I even wished so hard, in my dream, that all that could just be a terrible dream and that I would just be able to wake up from it. AND I DID wake up from it, of course.

Waking up from that dream has got to be the HUGE-EST relief that I have EVER had. And I was so overwhelmed by the nightmare and so relieved that I just burst into tears. Like I was crying like nobody's business after I woke up. Of course, my roommates were alarmed. And my parents too when I called them immediately after that, STILL crying. LOL... It felt LOL now but not at that moment.

Sometimes, I get really frightened when I hear of my parents traveling outstation. I would pray exceptionally hard that they would have a safe journey. There was once when they were traveling to Genting without me. I was so worried and started imagining the landslides and all.

I try to get something positive out of this fear. Like whenever I start to become rude or do something hurting to my parents, I will think how unpredictable life is and they could be leaving me suddenly. I try to be as filial and loving a daughter as I can.

Gentleman

There's always the ongoing debate about how feminism and gentlemanly-ness don't go hand in hand. A feminist must never expect a man to be a gentleman and treat her like a lady. Well, this is never a problem for me because I'm never a feminist, although I'm not exactly the typical soft-spoken, demure, girly girl. On the contrary, I totally swoon over gentlemanly gestures.

And so, I was totally surprised when I didn't have to lift down my kneeler at church today. I'm so used to putting down and lifting back up the kneeler myself on every other Sunday. I couldn't help smiling when this teenage boy automatically did that for our row.

It certainly feels nice when a guy opens the door and lets you pass through first or offers to carry your bags of groceries for you or automatically reaches over the top shelf to get that pack of cereals for you. Those are enough. To expect a guy to open the car door for you or to offer to pump the air for your car tyres at a petrol station would be just too high an expectation. Now, we don't want to have such unrealistic expectations, do we?

Although I'm used to NOT being treated as a lady, I still find myself frowning when a guy opens the door, passes through it himself first, almost bangs into you in that process and leaves the swinging door to slam you in the face. I mean you call yourself a man?!! Like I wouldn't even leave the door swinging at my GIRLFRIENDS behind me. Or a guy who just stands beside you with his hands in his pockets while you are staggering with your books or bags of groceries beside him. This sort of guys is just incurable.

No, gentlemanly acts are never old-fashioned despite what some guys may think. I mean okay, we don't expect you to treat as as if we are cripples. And okay, maybe opening the car door is too much and unnecessary (but doing that sometimes on a special date would really melt a girl's heart). But sometimes, being gentlemanly is not a special effort that you have to muster up, it is basically just being HELPFUL, if you see it from another perspective. For instance, putting down a kneeler means that a girl would not have to bend ALL the way down (which is a long way if you are wearing heels) and risk exposing her front and back valleys in the process. Or when seeing a girl struggling to pump air into her car tyres, it would also save you the waiting time if you could just go and help her.

I have met both spectrum of the male species and I have to say, the inspontaneous, uninitiative 'gentlemen', have better buck up. This is survival of the fittest. You're at risk of becoming extinct if natural selection comes into play.

What do you call these people?

I have always wondered how people can have ZERO initiative, NIL! Say you see a friend coming in holding a pile of books, a backpack, a laptop bag, a bunch of flowers, a plastic of rambutans (you get my point) and you just stand there and do nothing when you are the closest person to him. Or you are the nearest to the door when someone knocks and you just continue sitting down doing nothing. Or you are asked a question and an answer is expected from you but you just kept a "huh, what?" face and look around eventhough it's a simple question like "What time is it?" Like what the hell! What is wrong with you? Are you like dead or what?

Nothing annoys me more than people who are un-initiative (not like the volunteer- to- voice- opinion or answer- questions- type, but the basic level of initiative), rude, speaks harshly, egoistic and condescending. It is also very important to me to mind your P's and Q's.

Another thing happened which just made me boil over. When you make decisions or voice out suggestions/ complaints as a group, you stick with them, AS A GROUP. When confronted by an authority figure or the subject of the complaint/ suggestion/ compliment or whatever, you don't say things like "Oh, I'm not the one who said that" or "I wasn't the one who wrote that" in front of all your group members. Like how selfish is that!! You want to get yourself out of the shit when confronted and leave your members to take all the blame? And you don't even have the courtesy to do that BEHIND their backs, you do that outright in front of them! That just makes you the lowest scum that crawls the earth. Ok, that's a bit harsh but still, I made my point.

GET OUT OF ME!

