Heal her, please...

I was supposed to submit my case write-up yesterday but I fell asleep the previous night and never woke up despite the hourly alarm, which I had set. Not surprisingly, the first word that escaped my mouth when I woke up was 'SHIT!'. I felt so panicky and worried. I was restless and fidgety the whole morning.

That angelic little girl stopped me in the midst of my internal turmoil and hastiness. She woke me up. This little girl was the patient I happened to clerk for ward round. As I was the last person to arrive, she was the last case left. Being the most difficult case (spinal cord injury + spinal shock + fracture of left midshaft of femur), she was naturally the remaining unclerked one. But I wasn't thinking clearly like I said and being late, I was just lucky to have found myself a case. I proceeded straight to take the history from her aunty. She was sleeping so soundly at that time. As her story unfolded, my barrier was immediately and subconsciously drawn up. What barrier you ask? Well, whenever I'm thrown warily or unwarily into a potentially- emotional situation, there's this innate barrier which I would somehow summon to numb myself, to stop myself from feeling anything.

She and her dad were involved in an accident 2 months ago and her dad passed away on the scene. They were on their way from Tawau to visit her brother in the hospital here. Her brother has been suffering from acute myeloid leukemia for a year. She sustained a spinal cord injury from the accident and will be paraplegic permanently. She is only 5. They live about 12 hours from KK. Her mum has to stay in Tawau to take care of her brother, who is already on palliative treatment now. When I asked her aunt if she asked constantly for her mum, her aunt told me "Tidak juga. Dia faham juga yang mamanya kena jaga abangnya. Dia faham bila saya terangkan kepadanya." And her aunt also mentioned that she was a very active child. WAS.

She had already awaken when we dropped by her room again later to discuss her case. She is such a sweet and beautiful little girl. She was doing physiotherapy and was actively playing with the physio ball with her hands. Was I still worried about my case write up? NO. Was I still thinking that it's the end of the world if I didn't finish my case write up that day? NO. Was I still as restless and fidgety? NO. Nothing else in my life matters. All my problems and worries appear mundane and petty next to hers.

I have stopped asking God why her. I have stopped asking God such questions long ago. Because it will only upset me and make me resent God when I don't get my answer. And for that matter, I have never gotten my answer so far. But yet I can’t stop myself… WHY, GOD? WHY HER? WHY A CHILD? WHY ANYONE, FOR THAT MATTER, HAS TO GO THROUGH SUCH A THING? YOU’RE OMNIPOTENT! CAN’T YOU STOP THE WORLD’S SUFFERINGS? CAN’T YOU PROTECT THE INNOCENT? YOU CAN! BUT, WHY ARE YOU NOT?

Thais love dogs

There are so many things on my mind. So despite the ‘University of Mollusc’ connection (as Ding puts it), I’m still determined to get connected to my blog. I simply need to unload before I sleep.

Last week, this time, I had just arrived in Bangkok. Ah…it somehow feels so long ago already. I’m so afraid that those wonderful memories will elude me. I had finally fulfilled my childhood dream of joining a students’ exchange programme. Although, this was not exactly the type of students’ exchange programme that I have envisioned (none of the AFS*-seriousness in it), I had never had a moment of unpleasantness throughout my stay in Bangkok. I was happy, excited, high-spirited ALL the time. It was more like a vacation than an academic programme. Not that I’m complaining. Like I said, there’s nothing to complain about. Seriously. Nada.

There are a few things I like about Bangkok, besides the obvious stated in any Thai tourism ad. I like that it is a very dog-friendly place. Stray dogs are everywhere, except that they don’t exhibit the typical signs of stray dogs. The dogs there are clean, well-fed and people-friendly. I was so amazed when Priz managed to get a stray dog to ‘shake hands’ with her. It was such a heartwarming scene. I conclude therefore, that Thai people love dogs. And I love people, who love dogs because well, I’m a dog-lover myself.

I like that Thais are very polite, generally, at least. It reminds me a lot about Sabahans. Somehow, they are tolerant, mild-mannered and soft-spoken. Even the language that they speak sounds so easy- on- the- ears (I really don’t know how else to describe it. But if you compare Thai language to say, Russian, then you’ll understand what I mean.)

I like that Thai guys are very gentlemanly. I notice they really treat a lady like a lady. They practise all the gentlemanly gestures which I always hope to see in Malaysian guys. They make sure your glass and plate are filled before they attempt to fill their own, they hold the door for you, they insisted on carrying their girlfriend’s shopping bags, they silently watch out for the girls when walking through a more rowdy crowd (you could see it in their body language or rather, you could feel the sense of security when walking with them). One incident, which struck me the most, was when a Thai guy quizzically asked my Malaysian guy friend, who was of course, walking with empty hands, why I was pushing the luggage trolley filled with bags myself. What a laugh! And of course, what an ‘Awww…’ moment for us, girls.

