"Analyze This"

As usual, my mind was full of unspoken thoughts and unspoken words, words that I could not say right out if I want to continue to survive in my world.

I hate it when people talk to me in a condescending manner. I could simply be saying "Hey, isn't that beautiful?!" If the reply to my statement was as simple as this seemed to sound "Yeah, of course, it's beautiful," I wouldn't be irritated. But if it was spoken in a very matter-of-fact manner, like it's unnecessary and even ridiculous of me to mention that when it was so obvious that that thing is beautiful, I would get kinda pissed. Like I wasn't asking for your approval or anything. Couldn't you just simply say "Yeah man!"? As I analyze the REASON WHY I'm so petty and pissed at such a teeny-weeny detail, I realize I am myself a very condescending and egoistic person as well. I think that the reasons I feel irritated when people speak to me like that are:

1. I want people to agree with me and even accommodate to me.
2. I'm so egoistic that I can't handle it if people talk or act like they are superior to me.
3. I don't have enough confidence in myself that I'm irritated when people think they are better than me.

All of the above therefore, make me realise that I AM, MYSELF, that person- the very person that I detest- condescending and egoistic. And I realise sometimes, right after the words come out of my mouth, that I sound condescending as hell.

So, as I lay in bed at night and sometimes reflect on my words and deeds for the day, I realise what an awful person I can be.

But the silver lining behind all this is, I realize my own faults. In psychiatric terms, I have EXCELLENT INSIGHT, and therefore my prognosis is good. Well, even though, I do realise my own faults, it's really really not easy to change overnight. It takes an immense amount of effort to change. And I do really try until sometimes, I feel so tired of trying to be careful in my speech that I just don't feel like talking. And it is also during times like this that I miss my family and best friends the most, because with them, I can speak my mind. They know me well enough to know that I am NOT that awful person despite the awful things that may come out of my mouth. Does this even make any sense? LOL...Oh well, who cares, as long as I understand.