I was supposed to submit my case write-up yesterday but I fell asleep the previous night and never woke up despite the hourly alarm, which I had set. Not surprisingly, the first word that escaped my mouth when I woke up was 'SHIT!'. I felt so panicky and worried. I was restless and fidgety the whole morning.
That angelic little girl stopped me in the midst of my internal turmoil and hastiness. She woke me up. This little girl was the patient I happened to clerk for ward round. As I was the last person to arrive, she was the last case left. Being the most difficult case (spinal cord injury + spinal shock + fracture of left midshaft of femur), she was naturally the remaining unclerked one. But I wasn't thinking clearly like I said and being late, I was just lucky to have found myself a case. I proceeded straight to take the history from her aunty. She was sleeping so soundly at that time. As her story unfolded, my barrier was immediately and subconsciously drawn up. What barrier you ask? Well, whenever I'm thrown warily or unwarily into a potentially- emotional situation, there's this innate barrier which I would somehow summon to numb myself, to stop myself from feeling anything.
She and her dad were involved in an accident 2 months ago and her dad passed away on the scene. They were on their way from Tawau to visit her brother in the hospital here. Her brother has been suffering from acute myeloid leukemia for a year. She sustained a spinal cord injury from the accident and will be paraplegic permanently. She is only 5. They live about 12 hours from KK. Her mum has to stay in Tawau to take care of her brother, who is already on palliative treatment now. When I asked her aunt if she asked constantly for her mum, her aunt told me "Tidak juga. Dia faham juga yang mamanya kena jaga abangnya. Dia faham bila saya terangkan kepadanya." And her aunt also mentioned that she was a very active child. WAS.
She had already awaken when we dropped by her room again later to discuss her case. She is such a sweet and beautiful little girl. She was doing physiotherapy and was actively playing with the physio ball with her hands. Was I still worried about my case write up? NO. Was I still thinking that it's the end of the world if I didn't finish my case write up that day? NO. Was I still as restless and fidgety? NO. Nothing else in my life matters. All my problems and worries appear mundane and petty next to hers.
I have stopped asking God why her. I have stopped asking God such questions long ago. Because it will only upset me and make me resent God when I don't get my answer. And for that matter, I have never gotten my answer so far. But yet I can’t stop myself… WHY, GOD? WHY HER? WHY A CHILD? WHY ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER, HAS TO GO THROUGH SUCH A THING? YOU’RE OMNIPOTENT! CAN’T YOU STOP THE WORLD’S SUFFERINGS? CAN’T YOU PROTECT THE INNOCENT? YOU CAN! BUT, WHY ARE YOU NOT?
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