I like also that Thais are extremely patriotic and religious. Every crook and corner of a building or streets has an altar of Buddha or monks; in the universities, in the hospital, on the streets, in shopping malls....everywhere. And they love their king a lot. I feel kinda ashamed. But hey, you can’t blame me. I can’t possible FORCE myself to love my king right? Love cannot be forced, yo!

Bangkok is a metropolitan city with about 12.5 million people. It is no wonder the people are very civilized. Personally, another factor I usually use to measure how civilized or developed a city is, is by looking at their toilets.
Seat toilets + toilet paper in every cubicle = developed nation.
Plus every restaurant and stalls provide you with tissue. Now, this is what I call developed and civilized and cultured.

*AFS= American Field Progamme. I was once selected for an interview for a students' exchange programme organized by AFS. It was the real stuff. A year in USA or Spain or Japan etc..If you are selected to go, you are really like an ambassador for your country. You have to not only be well-versed in all the cultures and traditions of your country, you have to know how to do it as well, meaning you have to know how to dance that traditional dance, cook that traditional dish and of course, you have to be an all-rounder, a good public speaker and all in all, an outstanding person. Apparently, I was not at that time. But the interview was quite an experience, though.

Smiling stupidly

I am not used to penning down happy thoughts here because happy, pleasant feelings are not disturbing and eating you from the inside. Since starting this blog, it has really been a very effective outlet for me. I find that whatever shit feelings that I may be having sometimes seem to evaporate once I let them out here.

You know the commonly-used saying "Got up from the wrong side of the bed" when everything seems to go wrong on that day? Well, I definitely GOT UP FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED TODAY. Everything just seemed to go right. (PRAISE GOD!)

Well, I knew nothing can dampen my spirits today when I bumped into this doctor, whom I have been having a crush on since like forever. Hahahaha...Go ahead and laugh. Oh well, he's just so cute. Don't worry, it's just a little crush, which I allow myself to have so that once in a while, I can smile stupidly like this. Not only did I saw him, we also exchanged a few words as well... happy sigh..

Okay, back to reality...

Well, the computer guy managed to rectify whatever was corrupted with my laptop and hence, there was no need to reformat my laptop. And he charged me RM 20 which was cheaper than what I had saved up for. Hurray number 2!

Then I had my favourite M&Ms...I'm kinda having a thing for M&Ms recently.

And I finally got my new car sticker. Nothing much to be hurray-ed about but oh well, I take joy in the little things in life and when something goes smoothly according to plan. No glitches and inconveniences.

I also found out about my results, which turned out better than I've expected, although I was scared stiff in that few seconds when that someone, kononnya, tried to keep me in suspense. I have to remind her that I'm sitting right next to the window and she and everyone for that matter, should not scare me unnecessarily.

Last but not least, I'm still in the middle, although approaching the end, of my holidays. Nothing is more perfect than curling up in bed with a novel or a movie the whole day, without a care in the world.

Happy sigh....stupid smile, still...

Kill me

I have been hearing so many, and I mean so many many tales about how ridiculous and idiotic some of the juniors are. But this is the last straw. The moment I saw the souvenirs, I nearly fainted, have an asthmatic attack despite the fact that I don't have asthma and stroke all at the same time. You bought white, porcelain little angels as prizes for an Adolescent Workshop, where there will be 300 secondary school students from all over Sabah attending, out of which there will be 3 winners selected? WHITE LITTLE ANGELS DECORATION?!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! What if the winners are Muslims? What if they are guys? How are those appropriate? INAPPROPRIATE is the word. INAPPROPRIATE may be a simple, unimpressive word and does not qualify to describe what I was actually thinking and feeling, but try thinking wearing a bikini to a mosque inappropriate, ranting about how nice pork tastes in front of Nik Aziz and a whole bunch of ustaz inappropriate, saying, in front of a forensics doctor, that it's an absolute waste of time and pointless to do an autopsy when those people are already dead inappropriate. You get the picture? Oh my gawd! I nearly jumped down through my window.
The thing is 'Souvenirs' is perhaps, the easiest department to be in, a task so easy that it is considered 100% done as soon as it was assigned from Day `1, something which would be the last thing on any leader's mind when he first delegated that task. And this is why I was so appalled, that even getting souvenirs could go this wrong when it is almost 100%-wrong proof.

Perhaps, I'm an over-reacting, melodramatic bitch.