I have been feeling depressed lately. I have no idea why. Ok, maybe I have a few worries but who doesn't. I guess I understand now the feeling of a depressed or bipolar patient. It's a persistent feeling of low mood that you know is not normal and is not you. You know something is wrong with you and you try doing all sorts of things to feel better. I tried going to watch Eclipse alone for the second time and it worked, for that day at least. Then I tried going swimming on this day when I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, with chest tightness, panting breaths and palpitations for God knows what reason. And I have been having neck and shoulder ache for months, which now I think COULD be a symptom of anxiety disorder. But so far, it hasn't affected my sleep and daily functioning and I really hope it won't.

Or am I just malingering or suffering from somatoform disorder? But I don't think so because I am not feigning all these feelings to get some sort of personal gain.

Whatever it is, I hope I get over this period FAST. It's just awful, not feeling happy. Every of my laugh sounds fake and forced. My quick temper has gone even 'quicker' now. Lol... I'm sure my group mates must be thinking I am having PMS or premature menopausal symptoms...haha..but probably not.

Or is it just being in psychiatry posting that is affecting us? D has been feeling low these few days. N has some odd feelings too. And of course, SL is completely manic. Wish I can be manic instead of depressed.

I don't know what the upside of all this is. I usually try to find the upsides for every bad thing. I guess it makes me appreciate happiness more? How lame is that..lol! Now I'm making jokes for myself?!!

"REMOVE MOUNTAINS"

"Remove mountains" is a common Jewish phrase for removing difficulties. A wise teacher who could solve difficulties was called a "mountain remover". This is what I've read in 'Lectio Divina', a booklet I read as a shortcut to the Bible. Sigh....I'm a terrible Catholic, who needs a shortcut, yes.

The problem with my elective payment has caused me much frustration and worries, yes again, I'm a worrier. As my mum always do, the first thing she asked me whenever I told her of any problem I'm facing is "Did you pray over it?" And as usual, that question will be met with a guilty silence and a surprisingly, shocking enlightenment. I'm amazed and yet annoyed at myself because I can forget AGAIN AND AGAIN, what seems so obvious. I mean it's so obvious that prayers are ESSENTIAL and I truly believe and know that. And yet, every time I'm met with no matter how big or small the obstacle, I will be so caught up with my worries and frustration that it completely slips my mind the most obvious and easiest solution: PRAY. How many times do I have to experience God's greatness and miracles to get that into my thick head?!!

God has spoken to me. The Saturday readings in Lectio Divina which I was reading was "Nothing will be impossible to you" and Jesus said "....if you have faith a grain of a mustard seed, you will say this to the mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move." If I only I had that amount of faith, my problem could have been solved long ago. But now's not too late.

I know now that my problem IS SOLVED!

Made to slog like a cow

I remember taking my mum's old account books when I was young and pretending to be a teacher by marking those books. I took LOADS of my mum's books and tried to make myself as BUSY a 'teacher' as I could be. Since young, I have always wanted a busy job, a job that can keep me on my toes all the time. When I worked part time as a salesgirl in boutique, and then a department store and followed by, in a pharmacy, I found those job pure torture, because I couldn't stand DOING NOTHING all day. I loved the public holidays and weekends when busy times and heaps of customers were a sure thing. When I entered clinical years, I loved on-calls as there were a high chance that I could actually DO something, using my hands, hands-on work. But of course, I was/am disappointed at times when the Emergency Department turned out not to be as busy as I expected.

I love learning about psychiatry and psychology as much as I love learning new things, theories (because they are still only theories and I can still challenge them) and philosophy (I happen to find psychiatry, or psychology at least, very philosophical). BUT, the BUT is that procedural work is sooooo limited in psychiatry, no, make that almost non-existent. Luckily, it's only 7 weeks or I would have been irreversibly ruined. Why ruined? Because sitting around, for me, sets off a vicious cycle. When I sit around not doing anything with my hands, I become very lethargic. And when the lethargy goes away, it will be replaced by a gradual onset of laziness. And the mild laziness will then become more serious and prolonged until I just don't feel like getting up anymore (metaphorical). And ultimately, but not yet for now, I will become a total bum. And after realising that I've become a total bum, I will become stressed about it and the stress will turn me into this hostile and crappy person, who snaps at people easily. AND ALL these happen because I AM TOO FREE. Am I sick or what? Or am I destined for a hard life, hard as in the-need-to-slog-in-order-to-be-happy kind of life?

*sigh* I can't wait to go back to the life of blood-taking, IV cannulation, doing CBD (ok, maybe not this after a disgusting episode), taking fast and concise history because it's an emergency case and even, physical examination, yes, even that. Oh..wait....dang...I'll be going to Combined Specialty posting next...I don't think there will be much procedural work there too. Somebody better find me a cure for irreversible laziness, fast!

