TIRED's the word

I am laziest in the most difficult posting. HOW CAN?!! I leave UMS as early as 6.30am and latest by 7.30 every day. I leave the hospital earliest at 5pm and latest at 9-10pm, which I am not supposed to. I am supposed to go on-call once a week until 12am. And the 45-min journey to and fro the hospital every day is really torturous for me. When I arrive at my room, all I want to do is to sink on my bed and sleep. Although, again I am not supposed to, because I am supposed to study (Duh!), sometimes, what started off as a planned 30-minute nap, went on until the next morning, when I would wake up cursing for 'accidentally' falling asleep.

There are TONNES of things I have to read, literally, TONNES, and yes, we are talking about reading only, not other assignments, case reports etc.. I have not even mastered 10% of the knowledge that I am supposed to know by now. Exam is NEXT WEEK and I have yet to finish the tedious case report. Trying not to freak out.

I know working life is going to be much tougher. Many seniors and friends who have started working have told me that. But at present, being a student, a medical student, to me, is T.O.U.G.H. too. Well, in retrospect this time, next year when I start working, I know I would wish to be a student again. But right now, right now, I just want to get this life over with. I just want to graduate. I am tired. Really, TIRED is THE word.

I was still very much driven in my previous postings this year. I was motivated, I worked hard, I even allowed myself to aim for distinction for each exam. But this posting, I am just not as driven, I am aiming and hoping only to pass. And that's a bad sign for me because I need my drive. I need the zest. I need my motivation. These things are important for me. And they are absent. I am hoping that it's only because of this current posting, Medicine. I don't know why but I find myself an aimless wanderer in this posting, so much to do that I didn't know what to do and how to start. And now, it's already the end of this posting. God help me! I'm really in the vicious cycle that Dr Wendy talked about- 'You don't study (enough), you feel stressed, you are afraid of failing, you feel more stressed, you can't focus and function because of the stress and the stress and 'malfunctioning' continues.

I hope I survive.