But the truth is, I'm not. So, that spells out the rest.

A Mother's Silent Prayer

I heard this song in church today. The title of the song captured my attention as much as its song later on. It made me thought of mom, who prays so much for me, more than I pray for myself and worst of all, more than I pray for her. My mother's prayer is so much stronger than mine. Whenever she prays for me, I know that things will be alright and my worries, fears and anxiety will immediately be replaced with that of peace, faith and serenity. And because of that, I trust my mother's prayer for me more than I trust my own. My mom is just one-of-a-kind and I can only aspire to be half like her.


"A Mother's Silent Prayer"

She calls upon the Father of creation
With every act of kindness for our sake
She seeks his grace to guard and guide her children
To raise us up in righteousness and strengthen us in faith

Chorus:
And as each labor of her love becomes an offering
Gifts upon the altar of her home
He hears her silent prayer and labors with her there
To mold our hearts; to shape our very souls

Every selfless deed is her petition
That bears aloft a fervent wordless plea
And like a prayer ascending into heaven
Every quiet sacrifice entreats him silently

(Repeat Chorus)
Each word of hope or council
Each sorrow that she shares
Each comfort that she offers
Is a mother's silent prayer

Of high estate or poor and lowly station
'mid mortal praise or by the world unknown
Every work of motherhood's devotion
Rises up to plead for her before the Father's throne


http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=698323&q=Hi

I'm a new man

I am never the kind that can listen to music while I'm studying. In order to really appreciate a song, its lyrics and all, I have to do nothing except listen to that song intently. Occasionally when I come across a song that makes me do that, stop everything and just concentrate on it, I'm always caught by how powerful music is. Other than a picture who is said to speak a thousand words, I think songs or music is just as powerful. The feelings poured out, the lyrics which could never have had the same effect if being put into a literature and the melody which embraces and ties up everything and gives it a beautiful harmony. Everything is just perfect. Well, everything has to be deemed so-called perfect before somebody releases a piece of music, although perfection is a subjective thing, as beauty is. That's besides the point.

I was listening to a song on a friend's blog. And that song is a perfect description of how she is feeling that it almost made me cry. Of course, before that, I was reading her blog and she has just lost a loved one. Sigh...

On another note, not that I'm proud but I both hate and love it when I turn right. Sometimes when I'm in a more obliging mood, I would give in to people's suggestion despite thinking that it's a bad idea. Either because I'm too lazy to argue and prove my point at that moment or I don't know how to convince them that my idea is good, but I feel a sense of satisfaction and sometimes a grudge? when I turn out to be right. I would be thinking (not saying) "Ah..who ask you not to listen to me?" And during those times when my suggestion was not used, every comment about it later being a bad idea, turned out to be exactly what I had foreseen. Hahaha...I'm so full of myself.

Of course, there are more times when I turn out to be wrong. I notice that I usually turn out to be wrong when it comes to an opinion about people. Something like a bias or prejudice. I'm constantly surprised by how people are not what I think they are. Like during the first day of ENT, I met this really dark man in the ward, whom I thought was a patient's relative or some technician. BOY WAS I WRONG! He turned out to be the nicest, funniest, kindest specialist, who is also very willing and enthusiastic in teaching us. And also there's this time when I was so cynical and thought that a friend was trying to take advantage of some of us. It turned out he was just forgetful and confused about a certain thing, which led him to do what he did.

And that was when I decided to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to be non-judgmental and really, just see the good in everyone. I'm a new person :)

Save the books

Books should be treated with care, love and respect. I mean it's BOOKS we're talking about here!!! Come on... the source of knowledge, creativity, entertainment and the labour of some great people out there, not to mention the sacrifice of hundreds or perhaps, thousands of trees to produce that one book.

I don't know what the university librarians are doing. The books in the medical section are getting from bad to worse each time I go, as in the arrangements of the books. Psychiatry books are in the Anaesthesia section, Physiology book in the O&G section...and the books are all topsy turvy such that they cause the thinner and more fragile books to be crushed by the heavier books. It's a total chaos! It literally hurts me to see those books being 'trampled' on by each other, to see the cover all mashed up. I couldn't help but arrange some of the books as I browse through the shelves and at the same time, trying to save those squashed books and putting back some books to their rightful sections.

Maybe the university should adopt the practice of the overseas universities. Hire students as part-time librarians. I would gladly sign up for that, even as a volunteer. Or just hire more librarians part time or full-time to arrange the books nicely in a 'respectful' manner.

Aih...the poor poor books. I can almost hear their cries "Save me, save me...Ouch, ouch, it's so heavy. Help! Help!"