Murphy's law

Murphy's law states that "Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong." or
Bak pepatah "Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga".

I worry too much. You know why? Even when I'm having peaceful and problem-free days/ weeks, I would start to worry because I know something is going to go wrong soon because, knowing LIFE, it wouldn't be that easy...I wouldn't get to live my life peacefully and problem-free ever after. Of course, looking back, most of my problems got solved in the end (Praise God!) but the process of going through and solving those problems is just torture.

AHH...I can't wait for my rough phase to be over and the peaceful phase to come.

Though if I think logically and "Count my blessings" (*roll eyes*), of course, my problems are nothing compared to so many others' out there. But sometimes, I just want to be irrational and sulk and complain and NOT count my blessings and just cry over how big my troubles are. I want my problems to be acknowledged as important and a big deal and be sympathized. Right, I'm pathetic. Most of the time, my parents fulfill that need, their words soothe and comfort me. And by acknowledging how 'big' and important my problems are, they make me feel like I'm such a strong and independent person and THAT gives me new strength to go on.

Moral support including words of encouragement and prayers cannot be seen or touched or measured. So, it is very easy to forget these abstract forms of support compared to more concrete forms like material/ monetary support. It is very easy to shout "What have you done for me?" but it is difficult to reply "Remember the encouragement that I gave you?" or "The prayers I have said for you". Those don't sound very convincing as opposed to "I bought you a car" or "I bought you that handphone".

That being said, I think moral support, encouragement and prayers may well be the more essential thing we need in order to go on with life.

"Analyze This"

As usual, my mind was full of unspoken thoughts and unspoken words, words that I could not say right out if I want to continue to survive in my world.

I hate it when people talk to me in a condescending manner. I could simply be saying "Hey, isn't that beautiful?!" If the reply to my statement was as simple as this seemed to sound "Yeah, of course, it's beautiful," I wouldn't be irritated. But if it was spoken in a very matter-of-fact manner, like it's unnecessary and even ridiculous of me to mention that when it was so obvious that that thing is beautiful, I would get kinda pissed. Like I wasn't asking for your approval or anything. Couldn't you just simply say "Yeah man!"? As I analyze the REASON WHY I'm so petty and pissed at such a teeny-weeny detail, I realize I am myself a very condescending and egoistic person as well. I think that the reasons I feel irritated when people speak to me like that are:

1. I want people to agree with me and even accommodate to me.
2. I'm so egoistic that I can't handle it if people talk or act like they are superior to me.
3. I don't have enough confidence in myself that I'm irritated when people think they are better than me.

All of the above therefore, make me realise that I AM, MYSELF, that person- the very person that I detest- condescending and egoistic. And I realise sometimes, right after the words come out of my mouth, that I sound condescending as hell.

So, as I lay in bed at night and sometimes reflect on my words and deeds for the day, I realise what an awful person I can be.

But the silver lining behind all this is, I realize my own faults. In psychiatric terms, I have EXCELLENT INSIGHT, and therefore my prognosis is good. Well, even though, I do realise my own faults, it's really really not easy to change overnight. It takes an immense amount of effort to change. And I do really try until sometimes, I feel so tired of trying to be careful in my speech that I just don't feel like talking. And it is also during times like this that I miss my family and best friends the most, because with them, I can speak my mind. They know me well enough to know that I am NOT that awful person despite the awful things that may come out of my mouth. Does this even make any sense? LOL...Oh well, who cares, as long as I understand.

Freud-inspired

I have a high chance of developing schizophrenia. Why?

1. I have a 2nd-degree relative with schizo, which gives me a 5-6% likelihood of getting it, as
opposed to 1% for the normal population.
2. After Prof Kumar's lecture today, I release my type of defense mechanism is SUPPRESSION,
to which Prof Kumar added, "A person like this would one day explode."

And this is why I decided to start a blog, to protect my ego. According to Freud's theory of Id, Ego and Superego,each person has a defense mechanism to protect our ego.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego,_and_super-ego)

If our ego is somehow damaged or broken, bam!!! mental illness develops!

Since my defense mechanism is such an unhealthy and dangerous one, I have decided to try out new methods of defense mechanism, that is sublimation and intellectualization.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sublimation_%28psychology%29)
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intellectualization)

In simpler terms, I hope that by actually expressing all my grievances, unhappiness and frustration here, it would make me a more 'balanced person'. LOL....not to say that I'm imbalanced here. I'm talking about prevention here. I will have Freud (and Prof Kumar, of course) to thank if I never ever develop any psychiatric illness in my lifetime.

And I have also named by blog after Freud, as a tribute. haha..